fathers access *UPDATED 1/2/2012* solicitors letter & court!

[LucyAnn]

in brief my daughters 9 weeks old today. me & the dad seperated when i was 5 months pregnant i split from him because he started being mad and aggressive.

i have had no money from him and he has bought his daughter nothing.

when she was born i let him see her in hospital. he used two weeks annual leave off work for when she was born he saw her 3 times for a couple hours-- his choice.
he saw her at 3 weeks old then didnt see her until she was 7 weeks old. when he showed up on this visit he was 10 mins late and only stayed 45 mins as he asked if i had registered birth ( i had annd left his name off from advice from citizens advice bureau as it wouldnt be ideal for him to have parental responsibilty) when i told him he was not on borth cert he shouted swore etc handed my daughter back, said he had a solicitor lined up and left.
two weeks later which fell friday just gone he asked to see chloe so i rang solicitors for advice they advised let him see her once a week for an hour to bond until they sort out a contact centre.

he was ment to come at 3 today & didnt show till 3.40 and left at 4pm. the whole time he was here he held her in one arm and was texting on his phone with the other.

i told the solicitors i wanted him to see chloe etc and have never stopped him etc. however i dont know whether its in her best intrest to stop contact and let courts decide or keep letting him do this.

he has never apologised or acknowledged his behaviour, his mom n dad come see chloe no problems but he is the oposite. my solicitors even told me that when the balls rolling the will stop him seeing chloe until he has been assesed by a physocologist or doctor.

see when i rang my solicitors it was purely to arrang access at a contact centre not my home, now im not sure if hes had enough chance. my friend was with me today too as my solicitor advised it to be supervised because of his aggression.

im 50/50 whether to stop him or not but if i did what would the next steps be he takes and surely the courts would grant access anyway. he has been late 3 times altogether and has only seen he like 7 times once by 30 mins once by 10 and today by 40mins.
any ideas or similar stories out there ? xxxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

I think that your daughter will want a relationship with her dad even if he is texting the whole time or is a bit aggressive, if he was violent then that's a different thing,but if you are sure he isn't going to hurt her (and you must be to have him in the house with you). Then it is my personal opinion than you should do whatever you can to facilitate their relationship.

A parents relationship with their child is sacred, and a childs relationship with its parents is also sacred, it's not something that should be considered unless in absolute dire circumstances where the child is at risk.

Really, I honestly believe that if you can turn around and say someone is too aggressive or texts too much or anything else once the child is born, i think that is something that should have been noted before making a baby not after. He is her father, she is his daughter... Dont break that unless you have too c

 

[LucyAnn]

I think that your daughter will want a relationship with her dad even if he is texting the whole time or is a bit aggressive, if he was violent then that's a different thing,but if you are sure he isn't going to hurt her (and you must be to have him in the house with you). Then it is my personal opinion than you should do whatever you can to facilitate their relationship.

A parents relationship with their child is sacred, and a childs relationship with its parents is also sacred, it's not something that should be considered unless in absolute dire circumstances where the child is at risk.

Really, I honestly believe that if you can turn around and say someone is too aggressive or texts too much or anything else once the child is born, i think that is something that should have been noted before making a baby not after. He is her father, she is his daughter... Dont break that unless you have too c

hi after he left last week i was crying and shaking for hours i am honestly scared of this man, the solitors now this i was so scared calling the police crossed my mind. throughout pregnancy he was verbally aggressive saying he was so angry and mad he needed to hit something there and then. im not trying to destroy a bond im honestly not but is texting me abuse imbetween visits being 40 minutes late to a 1 hour long visit fair on my daughter? how can she bond?
and just for your information his behsiour that i ''should of noted'' was not like that before we tried for a baby his behaviour started at 5 months he had shown no signs early of this otherwise i would of left early so dont think its really fair you saying that.

instead ihave been ammicable never retliated back. i just believe if courts enforced something he would stick to it better. dont you think a day goes by that i dont like my daughter has a broken family or that her dads never supported her or that he will be so late to see her when he lives 5 mins away.

im not having a dig at you but think you are kind of not seeing things how they are.

i have had to live day by day in fear he will ' just show up' at 10pm at night like he once threatened

you need to bear in mind i am the one thats instructed a solicitor to get contact in place as im sick of it being all over the place, ive made that step he hasnt. i am the good guy here
i am simply questioning when is enough enough?xx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

If he's being violent, which by the sounds of it he is, or being abusive towards you, then that's a whole different kettle of fish and I definitely think a contact centre would be best x

Even if he sees her for 1hr a week for the rest of her life, at least she will know her father.

Is there someone who can act as the contact centre for the time being? Could he go round to a relative of yours at a set time each week to see the baby? That way you will have no reason to contact each other at all which might be healthy for you both x x x

 

[LucyAnn]

hi, thanks for your reply, well this is what my solicitor is going to organise a contact centre as out of his choice he has seen his daughter for only 1 hour 15minutes in 6 weeks, its so hurtful to know this. thats why my friend was here today, solicitors wanted it supervised because of his anger, we both went to a different room. it really wasnt my choice for him to be at my home solicitors either advised my hone or a park or something but didnt want to take my 9 week old baby in the winter to a park and they wouldnt bond so much.

as the time has gone on it feels like he doesnt want anything to do with my daughter. i hear of men all the time that jump through hoops to see their child.

at the start he was so intrested he asked for pics all the time and would generally text to see how she was and as the weeks went on this deterioated to nothing. he only text to swear at me or arrange a visit but never replys to confirm hes coming so i stay in never knowing if hes coming or not. his behaviour is sparadic and i wish he would either be committed or not at all as this behaviuor and hardly seeing her is no good for anyone.

he is missing out on so much of her like her smiling and giggliny and if he carrys on he will regret it when hes older so im trying to correct his mistake her by making it regular etc.

i hate the stress too i must admit i was a shaking wreck waiting for him today he geniunly scares me and it just feels like he wishes me to turn round and stop contact. surely if he told his mom or friends he saw chloe for 20 mnutes today and they said why just 20. if he says oh i was 40 mins late .... i wander what they say or even if he tells them the truth xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

really wouldnt feel comfortable him going to a friends or family home as i dont want to burden them with all this too. just praying this contact centre hurrys up xxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Yeah it sounds like that would be best, if he contacts you at all, just tell him that you would rather only speak about the baby... You gave birth nine weeks ago and need to protect yourself as much as anything else.

 

[LucyAnn]

thankyou. i think if he keeps flaring up i will just have to be stern and like you say just make sure he keeps the subject about our baby and nothing else just cant wait for the mess to be sorted xx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

I bet x much love and let us know how it all turns out x xx

 

[Cantstop]

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have been able to put him on the birth certificate anyway unless he'd went with you as you aren't married, so it shouldn't have been a surprise to him.

Hope you get it sorted - if your relationship is as scary and he's as troubled as he sounds, I think you're doing the right thing going through official channels from the start x

 

[BabysMomma]

That's awful that you have to be made feel this way by him

I think you've made the right decision in choosing access through a contact centre tbh. That way you won't have to be in fear of being around him and your LO will be safe too in case you're worrying that he'll get aggressive with her if he can't cope with her etc.

All you can do hun is give him access to see your daughter and as she gets older she'll soon find out for herself that daddy always lets her down. That way your daughter doesn't think that you ever prevented her from seeing him and will make up her own mind when older if he's worth being a part of her life iykwim...

I totally know and understand that you want to protect your daughter from being hurt and let down by him but you'll be there to support her when that happens and she'll always thank you for that.

I really hope the contact centre thing hurries up. And be safe huni! Like the solicitor said, always have someone with you when he comes to your home. Or meet in a public place, even a local coffee shop or something. Let us know how you get on. x

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

totally agree BabysMomma, its gotta be the childs choice if anyones xx

 

[Amyrose]

I feel for you hun I made the decision 2 years ago not to let my ex see our kids and it's something I stand by today. You do what you feel is right you are the only one who knows your situation and sometimes it's not in a Childs interests to have there father around. I hope things work out for you. Good luck hun x

 

[LucyAnn]

thanks everyone for your replies, i had the worst sleep didnt get a wink till after 4am it was on my mind. why doesnt he make an effort with her makes things even worse when im googling stuff and fathers for justice comes up, some men really do jump through hoops for their child and they derserve to be in their life, those who dont, do they deserve to be. ive had even more of a think about things and shared this burden with a couple of friends too as before i had been carrying all this stress around with me & over night i started thinking, this case laid down in black and white

OUT OF HIS CHOICE HE HAS SEEN HIS DAUGHTER 1HOUR 15MINUTES IN 6 WEEKS
HE HAS NEVER SUPPORT HER / NOT EVEN A PAIR OF MITTENS OR A GIFT FOR HER & NO MONEY (but i have never mentioned this instead be a bigger person and still held the olive branch out for him to visit even when each time he comes he has new clothes or new phone for himself i dont mention anything even though it hurts he doesnt provide for hhis daughter)
HAS BEEN LATE ON THE LAST 3 VISITS ONCE BY 30 MINS ONE BY 10 MINS AND THIS ONE BY 40MINS
&
HAS BEEN AGRESSIVE & STORMED OUT OF A VISIT
and why on earth am i contacting a solicitor to ''make'' him visit
In my shoes really what would you ladies do?, as ive slept on it im more tempted if he asks to see her to advise im not willing to let him and would prefer him to go get legal help to put solid visiting in place. not the attitiude of ''your never seeing her etc'' just in the sense of get help to get it set in stone. as thats in the best intrest of my daughter as if i keep letting him walk in and out as it stands they will never bond, but if i say no that may make him more determined to see her which will be best for her in the end,

I feel a complete mug, i really do xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[LucyAnn]

I feel for you hun I made the decision 2 years ago not to let my ex see our kids and it's something I stand by today. You do what you feel is right you are the only one who knows your situation and sometimes it's not in a Childs interests to have there father around. I hope things work out for you. Good luck hun x

hi amyrose wow that must of been hard if you dont mind me asking why did you stop contact and has he tried since to get into your childrens life. you must have been so strong to do that xxx

 

[Amyrose]

He was violent Hun so much so that I left Ireland to move to the uk it was a hard choice but one I had to make. I like you tried to give him contact with the kids but it was only ever used to get at me. I have informed police and social workers of my where abouts and they have helped me keep my location from him. Its not something I did lightly or to hurt him it was in me and the kids best interests.
You do what you feel is right talk to people that will help you with your decision. Xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

wow that must have been so hard. xxxxx
well his mom n her boyf come see us and i get the feeling if they didnt he wouldnt bother at all and could just disapper. i get the feeling his mom must ask him every now and again hows chloe which prompts him to come as i truly truly believe if they werent in chloes life it would make it easie for him to slide out too.

i mean usually he leaves it a week or two before he contacts me so i do have abit of time on my side. but think i will say something along the lines of ' im withdrawing contact between yourself and chloe on the grounds of agression - referring to 27th Nov when you were swearing at me in temper while holding chloe and on the grounds of inconsistantly - mainly 11th december where you had a one hour visit planned, showing up 40mins late and staying just 20 mins. To regain regularly, consistant access i suggest you ugo through the legal channels'

hows that sound, it identifies the problems and gives him his next step? i really am not trying to banish him from her life for good i just believe i am exhausted from trying everything, and alerteing him to what needs to change so this way hopefully he will go to a solicitor and get regular contact which im sure he will stick to because authorities will be involved. i wont stand in the way but contact i will advise i do not want at my home but do want supervised at the start because of his aggression. i think jon will see in years to come this was for his benefit. as i am sick of sleepless nights and stress now i just need to wash my hands of the mess.

any response he gives will show his tre colours, if he plays the role of 'bitch your takin my daughter from me, who do you think you are etc' well i know that would be fake cus if he felt like that then he would have seen her more than 1hr 15mins in 6 weeks. but do think he will fight it (which is kinda what i want) as he seems to view chloe as like an object / weapon between us two and hates being told what he can and cannot do. I also get the feeling he portrays me the bad guy to his family and friends where atleast if hes questioned as to why i have stopped contact he has the truth there.

Im in a good position, as i have never swore at him or retaliated to any message etc or behaviour. I have logged all visits and kept all text messages, i have never said anything out of place at all and have never stopped him seeing chloe. But looking at my messages i can pinpoint to where it all went wrong severly, it was nearly end of oct and this was when me and jon where just arrange contact whenever week by week. How it went was it was a thrsday and jon asked to see her that day as had it off work, it was nearly midday when this was asked and i was already out for the day visiting, so i said no but can do sat? he couldnt cus he was working and i couldnt do sun as we were visiting my sis in sheffield over night (all geniune reasons) and i had to make plans as was sick of not making any waiting to see when or if he even wanted tos ee her that weekend. all my reasons were geniune but he changed like a light switch then short and snappy on texts never asking how chloe was imbetween visits etc like he used to, he obviously though i was probably going out 'on purpose' but he changed complete;y honest it went from a few texts a week asking even how i was and chloe to only texting to arrange a day and time and never even texting back to confirm that just very brief literally. 'when u nxt in to see chloe?'
xxxxxxxxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Are you happy to continue allowing her grandmother to see her? That would be good then there is a link to the other side of her family x

 

[Amyrose]

Sounds like your handling it really well hun x

 

[titch]

i think that is something that should have been noted before making a baby not after.

I just read this and feel that I need to point out that domestic abuse does not start fromt he beginning of a relationship, otherwise it would not exist, why would anyone build a relationship with someone who was abusive.

For some relationships, after the wedding is the turning point, for others its pregnancy or the birth or a new child.

Its really hard to believe that someone can be so loving, for years, and show no signs then literally flips like a switch, and until Id been there I wouldve found it hard to believe myself, but reading information by support groups etc... this seems to be a common theme in these situations.

I have been asked why I brought my son into the world with a man like that, and it makes me mad, if I had known I would never have put my son in that situation. I beat myself up every day and wrack my brains if there were any signs that I shouldve known, and shouldve been able to protect my child before he even existed.

I dont blame you for saying your comment, as it can seem like that. But i just wanted you to understand.