fathers access *UPDATED 1/2/2012* solicitors letter & court!

[titch]

hun let him take it to court if he wants. The court doesnt look out for his rights, its for the child.

The fact that he hasnt bothered to contact or spend time with his daughter, his history of aggressive behaviour, I would imagine the court would consider the benefits of her knowing her father against the risk of his behaviour being unstable. They would also bear in mind that she doesnt know him now, so theres no bond to break. courts tend to want to minimise disruption for the kids, so stick with the staus quo.

If you go through the court, you'll have it all in writing, officially. If your daughter turns around in 12 years time and asks you why she doesnt see her daddy, you can show her the paperwork, so she'll never blame you for what she hasnt got.

 

[netty]

^^ what titch said, let him take you to court and make a twat out of himself lovely he sounds like a total ass

 

[LucyAnn]

thankyou ladies so much for that xxx i cryin again now cant stop. his solicitors havent even thrown in mediation or words of settleling it ourselves, just dna then court breally blunt and scary. what shall be my next step speak to a solicitors? can i ask you, in my shoes would you fold for a dna now or say no and go to court for them to order one as we will end up in court anyway.
you are right, chloe has no bond with him whatsover at the weekend she kept crying when my sis in law was tryin to hold her as she only sees her like once a month!!

whats scary too is i would like to move at some point over the next year but if he gets parental responsibilty, i have to run that past him then if i still move i will have to meet him halfway or pay towards fuel!

any visit would have to supervised, 1 of the last times he saw her , he sat her on his lap, wen she couldnt support her own head and her head flopped forward and he just left it there. i had to point it out but i had to say oh can you hold her different cus shes usuaslly sick in that position cus really if i had told him hes holding her wrong he would of flipped at me , i wouldnt trust her welfare in hiscare, i know he has to learn like i have had to when i became a mom, but shes teething now and allsorts & if she was in his care he wouldnt have a clue whats shes crying for & would probably get frustrated. god i feel like going on the run lolxxxx

 

[titch]

to be honest, on the court form when you apply for a contact order there arent many questions but one of them is 'have you been to mediation' and 'if not, why not?' so the courts wont be that impressed if he doesnt even attempt mediation.

If it were me, and my ex tried to imply he wasnt the father Id do DNA straight away to prove otherwise. It must be horrible being accused of that

 

[titch]

your next step is to go and see a solicitor, shop around, have a few 1 hour consultations and go with someone that makes you feel comfortable to talk to, and who you feel listens to you. you'll be entitled to legal aid if youre out of work, and they'll go through all that with you.

 

[LucyAnn]

thanks titch, yeah im still on mat leave so think im entitled to legal aid. think he was confused as i didnt put him on cert, i thought long and hard and didnt want to consult him with every decision in chloes life so left him off. he never even raised dna concerns while i was preg, after birth or anything not until the csa started chasing for money and he didnt even mention dna till the third time they spoke to him which they said is odd too! we were engaged & living together before we split. his parents still see chloe, i have no problem with them. yeah im like you i kinda wanted to prove it but then i thought it was just a sick game he was playin and would drop it. cus lets face it the min you get asked for dna, people judge you and brand you, im embarrassed hes asked its made me feel dirty! but im sure he only said it to delay csa payments but now is standing by it but i really truly know he knows chloe is his i have never said otherwise xxx

 

[katietateypot]

i'm so sorry you're in this situation, your ex sounds like a complete and utter waste!

we had some problems with access for my husband to see his daughter (slightly different to your situation but may help??)
My husband was not on the birth certificate but was having regular access but because his ex would just take days off him and have full control we went to a solicitor, she then stopped contact because he wanted to go on the birth certificate and she thought him not seeing Gabi meant he had no chance. In our case she was wrong
Anyway....first he had to be awarded parental responsibility which she signed over as she didnt want to go to court because she refused mediation...
i think it was tiny?? who said courts prefer couples to have at least tried mediation which is totally TRUE!! Jane refused to go and told us to take her to court which we then applied for when she found out she would get a telling off she decided to sign like i said earlier.

We were told as was Jane because Jason had a bond with Gabi, age 5; and there were no risks the judge would MORE THAN LIKELY give parental responsibility to Jay.
Basically im babbling so you see my hubby had an amazing bond with Gabi and because Jane had stopped contact we were at risk of not seeing her for a very long time again so i wouldnt worry until you have had legal advice for this in your situation. It wont be as straight forward for your ex as he may like to think

luckily because Jane signed, Jason has his parental responsibility and now has the right to put himself on the birth certificate although all he can do is add his name not change anything of Gabi's which he wouldn't want to do anyway.

i think what you have done so far is what you see to be in your daughters best interest and your instincts as MUM are probably right
Would you consider asking him to go to mediation?
I would probably refuse the DNA and let him get his answers in court when he eventually gets the answers he already knew.
I personally don't know anything about violence so don't want to add an opinion on that but i would say keep a record of all texts he sends good or bad, if they can be stored on your phone id say thats better. Your solicitor may disregard them anyway.
Jane offered Gabi to Jason full time until she found out she would lose her money which we had on texts and could have used them in court until she realised and gave in.

so sorry if what i've wrote is worth nothing!
Hoping all goes well for you and your LO in the future xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

hi, thanks for your reply, ive found it really beneficialy reading that. Did it take long in the end? you got some good evidence didnt you from the texts and things, that was great that you were able to stop her going further. ive kept all my texts from him & have started writing them down. i even have proof of me offering contact and him throwing it back in my face wanting mor visits then disappeared for 4 weeks!!

I heard off my solicitors this morning, they sounded not on my side about refusing DNA they didnt seem to understand that throughout the whole pregnancy and after, paternity was never qauestioned, only when he was asked to start paying money!
Well because its legal aid, ive just had to sort out pay slips and stuff to send them, before they will write to his solicitors. Im just scared of how much this may end up costing me as in the initial paperwork it says it could see £250 being the bill unless it goes to court etc and so on. I really dont have much money im on mat leave and every spare pound i spend on my daughter or try to pay off my loan or credit card!

i stressed to my solicitors that i would fight this all the way and prefer to go to court if thats the only way my views and proof of his visits and non visits and aggression will be heard, and would be more than happy for the courts to decide. I said its not the contact that im objecting as i know he will get that, its the dna and parental responsibilty i do not want him to have,. im not just doing a dna cus his solicitor has asked but will when court does. i hate how chloe is going to get tarred with his stupid games, is he not thinking that if she knew all this when shes older, it really doesnt sounded nice does it!

Im also scared now incase i get in a mess with costs and things as companyies never seem to take into account your debt before trying to bill you. Also ive just read in my solicitors letter that mediation only the first session is free! no wonder alot of people dont bother. Makes me think whether i should just try and fight it myself without a solicitor and how far i would get.

I only want him havin minimal contact at first at a contact centre to establish a bond. and then obviously the more often he sees her and older she gets things can progress, but no way on this earth am i going down without a fight,

This is just bad because i cant really return to work while this is going on as any extra money im making as compared to benefits will get swallowed up in solicitor fees!! The only thing i can honestly hope is this drags on and on and when he goes back to work and has to start to pay legal fees, well i bet he wont bother then. the only lucky thing is chloes not missing out at the moment because she never bonded. it is just a shame he never stepped up to the mark. xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

You are totally doing the right thing by your daughter and yourself. Never put either of u in a situation you feel uncomfortable in coz she will feel it and it will damage her. I went thru this with both my eldest girls and their dad.. Been to courts etc and he's still not interested in them. I've done my best by my girls and it's definitely in their best interests they are not around their biological father. Your story sounds exactly like mine. I put up with it for three years and all it's done is mentally damage my 7year old. She never let any man get close to me in fear I'd get hurt. Took six months before she let my new partner sit next to me, she's in love with him now she knows he is safe.
It's great he's not on the birth certificate as I've had so many problems coz he's on theirs.
If contact is in place by the courts and he doesn't stick to it you have solid evidence of that when she is older.
I really feel for u coz I know exactly what it's like. I hope everything works out for the best it's in no way your fault and you are most definitely doing the best by your daughter!!

 

[LucyAnn]

thankyou so much, its so reassuring to hear youve been through it and came out the otherside. its really good that your eldest has got better with trust. i just cant stop stressing. ive been reading how most courts always give the father parental responsibility i just cant get my head round that, they base it on how theyve support financially, if they are committed , and if they have a bond - he has none of those. had some advise from CAB they say agree to the dna and most likely he will get PR but atleast contact will start at a contact centre and be supervised. i dont mind him being in her life if its for the long term but to be honest with his aggression and being unreliable with contact, it fills my mind with doubt. just wish the courts would award contact but parental responsibilty i feel should be earned like if he keeps up contact for a year.i judst think he wants it cus hes mad at not being on birth cert so wants some power.
i just dont want to be in the situation down the line that i need something done which requires both signatures and he has dissapeared again. i think this whole situation is so hard and im happy to know your happily settled and got through it ok... gives me hope! i just wish he would drop it all its really on my mind. and thanks im trying to do everything by my daughters best intrest. its just so hard when i feel like he isnt, i mean i know a dna is just a swipe of a cotton bud in our mouths but seriously why would a father want to put their daughter through that when he has no doubts at all just feels like a power trip thing to be honest xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Totally agree with u babe it's all a power trip!! My ex loves that he has pr but you can take steps to take it away.. It's very long and hard and I've struggled with it.. I've been trying to change their name for years as it genuinely upsets her to be called by his name, even his mother came with me when he didn't turn up and said its best for the kids but they still wanted to see him, that was two years ago and I'm still trying to get it done not gonna lie it's very stressful and at times you'll feel like giving up but don't! He should have to earn pr!! Contact centre is the best for you and u can prove from day one he hasn't been interested! I have a prohibited steps order in place against him so he can't do sod all even if he wanted to.. I wish I started all this much earlier ur very smart doing it from the start!! Kids can't be picked up and put down when the father feels like it it's not right!
I'm going thru court with his mother (16th march) coz she's got in with his wife (who threatened to kill my kids) and she's twisted her into a monster making accusations about my partner and my ability as a parent.. It makes me sick to my stomach reading the lies she's told.. End of the day it's all he said she said unless u have solid proof and by doing what ur doing now u will have all the proof u need if the time comes when he says you haven't given him a chance!

Ur doing an amazing job and protecting your daughter!!
Keep it up! If u need to talk I'm here I know exactly how your feeling and believe me there is light on the other side!!!

 

[LucyAnn]

wow see they shoulkdnt make it such a struggle for you, from what i am seeing and hearing lately courts seem to give all deadbeat, abusive aggressive dads not only 2nd chances but 5th 6 th chances after they continue to screw up. and where are the courts when our suspicions are proven?? they just give them another chance.
its like my ex if we do manage to go to a contact centre if he was agressive to me daughter basically i could stop contact then but i bet he would just go to court again & get contact re instated. parts of the system is a complete joke. courts dont want to know until things have happened whereas us as mothers want to prevent certain situations happen and i really dont like how pr is given out out willy nilly instead of being earnt.

cant believe youve got that coming in march why do our ex's families want to stick the knife in even further?

im dead stressed today, my solicitors sent me a new letter about my case, i had spoke to someone different the other day and looks like she has changed the whole case thing like saying thimgs like it will be unlikely to get supervised contact & you stopped contact because you dont get along. ive emailed them this morning to stop acting on behalf. in their original letter it stated how i stopped contact because of his aggression, and inconsistanstancy with visits and i believe me & my daughter were at risk. and they had stated how he would need a mental health assesment before contact well thats been changed to, ''you have concerns about his abillity to care for your daughter, we wil try for this reason to get get supervised contact so he can learn'.
on top of that ive had his solicitor calling me today and yest and leaving voicemails about needing an answer for dna.

i dunno how you got through it all and still ongoing. you are a very strong person.
all i would like is for him to get contact through us having mediation on that step up programme ive read about where if the father aint seen lo for ages they have contact of once every two weeks for a couple of months then increases to once a week as it helps build the bond slowly.

but i bet if this was put to him he would be like ' oh i want her 50/50' he hates me having a say he really does. but i just want this over and yes best intrest for my daughter is to have contact but this has to be done slowly s she doesnt know him. thats all i want dont know what the odds are of it going my way! xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Ur doing amazing hun! It's bloody hard and some people will never understand until they've been thru it!
I totally agree with u babe! It shouldn't take something bad to happen for them to do something about it! Mediation sounds good then u won't need the courts and it will work in your favour! Your doing as much as u can for her to have contact SAFELY with her father.. If he fails then u have every right to stop contact with him I don't care what anyone says my girls are definitely better off without their dad!! I managed 7 years on my own and I have done a damn good job as a mother and I will protect them til the day I die!! If that means cutting someone out their lives then so be it!!
Get his DNA test done its such an insult to you but it will show your even more cooperative and he's just being a dick trying to get out of the responsibility!! I had DNA accusations thrown at me too it's awful

I'm here for u 100% hun if u want to chat pm me and I'll give u my number xxx

 

[marley]

Hi lucy!

I'm the product of an abusive relationship my mum did all she could to get away from
My dad and I'm so happy she did. My half brother and sister on the other hand are violent angry souls ! Good luck with it all Hun and stay strong xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

thanks really cant believe all what you must of been through. i hope i have your strength! will pm you thankyou xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

Hi lucy!

I'm the product of an abusive relationship my mum did all she could to get away from
My dad and I'm so happy she did. My half brother and sister on the other hand are violent angry souls ! Good luck with it all Hun and stay strong xxx

hi marley, its good to hear you dont hold anything against your mom, thankyou xxxx

 

[tabbi]

How are things now hunni. I read everything that has happened, i have been in the same situtation still am its been a year and 8 months now. Dont ever give up. Your daughter needs you to protect her and you are...i hope things improve for you hunno. i hope he didnt get PR or an DNA test x x x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I was also wondering how u got on I did text you but I don't know if u got it I hope ur ok xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

How are things hun??

 

[Rachaellius]

How are things hun??

She's unlikely to see this as she hasn't been on for nearly 9 months...
I speak to her on fb though, will let her know you were asking.

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