What should I do??

[Rachey]

Hey girls hope you and your bubz are all well!

Didn't really know where to post this but just wantd to ask what you would all do..

My Dad was only around until I was 3months old, when he decided to buggar off abroad and leave my Mum and Me.. my Mum says that even for those 3months all he did was drink and take drugs and from what I know he was really horrible to her, think she was really frightened of him. He wouldn't let my Gran or any of my Mums family visit and he tried to take me away a few times.

So for 15 years there was no contact atall, no birthday cards, phone calls or anything. My Stepdad has always been just like a real dad to me. When I was 15 I decided I really wanted to know who he was and we managed to get in contact with him. My Mum let me meet him but had me well warned about what he was like. When I met him we went for dinner and he asked me if I smoked hash and wanted a joint (No joke! Really responsible eh?! lol) when my Mum picked me up he said he would phone every Saturday.. but I didn't hear from him for 3months! Up until now it has been the same.. phone calls every few months but nothing else! When I did speak to him he promised me driving lessons, a car, a flat and a load of other crap. He's still never sent a birthday card or anything!! He even asked me on my 18th birthday what age I was?!? Idiot.

Anyway since a few weeks before Matthew arrived he has suddenly became interested in me, was phoning quite alot saying how he couldn't wait till he was born.. he said to me "I never felt like you were my daughter cause I didn't see you but now I feel like this baby will be my real grandson" I felt like saying is he f*ck!!! That wound me up after him not caring for so long... And he was saying "I wonder if the baby will look like me" and "I can't wait to hold him"

I've ignored him since I've had Matthew even though he's phoned and phoned, left messages, texts, emails, got his Mum to try phoning... he's saying that he wants to come over... but honestly the though of him near Matthew freaks me out, I wouldn't be able to trust him near him. I know this sounds so so so silly and I'm being OTT but I'd be terrified he just grabbed him and took him or something. (I'm not one of those overly paranoid mums btw just my Dad is a weirdo..)

He's just emailed me saying..

'Still no address from you rachel, is there a problem with giving us your address. What is happening Rachel? We do not understand why you are not responding to calls,texts,emails,facebook,chat anything.Just say what you want, if you do not want to have contact just say so, I am not going to continue wasting my time like this leaving messages and not being answered. If i do not hear anything after this then I will not attempt to contact you again. Let us know what is going on'

I really don't know what to do! It's my own fault for letting him into my life in the first place, I should have listened to my Mum. I just can't stand the thought of him near Matthew, and promising him all the things that he has promised me, and then getting let down again and again. It wouldn't be fair on my little man I just want him to be brought up with my Mum and Stepdad as his Nana and Papa, they love him to bits

I'm scared that I tell him I want nothing to do with him and then he starts getting nasty, I think he could be really really horrible. I'm worried that he tries to find out my address from somewhere or something! DO you think it would be easier just to play along with him?

Sorry for the mega long post, just sitting here worrying about what to do and thought I'd ask for some advice.

Thanks girls xxx

 

[xxbeckyxx]

Eek, that's a difficult one! Tbh if it was me (being totally honest), I would not want him around my child and would cut him out of my life. Easier said than done though eh? One of Lizzie's Grandads is actually a stepdad and we don't have any contact with OH's real dad for similar reasons to what you've just said. If he suddenly wanted to meet Lizzie it would take a lot of convincing for me to accept!
Hope you can come to a decision, don't feel guilty though, whatever else goes through your mind. I know it's hard to ignore the fact your blood-related, but sounds like your Stepdad will make a much better Papa!!

 

[Rachey]

Eek, that's a difficult one! Tbh if it was me (being totally honest), I would not want him around my child and would cut him out of my life. Easier said than done though eh? One of Lizzie's Grandads is actually a stepdad and we don't have any contact with OH's real dad for similar reasons to what you've just said. If he suddenly wanted to meet Lizzie it would take a lot of convincing for me to accept!
Hope you can come to a decision, don't feel guilty though, whatever else goes through your mind. I know it's hard to ignore the fact your blood-related, but sounds like your Stepdad will make a much better Papa!!

It's amazing how much the whole 'blood-related' thing doesn't matter sometimes eh, it's the ones who are around and the ones that put up with the bad times as well as the good that really matter.

But yeah I think I will just need to cut him out, it might be hard to get rid of him but he's not worth having in our lives. What made me realise that I need to get rid of him was when he said he wanted to come over.. the thought of him being near Matthew is horrible, I just don't trust him one bit and I shouldn't feel like that about my 'Dad'.. He keeps going on about being his 'real grandad' as if he's trying to say my stepdad isn't annoys me so much cause my Stepdads the one who brought me up and I think he's been round to see Matthew every day since he was born!!

Thanks for your advice hun x

 

[twinkle84]

Your background is the exact as mine by the way except I didn't find mine as I didn't want to know such a low life and my real dad and aidens grandad is the man who brought me up for last 20 years!! He sounds awful (sorry) but I agree not the kind of person you want in your life! But I feel really sorry for u and good luck with the difficult decision xx

 

[Maria1977]

I have alot of issues with my dad, and even though I've always known where he was we haven't stayed in contact and I know that I will never let him muck my son around like he has me.

If you don't want your dad to know where you live don't let him guilt you into anything. He might be your 'dad' but you have to earn trust and respect whoever you are imo.

xxxxx

 

[isobel84]

I belive in 2 sides to every story n second chances, he messed up, now he seem genuinely intrested, I would tell him he could see him, but first sign of him having had a drink or done drugs, he blown it.

 

[Baby Bean]

I think you have to trust your instincts hun, especially now you are a mummy. If your gut is telling you something is off about him when you think about your son then believe it. When Matthew is older and can make his own choices then maybe things can be different. It's a horrible situation hun good luck with whatever you decide x

 

[tinytoes]

I think you have to trust your instincts hun, especially now you are a mummy. If your gut is telling you something is off about him when you think about your son then believe it. When Matthew is older and can make his own choices then maybe things can be different. It's a horrible situation hun good luck with whatever you decide x

I have to totally agree , leave to to Matthew to decide when he is older and go with your gut for now . xxx

 

[setdse]

tbh if i was in your sittuation i would be putting my son 1st! i completely understand why you are scared to let them meet...

im the same with my MIL but in a different way.... some dont class it as abuse but i do and she over eats and stuffed her son with crap... ive told her all about how i want to BLW to get him on a healthy diet etc and yet ive heard her talking to dylan when she thought i couldnt hear saying she'll give im all the treats he wants! inc coke!!!!!

I know its not the same but im scared to leave my son in her care knowin she will pile him up with chocolate and biscuits etc! even at this age!!!!

Really hope you can come to a decision that you feel comfortable with. xx

 

[Rachey]

Thanks for all your advice girls! We've decided that we will let Matthew make his own decision when he is old enough. I emailed my Dad saying that we didn't feel like it was right just now to let him meet Matthew after how much he let me down and because of his drugs. I said that if when Matthews is old enough if he wants to know who he is then I would tell him.

My Dad then left a voicemail saying that his drug taking is nothing to do with it because he wouldn't take them around Matthew?! (He didn't even try to deny the drugs) And he said he deserves a better explanation and that we need to have some balls and answer the phone to him...

He doesn't deserve a bloomin explanation, he's never ever given me one for all the time he didn't bother. I know we really should answer the phone to him rather than email but I'm scared of what he'll say.. God I need to stop being such a wimp

I just feel so annoyed that even though I made contact with him when I was 15, he still never bothered his arse, then the whole time I was pregnant he never phoned or asked how things were.. then all of a sudden now that Matthews here he's decided to start phoning.

xxx

 

[Rachey]

Your background is the exact as mine by the way except I didn't find mine as I didn't want to know such a low life and my real dad and aidens grandad is the man who brought me up for last 20 years!! He sounds awful (sorry) but I agree not the kind of person you want in your life! But I feel really sorry for u and good luck with the difficult decision xx

I wish I had done the same as you hun, if I could go back then I would never have made contact with him - it's been a complete waste of time! He might be my Dad my blood but as far as I'm concerned my stepdad is my Dad xxx

 

[tinkerbell86]

totally understand this hun!!! But NEVER EVER think its your fault!! after years of heartache and being with my oh he taught me that i never asked to be bought into the world and it was their loss for not knowing me and i should get on with my life and enjoy it!

My dad died when i was 4 and his family had nothing to do with me since i was 1!! my nan sent cards for bday and xmas etc but nothing more. since i was about 13 i got in contact with my aunts, uncles and cousins but not my grandparents. my grandad dies earlier this year and i couldnt bring myself to go to the funeral but went along to the wake just to see if my cousins were ok (and one of them hadnt seen h as she has really unsocial shifts). well my nan wanted to hold h but i couldnt let her as i dont know her so she spoke to him and played with him but i felt like i couldnt hand him too her !! But hopefully we cant start speaking now my grandad is gone (he was the reason i was disowned)!

take things slowly and maybe he will change now a baby is around but make it clear he will only have one chance and it goes at whatever pace you set it!!

 

[angelmma]

A saying that I find so true is - 'Anyone can be a father, but it takes alot to be a daddy!'

I have the same history as you, although Ive never got in contact with my 'father' (I prefer to call him SD - sperm donor) as hes a waste of space. My half sibling recently got in contact with me, and as she has regular contact with SD and says what I great dad he is, I told her that I couldnt have her in my life.

You dont owe your father anything. No explanation, Nothing!! Id write to him, that he didnt have the balls to bring up his daughter so why should you bother to answer the phone and listen to his crap. Its not like he gets to redeem himself with Matthew, he had the chance when you got in contact with him at 15 to try and make things right, but he didnt bother. Your stepdad was a great dad, and is no doubt a great grandad You do right to let matthew decide himself when hes older. Dont feel guilty, you did nothing wrong, and if your gut instinct is warning you not to trust him, Id follow it 100%. good luck xxx

 

[Rachey]

A saying that I find so true is - 'Anyone can be a father, but it takes alot to be a daddy!'

I have the same history as you, although Ive never got in contact with my 'father' (I prefer to call him SD - sperm donor) as hes a waste of space. My half sibling recently got in contact with me, and as she has regular contact with SD and says what I great dad he is, I told her that I couldnt have her in my life.

You dont owe your father anything. No explanation, Nothing!! Id write to him, that he didnt have the balls to bring up his daughter so why should you bother to answer the phone and listen to his crap. Its not like he gets to redeem himself with Matthew, he had the chance when you got in contact with him at 15 to try and make things right, but he didnt bother. Your stepdad was a great dad, and is no doubt a great grandad You do right to let matthew decide himself when hes older. Dont feel guilty, you did nothing wrong, and if your gut instinct is warning you not to trust him, Id follow it 100%. good luck xxx

You couldn't be more right with that saying hun, thanks for your reply xxx

 

[Rachey]

totally understand this hun!!! But NEVER EVER think its your fault!! after years of heartache and being with my oh he taught me that i never asked to be bought into the world and it was their loss for not knowing me and i should get on with my life and enjoy it!

My dad died when i was 4 and his family had nothing to do with me since i was 1!! my nan sent cards for bday and xmas etc but nothing more. since i was about 13 i got in contact with my aunts, uncles and cousins but not my grandparents. my grandad dies earlier this year and i couldnt bring myself to go to the funeral but went along to the wake just to see if my cousins were ok (and one of them hadnt seen h as she has really unsocial shifts). well my nan wanted to hold h but i couldnt let her as i dont know her so she spoke to him and played with him but i felt like i couldnt hand him too her !! But hopefully we cant start speaking now my grandad is gone (he was the reason i was disowned)!

take things slowly and maybe he will change now a baby is around but make it clear he will only have one chance and it goes at whatever pace you set it!!

Sorry to hear what you've been through hun sounds like you've had a time of it, really hope things get better between you and your nan now x

It's weird how the thought of some people holding your LO just doesn't feel right eh xxx