hi all. once again I kinda went quiet for a while.
This wall has also been quiet, and I feel like I need to talk. So if anyone feels like listening, go for it.
so yeah, citalopram been upped to 30mg a day now. depression and anxiety def still there. ive already wrote stuff from my past, so I wont go into all that.
I cant remember if I wrote on here that Id pulled out of uni coz of the anxiety/depression getting worse leaving my baby and feeling really overwhelmed, but yeah I have. bf still looking for work.
So I dont think I have mentioned on here, I had a big argument with my dad on fireworks night (still a waste of space, alcoholic, useless selfish father). Anyway, stupid argument, I called him and had a go at him because he went mental at my sister as she didnt have enough photos of him at her flat?!? and he blanked my niece etc, so I had a go, he kept hanging up on me, ended with him telling me to go rot in my grave. After that, I decided, im done. Hes phoned once since then as he thought Id phoned him, but that its. No phone call to say happy christmas, happy new year, forgot my daughters birthday. Did buy us xmas presents tho, perfume/aftershave for me and partner, nothing for my daughter, and a £4.99 puppet for my 4 month old. so between them, my children got 5 pounds worth... even tho he spends £100+ a day on vodka...
anyway, ill leave that.
christmas eve/christmas day morn at 3am i got a phone call from his most recent ex, nice/normal etc. saying shes really sorry for phoning, but she just received a call from my dad phone, from his bitch ex, saying my dad was lying on the floor, covered in blood, holding 2 knives over him. she didnt know what to do. i said dont worry, ill phone.
phoned my dad, she answered (i DESPISE her). i said put my dad on, she started going off on one, she held the phone up to his ear, he said nothing. i got off the phone, and sent the police there. the police said they could c no signs of harm and he sed he was fine. i got a text from his phone saying he loves her. After that... I have decided thats it. my father is never seeing me or my children again.
not only because he knew I thought he'd been stabbed and didnt bother his arse to say something to stop me worrying, but if u hadnt read my earlier post, this bitch who he claims to love, is the same one who threatened to stab me, my daughter and niece, and kick my son out of my stomach. she also stabbed my dad this time last yr, which is why i believed she had done it.
so that alone has set off all my issues, im petrified as they know where I live, and I cant sleep at night thinking she'll turn up, would set my home on fire, how could i get out - seriously on overdrive. I know this is all v unlikely, but even a small possibility?
What else. So yeah, my son was in hospital mid november, with suspected meningitis. i was heart broken, he had a lumbar puncture and the staf even told me to leave the ward andf smoke for half an hour so I wouldnt hear him screaming,. I ran downstair, chain smoked and cried.
He got the all clear, but about 3/4 weeks later, he was readmitted with sever bronchiloitis and needed oxygen and feeding tubes. Again, these 2 just broke me down and now Im petrified of him dying as a baby etc.
To top it off, my 4 year old daughter yesterday said she thought I loved her brother more than her. And that before he "came out of my tummy" I still loved her everyday. I feel like such a shit mother. I must have been seriously neglecting her. I really dont mean to, but I wont lie, since hes been born, I do feel a lot less connected with her than I used to. ITs so shit, I love her so much, and I know that, him too, its just, I kinda feel like I cant be bothered anymore. Ill feel such surges of love for them both,... but in between the surges, its kinda.. nothing.
I hate myself
I'm really ok, a bit confused with life but I'm alright. I'm just super tied up with work, Kids, Xmas and general chores. 
whats up toon 
