Any advice

[Jaxx01]

I was never saying a father should my be involved or not encouraged to bond. All I was saying was that there's no way I would leave a newborn with someone else regardless of whether he was the father or not. And I don't think the court would order for the baby to be left in a contact centre either without the mother at a very young age.

Like the others have suggested, maybe a quick walk round the block or some time in the same house! Then once bond is established you can then discuss further options!!

 

[Loula]

I think that your taking this way to heart c1978.
Tbh i know nothing about a fathers bonding as my own is a tool and my babys dad walked out on me when i was 8 weeks pregnant, changed his number and blocked me on fb and doesnt even know he has a daughter fine by me x

 

[titch]

I was never saying a father should my be involved or not encouraged to bond. All I was saying was that there's no way I would leave a newborn with someone else regardless of whether he was the father or not. And I don't think the court would order for the baby to be left in a contact centre either without the mother at a very young age.

Like the others have suggested, maybe a quick walk round the block or some time in the same house! Then once bond is established you can then discuss further options!!

but the father is expected to leave HIS newborn baby with the mother? Im sorry but that's just not right. A child is half mother half father, its not just 'someone else' its the only person in this whole world, other than you, who made this child. This chid is both the mothers and the fathers flesh and blood.

My rant at the world is this....

I find it amazing that when couples are together its not a problem to expect dad to watch the baby while mum gets some sleep, has a shower, or dad takes the little one out for a walk so mum can have 5 mins peace or when the baby is a bit older mum goes out to the shops and baby and dad stay home, and then all of a sudden, when a couple has split up, they consider the father some kind of dangerous monster who shouldnt be around children. What has changed?!

Theres no 2 ways about it, a child NEEDS both their parents. Yes there are some rare cases where men AND WOMEN have psychological issues, or problems with drink, drugs, anger whatever.. those people arent safe to look after kids, thats why we have social services. But children who are removed from hideous situations by social services suffer the consequences of being removed from their natural parents. Its just the lesser of 2 evils in some cases.

But men whose only crime is to not be in a relationship with their childs mother are not dangerous people. That is not a good reason to let your child grow up without having a relationship with both their natural parents.

Parenting is hard hard work, noone is perfect, we're all filled with intentions of giving our child the best of everything, but real life is hard and sometimes we end up letting our child eat sweets in front of cbeebies so we can get some peace, or we shout at our children because we're so frustrated and then wish we'd handled the situation differently. Noone is a perfect parent. Some are even less perfect than others some of the decisions my sons father has made I consider so far from perfect theres not even a word. But what can I do, I hope that he is still growing and learning as a parent. I hope that he intends to be the very best parent that he can be to our son. I dont know what will happen long term, I dont know what his very best is yet. But Im not out to punish my son to get to him.

If you can get into your head, that you will do everything you can do, to help your child have a relationship with their dad, despite the circumstances, then youre onto a winner. If you see contact for the father as some kind of reward that you feel he doesnt deserve, then youre in for a long battle, which ultimately, will hurt your child more than anyone else involved.

 

[Jaxx01]

I do see where you're coming from, but I guess I am guilty of being blinded and having my view changed by my own circumstances.

I don't see contact with Stanley's father as a reward he doesn't deserve but I did not and still do not feel comfortable with the thought of leaving my child with someone who is a stranger to him??? That makes absolutely no sense to me?? IF the father is absent during the pregnancy SURELY the contact should be supervised as the baby would have zero bond!??

Your post has quite frankly made me feel pretty crap tbh when all I'm trying to do is best for my boy!

 

[Jaxx01]

And no one as far as I know is saying the father shouldn't have a relationship with the baby, simply saying it should be supervised to begin with!?

 

[titch]

supervised by who? The supervisor would also be a stranger to the baby. Unless the mother was 'supervising' which is basically what I suggested above.

If the baby will be BFing then they need to demand feed, which means mum needs to be to hand if baby starts crying for a feed. So an hour in a contact centre would just totally ruin a plan to breastfeed.

Im sorry if my post made you feel like crap. I never said you werent doing your best for your son, Im sure you are. I did say it was my rant at the world, it relates to general situations where parents get into these petty battles over contact which I find ludicrous.

 

[MrsR]

I was never saying a father should my be involved or not encouraged to bond. All I was saying was that there's no way I would leave a newborn with someone else regardless of whether he was the father or not. And I don't think the court would order for the baby to be left in a contact centre either without the mother at a very young age.

Like the others have suggested, maybe a quick walk round the block or some time in the same house! Then once bond is established you can then discuss further options!!

but the father is expected to leave HIS newborn baby with the mother? Im sorry but that's just not right. A child is half mother half father, its not just 'someone else' its the only person in this whole world, other than you, who made this child. This chid is both the mothers and the fathers flesh and blood.

My rant at the world is this....

I find it amazing that when couples are together its not a problem to expect dad to watch the baby while mum gets some sleep, has a shower, or dad takes the little one out for a walk so mum can have 5 mins peace or when the baby is a bit older mum goes out to the shops and baby and dad stay home, and then all of a sudden, when a couple has split up, they consider the father some kind of dangerous monster who shouldnt be around children. What has changed?!

Theres no 2 ways about it, a child NEEDS both their parents. Yes there are some rare cases where men AND WOMEN have psychological issues, or problems with drink, drugs, anger whatever.. those people arent safe to look after kids, thats why we have social services. But children who are removed from hideous situations by social services suffer the consequences of being removed from their natural parents. Its just the lesser of 2 evils in some cases.

But men whose only crime is to not be in a relationship with their childs mother are not dangerous people. That is not a good reason to let your child grow up without having a relationship with both their natural parents.

Parenting is hard hard work, noone is perfect, we're all filled with intentions of giving our child the best of everything, but real life is hard and sometimes we end up letting our child eat sweets in front of cbeebies so we can get some peace, or we shout at our children because we're so frustrated and then wish we'd handled the situation differently. Noone is a perfect parent. Some are even less perfect than others some of the decisions my sons father has made I consider so far from perfect theres not even a word. But what can I do, I hope that he is still growing and learning as a parent. I hope that he intends to be the very best parent that he can be to our son. I dont know what will happen long term, I dont know what his very best is yet. But Im not out to punish my son to get to him.

If you can get into your head, that you will do everything you can do, to help your child have a relationship with their dad, despite the circumstances, then youre onto a winner. If you see contact for the father as some kind of reward that you feel he doesnt deserve, then youre in for a long battle, which ultimately, will hurt your child more than anyone else involved.

I agree with a lot of what you say here but.......even when I was with my ex I did everything for B until he was about 6 months old! Not because I didn't trust my ex or want him to bond but because I felt it was the right thing for B as a newborn to be with his mummy the majority of the time. Rightly or wrongly. However, that said, I work darn hard to make sure my children see FOB. My family work hard to help out too and I think it's very very important for the relationship to be maintained. I agree that children need both parents and that dads are usually the ones to suffer during a relationship breakdown. Which is why I've been so adamant that my ex sees his children regularly, despite everything he did to me as that's between him and me! If we'd split up whilst B was tiny I'd of asked him to see B with me there, not as a punishment or for me to observe how is was with his son but just because I wouldn't feel right leaving my newborn baby. I don't think it's a reflection in the dad or the mum to ask dad to see baby with mum present, if the situation is amicable enough to allow this. I disagree with supervised contact through SS or a contact centre however.

 

[MrsR]

supervised by who? The supervisor would also be a stranger to the baby. Unless the mother was 'supervising' which is basically what I suggested above.

If the baby will be BFing then they need to demand feed, which means mum needs to be to hand if baby starts crying for a feed. So an hour in a contact centre would just totally ruin a plan to breastfeed.

Im sorry if my post made you feel like crap. I never said you werent doing your best for your son, Im sure you are. I did say it was my rant at the world, it relates to general situations where parents get into these petty battles over contact which I find ludicrous.

I completely agree with the petty battles over children being ludicrous! Parents should be able to out aside their differences for the good of their children! Unless of course violence has occurred/been threatened! I could have pulled the 'you can't see the kids after what you've done' thing but I haven't as I wouldn't want the children to miss out on their dad! Despite everything that's happened between us!

 

[Phoenix0306]

I seem to have started something.....I meant him seeing her at my home not taking her out of the home until we both feel secure.

Obviously I don't know how things are going to work out but I do know I want her dad to have as much time with her as possible, as a first time mum I am obviously new to this and he himself has not been around babies.


Which means I will hopefully get more comfortable dealing with baby quicker than he does.

 

[redbear]

I think it was the word supervise. TBH i think it depends on the individual, Terry was a better mum than me, hands down i called him mummy no tit's because he knew what he was doing more than and better than me. He has lots of nephews and babysat a lot etc so knew more about what to do with her. So i think it would be ridiculous to say i needed to supervise him just because we are not together. What first time mum can hand on heart 100% say they knew what they where doing, half this forum is full of us all asking if poo should be that color or if they have taken enough milk etc. Not saying that makes us bad parents but we are all the same and have to learn the same way, through experience and i wouldn't want someone hovering watching me and my daughter so why would he?

I think the best idea is to leave them alone even if its just in your house for an hour while you have a bath or go sit on the bed and read a book. And then gradually build up the time and confidence until you both feel ready for him to take her out of the house alone (for a walk whatever) and so on until he can have her at his and your both happy. xx

 

[B00533842]

Let me give a male perspective. i am head over heels at the fact that Im going to be a Dad. im thrilled to bits. My babys mum does not want to let the baby out of her sight when its born for the reason that she is unsure il be able to cope. Heres my thing tho. Im not sure she will be able to cope. She told me shes worried incase she gets depressed yet tells me she doesnt want me to take the baby out of her house. Her first kid is 3 years old and still chews a dummy and cant use the toilet yet !! But mommy calls all the shots. Its bullcrap. Heres what i would love. For her to come to parenting new born classes with me. Show that show that i have a rough idea and then she will let baby come out with me for a couple of hours a day. Allow the baby to go out with daddy on two conditions. 1) he goes to parenting newborn classes with or without you. And 2) he moves in with his mother for the first month so she can support him. At the end of the day. You two arnt together. Thats too bad.mommy cant have her cake and eat it. Its his kid too. Thats my opinion. And i would love my pregnant ex to see it that way!! Maybe u should see it that way. Its hard luck im afraid. Supervision is offensive. Degrading and can hurt ur childs father so much that he will resent you and never forgive you.

 

[Phoenix0306]

Agree supervision was the wrong word to use, just meant I would be in the flat to begin with....hopefully having a nap as will need it.

The Dad has not shown a great deal of interest all the way through up until the last couple of weeks and then it a bit hit and miss.


Would never use our child against him and want him to have as many visits per week as he wants

 

[B00533842]

Thats understandable. If you go upstairs and allow him to sit in the living room with the baby as much as possible thats great definately reasonable. i have shown an interest in my baby throughout and I am struggling to convince her to let me see my baby everyday. She says she doesnt want to see me very often. Pity. Cos im breaking my back for her trying to be involved and help!

 

[cosmicgirl]

Agree supervision was the wrong word to use, just meant I would be in the flat to begin with....hopefully having a nap as will need it.

The Dad has not shown a great deal of interest all the way through up until the last couple of weeks and then it a bit hit and miss.


Would never use our child against him and want him to have as many visits per week as he wants

If he hasn't shown a great deal of interest up until now and has been hit and miss then I'd personally play it by ear. You may find that he remains this way once lo is born. There is nothing more cruel to a child than for a dad to see the child then not bother any more, I'd see how serious he is about seeing lo xx