what should I do? - BEWARE, LONG FIRST POST

[kitten1102]

Every week, I get together with the other women from my NCT ante-natal group. Its a chance to catch up and the babies get to have a few hours of good social interaction...

Anyway, a few of us have noticed that one of the babies in particular is a lot less 'advanced' (not exactly the right word, but close enough). He doesn't smile very much, and if you lay him on the floor, he stays almost completely static (no legs moving, he tends not to even follow you by turning his head), and he doesn't babble the way the others do

While we are all on the floor with our LOs (or each others LOs), his mum sits him away from us all. When I was hosting the get together, she put him in the hallway outside the lounge in his carseat, and just left him there, and this week, she just left him on a futon in the corner of someone elses living room.

When he starts to cry, it seems as though her idea of entertaining him is to just shake a rattely toy at him while she carries on chatting (she doesn't even look at him!!) or leaving him on a playmat or under a gym. She doesn't ever cuddle him to sleep, she leaves him to cry/scream wherever she has left him, and it gets to the point where its upsetting the other babies.

This week, she left him in my friends bouncer chair by my feet while I was sat BFing Tim. She left him there alone while she went off to make a phone call. He started to cry, so I bounced the chair a little with my foot, and coo-ed at him the way I would at Tim, and he gave me the most beautiful smile! When she came back, she said 'he never smiles for me. What did you do to get him to smile?' I told her I just spoke to him...

She is following this super-strict routine (think Claire Verity from Bringing Up Baby) so she will put him down to sleep, even when he's not tired (which is why he gets frustrated and cries) and she will sit him on her lap (his back against her chest) when she feeds him, so there is never any eye contact and holding hands during feeding times...

Its such a shame as hes a lovely looking little boy, we as a group just thinks he may need a little more attention... Do you think someone/some of us should try to find out whether everything is okay with OH/home? We know she doesn't like her HV, so she isn't likely to tell her if something is wrong.

We don't want to seem nosey, we just want to make sure that bubs is a happy boy so he can smile a little more often.

 

[LucyBee]

Hmmm. I'm not sure what to say. Maybe she is having trouble with PND or is finding motherhood difficult.
I had PND and went to my NCT group and always found it difficult as everyone else seemed to be breezing through motherhood. I would hate the thought that other people were watching me and judging my behaviour with Tom. I know you're posting out of concern but I think you have to be very careful. I personally would've been devastated if anyone from my NCT group had said anything to me or questioned my parenting.
I'm sure if she is having trouble there will come a time where she will open up to you or to her HV or her doctor or someone in her family. In the meantime, she probably needs friendship and support from you all to help her through. I'm sure if she spends more time with your group she will see how you all behave with your LOs and that might help.
I have a friend who basically sits her little girl in the middle of the room when we get together and plonks some toys in front of her and leaves her to it. Her little girl has grown up to be confident and independent. She loves her daughter to bits but she just parents in a different way.
Lucyx

 

[Becky&Willow]

thats difficult to answer really why dont you try chatting to her make sure she hasnt got pnd and that everything is ok at home i wouldnt be to pushy though not yet some women dont take to motherhood straight away id give her a little more time personally as you might push her away and do more harm then good.


this is just my opinion, hope it helps a little

 

[Huddsgirl]

This is a horrible situation for anyone to be in.
It sounds to me that there is no bonding with this lady. i no it seems harsh but cant you tell anyone (HV/ social worker ) just so they can moniter things. not saying she is hurting him or anything like that but she may not have connected to him the way a mother should.
hope you find someway to help her hun, that little boy needs lots of love and attention like a baby should have

 

[rhian85]

hmmmm...

i think you need to be carefull here TBH...im sorry if this sounds harsh and its not ment to be personal to u. But i seem to feel she could be finding motherhood a little hard or even possibly suffereing with PND, and that she could be finding the interaction with her baby a little hard due to her feelings towards motherhood.
this does not mean she is "ignoring" her son or that she is a bad mother..may be you need to consider how she may be feeling especially when she sees other mums finding it a walk in the park.

i agree with lucybee may be if you just make her fel more involved and help her interact with her son alittle she may in time open up BUT i wouldnt go burstingin asking her if there are any problems at home or in her relationship you may just make the situation work.

i have no personal experinece with PND but have had a friend suffer aa few years ago and have studied it in uni and college. IF you do feel concerned then may be speak to a HV or any other professionalu have at these meetings..may be they could talk to her

but in he meantime make her feel welcome and include her in baby chat - talk to her in general about her son etc.

 

[LucyBee]

This is a horrible situation for anyone to be in.
It sounds to me that there is no bonding with this lady. i no it seems harsh but cant you tell anyone (HV/ social worker ) just so they can moniter things. not saying she is hurting him or anything like that but she may not have connected to him the way a mother should.
hope you find someway to help her hun, that little boy needs lots of love and attention like a baby should have

Woh! Hold on a second there! It sounds to me that she's just adopted a different approach to parenting. Babies develop at different rates. Mums cope in different ways. I don't think it's down to her NCT group to get involved (other than to be supportive friends) or to judge her parenting. I feel rather sensitive about this as I just hate the thought of a group of girls discussing this other girl and her parenting behind her back. Motherhood is HARD. I'm sure she's trying her best. Maybe she's struggling more than the others but perhaps she just needs some more time.
I agree with Becky...maybe try to chat to her to see if she wants to open up and maybe she may have PND but if not, carry on being her friend and supporting her and see how things go.
I dfeinitely don't think an NCT group calling a HV or Social worker is on.
God, I'd be crushed if anyone had done that to me. It would've totally destroyed all my confidence and would've made me feel totally alienated from my group.

 

[rhian85]

This is a horrible situation for anyone to be in.
It sounds to me that there is no bonding with this lady. i no it seems harsh but cant you tell anyone (HV/ social worker ) just so they can moniter things. not saying she is hurting him or anything like that but she may not have connected to him the way a mother should.
hope you find someway to help her hun, that little boy needs lots of love and attention like a baby should have

im sorry but i dont think jumping to a social worker would help..may be she is just findning motherhood a hard journey..may be she has PND involving a social worker would just make it worse. PND mothers are not bad mothers it just makes it harder for them than it would to u or i .

 

[trixipaws]

aww thats so sad

its a tricky one, but i think the others hav given some good advice.

 

[babsi]

Another way of looking at things is that because Kai only just says around 10-15 words at the age of 2 is because I don't talk or interact with him???? Because he was a bit later with his walking (15 months) is because I didn't help him?

All babies have their own line of growth, some are quicker or slower than others and I really don't think it is your business to interfere in it. Friendship is the key if you really want to help not reporting them, what can you really say?

I know someone who had their baby taken away because they had PND, I don't know the in's and out's of it but they confided in someone about they were feeling and they reported her and she had her baby taken away for 3 months. This women wasn't the best mother in the world but she didn't deserve that.

 

[rhian85]

if she has PND she needs friendships and support not people hounding her over her personal life..this would just frighten her even more....try building a friendship with her and then may be try to make her open up.

i doubt very much she is a bad mothe rmay be she just needs some help but to afraid to ask because she feels she will be classed as a "bad" mother.

 

[kitten1102]

Thanks guys...

Its not that we are gossiping about her, its that we just wanna know shes happy with being a mum (although sometimes that can be hard!!) We do try and involve her in play and conversation, but she just seems to sort of exclude herself sometimes.

I think you're right Rhian, I might see if she fancies a coffee tomorrow, just the two of us.

She knows that I have PND, and maybe if its just the 2 of us and there is something bothering her, she'll feel more comfortable to open up if she wants to. I'm not gonna push though, I know that I had to talk about things in my own time.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Thanks guys...

Its not that we are gossiping about her, its that we just wanna know shes happy with being a mum (although sometimes that can be hard!!) We do try and involve her in play and conversation, but she just seems to sort of exclude herself sometimes.

I think you're right Rhian, I might see if she fancies a coffee tomorrow, just the two of us.

She knows that I have PND, and maybe if its just the 2 of us and there is something bothering her, she'll feel more comfortable to open up if she wants to. I'm not gonna push though, I know that I had to talk about things in my own time.

I think thats a wonderful idean and a careful approach sounds the best way with her. Maybe she needs a friend and someone to confide in.

 

[libs]

when one of my sister's had her first baby 2 1/2 years ago she constantly interacted with her. Her second was born this august and she acts exactly like this lady. My niece is left in a car seat most of the time, she bfs but never even looks at LO and my nieces development is behind.

My sister is obviously suffering from PND but as she and my BIL like to give off this perfect impression she won't admit it. He goes along with her leaving LO in the car seat and criticises anyone who picks LO up - as she "likes to be left alone" We commented about how placid she was and all my sister will say is - yes when you lot are giving her attention but as they are both so defensive, no one can get her to talk, they have to pretend how perfect everything is all the time. When she admitted with first LO that bfing was making her exhausted - BIL had a go at her afterwards about how we'll think they can't cope. This post reminded me so much of her, and I tend to keep away as I dislike him so much and dislike seeing my niece upset

God sorry - that turned into a whole emotional outpouring - I hadn't realised how worried i was - I'm off work next week- I'm going to go round when he isn't there

 

[rhian85]

Thanks guys...

Its not that we are gossiping about her, its that we just wanna know shes happy with being a mum (although sometimes that can be hard!!) We do try and involve her in play and conversation, but she just seems to sort of exclude herself sometimes.

I think you're right Rhian, I might see if she fancies a coffee tomorrow, just the two of us.

She knows that I have PND, and maybe if its just the 2 of us and there is something bothering her, she'll feel more comfortable to open up if she wants to. I'm not gonna push though, I know that I had to talk about things in my own time.

good im glad i could help you....i think the idea of coffee and it being just the two of u is a very very good idea..just take it slow and let her see u want to become her friend. let me know how it goes...

 

[Lou]

Personally I wouldn't pussy foot around the woman. Next time she ignores her baby or plonks him down and leaves him then I'd say, in a half joking half serious way "aww don't leave him alone, bring him in with the rest of us" or I'd say "why don't you try a cuddle when he feeds, babies love a cuddle". I'm not one for talking behind peoples backs, if I have something to say I just say it. Its better to be upfront with people, you don't have to be nasty or rude, just direct.

She might have PND, she might just be feeling crappy, she might just be finding her feet and could use a little friendly advice or she might just be a lazy cow who hasn't got a clue how to interact and care for a baby. Whatever is wrong at least she is getting out and mixing with mums, you'd think she'd see you and your friends with your babies and realise she isn't treating hers like the rest of you. Maybe she thinks her way is right and all the rest of you are weird

Put the baby first I say. She can help herself, the baby can't.

Do what you think is right

 

[LucyBee]

Sounds like you have a good plan kitten.
Hope you have a nice coffee and strike up a friendship.
Even if she doesn't open up to you, I hope you will keep an open mind. Babies develop at different rates and all mums parent in a different way.
Lucyx