Being un-married

[knopk@]

It's still like that where I am from - people get married when they are up the duff but a lot of marriages don't last of course. Really sad I think. Everyone kept asking me when I am due after we got married - I was like WTF, do I look pregnant?

Couple of generations back it was different(even the laws) but now society has changed.
Mind you, I liked getting married cause it felt right and we had a great honeymoon afterwards but I agree with above posts- people should do what feels right to them, not anyone else(lots of my relatives didn't get an invitation for example)

 

[DaisyPurple]

If you are happy as you are then take no notice of anybody else trying to make you feel that you need to change things.
I've been with my oh 20 years, we got engaged after 4 years, bought a house at 5 years, had our son at 11 years and married at 12 years, we decided, organised and tied the knot within 5 weeks, shocked everyone really, had a small but perfectly lovely day with only parents/step-parents and our little one & 4 close friends, brothers/ sisters & other hangers on didn't get an invite to keep numbers and fuss to a minimum. I dont think it matters what other people think or expect of you, you must do what suits you and your OH, and to hell with the rest of them, one reason for us marrying apart from the obvious committing to each other in law, was that my mum had made it clear she was my next of kin when i had my son, a shuddering thought, for other reasons, and as I was sharing my life with the man I love anyway, I didn't want her trying to get her paws on my half of the house etc if anything happens to me. Sorry if that all sounds a bit out of whack, but just thought I'd give my opinion.

 

[littlemiss83]

I'm loving all the opinions on marriage and name change.

I am even more keen now to change my surname.

My mum is very religious (not my dad) and I think she thinks i'm gonna go to hell or something, once I moved out, I wanted all religion out my life (thats how bad she was) so i'm kinda determined not to do it & prove that I can.

Things are alot different law wise, I dont know about England but in Scotland if the baby's daddy is on the birth cert then they have the same rights as a married couple. Common law marriage or something.

Thanks again ladies. Not really spoke to anyone about this at all!

 

[DaisyPurple]

My name situation was quite similar to yours, my name was changed when.I was 9 (not legally) when my mum married her 2nd husband, I had no option but to legally change it to that name at 18 in order to get a passport, since then she had remarried and I was left with my step-monsters surname, the religion thing is similar too, hense us using register office, anyway its all good now.

 

[Geminiblue]

Im honestly shocked that people comment and Im not surprised you feel bad about it??? Im really shocked. I had Jude then we got married a year later...I didnt have any of that. Im 38 now...what is odd is that we had to re-register Jude at the registry office as the baby we are having now will be born in wedlock and if anything happened to us Jude would get nothing and this child will have more rights!!! We wanted to get married but that was just for us. I think some of my friends are married and some arent, its not something that ever comes up I dont think? I think that might just be me though.

I had a different name to my mum as she was married 3 times in total and it used to get on my nerves that people couldnt get our last names right and I wouldnt deny my last name as that belongs to my dad if that makes sense.

Not surprised that you feel unsettled about it when your mum feels the way she does. Its just not something thats ever registered with me I would never consider making my unmarried friends feel uncomfortable but Ive only been married just over a year and Im 38 xxx

 

[DaisyPurple]

I just remembered that I had to re register J's birth after the wedding too, for the same reasons, x

 

[littlemiss83]

I dont know why people have commented, I always thought it was just one of those things that ppl say when your having kids ect..or if you say you've been with someone for so long they say...so when's the wedding.

I know my parents will be looking down on my OH, they probs think its his role to take control & get married ect. I hate the thought of them thinking bad of him. Think i'm the only person in my whole family who's had kids out of wedlock. I remember my mum saying to me...how do you think your daughter's gonna feel when she's picked on at school for parents not married...thats how braindead she is...she seriously thinks stuff like that goes on - she's only in her early 40s so not exactly an old fogey.

 

[DaisyPurple]

She sounds charming, not, just enjoy your life choices and don't allow her thoughts or ideas to cloud your judgement! The world is made up of all types, and we can't choose our family, but we can choose to ignore thier advice

 

[littlemiss83]

She sounds charming, not, just enjoy your life choices and don't allow her thoughts or ideas to cloud your judgement! The world is made up of all types, and we can't choose our family, but we can choose to ignore thier advice

Well said! Thank you

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

We got married when i was pregnant with Jasper, mostly because i wanted to have the same second name as my son and if you change your name by Deed-Poll it pulls up all sorts of problems when you apply for visas in different countries (they want to know why/how you changed your name etc) It really was a wedding of convinence.

Strangely enough, i get it the other way round, i feel people assume we ONLY got married because Liam is South African and needed to stay in the country (which is none-sense, Liam has a British passport and always has had, his mum is Welsh)

I think you are always going to think you are the exception!

We got married in secret, 3 people were at our wedding, 2 witnesses and my dad. Thats it, we DO believe in marriage but being pagan we want to have a dawn handfasting, which is nothing to do with signing a document for the purpose of changing my name and being considered married for tax and pension purposes.

I have got no prejudice towards folk who are un-married, to be honest if i am going to ask a question it is often 'how long have you been together'? I find it strange that now that we are married, we are expected to forget the 5 years we spent together before we got married and ONLY count the married years, that is no something i am prepared to do and where as we celebrate our anniversary of hooking up in style, we rarely celebrate our wedding anniversary, it was just a legal day in all our days together Nothing too special!

I am glad i have the same name as my babies though - i would have hated not to have the same name on the birth certificate and i wouldnt have wanted to put OH in a position where he needed to have a different name to them (plus if i am honest, i much prefer his last name to mine lol!)

 

[ISH]

I may be a cow, but I'm an honest one. I told OH marriage didn't mean much to me as it wouldn't change anything between us and I was only doing it so I could wear a ludicrously expensive dress! I know how shallow I am, and unfortunately it's incurable

Anyway, of course nothing DID change between us, but I ended up having the best day of my life.

 

[littlemiss83]

Thanks big bump,

What do you think I should do then, regarding changing my name? If you were me would you change it (i will be only 1 out of 4 of us in house with that surname & I hate it) going by what you said about it making things difficult. did you come across any other problems about the name thing? I'm actually thinking of starting a seperate thread about changing names, to hear ppl's stories.

I love that your pagan - my MIL is in a very high position if thats the right term to use, not sure if I should put on here what she is, but yeah she's important in the pagan world lets just say. I love hearing about all the things she does, she's just back from Germany for a pagan event.

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Sorry i am an earthy pagan, Pagan meaning 'not of the book' or 'not of any order'

i find wiccans a bit of a strange one, they seem to have created books and orders and turned it into something it is not. Frankly i think there should be some distinction between the two.

I believe in the seasons, the sun, moon and the rain. I believe you can have no higher importance than anyone else in paganism because we are all of the same light and lives, no one is 'more' than anyone else

there is alot more but that probably sums it up

As for changing your name. If you are going to change your name by Deed-Poll, though it is cheap, it does come with an array of problems. I mean like every time you apply for a passport its going to take twice as long and if you open a bank account you will have to answer a load of questions about why you changed it.

Of course people DO change their name all the time but they tend to scrutinized you alot more if you have changed it for 'no reason such as marriage' and they want to know why/what/when and how.

Especially if you plan to travel the world at all, i know in Asia it was a massive faff of more documents etc if you had changed your name by Deed-Poll... I think it is the same with most immigration cards etc

So be wary of that, if you are prepared to do it in order to not have to be married, then carry on but considering marriage is basically the same thing (you sign a document, no one ever questions it etc) and if you do get divorced i think it costs a grand total of £90 to apply, i would honestly just say get married and dont tell anyone but take his name. Its just easier for legal reasons

Up to you though, if you are going to stick to your guns then i have utter respect for you, i just wouldnt have been able to be arsed with the faff of it all. Especially as we like to travel

 

[littlemiss83]

I'm not sure of the exact pagan rules my MIL follows, she's said similar things about worshiping the seasons & earth/water ect. She doesn't follow anyone either, and people dont follow her, I dont think its teachings as such, but they meet up and do ceremony's together. She even had thoughts at a ceremony in December that she'd have another grandchild this year (this was before we were even ttc) anyway - yeah she's a very spiritual woman & it amazes me how she's able to control her thoughts & situations by having a positive outlook.

I know exactly where you're coming from with the changing name thing & marriage being easier. When you said it like that it kinda got me thinking. I'm gonna have a chat with OH & get his thoughts. Defo want to get my name changed one way or the other. We dont travel apart from our yearly holiday. My name was changed when I was younger anyway so I have hold ups with forms alot as it is.

Out of curiosity, does anyone know how much it would cost for a very secret wedding - i.e ceremony only & legal doc's??

 

[Piglet10]

if you and your partner are happy and you are good parents or parents to be and are good people, then it REALLY doesnt matter what anyone thinks of you and your actions,

if they say it to ur face, tell them its none of their business and when they have lived a perfect life then they can judge you, and if they say or think it behind ur back , brilliant just ignore it and enjoy ur own life and family xxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

It costs £142 to get married and you just need to tell two people who act as witnesses

 

[littlemiss83]

Ish - my OH would only try & get me to get a cheap dress...i can imagine it just now, he moans enough as it is

Thanks piglet, I dont normally care what ppl think but it seemed to be happening alot recently, I just say....coz we dont want to. End of really.

Thanks for the info BB.

 

[spice]

no i still don't know why the changed their minds but i'm glad thy did, their relationship was very up and down when i was a kid and when they got married i told them it will either make them or break them (as they were now legally commited to each other ect) and so far it really has made them, their so much happier as a couple now!

they had to re-register both my brothers and my birth (though you supposedly don't have to re-register if the child is over 18 ... which i was but the registrar did it anyway!) and as both me and my brother had my mothers maiden name we were re-registered with my fathers name ... though i've never changed anything over and still have my original birth certificate, expired passport ect! and i've not had any problems so far ... but i haven't registered my sons birth yet so that could be a long appointment!

i'm starting to think you should just do exactly what BigBump said ... go do it in secret and not bother telling anyone ... or tell them but afterwards! best of luck with whatever you decided though! x

 

[littlemiss83]

Thanks spice

I'm seriously considering it. Not sure financially right now though, would need to check how it would effect my money ect & also see if I can afford the £100 odd.

 

[Piglet10]

do u really want to be married for convenience?

if the time isnt right to do it how u wud like to , i wud wait, its not something u can REALLY repeat , and wud be a horrible regret if it wasnt how u wanted it xxx