Any advice

Phoenix0306

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For a single mum to be.

I am due to give birth to my first LO in 11 weeks, and am not with the father anymore.

We are trying to remain friends, and at the moment that is not going to badly.

I am aware that once the baby is here that could well change.

Does anyone have any advice with regards to father bonding with child.....spending time with her (supervised of course as he is a first time DAD)

Would be grateful for any advice anyone can offer.
 
We all have to learn how to be a parent at some stage. Even mums. Why should dad have to have supervised visits? Why put them both through that? Why assume this is the only way forward. You both made the decision to have the child and that child is equally yours. If you're worrying about bonding then this is the perfect way to hinder it.
 
I totally disagree. A new mother cannot be expected to let her child out of her sight until she is confident enough to do so. He will need to be supervised as he won't necessarily have the father/child bond as he doesn't live with them!

I was in the same situation and because my child's father left us when I was 6 weeks pregnant I thought it best to get it set up in proper channels! If someone can walk out on a pregnancy then I thought it would be best to save him walking out on Stanley. He's now 14 months old and not a sign if court sadly :(

Hope everything goes ok x


 
I agree. As the mother of a newborn there is no chance that the baby would be out of my sight for one second until I was 100% sure that the father was capable and knew what he was doing. Especially as he doesn't live with the baby.
I do this with my oh and we've lived together for 10 years lol
I agree, supervised first, maybe on neutral ground?? x
 
Why is it ok for you to say you wouldn't let your children out of your sight and you can't trust the father until you're 100% sure?!
I see no difference. I would give anything to be able to raise my daughter and yet I'm treated as an aquentance.
It's societies backwards thinking and laws that cause this kind of single minded attitude towards children of split parents. Just because mothers have natural custody of the child it doesn't mean all men should be branded as untrustworthy with their own child and forced to see their child in an environment thats little more than a zoo.
The question was regarding bonding. Supervised visits and court proceedings does the complete opposite for a father. You couldnt feel more unwanted and unneeded.
 
Because a newborn has needs, sometimes needs a father cannot provide!! Unless of course you have breasts??? I think it is perfectly acceptable to say a mother would not want her baby away from her until she was satisfied that baby was being cared for. A mother has nurtured and given both to that baby, it's been a part of her life for 9 months she can't just ham the baby over like its a toy??? Also it's totally 100% best for the baby. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but I don't actually think you are right.


 
Milk can be expressed. The love, care and nurture you mention is just as strong an emotion for a new father. It's the willingness to dismiss these feelings and to refer to the child as "yours" simply because you've carried it and now decide you no longer want to be with the father?
A lot of threads on here seem to forget that there was a time when two people lovingly decided to have a child "together".
I've tried to not use scenarios because I don't want to assume I know the details but as far as the advice regarding bonding is concerned? I'll confirm to you that this is the perfect way to push a father away.
 
No don't assume! I wanted to be with the father but HE buggered off! That's not my fault... He wouldn't have had a bond with that child as he was absent for the 9 months I was carrying him. My child never heard his voice in the womb nothing. There is absolutely no way on this earth I woul have expressed milk and left my bay with him that's absurd! I'm sorry you are on the other side of it but I don't think you quite understand what I'm trying to say


 
You need to remove yourself from your situation. The scenario in this thread is that the father wants to be involved and the mother is questioning bonding from this stage onwards. To immediately impress your feelings of ownership upon the child and suggest the only way he can bond is via a room with someone watching his every move will do more damage than good. How more insignificant can you feel??
Your scenario sounds different and I've not referred to it in anyway. However, if there is any chance of amicability then the mother has a responsibility to go out of her way to ensure the child has both parents in their life. No matter how hard or inconvenient it becomes. Simply dropping a child off at a centre for a few hours a week does not mean you are doing your fair share.
Men are dicks and so are women. People are dicks. But it seems people give up far too easily these days and its the child that suffers most. You loved each other enough to make a responsible decision together at one stage so honour that decision as fully as you can is all I'm saying.
 
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I would genuinely give up all my limbs if it meant raising my daughter. I want for nothing more at this stage in my life. And it would give me no greater joy than to see her interact with her real mother. I'd honestly put up with anything as long as I knew she was getting something out of it.
I think that's why I resent reading comments such as "he can't bond as he doesn't live with her". I think it's a generalisation and a bit unsympathetic.
In an ideal world both families would recognise they now have a common responsibility and also do their bit.
If there's any chance of amicability then go for it. Involve the grandparents/family too so visits are less "surgical". Surely it's best for the child if they have one family as opposed to two who ignore each other? What must the child think if mum can cut a child's dad out of her life so completely? Surely a child will fear they too can be removed so completely from the family unit?
I'm aware this sounds like fantasy to most people on here (myself included) but if things are amicable now then surgical visits and a lack of communication between families will become a wedge. If its at all possible suggest a meeting between grandparents/family members/father etc and give it a chance before he feels forced away, intimidated or overwhelmed by the situation. He should be able to enjoy his child in a family environment just as much as the mother and everyone needs to recognise that. A family seems to have very little meaning these days and its a shame.
 
For a single mum to be.

I am due to give birth to my first LO in 11 weeks, and am not with the father anymore.

We are trying to remain friends, and at the moment that is not going to badly.

I am aware that once the baby is here that could well change.

Does anyone have any advice with regards to father bonding with child.....spending time with her (supervised of course as he is a first time DAD)

Would be grateful for any advice anyone can offer.

If you are staying friends could you arrange for dad to see bubba at your house at first to bond?
In a way I see what the man on here is saying, nobody 'supervises' new single mothers, why should new fathers be supervised? But I also know without a shadow of a doubt I wouldn't let my newborn leave my side. Even when I was with my children's dad when my son was tiny I was the primary carer. To a lot of mums it's instinct that tells them what their baby needs and when whereas a dad usually has to learn those things. I would be more inclined, if you're able to be civil and friendly, to have dad see baby at either your house or a mutual friends house/family members house with you there to bond with baby. That way you can be at hand to help him not only bond but guide him in what your baby needs. That way you can see for yourself how they're getting on together and maybe be a bit more relaxed when baby is older to spend time alone with dad. If you wouldn't be comfortable alone with dad could a friend or family member stay with you whilst he is there?

Yes milk can be expressed, however it is not recommended for breast feeding to introduce a bottle too soon so it's a moot point really. There are other ways for dads to bond, not just feeding. I believe the law is right to give mothers primary care of a baby, of course you'll think I'm saying that as a woman therefore I'm biased, but in my experience most men have less patience, and less to do with tiny babies (from birth until about 6 months) than mothers do, even in circumstances where parents are together.
 
I'm not being unsympathetic. I do sympathise, if you are wanting to see your daughter and not being allowed. I'm not going to try and compare my situation as its different BUT I was stating a fact. If a man has not been present throughout the pregnancy and does not live with the child then when the baby is newborn that bond would not have started to be established!! Like the lady before me posted, Alot if what a newborn needs is known by the mother by instinct, like BF etc.

I agree with seeing if you can set up a meeting at a grandparents house or similar xx


 
Id say do what your comfortable with but if the father of my baby was in and out of my pregnancy i would be cautious.
A mother bonds with the baby over the pregnancy where its harder for the male i guess as they only bond from birth and i dnt think i know any mother who would let there baby out of their site. The father will hve to respect your wishes. hope u manage to sort something x
 
Id say do what your comfortable with but if the father of my baby was in and out of my pregnancy i would be cautious.
A mother bonds with the baby over the pregnancy where its harder for the male i guess as they only bond from birth and i dnt think i know any mother who would let there baby out of their site. The father will hve to respect your wishes. hope u manage to sort something x

So accepting the fact that its harder for a male to bond with the child and only after birth, your answers regarding the original question of bonding are simply that the father will have to respect the mothers wishes?! You mention the child living with you and not letting them out f your sight as if there is only one person of importance in the child's life. We're questioning father/child bonding and you couldn't be discussing more to encourage the opposite.

It's this lack of empathy and understanding that gets me. We all have our stories and different version of events, it's why we're here. The original thread made no mention of being in and out of the pregnancy. But given your acceptance of a male not bonding until after birth can you understand why they maybe in an out? Can you understand the importance of that bonding happening right away after birth for the sake of the fathers parental instincts to kick in? How this should be encouraged ASAP in a homely comfortable environment for dad? I don't know a single dad who could walk away from ther child once they've set eyes on them.

Encouraging and simplifying a dads involvement instead of offering a take it or leave it, care centre option from the off would reap more benefits.

Single dads instantly have a bad name. This is highlighted by everyone immediately assuming the father in this scenario has run off and is in and out of the pregnancy. I may have missed that as it sounded amicable to me. And if that's the case don't jeopardise anything by flaunting your lucky position of guardian and demanding supervised visits.
 
I agree with C1978. Unless you ex has show signs of immaturity/unstableness and given you a reason to doubt his commitment and ability, then they too have a right to spend quality 1 on 1 time with the child. Babies don't come with a manual, no one is an expert, and no one should expect them to be! Maybe start gradual, an 1hr or 2 in the afternoon while you rest (in the same house) - you may be thankful for the help. Then as your confidence in his capability grows you can come to a more structured agreement x
 
I think in the same house is ok... I don't think it acceptable for a father to expect to take a child out of the mothers sight when it is so young though. Like others have said, they live with their partners and even then they still don't leave their baby!


 
Id say do what your comfortable with but if the father of my baby was in and out of my pregnancy i would be cautious.
A mother bonds with the baby over the pregnancy where its harder for the male i guess as they only bond from birth and i dnt think i know any mother who would let there baby out of their site. The father will hve to respect your wishes. hope u manage to sort something x

So accepting the fact that its harder for a male to bond with the child and only after birth, your answers regarding the original question of bonding are simply that the father will have to respect the mothers wishes?! You mention the child living with you and not letting them out f your sight as if there is only one person of importance in the child's life. We're questioning father/child bonding and you couldn't be discussing more to encourage the opposite.

It's this lack of empathy and understanding that gets me. We all have our stories and different version of events, it's why we're here. The original thread made no mention of being in and out of the pregnancy. But given your acceptance of a male not bonding until after birth can you understand why they maybe in an out? Can you understand the importance of that bonding happening right away after birth for the sake of the fathers parental instincts to kick in? How this should be encouraged ASAP in a homely comfortable environment for dad? I don't know a single dad who could walk away from ther child once they've set eyes on them.

Encouraging and simplifying a dads involvement instead of offering a take it or leave it, care centre option from the off would reap more benefits.

Single dads instantly have a bad name. This is highlighted by everyone immediately assuming the father in this scenario has run off and is in and out of the pregnancy. I may have missed that as it sounded amicable to me. And if that's the case don't jeopardise anything by flaunting your lucky position of guardian and demanding supervised visits.

I know a dad that has walked away after seeing his child, sadly that is my child father!!

I get your point totally what I'm trying to say is that it is unreasonable to want a mother to leave her child when it is so young until she is ready! Why do the courts back it up if it wasn't so important??

Like I said before I'm sorry you're going through this BUT you have to look at the bigger picture and like you said the child's needs!!!


 
If things are amicable, and you're able to be in a room together, then I don't see why he can't come round your house regularly to spenttime with the baby. You might find you'll be grateful for the chance to have a shower, catch up on laundry etc... While someone is entertaining the baby.

I agree if you're BFing then noone can take the baby for any length of time but a walk round the streets for 15 mins in the pram won't hurt and you will have a quiet house.

Its a difficult thing t do, but as a single mother, I see it as a big part of my job to make sure LO has both his parents in his life. Even though it is uncomfortable for me, and I wish I never had to see the man again, its just a part of being a parent.
 
Why is it unreasonable for a mother to leave her child? Isn't this what happens at a visitation centre? Isn't this what the courts demand? For a child to be dropped off in a cage for an hour so dad can get his token cuddles once a week?

The bigger picture IS the child. In a scenario such as THIS it is all about going out of your way with the father as it IS for the good of the child. I know how easy it must be for some men to walk away as there is just too much adversity. In attitudes and law. A change in basic attitude is ultimately what's required.

And please don't get me started on the bloody courts.....
 
I think titch talks a lot of sense here, I know women have a need to protect their young but surely no mother or father knows everything when their first baby is born. The only way they learn is through experience and if they are stopped from having that responsibility how are fathers going to learn to cope with a baby alone? How many people would slate men for not wanting to be involved? But when they want to be involved its also difficult sometimes? I don't have the answers but I think if you are on good terms at the minute hold on to that, allow him time to bond on his own even if it's between feeds and you're upstairs xx As baby grows you can discuss things in more detail but it's like punishing someone before they have done anything wrong I think by setting up contact centres x try and keep things as amicable as possible xx big hugs hope things work out xx
 

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