18 year old mother and babies dad wants nothing to do with her, should I push it?

[Avaharney]

Hi
I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with a little girl. I fell pregnant at 17 a month before my birthday but didn't find out until I had turned 18. The father is 23 and we conceived her from nothing for than I guess, a fling. We had sex twice, I really liked him but his communication with me stopped so I guess I accepted it for what it was. I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks and when I told him I was pregnant he just put "ok" I asked him what I was supposed to do and he told me not to keep it. I understood why he said this and I agreed however I just couldn't do it after I saw that heartbeat. I told him I would up until about 10 weeks gone and then I had to come clean, I told him that I was keeping her because I couldn't do it. He became very horrible towards me all of a sudden, told me to kill myself and the baby called me various names and would just laugh at me down the phone saying how "the thing I had wouldn't have anything to do with him"

So I persisted on talking to him, I guess because hes the only one out of anyone who knows about the pregnancy and I wanted someone to be there for me. He gradually got nicer and more factual rather than immature. He told me he didn't want this baby. I said I know he doesn't but its not fair on our daughter to be without her father. He said that he went without his father all of his life because he cheated on his mum when she was pregnant with him, he told me when he questioned his mum why she didn't try to make him be involved and she said "because my priority was to make sure you where ok not him" he then went on to say that my priority as a mother should be the baby and not wether she has a father or not! I just want my little girl to have 2 sides of her family, I was brought up without my mum or dad and I lived with my nan and all I ever knew was my nan grandad older sister and auntie and cosions on my nans side. I get jelous of people with a complete happy family and and I dont want my baby to feel like that. If he is not involved the only family my daughter will have is my older sister my aunt and 2 of my cosions, I don't even have much to do with them as I have to be quite independent since my nan and grandad died and have had to move in to my own shared accommodation.

He keeps reiterating how he doesn't care about me or this baby. He said he may change his mind as he don't know how he will feel when the baby is here but its MOST LIKELY he still won't care. He is so immature, all he could talk about on this conversation about something serious was how he wanted to go off the phone now because he was "horny" he never takes anything seriously then persisted to wind me up by saying he had asked girls in my area about me and they told him i was a "slut" he then later admitted he was joking to try and wind me up.

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I am debating whether to contact his sister on facebook and tell her of the situation but i don't know how she will react or if she will get angry and try and protect her brother. He has said he wants a dna test after the baby is born, the baby is for sure his but I agreed because i can understand why he would want one as we were not together. He has said if i did tell his family he wont take one so he there will be no chance of him getting involved but i know he wont anyway.

He blocked me while texting the other day just because I told him to sort his life out and he was immature and we haven't spoken since. I know if i contact his family then he will probably never talk to me again but i feel like doing it out of the hope they can persuade him or if not atleast themselves be involved. I don't know if its wise? I just feel so alone in this pregnancy, I have had to hold of uni as I can't move away anymore and the uni here won't accept me. I work part time as was still in school and when im not at work i just stay inside crying. None of my friends agree with my choice and i feel so alone but should i just leave it?

 

[mummyofdragons]

It's against forum rules to discuss termination. My best friend ended up in a similar situation to you, although her lad's dad and her were both older. Just goes to show some blokes are idiots regardless of how old they are! She wasted three years of stress and tears trying to get him to be a part of her son's life, before realising he was never going to change and then she cut ties with him.

He has made his feelings on the matter clear. All going to his family will do is cause more upset, as chances are they will side with him. Focus on your baby. Eventually when your child asks about their father they will find out what kind of man he really is.

 

[Tiffanyg]

I think you should tell him family personally. If his mother went through the same she might understand. I understand how you feel and I know you probably feel very alone but your baby is the person that is going to have to deal with it in the future, she would rather have a mother who loves and cares about her than a mother who is upset and sad because the babies father isn't involved. I would tell his sister if I was you and if she is nasty or doesn't care then just forget it because they will be the ones coming to you when you have the baby, you never know she may be ok and supportive of you and the situation. Have you considered waiting until the baby is born before messaging anyone? It will seem a lot more real to him, and if it doesn't it will to his family rather than a random girl saying she's pregnant by her brother.

 

[1moreinthenest]

I would contact his mother if i were u. Hes clearly very immature and it seems theres no point in expecting him to be involved in the way u want as hes just not got it in him. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. His mother may be just he person to make him do that! I wouldnt care if he says he will never speak to u again, he will have to and things will be different once the babys here anyway. Dont be threatened by him. He needs to step up now and support u if not with help when the baby comes then with money. Im sure his mother will want to be involved after shes got over the shock, u could need her and who knows, u may get a relationship with her yourself which will help when u need a break from the baby. Dont try and do this on your own, its not all down to u. Do u live in shared housing now? U can get on housing list and be housed with baby now. Most prob, where abouts do u live? X

 

[Avaharney]

I would contact his mother if i were u. Hes clearly very immature and it seems theres no point in expecting him to be involved in the way u want as hes just not got it in him. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. His mother may be just he person to make him do that! I wouldnt care if he says he will never speak to u again, he will have to and things will be different once the babys here anyway. Dont be threatened by him. He needs to step up now and support u if not with help when the baby comes then with money. Im sure his mother will want to be involved after shes got over the shock, u could need her and who knows, u may get a relationship with her yourself which will help when u need a break from the baby. Dont try and do this on your own, its not all down to u. Do u live in shared housing now? U can get on housing list and be housed with baby now. Most prob, where abouts do u live? X

I'm thinking of that but he lives in london I live in poole dorset so about 3 hours drive and no one I know knows him so won't be that simple. His mum doesn't have facebook but his sister does she is 28 and has her own baby so I'm hoping she will be mature about it and contact his mum for me rather than getting annoyed about it. At the moment I'm living in shared accommodation for teenagers typically 16-24 people that have been kicked out or had to leave home and are either unemployed or in full time education therefore unable to pay private rent. I moved here at 17 because my aunties house was far too crowded. I was due to go to uni and unless I can get in to a local one of one a drivable distance in ucas clearing then it doesn't seem logical. I work part time but was going to quit when I started uni if I get in then I will get housing benefit for a private while at uni if not I'm no idea what to do as il have no qualifications a baby and no where to live (babys aren't allowed to live here)

 

[1moreinthenest]

Try the sister then, i would. Did u ever have a social worker? Sometimes you can get help from the leaving care team even if you havent been in care because of your age. Your district council should have duty to house you under priority status as youre expecting a baby, not sure what the deal is up that way but check it out. You will be entitled to the surestart maternity grant (£500) and healthy living food vouchers. Also free formula after babys born if they still do that.....do the people know that youre pregnant where u live? Can they help to re-house you? They should be able to help you get assessed for council housing. You will get housing benefit anywayand be able to do uni as you will be a single mum (you dont lose benefit to study). Perhaps you can start a course until youve had the baby then take a year out and go back and finish the course, sometimes they allow that. You may find some courses in your area with a creche so you can study and have childcare on site. Must be feeling pretty unsettled at the moment! Everything will fall into place, just make sure you are looking after yourself and not just the baby. X

Sorry if im telling u things you know, ive worked with young people in social care for 10 yrs so i know a bit about options for you!

 

[Avaharney]

I was never put in to care and haven't been through social services so don't know if that means my rights are different? I don't know my dad and my mum cared for me until I was one but she basically didn't want me and wasn't coping and my grandparents on her side adopted me. No one knows I'm pregnant yet as I've just come to my decision and didn't want to tell anyone till I had. I'm hoping I can cope with uni while having a baby, in terms of child care my auntie has said she will help out on lecture days etc so that's not really an issue with me just more concerned on the financial side of things. I drive and have a nice car what I saved up for for ages and possibly being a bit selfish but I'm worried in won't be able to afford all the things I can now let alone feed and clothe a baby and pay bills and don't know about any benefits. I feel as though it's better than me being a stay at home mum or getting a job though as I may have less money for now but in the future il be more financially stable and be able to provide a better life for my child

 

[tinselcat]

Hi, I see you are based in the UK, with little family support/income and are 16 weeks along.

I am curious, at which scan did you find out it was a girl?

 

[Avaharney]

I'm 17 weeks tomorrow and I had a scan at epu due to bleeding and they told me it was a girl there and then

 

[1moreinthenest]

As youve been adopted out it prob changes things, just a thought, as i know care teams can support up to age 21.
Its good youve got your auntie on side. You will manage financially, it seems like a mountain but you will get through it, sounds like youve got some good plans. Theres plenty of benefit you can get including child benefit and tax credits also grants for uni depending on what level you study at, not sure how they interact with benefit, something to check out. I would defo apply for housing list though council tho as you should get priority because you are expecting but you may find that they wont process your application until you become homeless, this will mean temporary housing in a family hostel for a few months until you are offered a flat. These places are generally much nicer than general hostels with lots of support. X

 

[Mackmummy]

Do you really want someone that immature and nasty to be anywhere near your daughter? I wouldn't. Better off without him while he is such a child, you can't force it and I wouldn't want such a negative influence around my baby. Tell his mum etc and give them the choice of being involved but you can't force it with him I'd leave it, if he comes round later then see how things pan out but for know don't waste your energy thinking about him concentrate on you and baby.

 

[Lyllian]

I totally agree with Mackmummy. Concentrate on you. I think you might have to accept that youre choosing to have the baby and the choice by his stage is out of his hands. Hes made his feelings quite clear, I would concentrate on sorting thing for you and your baby and not waste any effort on him. Best of luck hun x