Where is my marriage going?

[Dotty_woman]

Sorry this is a bit of a long-winded one but I anyone could take out the time to read, I'd be most appreciative. I've reached the point where I think I need to talk to someone about this. I'm 45, married with 3 children 18,15 and 2. We've just "celebrated" our silver wedding anniversary. My husband works freelance and has always brought home a good wage although there can be times when he is out of work for a couple of months between jobs. I had always worked full time before we had kids although my job pays significantly less than his, although I am not on a bad wage by any means. Since our daughter was born in November 2013, I negotiated returning to work 4 days a week so I could at least spend some time with her to strike a sensible work/life balance.

My husband finished his last assignment in February 2015. We had sufficient money to allow him some time off as he had had a long assignment working about 30 miles or so away from home, commuting on a daily basis. It is now April 2016 and most of our savings have now been used up so my wage is basically trying to cover all our outgoings. He has his own business and has been looking to try and develop some business ideas as an alternative to the work he normally does and I have tried to support this.

We have been making a conscious effort to tighten the purse strings and cut our spending but I am getting stressed. I have gingerly expressed my concerns about our financial situation and this has caused a few arguments. I guess one of the main things that is riling me is that he said we could only afford for me to have 6 months off work as maternity leave (I had accrued 1 month's holiday so total time off was 7 months) and I said fair enough. However when it comes to him deciding when he's going to start working properly again, I have no say.

He has been doing a bit of washing and makes tea on an evening but the house is a tip. I find myself trying to get on top of the mess on my day off when I should be trying to spend some time with my daughter. She had been becoming really clingy with him and generally goes to him, rather than me. She does go to nursery 2 days a week and my mum comes to help on two days two so that only really leaves Wednesday to cover and that's my day off. He's constantly saying he needs to get on with his "project" but has been managing to find time to go to the gym. He cancelled my membership to save money as I have been going running on my own instead.

His mum has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and is currently undergoing chemo so I have tried to take this into account and am trying to support him through this difficult time. He is certainly not someone who opens up about things.

I'm increasingly not liking the person he has become though. He seems quite self centred and frankly I'm not enjoying spending time with him. He had been flying off the handle more than usual with our two teenage sons. Yes, they don't always pull their weight but there was an occasion recently where he pushed our younger son onto the sofa and shouted at him in a really scary fashion. I was a bit scared and told him this afterwards. I think my son can sense something is wrong.

Then this weekend we were going to the seaside and I pulled into the petrol station to fill up. When leaving I nipped out in front of another car and he started having a go at me and distracted me and I nearly ran into a bus that I hadn't seen. He called me a "stupid f***ing bitch" in front of my son and my 2 year old. Yes I know I made a mistake but am I unreasonable for thinking that was bang out of order? I seem to be trying to find every excuse to try and avoid him at the moment and am happier when I'm not at home. My eldest son is due to go to University in September so there'll only be my younger son and my daughter then. The thought of another 25 years of this fills me with dread. I've been drinking more than usual, which I'm a bit concerned about but think it's under control. He's tried to hug me in bed but I don't feel like getting intimate at the moment. There's been a few times I've wondered what would happen if I disappeared for a few days but couldn't do that to my kids. I feel pretty miserable. My husband does care about our kids but he does seem to overreact to situations that don't warrant it. I'm not sure what to do.

 

[El1en]

What a stressful situation for you both to be in, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

His attitude sounds awful, he's expecting you to make so many sacrifices but unwilling to cancel his own gym membership? That's not fair. I understand his mother is poorly but he can't take his worries out on you guys.

In your situation id be spending that Wednesday with my daughter, leaving the house for a day out, even if it's just a picnic at the park, I'd say to him "we're going out to give you some space to get on with your project" and just go, no discussion, have a nice day with your little girl. Housework can wait, it can be done on an evening when the kids are in bed. Do your sons help? They are old enough to help out

I doubt he will go for it (being a man) but it sounds like he could do with seeing a counsellor as his emotions seems to be bubbling up causing him to snap at you. How did he react when you told him he'd scared you shouting at and pushing your son? Not okay behaviour, ever

 

[Dotty_woman]

Thank you for responding. Sometimes it's good to know that it's not just me overreacting. I suffer from low confidence and self esteem at the best of times. I feel like I just want to avoid him at the moment. xxx

 

[Blueclass]

Hey i feel so bad for you! It is really horrible to call you names like that and expect you to do stuff when you should be spending time with your daughter. Could you not go away wiyh your kids for a few days? Maybe a beeak from him woild help and leave a letter explaining how you feel? X

 

[Sparklegirl]

He might not be up for it, but I suggest couples counselling. I am a therapist and the way we work with couples is to create an environment where they both get the opportunity to say things and the other will repeat back what they heard- it works on listening blocks. It sounds to me like he needs to hear how he is making you feel and the stress he is creating with his selfishness.

From what you say it is not you being unreasonable at all, most people have pulled out thinking it was safe and realised it was a little hairy but to swear like that at you is not right, compounded by the fact the kids were there. While a break sounds like a good idea, you always have to go back to reality, it might be a better approach to face the problem head on and talk to him. Even if he wont engage with you, as long as he listens to you and you are able to be very calm and try as hard as it is, to keep emotion out of it so he has nothing to rile against. If its all facts or well put opinions, he can be invited to say how he feels but only if he is able to do so without being insulting to you. I hope you get things sorted out soon, it does not sound like a happy atmosphere

 

[tinselcat]

You're not wrong for feeling as you do. He's taking advantage of you, has totally different standards and called you an abusive name in front of your small children. This is not acceptable. He also sounds somewhat controlling and has frightened you with his behaviour around your son on one occasion.

I understand it must be stressful for his mother to be going through lung cancer treatment, however, how much bad behaviour are you willing to tolerate with that as an 'excuse'?

Listen to your heart, it knows something is wrong.
Your mind may come up with excuses but you have every right to lead a happy life for the rest of your life.

It may be worth looking up some numbers/helplines of people to talk to, who may be able to help you in the way you want.

Please don't put up with this. xx

 

[Dotty_woman]

Thank you for all your suggestions everyone. I'm feeling calmer and less stressed today. He's got an interview for a permanent job coming up but I think even if he gets offered it, he'll can it because he really wants to do his own business. I'm not sure why he's applied for it if he isn't serious about taking it. He says it's good interview practice. Quite for what, I don't know. I get he feeling he's only going for it to appease me. I'd rather him look for something Freelance if he wants to get some more money coming in. At least he wouldn't be tied down quote the same. I'm going to see how things go for a week or so and then possibly go to see someone on my own just to get things moving. He's got a big car show that he organises coming up so he's been immersed in that for the past few weeks. I've booked myself onto a works night out to go Go-karting so at least have something to look forward to. I'm sure that helps. xxx