is he cheating on me?

Thanks Louise and Lucy - your kind words make me feel like I'm not winging for nothing!

I don't think he has physically cheated on me - but the things he said were so awful. I still have doubts about whether I should stay, but I have to don't I? For the good times? For the baby?

If he did it again I said I'd leave, but I said that last time. Would I actually do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough.

 

[LouisecH]

Hi Sami

If you are happy your baby will be. If leaving him would make you happier then work out a way to make that possible. You shouldn't HAVE to stay with someone for the baby if it's wrong for you.

 

i know.... but if I had the baby without him I would be more unhappy. I couldn't bear to tear up a home before the child is even born. maybe he can prove himself. It's a hard decsion to make though isn't it...

 

[Rosieroo]

It's really hard Sami.

I rushed into marriage at 19, purely because of what happened and I felt I needed the commitment and for him to prove he wanted to be with me.

It was a tough tough couple of months after I found a list of email addresses, including people called things like 'f**cksalot" in his email address book. Although he never physically cheated on me, I felt that if he could do that, then he could cheat.
He said he was just curious and it got into a bit of an obsession, he used to do it when he was at work (we didn't have a home computer at that time, I found out when we had just got one), it didn't seem real to him.

I think that us women are sometimes more emotional about these things, and to men, it doesn't always mean anything. The people he contacted were ones he found in chatrooms, they weren't people we knew. They were anonymous and he just used them to get his kicks (at least I knew he wasn't having a fumble under the desk!) Although I find it harder to trust him now, I no longer believe he's on the verge of cheating. I think I'm a more jealous and insecure person as I had quite a difficult childhood, some people wouldn't think anything of their OH's doing it, but I found it quite difficult to handle.

 

[Manda]

Sami

Do what makes you happy, just dont be a fool and if you ever want out dont stay with him just for the baby, it's worse on the baby to see you in an unhappy relationship and fighting than seeing you both seperate but happy.

Good luck to you hun i really hope things work out for you if it doesnt then you know there's always someone on here to chat too.

Manda x x

 

[melanieyeah]

hehe sorry manda, i should have said it was another manda lol!

 

Thanks for all of your advice guys - it has been much appreciated. I know if I did leave him I wouldn't be alone as I would have all of you here for me. Thanks x

 

[jellybelly]

hi,ive been through more or less the same thing as you 4 years ago when i found out my bf was sleeping with my best friend,i was pregnant with my youngest.we split up and i met someone else and im now 21 weeks pregnant again(with 4th)and going through it again!! he hasnt cheated on me,its for other reasons.im thinking all the things you are,do i take him back for babies sake even if its not what i want? how will i cope finantially? do i still put his name on birth cetificate?and how he hell will i cope on my own again with a baby and 3 very boistrous kiddies.why do they have to do this to us,pregnancy is ment to be a special time and its ruined by selfish pigs!!!
sorry, im sure i havent helped you in any way just wanted you to know your not alone (((((((((hug))))))))) take care of your self,pm me if you want and we can swap emails.

 

[leannie]

Hey there

Dont stay together for the sake of the children, you will make them unhappy and insecure. I know from experience, my mum stayed with my dad for the sake of me and my brother and it was the worst decision she ever made. I have complete trust issues and am very insecure and have been on anti depressants since the age of 19. Children are very intuitive creatures, they pick up on anything and everything.

Take care

x x x x

 

Thanks guys, Jellybelly, I know exactly what you mean.

Me and OH have worked most things out - he doesn't use the internet at home anymre (well he cant anyway as we have just moved into our own house and can only use the internet at in-laws).

I have told him 'one last chance' but hope that I won't end up one of these women who says one last chance more than once. I've done it twice now and hope this is the last. I love him to peices and he does love me - we just need to sort out our issues.

Thanks people xx

 

[futuremum]

Hi Sami!!!

I am glad things are getting better. I know what you mean by the last chance that is not one. Unfortunately, they do abuse of that a lot some of them!!!! And i am one of those girls who give 100 last chances.

I do not know if that will help you a bit but I know some men fantasize a lot. My b/f just fantasizes on almost every women he sees, on tv, friends of mine..... I felt very insecure at first but got used to it now. I do not think he will physically cheat on me but he has a very active mind and me not being slim or a supermodel makes him want better looking ones! But he also knows what he has got to lose if he does anything!!! Your b/f is only 20 and has a lot of growing up to do!!! Mine is 28 and he still has a fair bit to do lol My brother only became very mature at 32!!!!

I am not finding them excuses but I found out that when i was getting upset about him chatting to his ex on the net and sending her flirty messages, it did make it worse, he would write to her sometimes 12 times in the day. One day, i totally stopped nagging him even though sometimes i am tempted and he stopped, seeing he did not caught my attention anymore. He still has got his private mail box but i'd rather not try to look at it, he knows he is going to be a daddy and not being married i can refuse him every single rights if he did anything silly, not that i think he wants to. But i still have nightmares of his ex coming back to him as it nearly happened in the first 3 months of our relationship, she tried to have sex with him just to show me she could have him anytime but he told me he told her to go away, although very tempted because he considered her as the love of his life and she is soooooo great!!! I believe he did not because he is a very honnest person, too honnest and he was not obliged to tell me that she tried it on, he could have hidden it.
funny enough, he never talked about her now, but i still have hidden fears somewhere, must be pregnancy lol

Anyway, glad it is getting better for you!!!!

Nath

 

Thanks mate.

With regards to the not being married thing - me and OH aren't either (can't afford it and I'm not too fussed about it yet). He wants us to sign a joint custody for the baby thing already even though we aren't splitting just incase we ever do in the future and so he can protect his rights to see baby.

Have you ever heard of this? And what rights do I have and he have if I don't?

 

[-Cat-]

Wow that sounds a bit previous, to sign for custody when you are still together! don't even know that you can do this?!?! If I were you I would just carry on as a couple and if in the future things dont work out, thats the point where your situation is looked at and custody decisions are made, to make them in advance is pointless as your circumstances may chage anyway, dedending on where you live, if and when either of you work etc . . .

As for the worry about Mark cheating on you. well I will admit here (Im a bad guy) that even when I have been in perfectly happy relationships I have used the internet to chat up guys and flirt, normally having some quite seedy conversations. Its not that I was unhappy in my relationships, to me it was harmless fun, in the same way you may just fantasise about highly erotic things, dosent mean that you would ever actually do them! Most of the guys I chatted to in-line were in different countries, and I never considered doing anything about it, like I said it was just naughty fun. If Mark doing this is upsetting you (especially as your more hormonal and defensive during pregnancy) then yeah get him to cut it out, but try not to think the worst that he is cheating on you, as it may well be perfectly inocent.

 

[beanie]

Hi Sami,

I think what your OH is referrring to is a parental responsibility agreement, Petchy gave some good info about this in another thread which I can't remember the name of at the mo (but will post it when I find it). Basically without this, your OH has no rights as such, i.e. he cannot consent to medical treatment or access records etc without your permission. I am also not married to my OH but we plan on getting this ASAP when baby is born, it involves going to Court to get it signed. I will have peace of mind knowing if anything happens to me then OH can have custody etc. Its happening in Coronation Street at the mo, Steve is taking Tracey to court to get one (I know I watch to much TV ).

 

[beanie]

Found the thread - a father's rights? I think I can paste the link on here, will give it my best try any how

http://pregnancyforum.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2210

 

[beanie]

Yay I am clever

 

[-Cat-]

Oh something else I thought about that you might want to look into if you havent already. Okay so its a bit morbid, but if you arn't married and its your partner that works, you really ought to sort out being named on his life insurance, if your OH is talking about parental rights etc, this is very important that you do this sooner rather than later, otherwise if something happens to your OH you are not intitled to anything, although baby is, but often this will go into a trust fund for sprog and not really help you, when your the one on your own with an infant! So this is definatly worth looking into!

 

[beanie]

I agree with you Cat, its horrible to think about but me and OH sat down and decided on getting life insurance sorted out. I know from experience that this is a must, I lost my parents and luckily for me they both had life insurance which was a lifesaver as it meant I could go to Uni, keep the house etc. We are also planning to get wills sorted out, including guardians for the baby in case we both die. I hate thinking about that but I know I have to do so. That's why I want to get the parental responsibility thing sorted, not that I am planning on going anywhere Am now going to eat some chocolate to cheer myself up (mmm m&ms) xx

 

I don't think my OH has life insurance Cat?!! Don't think we could even afford a policy

Thanks for the link Beanie.

 

[beanie]

No problems about the link Sami, am just proud I was able to do it (my OH just smiled and said well done when I told him - though considering I left my car unlocked all night the other day I think it was a major achievement myself ). If I find out anything else about the parental thingy I will let you know if you want. I have no clue about the cost or the actual process but I am hoping it's not too much and is fairly simple but like I said I will let you know.

I don't know what your OH does for a job but he might have some insurance with that?? My OH doesn't as he is self employed but I think some companies do, not mine sadly. it feels wierd to me having to think about all this, a couple of months ago my biggest plan was to buy a new mini, and if I could afford to go on holiday. Its mad how much my life has changed since April, was talking about schools the other day (!!!! ).