Who else feels that their life is on hold?!

[Blueflower]

I thought life had 4 stages: childhood/teenage years, young adult, settling down & old age!

But I’m stuck waiting for the next stage of my life to happen! I have a job, a house & a husband but where is the family? Its very nice just being me and OH in the house, having lie-ins, nice holidays, nights out etc but its gone on long enough now & I couldn’t cope if it was just like this until our old age! I know some people never have kids and say they are happy about it, they socialise with other childless/child free couples and then grow old. I don’t want that. But the way things are going it feels like we could miss out the whole babies stage and then just get old and die!

I’ve always wanted children. We want to get a dog but we can’t until I give up work and am at home to look after our (future/imaginary) children! So no children means no dog. No children means staying in this job because they let me have time off for medical appointments. No children means missing out on a lot of things it seems. Even if we adopt, we miss out on the baby stage. Its not something I’m ready to accept!

 

[snowbee]

It is difficult isn't it. If I put aside the endless ttc and worry that is won't happen I actually love the rest of my life right now and I'm so cross with myself some days for having things 'ruined' by not being allowed to take that next step. When I was a child and people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always wanted to be like my mum, looking after my children. I always thought that wasn't very ambitious but it is what I always wanted. I didn't want to be a young mum but equally I didn't envisage being an old one either! I've done some great jobs and now I'm ready for that next stage. What if it doesn't happen? I try not to let it but it does worry me. In an ideal world I would have liked three children, have had two and now be going for a third. A boy and two girls, or maybe the other way around I'm not too fussy lol. Now I'm fretting that we won't even have one and feeling like I need to prepare myself for that possibility. Bizarrely the other thing I worry about is eventually managing to have a baby and then hating being a mum.

 

[Blueflower]

I know what you mean, we've had so long to think about it that we have time to worry we won't be very good at it or will hate it! Or I sometimes wonder if it hasn't happened because I'd be rubbish at it or resent it. I know that's not true and my family and friends say I'd be great but your mind goes full circle!

 

[skeando]

Very much so. Have lost count of number of times I have thought, "we better not do ( insert random thing here) because I could be pregnant soon".
Whether it's holidays, buying a new car, applying for a new job whatever.
Fed UP!!!!!

 

[Pearl999]

Yep with you on this. Have you looked on the website more to life on the infertility network, it's full of inspirational stories of people who have moved on, but again how do you become ready todo this!! Love to all xx

 

[Dee28]

I know I have Nancy and so I'm blessed to be a mother but my life is still on hold and as a result I feel guilty every day that I am ruining her early years and by being so consumed with trying to have another child that I've foolishly ruined my experience of motherhood. I have so many things I want to do for/with Nancy but we don't because "I'm having treatment", "I may be pregnant", "I might have a newborn", "we've spent all our money on treatment" etc. This is why I feel I need to end this hideous cycle soon but I don't know how to say goodbye to my desire to be a mother again and to give Nancy a sibling, it sucks!

 

[kittykitchn]

Every morning I wake up wishing for the evening so I can go to sleep and another day passes. It's ruining my life - and I don't know how to stop it feeling that way. There isn't anything else in my life that I like or makes me happy.

I just feel generally unhappy and bitter. Which is turning into anger by the day - and I don't want to be like that.

 

[Loubalouba]

I too hate the fact that I am wishing my life away... I feel incomplete and like there is a deep rooted fear that I will always feel like this and I may never be a mum. I refuse to give up but I am starting to think of ways I could fulfil our lives without a family and I know it would never be fulfilled without children so we have requested an adoption information pack and are going to seriously look into it.

We got a puppy 2 years ago and it really helped me.

I know people who have taken 5 years or 10 years to conceive so it can still happen for people but it's a long time to keep going through this!! I really don't know what the answer is but I think the key is getting a balance of trying every month but not trying too hard...!! I.e still enjoy the things you like to eat and drink, do things you want to do etc... If we are going to be mummy's it will happen no matter what we eat, drink or do! I have stopped the fancy vitamins, started to drink alcohol when I want to etc because nothing has made a difference and I am tired of trying so hard! I need to live my life as much as I can without calculating what I am doing every 5 minutes and if it will affect our chances this month!!!

I still can't understand how people get pregnant with 1 month of trying!! Is it just me or does it seem like most people get pregnant without much trouble!

I never thought it would be this much heartache...

We can't give up ladies it's our dream xx we need some BFP's on here to give us some hope!! X

 

[millielaura]

Aw I defo feel like this at times too. It's only just recently since taking time out I've felt like myself again. I know I'm younger but sometimes it feels like that means I have more child free years ahead of me if it doesn't happen for us.

Defo really difficult. We have the money, house, relationship etc and it just feels like we can't move on. Sometimes I get so upset thinking what if this is it, my life forever, just being exactly like this, I'm only 22 and this could actually be "it." If we don't have children. Definitely depressing.

My cats have helped a lot haha! Xx

 

[Blueflower]

Yeah we do have a balanced life, but the niggle never goes away. I got adoption info years ago and have looked into it again recently. If we could get a young baby without any issues and no birth parents to keep in contact with I might even forget the IVF, but adoption isn't like that any more.

Also, even though my life is stuck on pause, time doesn't stand still and I might wake up one day still with no kids but been married for 10 years and in the menopause!

Rather depressing! My positivity all went when my consultant put 3 embryos back going on about my age and chances.

I must get my positivity back! Pets would definitely help!

 

[phonixgirl]

I too feel like this. I have the house, husband, money, and the cat... but no children.

Where we live, we only get one IVF cycle on the NHS. I know that my hormones are all over the place as I bleed for at least a week before each period. I know I won't get pregnant until the bleeding stops. I have never had a BFP and found out from IUI scans that I have polycystic ovaries. Doctors won't do anything as I don't 'look' like I have PCOS...

I have always wanted children but actually started to get to think of life beyond the presumably failed IVF cycle. Adoption? Maybe, but OH wants to foster first. Or no kids and carry on as we are? Maybe we just weren't meant to have kids.

 

[Jasmine111]

I start panicking when I think what the next step would be if IVF doesn't work. I was actually shocked at how low the success rates were for IVF and after my failed fresh cycle I wonder if it will ever work. There has been a spree of women getting pregnant at work. In the time I've been ttc, 5 women at work have got pregnant and returned from maternity leave. It really does get me down sometimes xx

 

[Blueflower]

Yeah the general public think that IVF is guaranteed success, I wish! As if once you get your embryo you are automatically pregnant. Next time someone assumes that, I might shock them by saying that we had IVF but all our embryos died.

I can't accept we're not meant to be parents. Children have been part of my whole life in terms of family, jobs and friends and my SIL even said it would be a shame if nobody got to have us as their parents. Which was nice.

The main thing for me at the moment is feeling that this isn't my real life yet, that I'm still waiting for the main part of my life to start.

 

[snowbee]

I saw an article in the paper the other day and it said women are choosing to have children to late and that means it is all their own fault for being infertile!

I survived the bbq, noone mentioned us not having children yet so that was a relief, it is good to know that not everyone thinks it is acceptable to talk about your sex life.

 

[millielaura]

Oh I hate articles like that!! Really hate them! Are they implying to have kids with any man who comes along just because of your age lol!
I think also seeing as you can be young and infertile and old and fertile that age is defo mentioned way too much. I know it does play a part but sometimes people my age are fobbed off and sometimes people older have unnecessary worry all because of the hype about age. Plus people trying late can't be sure they would of caught quick had they been young, I'm 22 and know of 40 +year olds who got preg quicker than me.
Those kind of articles drive me sooo mad. Just makes all women who haven't found the right man yet super anxious about finding someone because they're being told they have to or they'l be infertile, I imagine it makes people who couldn't try till later feel rubbish as if it's their fault when it isn't and then it makes young people who have infertility feel crap too as it's like it's saying only older women have to go through that struggle and it's not true. Haha one of those stories was on the tv the other day and I was yelling at the tv! My single friend is only my age and already worried about finding the right guy because she's read all about having to try when younger. Just creates so much anxiety. Not a lot of people "choose" to wait it's just when they meet the right person, or feel they have everything sorted, seems sooo unfair to try and put the blame on them haha. Stupid articles! Xx

 

[Yiyi]

This is exactly how I feel, its getting me so down. I'm on to my 3rd cycle of clomid and just feel its not going to work, it also doesn't help when you get contradicting info from consultants. I am trying to remain positive but its so hard.
Like you blueflower I just can't seem to accept that we'll never be parents, OH is a lot more positive than me that helps a little but its me with the issues so just feel like a failure.

 

[Loubalouba]

One of my team members announced their pregnancy today! This is the 5th member of my team to get pregnant one after another, I have to do their risk assessments, work out the rota for the midwife appointments etc and generally be constantly reminded of my own lack of pregnancy. I feel awful for being so sad about someone's happy news but now it will be baby this and baby that and I will have to consider that person and their pregnancy for 9 months every day at work! Just can't escape it!

Rant over, I was doing so well until today, I hate who I have become throughout this whole awful process!

 

[Blueflower]

Oh that's so hard, does anyone know your situation?
My team manager asked how I was today when other people could hear! My line manager had to tell her about my treatment because of sick leave which is fair enough and she said she had been thinking about me. I didn't know what to say when she asked how I was!

 

[Loubalouba]

We are a small team so most of them know because within my job there is a lot of things u can't do when pregnant or possibly pregnant so I had to tell them during IVF. They are all lovely and supportive but I can't expect them to stop talking babies when one is pregnant... I just have to deal with it! Just wish it did not hurt so much!

That's nice she asked how u r but clearly not aware of being subtle about it! Work is awkward because u have to tell someone and you spend so much time at work, even when iyou feel at your worst u still have to face colleagues and hold your head up!! I find that tough!

How are u feeling? U coping ok? When do u start treatment again? Xx

 

[Blueflower]

She probably wasn't aware of who I had told. The colleagues in the room behind us at the time were ones I hadn't! They knew I'd had 'medical' issues though so that's what I said. Couldn't say too much but sometimes wish I could blurt out "we might not be able to have children and I am devastated!" So hard to hold it in and be brave all the time. I'm glad your colleagues are supportive, my ones who know are too. Mind you some of them get time off for stupid things like taking the cat to the vet or stress whilst continuing with sports events and training!!

We have an appointment next month with a different consultant in London to arrange the IVF with the embryo screening. I have been feeling very negative, stressed and tired with all the problems with the clinic and being ill on holiday but feeling a bit better this week. Had a nice weekend with DH and got a positive OPK!