Being un-married

[littlemiss83]

Ok, so I cant put my finger on this exactly, but I've been thinking recently that some people might be looking down on me (and others) who are not married. I mean in life in general btw.

I worry that people might think that me and my OH don't love each other as much coz we're not married. We've been together nearly 9 years, with baby no 2 on the way. I also sometimes get the feeling that married women go on "powertrips" i'm married & your not type of attitude - my OH loves me more than yours loves you.

Me and OH will probs never get married - and thats due to both of us being against it, we dont need to prove to friends or family or anyone else that we love each other (we both think that weddings are to stand in front of god/family ect or who-ever basically and declare love/commitment & we can do that w/out the ceremony) and i'm 100% comfortable with that. But it really gets on my goat that people might be thinking we dont love each other as much.

My parents are guilty of this, but they haven't mentioned a thing about it for over 7 years now. No one else has said anything about it to me, but in general I just get the feeling that this is what people are thinking, from small things they say ect.

I completely understand why people get married & i'm not slagging them off in any way. But I just wish people wouldn't assume that un-married couples aren't as commited/love each other as much, its absolute madness.

Anyway, rant over!!

 

[knopk@]

It's not good you are feeling this way, ie people making you uncomfortable cause it's none of their business. I never dreamt of having a wedding but my husband wanted one so we had a small one, it was more of a party with close family /friends and I don't regret doing it but in the end of the day I don't think it makes me love him
more iykwim? I know couples who have been together for ages and have children without being officially married.
The only thing that's handy is the same last name.
Just ignore people who are being snotty

 

[Princess81]

Dont let other peoples opinions worry you. We aren't married and no plans to either. O/h's family are old fashioned and think we should have got married before I got pregnant but I have no qualms in telling them I'm not worried about it. I'm not saying we won't ever do it - but no plans to in the forseeable.
Don't let people make u feel judged, it's none of their business x

 

[Mummy2Adam]

I know what you mean hunny, i get it sometimes and one thing im dreading is when Adam goes to school and he has a different surname to mummy, i feel like other parents/teachers will look down on my OH and me. We have said we will get married in 2014 but we arent telling everyone as we havent got an official date yet and its still over 2 years away x x

 

[littlemiss83]

Awww thanks everyone.

I'm very much a person who sticks to their guns with things, and I am feeling more & more pressurised to conform, but not because me and OH want to, but because I worry what people think.

I was quite worried about the name thing too, but when it comes to school, the parents name is never mentioned if that makes sense, any letters or anything that comes from the school says...parent/guardian of.....in 2 years of school i dont think i've ever been called by my full name.

I have been considering changing my surname to OH's but thats more to do with the fact that I dont feel like my surname is actually mine (my mum re-married & my name got changed when I was wee & I never liked it) it would be nice for 3 of us to have same surname (when baby born) but I dont want people to think we're cheating out of the wedding thing.

A month or 2 ago I met an old friend (male) when I said I was expecting no 2, he said....why u no married then? and I duno I kinda felt like thats what alot of people are thinking. And my wee granny who passed away 2 yrs ago aged 92 said that even if we dont have enough money we should still get married coz its right, and better for kids....maybe I just wana do what I wana do & not what ppl expect.

 

[littlemiss83]

Me and OH agreed a long time ago that IF we ever did it, it would be a very small ceremony, preferably not in Britain & only with very close family members, and I dont know, it just sounds alot more appealing & romantic - but it still feels like we'd only be doing it to prove something.

 

[knopk@]

Me and OH agreed a long time ago that IF we ever did it, it would be a very small ceremony, preferably not in Britain & only with very close family members, and I dont know, it just sounds alot more appealing & romantic - but it still feels like we'd only be doing it to prove something.

If it feels like that to you, dont waste money on doing it. If it feels like you want to have a great time celebrating with your OH friends and family, then definitely worth doing.

Because I am not British, I thought it would be a pain in my behind spelling my last namer every time so I am glad I changed the name, even if for a selfish reason

Older generation tend to think you have to be married but you dont nowadays, if it came to inheritance, I think its the same anyway?

 

[littlemiss83]

I'm in the process of setting up a will through my solicitor which would put my OH down as custody of kids/house/money ect. So i'm hoping that would sort out the whole inheritance thing (I think)

Seriously considering changing my name either before baby is born or before he/she is registered.

 

[Olive]

Hi hun,

I am with you here. We've been together 8 years and aren't married. I'd quite like to, but OH doesn't want to for the same reasons you've listed. I've always known that, so I'm being a bit unfair changing my mind now! Lol.

The only thing that bugs me is the surname issue. I'm tempted to change mine, but then I wonder will I get people looking at me funny when I'm still a miss. Idk Not sure what to do.

A few of my married friends have annoyed me because they say that they feel different when they're married and that everything changes. Maybe it does for some people, but it won't change how I feel about OH. The funny thing is we've been together a lot long than they have and I feel they automatically think it makes them more of a couple than us. The only thing I'm keen on is the surname and I like the idea of him being my husband, instead of bf.

xxx

 

[BevG]

i just want me and my kid and its dad to all have the same name, legally and without me changing mine by deed poll to kind of imitate marriage. i dont want a fuss or a big do or a dress, just my piece of paper saying were a family. OH thinks the same but were in no rush to do it.

 

[knopk@]

I have always wanted to just go and do it, couple of my friends did it and then went on honeymoon. There is no need to make a big deal out of it but as long as both partners want to do it, its not that complicated.

We had to jump through so many hoops being in a different country and citizens of different countries. Being in the UK should be a breeze

 

[JoJo79]

I used to feel this way hunni, dont let anyone make you feel like you are,

Me and Adam were together 8yrs before we got married it was something i always wanted to do, Adam was very much of the opinion it wouldnt change anything (which to be fair it hasnt)

I had 5 yrs of my girls being at the same school they have different surnames and mine was different to both of them!! Who cares!!!

Its what makes you both happy and anyone who has a problem with it tell them to get lost! Its what works for you xxx

 

[Jayjay027]

In this day and age, no1 really looks down their nose at unmarried couples.

I got married becuz me and hubby wanted to, not becuz of what people might think of us when we have kids.

Its ur life, ur relationship. Who gives a rats ass what anyone thinks??

Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk

 

[FebMum2Be]

I personally couldn't care less about what other people thought, being married isn't going to make me a better or worse mother. I certainly wouldn't get married just because of other people, I will raise my child and be the same person with or without a ring on my finger x

 

[littlemiss83]

Thanks for sharing your views everyone!!

I have been hearing alot about weddings recently & had more people mention it than ever, especially being pg with no2. It got me wondering if we were the strange ones & maybe its something we should do, for the kids, but OH said, if you really want to then we will, but not just do it because its what everyone else wants.

Even if we both want to get married, my ability to handle stress has dissapeared the last cpl of years, and my patience left the room donkeys ago, and I know he'd sit back and let me organise it. Plus we just cant afford it. Only possibility for us is a spur of the moment thing.

We're happy the way we are but somethings just making me think we should consider it, and its more than likely coz of people butting in.

 

[Lacey's Mummy]

Me and OH ain't married and people have said to me, don't I fill sad not having the same surname as the kids, don't I love OH that much etc! A girl at work who's married even said her little boy will be the only child at school with parents still together because couples don't last anymore! I was like, eh DD's at school and we're still together!
I go through stages of wanting to get married but most of the time I don't. Like you I don't need to prove I love my bloke by getting married, I think 2 kids and a mortgage says I'm committed enough!

 

[spice]

i grew up with parent that weren't married yes there was a few comments from kids at school when i was young (from kids who had married parents) but the funny thing is the majority of those peoples parents have no separated! my parents are VERY alternative and were always open with they weren't married and were not going to be!

but 5 years ago for some reason they changed their minds! they told me they were going to get married and not to tell my little bro (he was 16 at the time, and he has learning difficulties) they told him the morning they were getting married! they got married at my mums home town registry office with my grandparents (my mums parents, the only set of grandparents left) as the witnesses and me and my brother as the only guests it was great, and only cost a really small amount, the most expensive thing was their rings (platinum and welsh gold) neither of my parent even bothered dressing for the event . . . my mum wore jeans and her fav blue jumper!

so do what's right for you as a couple, and if that's not getting married then so what! you love each other and have a happy stable relationship for your kids to grow up around, that's all that matters! x

 

[littlemiss83]

Spice i love the fact that your parents done that. Did you ever find out what made them change their minds?

My grannie (that i mentioned earlier in the thread) she got married during the war & said he was going off 2 war & they had 2 get married quick (she might have mentioned something about having to be married to send letters to each other?) she just put on her church outfit, and i'm sure she said the only expense was the rings, which were fake gold, then when the war was over they bought real gold ones.

 

[TaffyRose]

Hey hun, me and my OH have been together over 8 years and are ttc our first but are not married. People kept on at us for the first 4 years of our relationship but have now given up as w've stayed together are happier than a lot of couples I know and can't wait to add to our family. I'm not against marriage (both our parents are still married) but we just don't feel it's necessary I guess. We have said maybe we'll do it later when we've had all our children so they can share in the day but we'll wait and see.

We have discussed me changing my name so when we have children we all have the same name but it's not because anyone may look down on us, just because I want my children to have the same name as me, I'd just be a Ms rather than Miss.

I think it's really important to do what's right for you, I know if my other half proposes it's because he 100% wants to not just wants to conform, it sounds to me like you have a great relationship and a lovely family so enjoy it hun and if you want to change your name do that.

Good luck with the next LO xxx

 

[FebMum2Be]

My auntie and uncle got married when they were 50, their children were in their late twenties and they had 3 grandchildren and another on the way.. They just decided they wanted to do it for themselves, I thought it was really lovely

On the other hand, my other auntie and uncle, 33 years ago, were basically forced up the aisle by my aunties dad because she was pregnant, they didn't want it and it didn't last, so marriage isn't always the right step for people, that was back in the day when it was really bad to have a child out of wedlock x