Depression?

[jenna]

Its me again
Just wanted to ask for a bit of advice about my OH.

Well hes had 2 days off work this week, he said he just 'doesnt feel like going' I explained that no one does but tuff luck and he came back today. Hes been going to bed crying and saying he isnt happy but its nothing to do with me and hes still happy about our relationship. He keep saying 'I love you' and kissing me when i were asleep (i was half asleep anyway) last night and the night before.

He sid he almost posted an advert on a website for band members but he got too scared. I know he really wants to be in a band but he said he never has time. I think its because hes scared of being away from me for some reason, he always wants to be around me and always say hes sorry he wasnt there when im on my own. Iv tried to encourage him to join this website and look for a band he could join but he always says he'll do it later.

Im starting to think hes depressed again (he sufferd from depression before i met him). I asked if he should see a doctor and he said no and started crying and shouting at me. I know his old doctor put him on medication and he started hitting his mum and had a car crash when he was on them because he wanted to kill hisself . So i can totally understand why hes not wanting to go.

If i cant get him to see a doctor and he says he doesnt know whats upsetting him what can i do? Iv tried getting him little suprises and massageing him and getting little treats to cheer him up but he just gets upset that im being nice. He seems to be getting really clingy like im going to leave him or something but nothings changed as far as i know

any ideas?

 

[Jade_Number1]

I've suffered from depression and the only thing that I found helped was talking about it and clearing my head with someone completely neutral (some of the stuff he has to say might not please you!).

Try and get some counselling- he can spill the beans on as much or as little as he wants then.

A healthy diet can also help but just laying in bed and moping about makes you a million times worse!

Good Luck!

 

[freepie]

Hi jenna...

Sorry to ehar you are going through this, depression is very hard on everyone who experiences it or is around it...

What i would say is that having someone there to talk to is so important... try not to give to much advise or push him to go to doctors etc, he may feel like you are pushing him and clam up... some really simple advice is the following...

try to cut down any alchol intake, eat good fresh meals, get good nights slepp... perhaps this weekend go out for a walk or do something a bit different...

i know all this info sounds so silly and obvious, but it really does help a lot... and if you oh wont post a message about a band,then could you not do it for him and see if there are any responses from people??

xxxx

 

[jenna]

thanks for the advice. Hes been a bit better this dinner time. I didnt think of this before but it could be that hes recently joined the same gym as me. The only people that go in the little gym is over weight people or old men, he might see them as some sort of competition? Hes become obsest with his upper body and says he has massive jugs (which he doesnt). Iv told him a million times he looks great but i know how it feels to hate your looks and no ones opinions changes the way you feel.

I feel so helpless, i want to help him but i feel like his mother or something when i ask whats wrong. I hate seeing him so upset but he doesnt know whats up. He said he'd tell me if he knew but i dont think he would and im not going to push him to tell me, he needs to talk to some one else. He wanted to go and spend a week end with his dad but said he felt guilty leaving me on my own. But id love to spend some time with my family aswell and have a girly night in or something but he just cried like i were abandoning him!

It just seems like an endless circle really.

 

[poppy160]

Aww Like Midna said you're doing the right thing by being there for him and showing you care, but to be honest, from experience, if it is depression then he can only be helped if he wants to be helped. As I said in another post my brother suffered from depression and dealt with it by sleeping all day, being on the computer all night and chain smoking. Nothing my Mum or I said made any difference and in the end he realised he needed help. All we could do was be there for him and show him we cared, like you're doing with your DH.

 

[NIE]

I really think you need some hugs.

I've suffered from depression myself and have witnessed close family members go through it too. It is so difficult to know the right thing to do as each person is different and have had different experiences with medication and counseling.

It sounds to me that he may be suffering from anxiety as well as possible depression.

I really don't know the best thing to suggest, but look after yourself as it is very stressful being in your position and watching someone you care about be so upset. xxx

 

[Squiglet]

Probably everything is getting to him right now.

He wasn't on the medication Seroxat/Paroxatine before was he? I was put on that drug and it has some nasty side effects such as violence, self harm etc, not for everyone, but for some...

You won't convince him to start taking drugs again. I weaned myself onto St. Johns Wort...and as he's not a she.... he will be alright with taking that... see how he responds to the "natural" suggestion.

When I'm depressed, I really just need to have someone cuddle me a lot... be there around me... Not necessarily talking and giving advice... just to be there.

He probably won't discuss things with you, I won't with my DH if I know it will upset him or that it might. It's the bottling up that makes it bad... but it can't be helped... He just needs to sort it out in his head.. clear the black cloud and having someone just there, often does that for me.

If he has issues about how he looks, all the words in world won't make him see the difference. He will always be ugly and fat no matter what you say... and when my DH says I look beautiful... I just get irritated because I "know" that's not true... But just being loved and desired by someone, makes me feel special... If you show him you still find him sexy as hell... and you just want to touch him and be physically close to him, that will make him feel better about himself.

Doing nice little things for him... as you've been doing is just the right thing. He's not got issues with you... He's got issues with himself and he's trying to deal with it.

At the moment you are his rock... As long as he remains around you, he feels good about himself. If you go some where and he's not with you he feels lost and lonely. That's why he won't go anywhere, and cries when you do. He does need to get out on his own (lol... Im giving this advice but I don't follow it... ) Know that he's safe being away from you and still important.

Just be there at the sidelines, when he comes in... Let him know you love him... And just so you know.. Know that your DH loves you just as much...that makes you a very special person. I think my husband is wonderful, because he is doing all this for me with patience and care... I cannot express how much I love him for it... Your DH can't either, but he does love you.

 

[jenna]

Thanks.
Squiglet that makes perfect sence.
He doesnt like me touching him, not any more anyway. He cant stand me touching his chest or arms anymore. Last night i laid next to him with my head on his chest and he just wiggled around till i moved

Im not sure what medication he was on before but it made him a different person. Some times it was some one he wanted to be (confident, happy) and some times some one he hated (angry, aggressive) i know he would never forgive hisself if he hit me and thats what hes scared of.

Hes so lovely aswell, he doesnt deserve all the rubbish hes had to put up with that hes never really dealt with It just upsets both of us no matter what i say because i cant seem to say anything nice without him getting upset, so i get upset aswell then he gets worse because hes upset me. Where a right pair.

 

[floppit]

I guess you know it's serious stuff? And I'm with all the above in that you're doing all you can for him but what about you?

How do you deal with it, with what you feel about it and how it effects you? Have you got a good support network? Are theere people you can talk to about it face to face?

I know this might sound dumb but it could be worth telling your GP what's happening and asking them if they know where you could get some support from. If your fella asks why you can be straight and say because you have to stay healthy for all of you - sometimes taking the lead can be really powerful.

Just be careful not to take it all on your shoulders - it sounds really very hard to deal with.

 

[Redshoes]

Just wanted to send some
Some people from difficult pasts find it hard to be loved, they fight it and shy away from it, I think your lovely DH has the best thing going for him having you at his side, and I wish you all the very best for the future, I think if he could put more free time into his loves, music, or the gym, it might help him focus on the pleasure around him instead of what he perceives as pain
Very best wishes

 

[heles7]

excercise definitely has a postive effect at warding off my depression. I can really feel the difference when I've skived off for a week or two. I know they work for some people but I can't help but thinking that medication is not a long term solution; it's just holding something at bay at the moment you stop, you're back at square one.

Other than prescribe there isn'c much your dr can do so I'd encourage your fella to go to the gym or if that isn't working for him, why don't you suggest a long walk somewhere? Then you have the added benefit of the sunlight topping up his seratonin levels.