Wow mother hood really is a rollercoaster of emotions.
The first few nights were really hard. He was very unsettled. and i didnt really know what i was doing. Pacing the floor at 3am isnt fun.
Things got better though. and we got to know eachother. I found out what he wanted from me.
I always knew i wanted to breastfeed. Everyone goes on about the pain of labour and the possible complications. no one prepared me for the problems which breastfeeding can cause. Feeding him was agony. so much so that on a few occasions i was in floods of tears. The health visitors and midwifes werent much cop really. i hated dreading feeding time.
After 4weeks of misery, Thrush was finaly diagnosed. i was so relieved that someone was helping me overcome this problem. Nystatin was prescribed. But it didnt help, as i wasnt given anything.
About 2weeks later, i finaly managed to get something for me. im not sure of the name, Flucozale or something. This finaly seems to have done the trick. As it goes into your milksupply, therefore helping the baby also.
Riley has always had what i thought was colic. and after 6weeks of trying infacol and gripe water, and complaining to the HV's i took him to see a Doctor for it.
He doesnt have thrush she says. Give it a week, see how his feeding goes, and ill review it then.
Well, during the night he sicked up some brown vomit. my mom was working a night shift, so i rang her to ask what it was. she confirmed it wasnt good, and to ring the out of hours doctor. i did so, and he said to 'keep and eye on him' and to 'give him some water'
water i gave him. and he was still no better, still bringing his feeds up ect.
the next day i dashed him up to A&E. He had hardly been feeding, and was very lethargic ect. He was admitted to Caroling Thorpe ward.
By this stage i was in bits. i couldnt believe what was happening.
He was put onto a drip via a tube in his hand. seeing him hooked up to a drip broke my heart. A doctor came round to see him, and examined him. he felt his tummy when he was feeding and explained to me it may be something called Pyloric Stenosis. i didnt really take it all in at the time. i was really numb.
After he explained this, he said he wanted to do what was called a spinal tap. At this my heart sank. i knew what that was. and i think he could tell by the look on my face that i was horrified.
He said that it needed to be done, to rule out meningitus ect.
So there i am handing my baby over to someone who is going to hurt him.
ill tell you now, it was the hardest thing id had to do.
i stayed in the room with him, as i didnt want to leave him ever.
it was horrendous to say the least. hed never cried real tears before that point.
theres not much else i can say on that, as its hard to put into words how you feel when you go through that with a baby.
They put a nasal gastric tube into his nose, and asperated his stomache hourly. this meant i couldnt feed him.
i stayed in the hospital with him, while adam went home. i didnt really sleep that night. for obvious reasons.
The next day the consultant came to see him. he ordered an ultrasound of his tummy, to confirm the pyloric stenosis.
He had the scan, which confirmed it, and had his hips scanned also, as he already had the appointment booked. Luckily his hips were ok. (my sister had hip problems as a baby)
After the scan, i was told by the consultant that we were being transfered to Bristol Childrens Hospial, where he would undergo an operation.
Still numb at this point, i simply said ok.
The Ambulance journey was not nice. he had to travel in a car seat.
We arrived a couple of hours later. And i must say, the ward was really nice. we got a sideroom, with a pull down bed for me.
Riley had more people proding his belly. and was getting quite distressed that i wasnt feeding him. i would have loved to sit there and let him have as much as he wanted, but instead, i was giving it to a machine. which wasnt working very well.
my mom stayed in the room with me, while my dad and adam got a b&b.
The next day we saw the surgeons, who mainly just explained the op again. Riley had another scan on his belly. guess they didnt trust our hospital.
At approx 3.30pm, i carried riley down to the operating theatre. i went as far as i could, then i had to hand him over to the people who were going to take a knife to my baby. that was so hard, but i had to keep telling myself they were going to make him better.
the op only takes 30mins, but that doesnt half seem like along time in those cercumstances.
when i was finaly allowed down, i was both excited and scared to see him. I felt abit better, seeing him being held when i got there, so he wasnt completely alone. when i was told i could hold him, i was terrified. it was like holding him for the first time again.
he was very groggy, waking for a few seconds at a time, crying.
it was agreed that adam was going to stay with us the second night, but he wouldnt. which i thought was abit harsh, and insisted on his own room in the hotel. what i found out later was horrific.
9pm the next evening, we were told we could go, and they would keep the bed open for him, should he need it.
back at the hotl, adam insisted on going to the adjoining resteraunt, the beefeater, for a meal. he was going to have lobster AND steak, but they had no lobster, so he just had steak.
he then said it was disgusting, and wasnt paying. me and my parents were horrified, and dad payed most of the meal. later on that night, i found out adam had had a huge sandwhich at subway earlier on. Pissed off as i knew what he was up to, i went bk to the room and tried to sleep. but riley didnt want to sleep, and adam just put a pillow over his head rather than helping me. so i turned all the lights on.
the next day it all kicked off. adam had a right go at the receptionist, and got his money refunded. hense the performance with the meal. i had ago at him, and my dad told him that he thought it was disgusting.
we stopped for a coffee on the way back, and adam (while me and mom were outide) went ballistic at my dad for telling us about subway
the next day i said to adam 'i want to know everything which went on in bristol, else im making my dad tell me'
'yes they went for a drink the first and second night, and he didnt say much to my dad, other than he shouldnt have told us ect'.
so i go to see my dad, then i get the truth.
The first night they went out, They got quite drunk, and adam got invited to a strip club. which he declined that time.
The second night, the night riley had his op, and adam wouldnt stay with me, him and my dad went for another drink, dad only had 2pints or 2 1/2. and adam was dancing around the place making 'an idot of himself' and dad saw him then dancing with 2 women, one in front one behind.
Charming eh.
The next day, adam had told my dad that he had gone to the strip club, and went into graphic detail about it. and had even gone to the hotel room to hide the tickets before me and riley got there. nice eh.
i gave adam chance to tell me all this. but he didnt. so we split up. i just couldnt trust him. And i think it is Fecking atrocious, what he was doing while i was in the hospital with riley, understandebly upset, and worried. he was out having a hell of a good time.
his attitude has stunk since. he obviously doesnt care about either of us.
me and riley have been fine. were better off without him !
i took riley to the doctors today, as he now has Reflux (which i had to find out myself, hv couldnt tell me that
) so hes on gaviscon.
hes being really cryey tonight, which is very frustrating. nothing is setteling him. and he must be tired by now. he wont feed, and just keeps crying. its times like these i find hard. ive got him swaddled atm, rocking him. fingers crossed he is calming down.
im not sure how i feel atm. mad at adam, annoyed about the debts he has landed me in, upset about it all, i dont know. riley has kept me going.
i can do it alone, i know i can. it may not be easy, but he is worth all the heart ache, just to see him smile.
)
