A bit sad but working through it

[Geordie&Bairn]

Its been building for a while now but this week its really become unbarable Me and James are having a rough patch to be honest close to braking up
Lots of factures involved our living situation him feeling guilty about it me getting to the end of my teather living here.
Hes admited he feels to stressed to have sex and i just feel unwanted and unsexy i need us to be loving as im struggling being alone and lonely with my son when hes away in Reading. I need that closesness to feel were still connected and a couple as my feeling of beng ugly have worsened.
But Ive felt lately were growing apart and all i do is get upset and we fight lots of crying screaming and quite shouting (when Collers asleep ) about the lack of sex, the lack of money, and lack of having a home.
Im sick of him living away when hes working and im sick of there still being no home for us on the horizon.
He comes home from 4 days of 12 hours shifts so his first day off he sleeps the first half of the day in Reading before coming home, and he gose back up in the afternoon of the 4th day to get ready for work the next day.So really i see him 2 and a half days 3 nights

We had long chat last night and he admitted he has felt a failure as he feels he cant provide us with a home and with the cost of living in reading council tax rent food pertrol by putting money away to save toward out own place send him into his overdraft each month.
had no idea of any of this it shows how much we dont talk i knew he was struggling with the bills in Reading but not just how bad it had got (hes dosnt spend on anything apart from the necsestiies
And that he dose still want me but hes feeling so much pessure at the moment he cant make love.
That the more i get upset at him not wanting sex he feels less like doing it and then feels he's letting me down

That as i was going through the hell of all birth it traumitsed him seeing me go through so much pain and emotional agony And how i struggled after with getting better and feels guilty about leaving me to cope alone when he's away.
And that he felt he had to stay strong for me and not give in to how scared he was
Also he worries about Collier and feels thats hes struggling as a Dad (hes a fanastic dad i couldnt ask for a better Dad for my son) And that hes letting us down hes even talked about leaving the job hes dreamt about for so long and worked so hard for to, get another job earning more (hes MOD police) I couldnt ask him to do that i know just how much he loves his job he dose get paid ok i suppose but the cost of living is leaving him with very little

James finds it hard to understand why im so down on myself he tries to be comforting and reassuring but hes getting frustrated and losing patience with my self disgust and my reaction to situations and getting angry blaming myself for everything he tells me he loves me an that im beautiful but i find it hard to belive and when he isnt up for making love i take this as he dosnt want me.

So James took the day of work (hes took about 2 days of in his whole job carer) it shows how much he wants to work at rebuilding our relationship
hes took Collier out for a walk thats why im on here
So far today has been wonderful so im hoping we'll be ok i know he loves me as much as i love him thats not in question but i think weve just forgot how communicate and be a couple
The past few days have been pure hell but i think weve talked about how we feel more then we have in along time ive explaine how i feel and hes shared things hes felt he could not share with me so this is a postive turning point

so fingers crossed things will improve

I know alot of this is my fault and i need to work just as hard to keep are realationship alive

Hope this made sense im a bit emotional at the moment but im determend to get us back on track he means the world to me hes my one and only man forever

 

[SarahH]

Awww I am sorry hun... you know I am here to chat anytime

 

[Emma58]

The first few months are really hard with a baby.

I know mine and OH's relationship has been REALLY strained and difficult to the point where I know we have both thought about calling it a day.

Communication is the key though (says she who bottles it up until she explodes )

It sounds like James is under a lot of pressure worrying about you and Collier whilst he isn't there and the stress is obviously getting him down.

I hope everything works it self out for you (I'm sure it will)

 

[Snuggle]

Aw hun, it must be very difficult when you live apart for half of every week Cant you go live with him in Reading?

 

[LisaJ1986]

Aww, bless ya. Have some of these
First of all you have absolutely nothing to worry about regarding yourself! You have no reason to feel down on yourself!
A baby can put a strain on a relationship. It tends to make a man work harder to provide for his new family! They see it as 'their job'. It wears both of you out. It'll soon get better. Stick at it. It sounds like you're not prepared to throw in the towel just yet.
There's lots of us to chat to anytime!

 

[Geordie&Bairn]

Aw hun, it must be very difficult when you live apart for half of every week Cant you go live with him in Reading?

The reason i stayed here living at his parents was to save money 2 years ago we had no savings and would have had to rent wed have no money to save (the cost of rent is shocking)

He shares with 2 other work mates so theres no room for me and Collier, and hes struggling with costs, so rents for us 2 would have been hell

He joined the MOD 2 years ago and was made to go to Reading he wa hoping to stay in Kent
His intention was after his 2 year probation hes ask to be transfered back to Kent (he couldnt leave earlier he had to do his 2 years) But its looking like there not going to give him the transfer so he was going to look to transfer to the home ofice
We cant buy a house till we know which county will take him (hes applied to al the south east counties)

Weve decided now he will stay in Reading so we can look for a house now though with his shifts its not easy
He wanted to go into the normal police but weve got to think about Collier and were i live isnt big enough for a growing boy.

 

[Babylicious]

I can't imagine how hard it is for you

 

[Snuggle]

Oh babes, I dont know what to suggest It is always difficult after having a baby but you have the added stress of living apart from your OH and the financial strain too so you are bound to go through hard times. You must keep the communication going between you both though and try to understand how each other is feeling. Big hugs sweetie

 

[mum&2girls]

aww hun i cant imagine how hard it is for you

 

[zebrastripes]

 

[kazlin]

Sarah? You mentioned the Home Office...in Croydon?

The reason I ask is because that is just down the road from me (well a tram ride away) and the estate that I live on...really nice by the way...and the one across the road...really nice also, not many Chav types hanging about (yes they do my nut in, lol) always seem to have places to rent.

Things will get sorted in the end for you hun

 

[purple13]

 

[Becky]

I'm so sorry you and James are having a hard time of it. It must be so difficult not being together as much as you would like. I agree with the others, the first year after having a baby is the hardest, but you can get through it with communication (again not our strong point) and hard work.

I hope things start to get better soon.

 

[happy-chick]

Aww hun

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

I'm sorry to hear your going through such a hard time at the moment. I don't really have any advice so have some of these
I totally understand where your coming from on the renting side of things, some places are shocking with what they ask for and it can be hard to save sometimes as estate agents ask so much and can sometimes stick a sneaky charge on for other things too. Although its hard you need to try and stay positive, things will work out for you and you both obviously love each other very much and you have a beautiful son together, nothing is more special than that.
Hope you feel better soon

 

[lfc_sarah]

Aw babe i hope it gets better for you

 

[Tadpole]

Aw hun, I'm sorry to hear this. I'm glad that you are working it through though and am sure by keeping talking to each other you will work it out. It has been a difficult time for you both. Sending you love & hugs.

 

[dannii87]

Aww Sarah

The thing is, you take on a lot of people's problems.. If someone feels down, you take that on, you're like an emotional scape goat for people and I don't know if this is true, but you've probably been used a lot before by ex boyfriends, friends etc... They probably lay their problems out, let you take on the emotions and worry for them and then they get over it while you're still worrying about them Too sweet for your own good!

Even though you and James are going through this little hitch, you're SUCH an amazing couple. The love you two have for each other is so rare. I've never heard you speak badly of him and from the sounds of it, I don't think he would of you either.

You sound really similar. Sharing problems and letting them get to you. You said that he feels guilty about how YOU feel about the housing, you feel guilty about HIM having to cover the costs of living etc etc.. Can you see where I'm going with this?! You share EVERYTHING and it can become a burden, but I bet when the relationship is good it's fucking fantastic! That sounds like the kind of relationship you have.

I saw some pics on your Facebook the other day. You and James took Collier out. You looked amazing in your colourful dress and headscarf and James looked so happy. You just looked like the perfect family. Like, when you're little and there's always that perfect family on the street and you always envy them because the kids play nicely and their Mum & Dad never have any problems (well, it seems that way on the surface?!) That's what you're like!

Anyway, Collier is EXTREMELY lucky to have you both, and you are extremely lucky to have him. That's the centre of any shit you go through, the foundations are there, the lovely foundations of your lovely little family.

I know this is JUST a little hitch and you and James will get through it. You both have so much love & respect for each other that neither of you, truly, will ALLOW it to fail. Rest assured, I bet you'll look back in 5 years time when Collier is starting school and you're in your lovely home that you've created together (possibly with another LO!) and you'll know the fight to get to where you are then, was well worth.. This will make you 100 times stronger as a couple, and as a unit for little Collier.

Sorry I dragged that out quite a bit lol!! xx

 

[purple13]

that's a great reply dannii - says it all really. lots of to you sarah xxxx

 

[jue]

Have you looked at the afforadble housing schemes that are about at the moment, as a key worker, James may be able to go into something like shared ownership, where you buy a percentage of a house, and rent the rest until you can afford to buy more percentahes of the house.

IE.....We were looking at a 4 bed new build, for sale at aprox £185,000, we could buy 25% and rent the rest of Waterloo housing which would be aprox £300 per month rent, then at a time suitable to ourselves we can buy further shares.....or not.

They run certain schemes for key workers, and do different schemes, its something you could look into and a way to get on the property ladder at a rate you could easily afford.

Google WATERLOO HOUSING they have a website that will show you the basics, even if they have nothing in the area you want there may be other schemes in the area of your choice.......another is FLEXIBUY, at the moment I think its only running in Birmingham, but the way things are going they may use this scheme in other places.

Hope all this makes sense, I am zombified through lack of sleep

Good luck