Why does he act like this ???

[Marianne]

I am having my first baby, due in february 2011. We found out we are pregnant in May after me being told since I was 15/16 yrs old that I will need help trying to conceive/IF I can coneive atall basically. So my mind was set to " i cant have a family" since I was young. Anyway, I was trying to hide my excitement of being pregnant when I showed my OH the tests I had taken as I didnt know exactly how he was going to react as we werent exactly ready for a baby in a sense. I showed him the tests trying not to smile too much,etc and just watched him like a hawk to see his expression,etc. He had a smile that lit up his whole face, from ear to ear and grabbed me and cuddled me. I asked him if he was truly happy and not just pretending and he said he was really happy,etc. Anyway, I 'll get to the point, he doesnt get excited about anything to do with the baby, if i ask him to look at clothes, he just shrugs and says nice and looks swiftly away, same with if i see a nice toy,etc, he just says nice without even looking.

Today we bought the paint to do the nursery (after me having to ask about a million times over the weeks for him to come with me and look for paint), he wasnt even happy about being there to pick paint, all he kept going on about was things HE wants !!! We got home and I got the testers out, and asked him to do them on the wall for me, as I handed him the little tub, i accidently got paint on his finger, and he just spoke to me like i was a piece of shit !!!! I walked out the room and he said "u not wanting to see it now, no" and I said "no i dont, uve ruined it as usual" and he said "good suits me" !!!!!!!!!

I had to go, hide in the bathroom, balling my eyes out, then I came downstairs and he could obviously see i had been crying and said "what u cryin for" !!!!! I mean, wtf ????

Is it me, or does he just not give a fuck ????

He has two other daughters of his own with his ex, im wondering if this baby is just nothing to him !!!

 

[Skysara]

He sounds like a thoughtless git, sorry!

 

[amyjayne77]

I'm not surprised you're upset! I hope he's apologised by now.

I know some men find it hard to show their excitement at baby stuff, my dh included, but he'd never speak to me like that

((hugs))

 

[Piglet10]

i think he was rude bout the paint BUT im gonna play devils advocate here lol.... when ever did a man care bout what colour we paint walls and what clothes we choose?! like i think its just not in most of them , they just dont generally get excited like we do?? i think because its happening to us and alll we dooo is talk bout babies etc for a whole 9 months i genuinely think they dont care less than us about the baby they just dont care bout clothes or decor etc.... am i making sense? xx

 

[Marianne]

Yeah I guess you are right in a sense but even my father went out every single time with my mum to get baby clothes and picked clothes out for us off his own back without a hassle, same with painting the nursery etc for my mum, he done it without a question and he was the one who said to her about going for things before she had time to mention it! Same with my sister and her partner, my sister is pregnant at the moment too (4 days behind me) and her OH does EVERYTHING for her, and I mean everything, my sister isnt allowed to run a bath for herself, that's how her OH feel's, that she is doing the hard bit and spoils her rotten, the two of them get so excited about the baby and baby clothes/toys/nursery,etc. It's so hard for me to watch and listen but I cant show that it's hurting me because I feel like i'm being silly and my OH is right for the way he goes on about things. Even my mum has pointed it out a few times to me and it comes across to her like he doesnt care much but he says he does (though i feel its just empty words most of the time). I go out shopping with my mum and look at baby stuff and the two of us get excited and laugh n smile and i say to her "cant wait to take this home to show him" (forgetting what he's like or rather just hoping he'll actually get excited this time) and I get home, bring the stuff out all smiles and really excited and all i get is "yeah its nice" without even a smile !!!

So after that happened last night, i lay on my bed for a couple of hours while he was downstairs, and I text his phone saying "why cant u get excited about our baby and getting our baby clothes,etc? I understand that you have two kids already and it might not be as exciting for you, but I dont, this is my first and its a miracle to me after being told I probably wont be able to have a family. You are taking all the excitement away from me, I get happy when I see baby stuff when i'm out with you and try and point things out and you just walk away/shrug or done even look n say its nice and keep walking! I just wish you would even just pretend for a while that you're excited about things just to let me have a day where i'm actually able to stay happy and excited and not have my heart crushed with your facial expressions and my smile wiped off my face with your lack of excitement. You are really hurting me and you dont realise you are doing it or you do realise and you just dont give a shit"

He didnt reply, but started to paint nursery today and asked if I would like to help because he doesnt want me getting upset because he hasnt asked me if I want to be involved in painting our nursery. So I dont know what to think

I'm really hurting inside though, only time I feel excited about being pregnant and having a baby is when i'm with my mum and its wrong, it should be when i'm with my OH

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[Piglet10]

maybe you need to talk to his face as you cant even understand his lack of response? cos its hard to know whether it was him embarrassed add eciding to change or him not wanting a row or him not caring.... at the end of the day things will get a lot tougher when baby gets here and you need to know 110% he's in it for the long haul.... talk to him chick ... maybe you just need a reallllly good heart to heart xxx

 

[Marianne]

He keeps saying he's over the moon about us having a baby but doesnt get excited about baby clothes,etc and that he'll start showing it more nearer the time the baby is due, but I just think that if he really is excited and over the moon then why isnt/cant he be excited now ? It's so confusing. We walk by mothercare,etc and i'll say that would be nice, dont you think and he'll just say yes and then see a wee girls thing and say, that would be nice for mollie/billie (his other two little girls). Its like our baby isnt anything, all he thinks about his his two little girls that he already has, and i'm glad he does think about them,etc but it would be nice for once if he started to think about what we need to get for our baby.

Honestly, he's more interested in his fish tanks, dogs and puppies than his own baby !!!

I cant understand him, I mean, he's not a silly wee boy, he's 28 yrs old. He's a man !

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[purplehippy]

I can sympathise.

Situation not identical - we both have a child each from our orevious relaqtionships (my daughter is 3, his son is 9 today).

My OH has problems - a fiery hot temper, he was a spoilt only child who inherited pre-moving out, so he's never had to know the meaning of scrimping, and his last remaining parent died slowly and painfully this year. So you can understand he'd not be perfect.

But he can say and do such incredibly nasty, childish and unsupportive things. He did make me laugh when we were actually having a session of hows yer dad, and he started talking to the baby, which not that I've told him, but really put me off! But mostly he doesn't talk baby and has been wanting to keep the baby spending on hold for a looooong time (well I've picked up a few things so I can start tie-dyeing things for the baby and such). I said to him yesterday after we came clean to his son's mum, that I want him to be more involved in my pregnancy because whilst its a lot of waiting for him, its happening to me every second of every day.

I'm not thinking much will change but its important I let him know how I feel and why, and without it sounding like I'm whinging. I don't know if this helps you at all - he knows he doesn't deserve me - but men will be men and re yours being 28, mine is a young looking 42! They never grow up

 

[flexilexi394]

hello

I can sympathise too, because my OH is pretty similar in his lack of interest/excitement. This is first baby for both of us, and we are engaged and stuff, so i thought he would be really happy, but it just doesnt show yet. we didnt try and concieve or anything, it was a mere "accident" but i am over the moon.
When i first found out i was pregnant he paniked straight away about money, which is natural, as he always panics about money. so i think it made me almost hide my pregnancy from him for a while, as i didnt want to bother him or upset him or get him more stressed (he had only just started his own business so i didnt want baby to be a burden).
One day i snapped and cried and cried because he hadnt said anything, his answer to everything was "we have ages yet, so dont need to worry about anything" which annoyed me as i wanted to buy our first outfit. He just didnt care.
So he took me shopping one saturday morning, and i took a step back, so when we went in baby section in primark, i let him chose, and he chose a lovely 6 piece set, as a coming home outfit for our baby from hospital.

But, that was the only thing hes been remotely interested in. I took note out of a book i was reading to pack the hospital bag together, so i began doing it and hes never looked so bored! really pissed me off as hes going to have to know whats in there as well as me! its for his baby after all. wish he would have paid more attention, but again, no luck there.

Im now 34 weeks, and hes ONLY JUST started to show any interest. like he rubs my tummy now and likes to watch her move. and in the night, he puts his hand on her and rubs her and i almost cry with relief when he does it. as he hasnt shown any interest whatsoever before. the other night we even put the cot up together which was cute and nice

sorry about the lengthly post, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

Lisa is right too, not a lot of men bother showing any interest at all anyway, I know one that has been so excited from the beginning, they have their baby now and he is so cute to watch, he loves doing all of it. but i have had no such luck!

I am interested to see what hes like at the birth if im honest, see how he responds to her, if he wants to hold her, i want him to hold her first but he says he doesnt want that, but we shall see. maybe they will change when they are born....who knows x

 

[Marianne]

No chance of him changing I dont think. Here's another example, I sit in the house 24/7 7 days a week unless my mum or sister come and get me to go do something if they are off work. I run about after 8 puppies everyday all day (when I shouldnt be) while he's at college, I do all housework and washings and he'll come home and make our dinner, but it's me whose to do all those dishes too and clean the kitchen again. He'll ask me to make him coffee's/Tea's too when i'm knackered after doing everything but it's like he doesnt care. One of his pals in his college class is 18 today and has asked them all to go for a few drinks after college, he said to me about him going and I said we dont have the money, we still have loads to buy for baby coming, to sort the house out,etc and he went nuts saying I dont want him to have a life and it's all because i'm insecure,the real reason is I dont want him to go out because i think he'll try and find another girl !!! I mean, if i felt like that, then the case would be he could find another girl at college, never mind when/if he goes out to a pub !!

He just cant get it through his head there are more important things than going out for a drink for a boys 18th birthday, buying things to get his fish tanks set up, etc!!

I mean i'm sitting in, like a skank all the time, without a haircut (i've not had it cut for months, bcos I dont want to us the money on me but on the baby), without my eyebrows getting done, without any new clothes,etc but he just got a new set of clothes (that werent cheap), all his xmas is bought (mine isnt yet) and he wants to use the money to go out for a few drinks!!!

Am I being unreasonable here ???? I never get anything, I dont ask for anything apart from to get stuff for our baby and at that, most of the time I get "we have weeks yet, we dont need to get it the now" and he'll go and get his hair cut,etc.

He's killing me x

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[isobel84]

i would say he will prob change my oh could say very stupid things n wasnt over the moon with excitement, but his reason was that he was shittin himself he was so scared.
but when our son was born, n he held him first, - the love was lighting up the whole room, i have never seen him so proud n full of love. he was the one bonding with noa first, me- that had been excited n so looking forward for him to come.. i didnt feel it.
so wait to baby is here, if he dont get excited then, well then you got your answer

 

[purplehippy]

Re your last post on his behaviour, he sounds more like a 17 year old than a 28 (think that's what you said) year old. I'd love to say he'll change, hey - he might. But you might also have to live with sitting in the sort of boat I'm sitting in.

Re the money for the baby, rather than use it for the baby now, put it away somewhere and keep adding to it. You'll know its there. Also, sign up to your local freecycle, my neighbour did this for me and my ex when pregnant with DD1 and that's where the cot came from. Don't be put off by seconds because it sounds like you need the money for other things - bills and food comes to mind, I've been there. Also, does he have a job as well as college? If so, you may be eligible for tax credits. Check at your benefits office. There are also grants available at however many weeks gestation.

I was going to write a lot more but the boys are home - I'll pop in again

 

[Marianne]

Well, he's away out for drinks for his college friends birthday. Tried to say "after tonight we can do everything you want from now on"

He just doesnt get it, it's not that i'm on about, I want my baby and myself to come first before anything else and its also the fact of the money, he'd rather spend it on clothes for him, his hair cuts, his fish tanks, etc!!

I've done nothing but sit and cry all day and since he left to go out at 5.30pm tonight. I really dont know what to do. I'm wondering if he treated his ex like this (he has two daughters to her)

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[flexilexi394]

Aw hope you're ok please don't cry. I hope I don't sound out of order and I appologise if I've got this all wrong, but I think men find it hard to understand. Especially as you know he likes to spend money on himself, he may find it hard to get that he has others to provide for.
Maybe letting yourself go a little bit with the spending thing? I am in such a rubbish financial situation, but I try so hard to make sure I have some money for myself even if only a few pounds. Look out for mobile hairdressers, that's what mine is and she's £15 a cut. Better than salon prices! Just try and put money away for baby and try not to stress about it too much, because your life doesn't have to stop because of a baby. That's what I remind myself.
Your partner may feel a little under pressure to stay in all the time to be with you and baby, why don't you go out with him and stuff? Go out for a meal, which doesn't have to be expensive. I think you'll have to let him have time with his friends as he needs a social life as much as you do! Do you have friends close by you can spend time with?
Hope I make sense, I say all this because I felt exactly the same, my OH likes to go our with friends a lot, so I allow this as when the baby is here, he won't be able to do much of this for a while. X

 

[Marianne]

That's the thing though, I dont mind him going out with his friends atall BUT I do mind when we just dont have the money for it when we still need a lot of things for the baby arriving.

It would be nice for m and him to go out together but he never thinks or asks about it, all he wants to do is spend money on what he wants. I mentioned last week we should go to cinema or something together as we never do anything and he said to me " i'm taking you out for a meal" , i was so happy and thought how nice and thought he'd go somewhere I would like to go, but NO , we ended up going to somewhere HE wanted to go !

This is what I mean, he thinks because he took me out for a meal to where HE wanted to go to that everything is ok now, well its not, he's went out with the money I had aside for us to go out to the cinema together but he doesnt care because HE wanted to go out with his mates.

My mates all stay where I used to live with my parents, none of them drive and have kids of there own. They cant always come and see me because of funds and have a life of there own, and I also cant afford to get two busses there and two busses back all the time to go see them. So I sit in this flat, day after day, 24/7 with our two dogs and 8 puppies and I am myself for 8/9 hours of the days, 5 days a week untill he comes in at the end of the day from college. Sometimes lately, he doesnt even come straight home, he goes for a pint with a couple of mates from college without even letting me know, and I find out because he looks half pished when he comes home !!

But he doesnt think he's doing anything wrong but tbh he IS and I dont think i'm being unreasonable.

Honestly, I'm sitting like a skank, My hair hasnt been dyed or cut for months, my eyebrows havent been done for weeks, I'm sitting with scruffy old trainers to go out in, old tops and old jeans......

He's walking about with new shirts, new tshirts, new hair cuts, new trainers, etc

Do you get what i'm meaning yet? It's so upsetting.

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[flexilexi394]

Yeah I do get what you mean honey, I'm sorry I got it wrong. Why dint you just put money away for yourself, even irks if takes a while to get enough for what you want, so you can go on a mini shopping trip and buy things for yourself, sod what he wants or thinks.
Do you ever get the chance to talk? Like proper conversation? It's not fair on you and you're about to have a baby together. You need to sort it for your own sanity. Is he taking time out from college to be with you and baby? X

 

[purplehippy]

Hopefully this link will go to the pageI happened to be reading just now about the health in pregnancy grant - it finishes on the 1st jan and you qualifiy, if you haven't already applied - it's £190 so if you haven't applied, apply and use it for the baby things you need: http://www.nationalchildbirthtrust.com/in-your-area/cardiff/News

Excuse the 'Cardiff' bit!

I think we can all see where you are coming from. It's just difficult because there's nothing we can actually do - he needs a serious kick up the backside. Have you thought about the worst case - ie asking him to leave? I agree with what was previously said - he has more time now than he will have when the baby is born. But this is something my OH and I discussed the other day. He got me into real ale, I joined CAMRA, and now I am bored to tears joining him down the pub even to see our friend there, because I sit there, tired and sipping soft drinks. I need to do other things now that are taoilored to both of us. And we see it as only fair that we do things that include us both because I'm also going to lose out on my free time etc.

With my first pregnancy, I ended up telling my ex to go out without me because I had a painful pregnancy and was moody and weepy all the time. I was lonely through pregnancy and lonely afterwards too. We had no money back then but luckily there was freecycle and my family helped where they could. And my ex never spent much when out, he's as thin as a leaf so he only ever had about 2 pints before falling over!

I can see that what you need is for his company and love and reassurance. Trouble comes down to what I posted before - its not that exciting for a lot of them because its not happening to them. They say a woman becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant, a man becomes a father when his child is born. There are exceptions to the rule but men just dn't get things like we do.

You need to try and get yourself calm, and then sit down when you are both calm and free, and just explain nicely that you know you are hormonal and so on, that you must seem very needy right now. That you are just rather lonely and everything that is happening to you is new, and that you would like to reach a compromise so that he has his space but you also have some quality time together to reassure you and to help you not to worry so much, because worrying is bad for your baby. I'd suggest getting some man-friendly bubblebath and sitting in the bath together and watching the baby wriggle and have a chat and just enjoy each other's company. Even me and me bloke manage that sometimes.

I hope this helps a bit. Have you googled for a bumps and babies group near you? I was with Surestart in Cheltenham, then Gloucester when I moved, and they have groups, places to meet other mums, things for your kids, free or cheap activities out, they can also help when you need bigger help (they got me funding for nursery when I became to ill to look after my daughter and myself, before I made the brave decision to hand her to my ex while I got better). These centres are a godsend. Go google, or ring your midwife. Though in my experience it's often quickest googling them yourself!

I do think you need to let your midwife know though because if he is going to be this unsupportive when baby is born, they will be concerned about your health deteriorating from stress.

 

[Merfairy]

Maybe you should try and sit him down and insist you guys chat; he may have reasons for his behaviours, but you both need to discuss your feelings by the sounds of things. If he has children he may be a little less exciteable about this baby, but you need to point out how important this is to you. If he is irritable at you chick there is reason, maybe he is scared or worried that things may change between you both for the worst when the baby is born. It is hard to know, but you need to sit down and chat, but also to listen to each other to understand how you can improve the situation. I hope this helps. Good luck with bump xxxx

 

[Marianne]

I have tried sitting down and talking to him but he just seems to think i dont want him having a life and that if he goes out i dont want him to go out because im insecure and think he will go with another woman. I've told him that's not the case but he just keeps argueing with me saying that is why i dont want him going out. I just cant seem to get through to him atall. I mean, he's got two kids already and he's 28 yrs old, he should already be acting like a dad and a man at 28 but he doesnt.

When we met he was so nice, always txting me and phoning me, always telling me he loves me and cant wait to be together properly and when we were together in those days (not living together) he was always all over me, wanting to cuddle me and kiss me, make me smile,etc but when we actually moved in together we had a lot of hell from his ex and her telling him he cant see them bcos he is with me etc and things started to strain then, but we held together. I told him at the time I understand he's finding it hard being away from his kids and not being able to see them at the moment, and if he wanted to go back to them I would respect his wishes but he said no he wanted to be with me 100% and was happy to sit in together everynight (as we didnt have money to do anything at the time).

But ever since he has been at college, he has changed, everything is about him and what he wants. I go to sit next to him on the couch (we have two) and he tells me to go to my own couch, i'll try and cuddle him in bed at times and he pushes me away but says there is nothing wrong and then he wonders why I dont want to have sex much ??

Half the time it's me saying I love you to him, not the other way around.

I've asked him if he wants the single college life, where he can go out anytime he likes, be free basically and for him to tell me and i'll leave, but he says he isnt interested in any other women and he doesnt want the single life,etc .... but i'm getting mixed signals

Am very confused about everything

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