young parents...do you think its right to judge?

[elisesmum]

I am only 20 will be 21 in over a week, i work so does my partner we have a stable home, i had my first at 17 and was judged quite alot which i expected as i had just come out of school and hadnt got a stable house or relationship, anyhow we went to our hypnobirthing session yesterday and was with a couple that was in there fourties, i kept yawning as i had been at work a til 2 in the morning and my teacher said bless laura she has been at work all night and look suprised i worked, then the man look at my partner and said what do you do then, so he replied that he was at this private school, his eyebrows and face looked to say thats who's paying for the child ( meaning he thought my oh's parents were well off and would be paying) he then made him feel small by saying so what courses are you studying there, so he said i dont go their i work their, this man made it very obvious that he was suprised and had a look that said well thats a huge shock, i then think he thought what a guy so young could be working as at a private school, he quickly asked what my partner did and when he said i.t tec i thought this guy was going to faint with shock!! He did then appologise saying im sorry i have misinterpted the whole situation here, too right you have, what because where younger you have to judge, no one should be judged, was i over reacting by feeling offended by this man xx

 

[elisesmum]

I didnt mean the title to sound nasty like it does, think i should of word it abit better xx

 

[Sarah7]

People should mind their own business really, it's nothing to do with them what your circumstances are and they absolutely have no right to make assumptions and judge. They'll think they're being responsible parents and taking classes forgetting that you're doing the exact same thing!
I'm 24 and I'm out of work so I'm sure I'd be far more judged by that man. Age means absolutely nothing!
Ignore people like that if you can, but I think you were right to be a bit offended, but just let it wash over you, they are the people with the problem, not you!

 

[elisesmum]

Thanks sarah glad to know someone thinks im not just being hormonal, i just hate the fact that some people look at us from the outside world and think we great canidates for jeremy kyle before they even met us, i dont think its right to judge most people whether there young or old, working or not working, how does that affect how they parent in most cases it doesnt, you would think that these days people would learn that they should never judge a book by it cover, people who look down there noses make me mad lol xx

 

[willowwisp]

The problem is that everyone matures at different rates, and it's human to make assumptions. I'm not saying that's right though. I wasn't ready to have my first child 3 years ago aged 26, so at your age I personally would never have coped. That's not a reflection on you, that's a reflection on me, and who I am. Just because I wouldn't have managed doesn't mean that I think you won't, because you quite clearly already have!

People relate back to who they were at stages of their lives, and they will judge you by who they were in that space. Although that's technically wrong, and it's particularly uncomfortable when people voice such judgements, I would take it as a bit of flattery that you and OH have clearly achieved more than I, or that couple at your group, had at your age, you have the maturity and intelligence to pull it off where as I/they didn't.

 

[Jayjay027]

You and ur partner are obviously responsible enough, and its really nothing to do with any1 else!

I must admit I do judge those fools on jeremy kyle that are there for a dna test or a lie detector test and their relationship is in bits and yet they're trying for a baby.
I also judge any1 who has a baby simply to try to get benefits (no matter what age they are) and those silly women who have a baby to try and hang on to a man or trap him.

I don't judge any1 who has a baby at 16/17 etc as long as they can provide emotionally and financially for the baby.

I would have hated to have had a baby that young, not because I couldn't have coped, but because I was too selfish and too busy partying lol. But as I said, as long as u love and care for ur baby, screw what any1 else thinks! X


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[Karate Kid]

My husband and I have really battled with this issue. I am 24 and he is 28, we are both accountants. I have had things like 'your so young, don't you think you are wasting your life and all your hard work towards your qualification?' from ladies at work. My husband has had 'Surely a family will get in the way of career progression' from so called 'friends'. None of our friends that are our age want to have children for a long while and a lot of them think we will miss out on holidays and getting a bigger house (well mortgage!). But I have older friends who have babies and they couldn't be more in love with there role in life.

I have had to bite my tounge quite a few times and most of the time I am to shocked to say anything because I would never pass judgement on somebody else's decsions. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, we are in a stable environment and my husband and I care for eachother very much. My parents had nothing when they first got married and they waited to have children and it didn't happen so they adopted me.... my mum always said 'don't wait to have children because of any other reason than you do not feel ready'.

I think you have a right to feel annoyed at the guys reaction but hun, to be frank as long as you and your partner are happy screw the rest of them. Age is a number and you clearly are doing all you can for your family. I think some but not all of the time the negativity stems from jealousy. xx

 

[elisesmum]

I know its human nature to judge, but i just felt like he was just looking his nose down at us more than anything because he was a teacher and i think his wife was which they have probably worked so hard to do and should be proud but is that any right to look down on other people and he looked as if he thought he was better than us just because he had a good job and didnt think me or my partner would come close to working as hard and they had to point out before speaking to us that their eldest was a good teenager and predicted all a's at school, it just felt like we was put down in some category that younger people cant be good parents, i could just feel the difference between when some one judges because of their young years and thinking i couldnt achieve that at that age to a person that just looks down on you thinking well there not as good parents as us because i have a good job and a good life if you know what i mean xx

 

[SarahCarps2be]

I agree with all the other ladies on here.
I think older people are stuck in their old fashioned ways.

I'm 22, coming on 23, and I'm like 18 weeks and my bumps quite noticeable now, and I mean JESUS I walk down the road with my OH, whos 23 also, works for the Prison Service, so he has a good job etc, and they look at us like poo. And look at me up and down as if they've never seen a young lady pregnant before!

DOES MY HEAD IN!
I almost wish they would ask or say something ya know!?

I obviously don't know how you feel as I haven't been put in that situation you have but I hate it when people judge girls for being a young mum. I think it just shows that younger girls are becoming more responsible now (If they've had the babies for the right reasons, not like these Jeremy Kyle girls trapping men etc. ).

So long as we love and can provide for our babies and give them the best in life, I don't see what the problem is!!!

xxx

 

[elisesmum]

I admit i do judge those too on jeremy kyle jayjay but on there you get a picture of there life first and they wouldnt go on there unless there relationship is seriously messed up and im not a fan of women who have babys to keep their men, as that poor child is being brought into the world for all the wrong reasons xx

I know what you mean by the career comments karate kid, i am hoping to become a midwife soon and people think me having this baby is just making me put my career on hold but having a child is the best feeling ever and is worth another year wait in my eyes xx


I think the only reason i got so mad over it as i didnt expect to be judged as much as i have been because im a very mature 20 year old and its not like 4 years ago when i had my daughter when i was a "child" as they put it having another child, i have worked hard i use to work with pregnant women from every situation supporting them (i was a doula) so i think i have had to learn not to judge a book by its cover xx

 

[maybe baby]

It's not nice but you have to rise above it and ignore them.

xx

 

[CARNAT22]

I couldn't have done it so young!! In fact it was only with my current OH that I even contemplated having kids - I was 27 when I met OH

However my sister had her first at 19 and her second at 22.. Her and her OH have been together since they were 15/16. He works, they rent a small flat (they are saivng for abigger place), my sister is a full time Mum but will continue her triaining as a childminder once the youngest is a little bit older.

They are wonderful parents, save hard for things they want (they all went on holiday last year!) and they never begrudge their children. My sister has left the eldest overnight once and he is 4 in September.

Everyone is different and I know for a fact age is not an overriding factor in what kind of parent you make. To be a good parent you need patience, kindness, a sense of humour, a sense of selflessness - you can have these attributes at any age!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[elisesmum]

Its the same with me sarahcarps2be walking down the street with a four year old and a bump and its like im an alien from out of space, i think some people do it with older mums too if there pregnant thinking there too old but i dont think some people realise that it doesnt matter how old you are you still can be a good parent xx

 

[elisesmum]

I don't feel young tho carnat lol going grey already, i really do agree with you i think it more of a question of when your ready rather than what age you are xx

 

[SarahCarps2be]

Its the same with me sarahcarps2be walking down the street with a four year old and a bump and its like im an alien from out of space, i think some people do it with older mums too if there pregnant thinking there too old but i dont think some people realise that it doesnt matter how old you are you still can be a good parent xx

Well said chick.

Just keep that in mind when people look at you funny, you'll be the best mum you can possibly be, let them crack on and waste their time judging!

 

[saralou5]

I get this alot. I've just turned 21 and my OH is 24. But if people don't ask and just judge they won't know that I'm en route for a degree and work part-time and my OH works full time. They presume that we MUST be on benefits or something. Wrongo. You're absolutely right though, it's not about how old you are it's about being the best mum to your baby . Age doesn't matter. My friend is 19 and has 2 little boys and she's a fantastic mum.
People can keep their smelly noses out of my business .

 

[jrm06]

I'm 20 too and 20 weeks! I really wouldn't worry what other people think, I get this sometimes too and just shrug it off, as long as you are happy then who cares!
All a baby needs is love, doesn't matter how old you are, how much money you have, all that matters is you are happy!

xxx

 

[frankie247]

I'm 25, granted I look young for my age but I've had people stare at me and give me disapproving looks - even had a woman come up to me whilst I was in the supermarket queue and tell me that it was such a waste I was pregnant as I'm so young. I just laughed and turned around but it upset me and has made me more paranoid of what other people think. I'm not particularly young, Ive been married for 2 years, I have a degree in law my husband is a senior IT executive and is 30 - where do random people get off on judging everyone else. I got so paranoid when my wedding rings no longer fitted - I made hubby go and buy me a replacement!

 

[cosmicgirl]

It's not nice to be judged or to judge, but people do and thats human nature - end of. I judge teen mums now and I was one myself!! I had my first at 18 but I have always worked (even through uni) and never claimed benefits etc).
I was judged as a teen mum but then I do agree that I was far too young, naive and had no life experiences. I've missed out on a lot and feel slightly saddened when I see teen mums as I know that they dont realise what they will miss out on, I didnt either. Life is hard enough when you are young, and I learnt the hard way that throwing a baby into the mix makes everything 1000 times harder. xx

 

[netty]

ooo people love to judge dont they i was 13 when my bro was born andused to take him out all the time and people would tut at me and stare as they assumed he was mine lol