Feel like a right fool - Bit long sorry

[Sherry]

Hi all,
Really need some advice feels like I am going into meltdown
I posted this a little while ago in husbands reactions and wish I hadnt bothered..............

Mines a bit of a strange one and a bit long sorry.......
I caught pregnant after seeing somone after only a week. We took precaution apart from once, when I took the morning after pill but still that didnt work and here I am 28 weeks pregnant (coulndnt be more happier now). When I found out I told him and gave him the choice of either support me and see Jellybean or dont bother at all. I had a lot to decide for myself before as I already have a 6 yr old and being on my own with 2 children was a very scarey thought. But the more I thought about having an abortion the more upset I got as I really do not believe in it. He said he would be there but did the dissapearing act which I more or less expected and have heard nothing since that was 24 weeks ago. Now for the wierd part..........
Just before new year I got a call from Ex Hubby We had split up in the June (I caught in Oct) and was kind of expecting some form of contact about a divorce, we had a good old chat about everything and he asked if I still wanted a divorce to which I replied yes. More because of being pregnant by another man than anything. He didnt know this untill the end of the conversation, as you can imagine its not the first thing that would come out. When I told him he was sort of upset but managed to tell me off and feel guilt himself for us splitting in first place. We ended conversation on good terms agreeing to meet and start divorce proceedings.
We spoke next few days on and off then he dropped the shocker.... He didnt want a divorce, he didnt want me being on my own with 2 kids and he still loved me And as they say, the rest is history, it wasnt a light disicion to make it has taken a lot of heart to hearts, sorting ourselves out and for once not actually listening to our families. As you can imagine his are more against this than mine but we both know what we are doing and where we are heading and for once the future does look bright
He is scared and excited at the same time. He came to the second scan, and to docs appointments. He really is a star and I never really knew just how much he loved me untill now. I feel very lucky to have him and know things are going to be great.
So from how the hubby reacted I was totally shocked.

Then......... he went away to see his friends over the weekend and came back yesterday and told me he had slept with someone else .
I gave up everything to come back to him, and have yet again changed my sons school to be with him. He has had so much upset from the time we split before and now I dont know what to do. Says he cant handle the fact I slept with someone else and to me it seems like a revenge thing although we werent together when all this happened. Then he said he wanted sex so he just had it, then its another reason ten mins later. I tried everything to make sure he wanted us back together and to make sure himself its what he really wanted he said its what he wanted more than anything and now this. I know I can get through this its just my son who thinks the world of his daddy and is so happy to be back with him that it might just all be taken away from him again and that hurts more than anything. I couldnt have loved him more for what he was doing and taking on, now its all too much pain and hurt.
Sorry for going on but cant talk to family as they were all against us getting back together and need some advice.
Sherry x

 

[angiemum2b]

Oh hunni I haven't been through what you are going through but by the sounds of reading it looks like revenge but that's only me reading.

Your with him day in day out and can you really see him doing it for revenge ?

and as for saying he wanted sex so had it! well hun he doesn't sound to bothered about the relationship if that's what he says about sex with another woman who's obviously not his wife.

If i were in your shoe's i would take a long hard think about what you really want, more to the point it's not fair on your son or the new addition to come if he thinks he can do that.

I'm sorry if i've made myself seem harse it's not my intention, just hope it helps.

 

[Sherry]

Hey
You dont seem harsh at all. I just dont know where to go from here on in. What to do for the best, to make him feel what I am going through I would have to rip his heart out and stick it through a blender. It ok him saying he cant handle me sleeping with someone else, but he had 7 months to do what the hell he wanted, but he had to wait 3 weeks into us living together again to go out and do someone else. He makes me wanna
Just need to think things through, get my head straight and go from there I think. Thanks anyway angiemum2b

 

[angiemum2b]

you and your 2 little ones deserve more sherry.

i hope you decide what you think is best for you and your family x x

 

[Sabrina]

I'm really sorry to read what's happened Sherry. I can only imagine how disappointed and broken you must feel at his revelation.

Is there any way that your OH might have really slept with the woman as a revengeful thing? If so, do you think it's possible it might just be a "one off"? Something he has to get out of his system before he can commit properly to you? I know either way it's not acceptable behaviour at all but some men are really funny about unfaithfulness. It's like it's OK for them but not their partner

It's time for you to think of yourself and your children (existing and to be). I agree with what angie said about you all deserving better. If your OH is capable of hurting you that much now it doesn't look good for the future.


Sabrina
x

 

[Sherry]

Hi ladies thanks for the they are much needed at the mo

The revenge thing is what seems more likely. His words today were, the more he sees my tummy grow, the more he imagines me with someone else. I didnt plan to get pregnant and I certainly didnt think we would have been getting back together at the time I slept with someone.
We went through so much about what happened in the past and what should happen for the the future. He even had a breakdown when I told him we shouldnt get back together because of being pregnant and what everyone else would say. I wanted us to both have an easy life without any pressures. I never thought I could have loved him more for wanting me so much.
But I just dont understand why he had to wait for me to give everything up after just getting back on track and why he would want to put Josh through it all again. We moved area away from my family I really have given up everything.
Then he has the cheek to ask if we can talk without me shouting things are a little raw and I want to hit the w***er over the head with a lump hammer for what he has done to me. He is getting it pretty easy as far as I can see cause I wont say anything infront of Josh.
Sherry xx

 

[Sabrina]

more hugs for you Sherry

I just wanted to add... sometimes people really "want" things to work out but they just can't. Jealousy is a horrible emotion and it can really take over a person. Your OH may have the best of intentions but if he lets in to this jealousy of imagining you with someone else... things can only get worse when you have the baby. Really think long and hard about this. Can he change?

 

[krystal&jack]

Hi Sherry, I don't really know what to say apart from I think you need to consider how your husband will treat the LO when he arrives - I know before u got back together he agreed to bring him/her up as his own but if he's looking at your bump as a reminder of the other person you slept with what is he gonna be like with a little person who may possibly resemble the person u slept with? I hope I'm making sense.

I know you worry what the upheaval will do to your little boy but i think you need to consider what staying with this man will do to both your children long term if he can't accept the past and leave it where it is.

Really feel for you and hope you sort something out

lots of

 

[tuck]

If he cant handle seeing your growing bump will he really be able to accept and treat as his own the new baby?????

He must have known what your reaction to his 'news' would be and was this because he felt guilty and wanted to be honest or was it because he wanted to 'punish' you?

as the others have said you really need to think hard because it will be worse for all of you in the long run if he then rejects the baby when it arrives.

 

[Sherry]

Hi Ladies
Thanks for all those comforting
Had a long drawn out conversation last night. In a way Tuck I think its his way of punishing me, never thought he would do that to me. But more like a sex thing from what we spoke about last night. Still cant believe how calm I was first time I have managed to keep calm in a long time.
Said it was the thrill of doing somethings that he has wanted with me but I would never do . Thing is its a little diffcult while I look like a bloater and really dont feel like swinging from the chanderliers.
It took a lot for me to actually start something physical with him from stuff that happened before and obviously being pregnant by someone else. He has never been very honest about sex and has been a secret porno addict which eventually split us. I have never been shy about sex and have probably done so many things that would make his toes curl Sorry this is getting personal. But why would I want to give him an amazing sex life if he has told me so much stuff he wouldnt do?????????
It still no excuse for him doing what he has done and it shouldnt have come to the point of him going with someone else. now we both have to deal with the fact we had someone else if we are going to make it work. You know if this doesnt work, I am going to get myself stitched up and become a nun . So sick of relationships

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

So sorry your going through this hun men do not think somtimes
I hope you figure out deep down what you want do to.
Katrina

 

Hi Sherry,

I've read your post and understand how devastated you must be, but I don't agree with everyone else's opinions. I'm no psychologist, this is just my own, unqualified opinion (like everyone else's!).

Rather than having sex with another woman as "revenge", your husband probably had sex with her due to feeling insecure. That's why he's insistent on saying it was "just sex", because this covers up the fact that it's his emotions he can't deal with right now. He obviously does love you. He committed to you in the first place and you had a child together and, despite obvious difficulties, he was ready to take a huge risk and commit to you again. The thing is, although you are still "you" and he loves you, this isn't the same life you had together before. He will be seriously struggling with the fact that you have another man's baby growing inside you, one day to join your family. He'll be battling with feelings about how that changes things for him, what his role is to be, what if things go wrong again etc.

All the while he is worrying about all this stuff, you are there, thinking he's Mr. Wonderful for "taking you all on", as though he's your saviour. Inside, he might be struggling, wondering if he really has done the right thing, yet scared to let you down. So he takes the "easy" option, of knocking himself off the perfect pedestal you have put him on, long before the baby arrives (by sleeping with another woman).

You all might see this as "revenge", or him "punishing" you, but - reading between the lines - I see a man worried by being perceived as this great guy, for doing the "decent thing" and yet feeling worried that in actual fact he can't live up to that. This is why I reckon he slept with someone else.

He is also protecting himself, emotionally, if things don't work out when the baby is here. That's not to "punish" you, but to give himself an "out", or to "save face" ("well, I slept with someone else too") if things don't work out.

In a way, he has done you a favour (although of course it won't feel like that now!). By sleeping with another woman, he has changed your opinion of him drastically. Before, from you it was, "I can't believe he's taking us on", to, "I gave up everything to be with him and now he's done this". In those two sentences (I know they're not exact quotes, but seem to sum up how you've swayed from one extreme to the other), you have gone from being grateful - almost needy, dependant - to be angry and thinking he doesn't deserve you - you have regained your sense of pride and, quite rightly, have expectations of him as your husband again.

If you two could see things from this perspective and reassure each other that, although things will be difficult, that you want to be together and are willing to work through things, then I really believe that you can come through this together, as a much stronger couple.

Of course your husband will have issues with your new baby - he is a step-parent and I know (as I am in a relationship with a new partner) that that's never easy, but it can be done and he can learn to love this baby as his own, although it will take a lot of patience from both of you.

Good luck, Sherry, with whatever you both decide to do. Just try and be patient and keep talking and listening to each other.

Love,
Wendy
xxx

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

Wendy, thats some very insightful and inspirational advice there, I agree but could never have explained it so well

 

[Sherry]

Hi Wendy
After a lot more talking what you have said does make sense from what we have spoken about. I know sex for him is a big thing but at the same time I know the baby is a major part. Mainly because he is terrified of not having any feelings for him, whether he will be able to love him, letting me down, and basically not being able to cope with a new baby around.
I understand its very, very difficult what he is doing and that no matter how sure he was about it before we moved back there are always doubts in anything in life especially something as big as this. He just couldnt seem to talk to me about the feelings he was having and let it all get out of hand. Not an excuse for what he did but I can sort of understand thats why I am still here wanting to work things through. Not just because I gave everything up but becasue I really do love him.
I just hope he can keep talking to me as I am also scared of how things will work out.
I really appreciate all you ladies advice.
I guess only time will tell, for now its good we can talk and open up and try to be as honest as possible.
Sherry
xxxxxx

 

Sherry,

I'm glad you're not rushing things. I really hope things work out for you both. It's tough enough being pregnant and coping with all your emotions, without the added stress of moving house, re-starting a relationship etc. without also dealing with something as devasting as you have. You're one brave woman! Whatever happens in the future, your sons have a mum to be proud of. Good luck with everything, hopefully you've now come through the "worst" and that things can only improve from now on.

Wendy
xxx

P.S. Thanks, Jax