What do you think I should do?

[Laura_C]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I just need a bit of advice. As you know we lost our little boy Ethan a couple of weeks ago and people keep asking me what I am going to do with all of the things I bought for him. I held off buying anything until
after my 20 week scan as I wanted to be sure all was well - just shows that things can go wrong even into your 3rd trimester.

I have a new pushchair, car seat, clothes etc and I just don't know what to do with it all. My family have suggested I try and get the shops to take it back but a part of me really doesn't want it to go anywhere. I just don't think I can send it all back. I have opened most things, although the clothes I have bought mostly still have tags on. All the baby gros and vests had just been unpacked only the week before ready for washing.

I know I am the only person who can make this decision but I just wondered what you think I should do?

 

[LouiseB]

Hiya Laura, so sorry about what you've been through.

I've not experienced the kind of loss that you have, but i think that if you want to keep the items that you should do.

If a close relation dies, people don't just throw everything out or sell it asap, they carefully store it away until one day either they find a use for it or they feel comfortable it being sold on... or they just keep them forever.

Just do what feels best for you, not what you think you should do.

 

[Annie050408]

Hi hon, I just want to say again how very sorry I am for your loss.

I would return the items bit get a friend or family member to actually go to the shop. I think I would keep an item or two in a special box with scan photos and any other key items related to the pregnancy as a special box devoted to this special little one.

As you say though, you need to take your time and wait until you are ready. X

 

[flexilexi394]

Hey honey, I'm glad to see you on here, missed you! Hope you are doing ok. I think I would keep and store it, but I'm not too sentimental about things, I mean I would re use it for the future, but I doubt everyones like that. It's a tough choice to make. Xx

 

[Mummy2Adam]

lovely to see you back on here hunny. Hope your ok.
I personally would keep it and store it away, i dont think i could take it back. I would keep some of the things in a safe place, things that are sentimental and the other things i would use again when the time was right x x



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[Me, My Girls & I]

hiya hun is it that you dont want to take them back to the shops, or that you dont want to get rid of them? i think i read elsewhere that you dont think you want any more babies now? you could keep hold of some of the more sentimental items and then donate some to the womens refuge or something if it was a case of not wanting them jsut going back to the shops, cos then they'd be being put to good use iykwim? it cant be an easy decision to make tho i donated some of Es clothes to the womens refuge via my midwife and i think some went to neonatal aswel xx

 

[Laura_C]

I think tbh I just don't want to get rid of them, even though I would obviously find it incredibly difficult taking things back to the shops. At the moment, the thought of TTC again is very difficult and is very far from my mind - but me and my hubby are agreed that we would one day love a sibling for Grace, so in a couple of years, who knows? I at the very least need to recover from my c section and we also need to speak to doctors following testing etc to see if it is even viable for us to be able to have another healthy pregnancy. We don't want to risk losing another baby we just couldn't handle it. The doctors have said already that we have had a healthy child with no issues already so we should be fine but I want to be sure as we can be. We do want another child, we are just scared and don't want to try and replace Ethan in any way.

We have a memory box for Ethan which has his hat that he wore, his last nappy (he wasn't weeing for himself, had a catheter in so its not soiled) and his blanket from his time in NICU, I held him in this blanket just after he was disconnected from all the machines. He has little bits in there that were bought for him, also his scan pics, pictures taken once he was born, once he had passed, we took his footprints and handprints and a lock of his hair. He had loads of hair!! So weird for 30 weeks gestation! We also have some of the wires that he was connected to during his time in NICU. We have the card from his incubator, with his weight, time of birth etc.

Just after he passed we bathed him and dressed him, we have some lovely pictures and it was nice we got that bit of time with him as hard as it was. I knew I had to be strong and get through that time so that I had some memories with my little boy. We buried him with photographs and little things that meant lots to us and we wanted him to share, we also buried him with a 'little brother' baby gro that we had bought for him. I am also having a keepsake made with Ethan's fingerprint/footprint on and his name engraved on it so I can wear it on a necklace all the time.

I think I would like keep hold of things and hope that soon we will have a use for it, I just don't want people to think I am weird for thinking that I suppose. Most of it was obviously bought having a little boy in mind so not sure if we would have a use for it if we had a little girl. Most is pretty much unisex really except for the clothing.

I think its just too soon at the moment to make a decision, just interested to see what you girls think xx

 

[Me, My Girls & I]

its lovely that you've got so much to remember him by hun, and that you got to bath him and have the memories of that do you have a loft you could pop things in? i dont think people would think you were weird for wantiing to keep hold of things at all xx

 

[Piglet10]

i think its a nice idea to keep the stuff u bought for him for another sibling one day, its like a present from big bro and wud be nice to put some memories into them and remind you of your lovely boy hun. cant imagine what ur going thru xxx

 

[midnight]

again so sorry for your loss xxx i think if you dont want to send anything back or give it away then keep it i dont think i could bare getting rid of anything especially so soon maybe in time you might think differently but right now if keeping it helps then keep it xxxxx

 

[heartbroken]

So glad to see u back on, oh what a horrible situation to have to be in its so not fair.. in your heart you will no wat to do no matter how much time it takes, but my descion would be to keep them its a memory of ur baby boy and even if u & ur partener did decide to try again in a few years maybe, im sure ur lil angel would love u to use them on his brother or sister. xx

 

[p1nk11]

I'm so sorry for your loss, i kind of know how your feeling as my baby girl was stillborn at 35wks via emergency c-section just over 2 wks ago. like you i also have a room full of her clothes,cot,puchchair,car seat,nappies ect. I'm going to keep everything as i cant part with them - to me they are still her things. I find it really difficult to go in (wot would of been) her room so havent been able to start putting things away.
if you want to keep his things then keep them no one will think it's weird at all xx

 

[Laura_C]

My hubby spoke to M&P and they have offered a full refund for the car seat, pushchair, changing bag and liner that we bought for Ethan. After a chat we decided that if we were offered a full refund for everything then it would make sense to take it back. If not I probably would have kept it all. The more I thought about it, the more I think having it sat there is putting pressure on us to TTC sooner. I have kept the clothes I have bought for Ethan though. Dont think I will part with these. I just don't think it is healthy for me to keep everything, if I got pregnant again and it wa a girl I realised I'd probably want to buy different things anyway as it was all bought with Ethan in mind. I actually feel ok about it, I am getting stronger, little by little. They are just 'things' at the end of the day and Ethan never used any of it. He has his special things that I will keep and treasure but those are things that he wore or remind me of him, he rest seems a bit irrelevant.

We went back to the hospital where Ethan was born today to go and take over the donations we have raised for the NICU. We have been told that they are going to use the £200 to buy books that they can give to children to help to explain the loss of a loved one. They will all be marked in memory of our son. I feel so proud and take so much comfort in that his
short life had a purpose and will help other people.

 

[Annie050408]

We went back to the hospital where Ethan was born today to go and take over the donations we have raised for the NICU. We have been told that they are going to use the £200 to buy books that they can give to children to help to explain the loss of a loved one. They will all be marked in memory of our son. I feel so proud and take so much comfort in that his
short life had a purpose and will help other people.[/QUOTE]


That's amazing hon- what a beautiful and kind thing for you to do .xx

 

[flexilexi394]

If it's any constellation, my mums friends brother and his wife, had their little girl at 27 weeks. Unfortunately she didn't make it through the birth, and they had bought everything. They kept big things like cot an whatever, and very thoughtfully gave me all their girls clothes, some toiletries and some toys they bought for their little girl. I feel honoured to have them and am glad ive helped a couple through a painful time by having stuff they bought. They said they wanted it to go to good use, and I hope it will. I dont feel wierd having it at all.

They are now pregnant again and due in march (they lost their little one in Jan this year) and have decided not to find out the sex this time as if they knew it was a girl again they said it would just upset them.

Just thought it might be a comfort to know these things, x

 

[Laura_C]

I know I am not alone and I find it helps to here about other peoples experiences - although I would never wish anyone go through what we have been through the last few weeks. We have kept the furniture, this was our daughters furniture so we had this anyway. My hubby has put the cot down though, we can always put it back up if we have another! I am sure we will certainly try for another baby once we have both been tested and spoken with the specialists at the hospital. At the moment i am so frightened to admit to my family that we would like to TTC again one day - I feel like they would be mad at us for putting them through the stress and the heartbreak of all this again. I know they wouldn't but its silly thoughts that go through my mind.

Lexi - thats lovely that they gave you some of their daughters things xxx

 

[flexilexi394]

I know. I think that trying again really isn't such a bad thing for the future, like you said when you've been tested and been told it's safe to try again. And this time round they will probably monitor levels and stuff, and help prevent anything like that happening again. Xx

 

[Bella2]

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you have had to go through and that I think you are incredibly brave. It lovely that you have kept lots of sentimental things to remember your baby by. Little Ethan is safe now up with the angels x x x

 

[Merfairy]

Hi.. so sorry for you loss chicken, it is the worst pain ever and I hope you find a way back from the grief you must be feeling. Regarding baby stuff it depends on you and how you think you can cope. If you are going to send them back or pass them on, then do this when you feel you are able to let go, but I also think you might want to keep them for a while as you don't know what the future holds and you may need them.It is your call and only you can make this decision my love based on how you are feeling as each days comes and goes.Wishing you all the bestxx

 

[purplehippy]

Hello,

Everyone is different. How does it feel having baby things in the house?

Both times I lost children, I had to get rid of everything as quick as possible so I could sort myself out. And my dear friend has just been through an agonising ordeal with her baby and has done the same - I've got her moses basket etc because she just couldn't bear to have it in the house.

I'd suggest a loft, or friends or parents loft, so that when you do decide to try again, they are still there. Or, try get a refund or sell as new on ebay, and put the money in a pot for next time so that you can buy more new items again.

I wish I'd been able to hang onto things - I had some wonderful items like the mini moo carrier cover and a great sling carrier. But we do what we do. I cremated my son, and I feel different about the last and prefer not to talk about it.

Be strong and perhaps a friend can hold onto the items until you know what you want to do.

Big hugs x x x