Sorry have to get this off my chest... its long!
All because of a dream!
I've only every had 4 relationships in my life, my first was in my head i was madlin love with my music teacher!!
my first boyfriend was 14yrs older than me and at 18 my mum wasn't too happy about the age gap, but we had a great time and i'm still friends with him, I split up with him as i had my eye on another guy Alan who was 13yrs older than me that that time i was 21 the age didn't bother me he was great, but my parents hated him (he also had a kid from another relationship) and never gave him a chance (i'm an only child so they are a bit over protective with me) I got a job in oxford ( i lived at home with mum and dad in gloucester) which had accomodation so i lived over there for 2 yrs, Alan would come and see me on my weekends, when i wasn't working i was expected to come back home for the weekend,
usually Alan would come over on the friday and go on the sunday evening, eventually he started coming on the saturday evening and going on sunday just after lunch, i hated him going as i alway felt so lonley after he had gone, Alan still lived with his mum (his dad died when he was 18 ) I moved to oxford to get a bit of freedom from my parents as i could never go see Alan when i wanted and the atmostphere could be funny, Alans mum could also be very variable with me chatty and talking one day to not saying a word the next, i was quite shy and always felt like i was intruding. but i got on well with one of his sisters.
Time went on an i became unhappy with my job so i came back to gloucester and back with my parents so i hardly got any time with Alan, i hated causing bad feelings so i was stuck in the middle knowing that things would never change, i had started talking to Tom who was at my local band and i got on with him well and i started thinking about him more and more, i thought i was just a crush that would go away, i talked to Alan alot about what i did and tom often came up, i was arguing more and more with Alan over my parents and i couldn't see him commiting to moving in with me or out of his mums, i suppose all his mum had was alan, i could see us drifting further appart, and new years day i was having tea with alan and tom came up in conversation, Alan suddenly said 'i think its time you decided who you want,' come back when you have decided' so i decided To go with Tom, i could see more of a future with him, alan begged me to give a second chance but i couldn't i couldn't see anything changing, i wanted to stay friends which we did for a few months but things began to get nasty when he realised i wasn't coming back, so we went our seperate ways. i never heard from him again.
about 2 yrs later some one said that Alan had got leukaemia, i did think about contacting him but i didn't as i was planning my marriage to Tom. and thought that if he really wanted me he would contact me. I never heard anything till one day mum asked if i had read the paper, Alan had died.
I was shocked, the funeral was the day after and my work gave me the day off, but my hubby told me to stay away, as i may not be welcome and he didn't want me getting more upset and upsetting his family,
So i didn't go to the funeral, but i drove to the crematorium and i watched his coffin go by, then i went to one of our old spots that overlook gloucestershire and played some music - i often felt that maybe it was my fault that he got leukaemia( i know silly) and i still blame my self, he said some nasty things to me when we ended saying that i never loved him, but i did, i loved him so much and i never had the chance to say goodbye or say how much he influenced my life, he will always be a part of me, and it will be passed on to my kids in some of the interest we shared.
I sent a letter to his mum after his death and i had a lovely letter back from her, and i contacted a friend of his who said he often spoke of me.
But i wish i'd had the chance to clear the air.
I dreamt of him last night and it stirred up alot of feelings, of how much i miss him, the dreams i've had before were him saying stay away etc along those lines, but last night i was telling him how i felt guilty and that it was my fault he diedm and i wanted to be at the funeral but didn't want to cause problems, and he told me not to be silly, he said i am free now, don't blame your self, and hugged me,
So i've been feeling down, i never realised that a dream could stir up emotions like that, also it would have been his birthday on the 1st Sept.
Maybe it was him, i don't know.
I'd like to think it was, then maybe one day i can get some closure.
Thanks for reading.
All because of a dream!
I've only every had 4 relationships in my life, my first was in my head i was madlin love with my music teacher!!
my first boyfriend was 14yrs older than me and at 18 my mum wasn't too happy about the age gap, but we had a great time and i'm still friends with him, I split up with him as i had my eye on another guy Alan who was 13yrs older than me that that time i was 21 the age didn't bother me he was great, but my parents hated him (he also had a kid from another relationship) and never gave him a chance (i'm an only child so they are a bit over protective with me) I got a job in oxford ( i lived at home with mum and dad in gloucester) which had accomodation so i lived over there for 2 yrs, Alan would come and see me on my weekends, when i wasn't working i was expected to come back home for the weekend, usually Alan would come over on the friday and go on the sunday evening, eventually he started coming on the saturday evening and going on sunday just after lunch, i hated him going as i alway felt so lonley after he had gone, Alan still lived with his mum (his dad died when he was 18 ) I moved to oxford to get a bit of freedom from my parents as i could never go see Alan when i wanted and the atmostphere could be funny, Alans mum could also be very variable with me chatty and talking one day to not saying a word the next, i was quite shy and always felt like i was intruding. but i got on well with one of his sisters.
Time went on an i became unhappy with my job so i came back to gloucester and back with my parents so i hardly got any time with Alan, i hated causing bad feelings so i was stuck in the middle knowing that things would never change, i had started talking to Tom who was at my local band and i got on with him well and i started thinking about him more and more, i thought i was just a crush that would go away, i talked to Alan alot about what i did and tom often came up, i was arguing more and more with Alan over my parents and i couldn't see him commiting to moving in with me or out of his mums, i suppose all his mum had was alan, i could see us drifting further appart, and new years day i was having tea with alan and tom came up in conversation, Alan suddenly said 'i think its time you decided who you want,' come back when you have decided' so i decided To go with Tom, i could see more of a future with him, alan begged me to give a second chance but i couldn't i couldn't see anything changing, i wanted to stay friends which we did for a few months but things began to get nasty when he realised i wasn't coming back, so we went our seperate ways. i never heard from him again.
about 2 yrs later some one said that Alan had got leukaemia, i did think about contacting him but i didn't as i was planning my marriage to Tom. and thought that if he really wanted me he would contact me. I never heard anything till one day mum asked if i had read the paper, Alan had died.
I was shocked, the funeral was the day after and my work gave me the day off, but my hubby told me to stay away, as i may not be welcome and he didn't want me getting more upset and upsetting his family,
So i didn't go to the funeral, but i drove to the crematorium and i watched his coffin go by, then i went to one of our old spots that overlook gloucestershire and played some music - i often felt that maybe it was my fault that he got leukaemia( i know silly) and i still blame my self, he said some nasty things to me when we ended saying that i never loved him, but i did, i loved him so much and i never had the chance to say goodbye or say how much he influenced my life, he will always be a part of me, and it will be passed on to my kids in some of the interest we shared.
I sent a letter to his mum after his death and i had a lovely letter back from her, and i contacted a friend of his who said he often spoke of me.
But i wish i'd had the chance to clear the air.
I dreamt of him last night and it stirred up alot of feelings, of how much i miss him, the dreams i've had before were him saying stay away etc along those lines, but last night i was telling him how i felt guilty and that it was my fault he diedm and i wanted to be at the funeral but didn't want to cause problems, and he told me not to be silly, he said i am free now, don't blame your self, and hugged me,
So i've been feeling down, i never realised that a dream could stir up emotions like that, also it would have been his birthday on the 1st Sept.
Maybe it was him, i don't know.
I'd like to think it was, then maybe one day i can get some closure.
Thanks for reading.
