fathers access *UPDATED 1/2/2012* solicitors letter & court!

[Dragonfly Fi]

Hmm, it was only in the second instance that the op mentioned violence though. She suggested aggression but not violence which to me are two different things x

 

[titch]

being threatened, in your own home, at unpredictable times is, in my eyes just as bad as actually being hit. Having to hide knives, or sitting wondering what hes going to pull out of his tool box when you can hear him rummaging, having holes in the wall smashed right next to your head, glasses thrown to deliberately just miss you. aggression is hell to live with.

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

I agree, i would also class all those things as violence, i think its concievable (though obviously not the case in this instance) that a person would be upset and agressive towards a significant other at the end of a relaitonship but can still be a good father and deserve to be in a childs life.

If you read the first comment (which i replied to and you then quoted me out of context) it was saying that he can be agressive and texts too much, not 'he can be agressive and throws things around' the word 'agressive' can be used to cover all manner of sins, mild and not at all mild.

When the OP clarified what she meant i agreed whole heartedly that she should make sure she is not subject of his violent behaviour and that a contact center sounds like the best thing.

trust me tiny, i need no clarification on how hard it is to live with an agressive, or a violent person.

 

[Hope81]

i wouldn't let him see her if i could stop him. he will probably only make this child to suffer emotionally at some point and nth more...

 

[BabysMomma]

If I were in your shoes hun I would continue with what you've started as in getting the contact centre set up to allow access. Even though you want to protect your daughter (and I know for a fact that I'd be feeling the same way as you are) she has a right to have contact with her father unless he would be causing significant harm towards her. She really has to see her father for what he is for herself iykwim.

At the end of the day though it's your call and you're the mother so you do what you feel instinctively is right. I'm only saying what I'd hope to be able to do if I where in your shoes...however that could fine well be a different story if it were reality for me.

Good luck hun and keep us posted as to how you get on. x

 

[LucyAnn]

Are you happy to continue allowing her grandmother to see her? That would be good then there is a link to the other side of her family x

Yes I am I feel really appreciative that she makes the effort etc and would never stop her access because of problems between me and the dad. And hopefully if this all turns nasty and goes to court etc it will show that im just not being a bitch stopping access to everyone cus i havent etc if you know what i mean. Think the link is very important to maintain and in the new year his mom has asked if i will spend the day at hers so other family members can come see chloe which i am really up for xx

 

[LucyAnn]

i wouldn't let him see her if i could stop him. he will probably only make this child to suffer emotionally at some point and nth more...

thanks yeah, i mean if he was doing this and chloe was old enough to understand etc it certainly would be even more bang out of order im just lucky at her age she is none the wiser xx

 

[LucyAnn]

Sounds like your handling it really well hun x

thanks im gonna try my best xx

 

[LucyAnn]

If I were in your shoes hun I would continue with what you've started as in getting the contact centre set up to allow access. Even though you want to protect your daughter (and I know for a fact that I'd be feeling the same way as you are) she has a right to have contact with her father unless he would be causing significant harm towards her. She really has to see her father for what he is for herself iykwim.

At the end of the day though it's your call and you're the mother so you do what you feel instinctively is right. I'm only saying what I'd hope to be able to do if I where in your shoes...however that could fine well be a different story if it were reality for me.

Good luck hun and keep us posted as to how you get on. x

thankyou, think i am gonna pull back from me instigating the contact centre though as why should i be doing the groundwork, he needs to do it im my eyes to prove he wants to be in her life. the thing that changed my mind was when he had from 3pm till 4pm to see her sun and showed up at 3.40pm that to me shows no committment and no want to geniunly see her, he gave no excuse for being late and if from day 1 this had been logged by court im sure they would have only give him 1 chance or three strikes to prove himself and in my eyes hes had 4 strikes.

whenever he nexts contacts whatever the text whether its to sort contact properly (very unlikely) or just asking when to see her the response from me will be the same, out lining where hes gone wrong and that i would prefer him to go through the legal channells to arrange solide regulary access as i really do not think that between ourselves we can get to that point.

if he honestly makes no move to gain access we will move on and will make sure every minute of every day i am doing my best for her. and if he does arrange access its smiles all round. i honestly am not being bitter to stop access, but he has had 9 and a half weeks to make effort to show up on time or correct his behaviour etc so in my eyes he has had too many chances and too many mistakes, i am sick of this mess and want him to either be in her life regularly or not at all as being sparadic and all over the place is no good for anyone. so next step is telling him legal way, no other option. and hopefully me saying that will make him determined i really dont mind either way involved or not just need one or the other. its just unfortunate for him this is falling all on christmas xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

hi ladies hes text this morning :~( just asking when can i see chloe? just waiting to just double confirm in my head the way forward then will text i will update you all and sure i will b asking for help / advise thankyou xxxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Be niceif he had the chance to see her over chrimbo, maybe with his mum there too x

 

[BabysMomma]

Its so lovely that his Mum wants to see Chloe just a pity he doesn't share the same enthusiasm eh I really hope that he can take a step back and see the bigger picture as to what he could miss out on by not making the effort.

I also hope that at some point real soon that it all sorts itself out for you and Chloe cos the last thing you need is any added stress with bringing up a LO on your own.

Good luck hun x

 

[LucyAnn]

Thank u both. Yeah I really appreciate his mom making the effort, shes bringing chloes great grandma to meet her too this time.

Not heard anything off him from when I sent the text I just outlined the probs of his aggression and inconsistancy with dates and times and suggested he seek legal advice if he would like regular consistant avcess in place.
Yes its a shame it falls on crimbo but like u say hopefully iy will make reality hit him .. Or not hes had 9 n a half weeks to click on and really its himself to blame that he will miss out on christmas thats if it bothers him at all as dont forget it wad him who was 40mins late n only spent 20mins with her.
Thankyou for the support everyone and the hugs im feeling much better after sending that text xxxx

 

[pregpixie76]

dont forget to contact the csa for payments by law its his duty to pay for your child even if he chooses not to see that child.it doesnt matter if his name is on the birth certificate or not he would have to have been present when u were signing it because u arent married.if he disputes the baby is his the courts will order a dna test.these days the woman gets to keep all the payments and ive only just started getting payments for my 13 and 14 yr old cause my partner informed the csa he pays nothing towards them and he doesnt even see them hasnt in yrs.im glad to say im getting a rather large amount that will lift my kids out of poverty.
even if he isnt allowed to see the child he still has to pay so make sure he is paying.and ps im wondering if he started taking drugs during your preg and thats where the aggression comes from.
personally if it was me id be letting his mother know just how terrible he has been and how little he visited and show her the txts.the guy just sounds like an asshole tbh.

 

[LucyAnn]

Hi Pregpixie, thanks for your reply. Yeah i am swinging towards maybe he was on drugs, also cant ring his mom intoo it as the once i asked her for help when he was being aggressive in the streest to me and she just text back 'oh well hope it calms down soon' something like that!!

heres the update **

Things have just gone bad to worse. The CSA finally got back to me thursday (after starting the ball rolling weeks ago) and said they have spoke to him etc and were gonna send out paperwork to get payments up and running. Then on friday the paperwork arrived through my door about payments etc and about 2pm out of the blue he text asking to see chloe and called twice, i missed this as phone was on silent but i also i had a voice message from CSA ' saying urgent please call back'.

I called CSA to be told he had rang in disputing paternity and wants a DNA test. The lady i spoke to was wonderful as we spoke about why he might want one, i broke down crying about how and why i had stopped contact and she assured its my decision to yes or no to DNA (Im giving her an answer tuesday)

Although intestingly the CSA say even if i refuse DNA they will still take money and then he will have to get solicitor and court to get DNA. so either way i will get my money, i said to her, if he really thought she wasnt his why has he just text to see her etc, she admitted this was odd and i came to the conclusion its just a sick game he is playing as i also went in to say his family see my daughter still no problem, she thought it so odd too. She said alos very odd that he never mentioned this on the first call....... and she said maybe its because he recieved his letter this morning about payments and it has triggered him off.

Now i am in a dilema as If i say yes to DNA i can smile knowing its cost him £250 to do the honour and will get my money. But i will have sucummed to feeling like a dirty slag and then chloe will have been tainted by his sick game too.

But if i say no, i will still get my money and he will have to pay tons more to go to court for a DNA and prob try to get access too, which i would prefer though a court as i want him mentally assessed and contact through a contact centre if any.

If CSA had inflicted a DNA as a necessity i would have had no problem. but as this has came from him i cant help but think theres something he is trying to do, either make me feel like shit or i dont know if he has dna in black n white he can get on birth cert???

really unsure at the mo trying to weigh pros n cons. he text me to see chloe today and i replyed the reasons why not mainly when he has been agressive and swearing at me infron of chloe, a few other things and when i had and hour free and he showed up 40 mins late so spent 20 mins with her!!!! his mom also text me today and i have arranged for her to see chloe next week

so csa wont know till i give them my answer and they call him whether he will give them his bank details or not but have assured me if he doesnt within 7days they will get money straight from his employer. Intrestingly too they are only back dating it till mid december so i am missing out on a months pay as they said they need to provide fathers notice to start putting money aside n stuff...

In my case im glad they will take the money either way bt cant help but think this could be geniunly out of line for some guys out there that some women just 'pin' paternity on and have to pay anyway!! xxxx

 

[Rachaellius]

Omg Lucy! Only just reading this, what an absolute cock!!! It's a tough one about the DNA test, if you said no, other people may think you have something to hide, but sod what other people think. Personally with all the grief he's caused you I'd make him take it through court and make him pay more money in court costs. But do whatever stresses you out less, and whats best for you and Chloe.
I'm glad to hear they will still take money off him regardless!
God the amount of father's dying to see their kids and can't and this cock-end behaves like this, he doesn't know how lucky he is!
Sorry to hear he's putting you through this you know where I am if you need a chat hun xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

thankyou rach youve made me smile thanks for the hugs hun xxxxx
i did refuse dna, for the reasons you've pointed out. thats the main thing that pee's me off, most fathers jump through hoops to see their kid but know not him. his mom n dad are coming anyway to see chloe tomoz, i dont tell them whats going on, i dont tell facebook either lol i keep it so private and can only release it all on here and too a couple very close friends.

csa have now attached something to his earnings so the money will get taken from him before he gets his wages first payment due end of march only 6/7 months after chloes was born! such a joker not providing for his daughter. i cant wait till i can sell the flat and move so so far away xxxxxx

 

[PINK BUTTERFLY]

Hi hun! Iv come over from TTC section and read your thread. Just wanted to wish you luck hun, all this stress for you - be strong and I hope it all turns out for the best for you and baby Chloe (p.s i love that name) x

 

[LucyAnn]

thank you very muck pinkbutterfly really appreciate your words xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

Right, awful news now! so he hasnt seen my daughter for like 2 and a half months. last time he contacted me, i asked him to go through legal channels to get set contact dates etc as this would be better for us because of his aggressive behaviour.
So just to recap i am due my csa money end of march, he refused to pay, then when csa said they would attach to his earnings, all of a sudden out the bag pops ''i want a dna!!!'' i did refuse.
And what i believe now, is I will not be getting my csa money in march (a big payment backdated) because it looks like he has now been made redundant and shock shock, now he is on benefits he can get legal aid so through my door yesterday pops a solicitors letter!!!!
the solicitors letter is worded horribly, i must give dna and be assured my client will be going to court for contact & parental responsibility. (now obviouslt contact is fine) but i do not want him having responsibilties no way! i not livinbg my life, having to ask him for a signature to get a passport or change schools etc.

so what do i do ladies ive got 13 days left to get a solicitors what happens? how long will it be till hes having contact? im so falling apart barely ate since yest and just cant stop crying, it hurts he is only doing something now cus he can get help for free, but what pisses me off even more is i cant really return to work now, as if i did i would have to start paying fees!!!! he is wrecking my life, never supported my daughter and honestly never bothered, he is so unstable that he can be aggressive / shout / swear etc when i spoke with a solicitor before they said he would have a nental health check before going near my daughter. excuse my french but he has really fooked me over, wont be getting no financial support and by the tine courts comes i will have lost my hair to stress!!!
and of he really is doubting paternity why did his mom tx me yesterday to come see chloe? even the csa said he only through the dna card at them when they said they were taking the money anyway! please please if anyone has any advice, or has been through this.

i just want this over i would like him to have access at a contact centre yeah but not fighting for parental rights and things xxxxx