Violent Behaviour at Nursery

[Emily0505]

So Cam started nursery last week.

Today I was called in for a meeting when I went to pick him up.

He has been hitting, pinching, knocking down the other kids toys etc. He has had to have numerous time outs, was saying how he wanted to go and pinch the kid on the nose again etc. They even had to keep him indoors to play with just a few children while the rest went and played outside.

He's got an older brother who lives with his mum so doesn't have to share his toys here at home. He doesn't hit it get hit at home. I knew sharing would be difficult for him but not that he would react so violently.

I don't know what to do to help him! I don't want him to get the reputation for being the class bully or him be the kid that no one else wants to play with. Breaks my heart that his teachers might think he's a horrible little boy.

Feeling like a really shit mum right now.



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[russellmuscle]

Hey Em

Try not to worry, it is a big adjustment for Cam, and probably will just be a phase.

Jackson bit a child at nursery, obviously we dont promote or allow this at home and it never happens. He has been at nursery from 7m and atm hes going through a "everythings Jackson's phase" but working on sharing has helped, mostly just asking can I have a shot of things then returning it to let him know he can have it back. He doesnt have anyone to share with at home, so I practice with him, with toys, fruit etc.. just mostly asking can I have one/a shot etc.

I think its just a good thing to remind him its good to share, and not nice to pinch etc - he will understand and grow out of it.

Dont beat yourself up hun.

xxxx

 

[kumber]

Does he share his toys with you? I think russellmuscle has good advice, do sharing activities with him at home to see if it helps?

 

[Emily0505]

At home he'll share and encourage me to play with him.

He's taken sweets out of his packet to give me one.

He only turned three on 21st August so he's still really young and he's only been at nursery for a week.

I just sort of figured that this was what kids do from time to time but she made it seem like a really big deal- calling me into the office, showing me his behaviour log book!

XX

 

[kumber]

Has he been in nursery long? If not, could it be an adjustment phase? If not, then that's not what it could be. Sorry, I'm not much help. I suppose the nursery need to be seen to be making a thing of it for the benefit of other parents and children but it mustn't half make you feel like crap

 

[Emily0505]

He only started last week.

Today was his fourth session, so he must still be settling in and getting used to things.

Yeah I guess they need to be seen to be doing something like you say, but it has made me feel rubbish!

I'm already feeling emotionally fragile this week, so I could have really done without this!!

XX

 

[Orion]

Every child reacts differently to a change of routine etc. as long as you've tried to teach sharing and good behaviour at home, and he's had the chance to be around other kids and baby groups etc, then there's not much else you could have done to prepare him.

 

[Baby2sky]

I would be asking the nursery about their behaviour policy, how they communicate with your son, are activities provided and planned for which promote positivity and sharing? Are the planned activities challenging him enough? Are they promoting positive praise at every opportunity? Also i personally wouldnt be happy if my 3 year old was kept from playing outside.

I think from what you have said he seems a very kind nice boy and is just trying to adjust to nursery life so i would be more focused on what THEY are doing to continue to nurture the positivity you are showing to him at home xxx

 

[Emily0505]

Yeah, I hadn't thought of that actually!

He can't just not go outside to play while he's at nursery!

He'll never learn how to deal with a situation unless he's given the opportunity. I can understand bringing him indoors for a period of time as consequence for hitting etc but then letting him back out again so he can have the opportunity to be good.

I'm hoping it's just him settling in and he'll learn soon enough but if it continues then I'll need to have more of an in depth discussion about what exactly is going on.

XX

 

[kumber]

It could maybe be his age and a new environment of playing with other children away from the hawk eye of mummy. He probably will stop, and hopefully quickly. I can imagine if the nursery are having words with you then they're on top of his behaviour which is a good thing in that he should, in theory, settle in fairly quickly. I'm a bit surprised they were so blunt with you after only 4 sessions but from what my cousin says goes on in her nursery, they have to cover their backs constantly.

Edit - just seen the other posts, they have far more practical sense than mine!

 

[russellmuscle]

I didnt see that he was kept in from playing outside. I wouldnt have liked that tbh! Thats not a fair way of punishment, when you give a child into trouble your not supposed to then let them watch or know that other children are playing outside. He obviously has to learn concequences for certain things as you say but he is only 3!! and he will learn!!

It is a very big adjustment for a little one to suddenly go from spending days with mummy, sharing with mummy etc to a room full of strangers, with new rules and having to share, and get along nicely with people he doesnt know etc. He will take a bit of time settling in.

I think the nursery have maybe tried to step in and kurb it, but obviously they should have seen this behaviour (and probably worse) before, so perhaps in this case too quick to judge.

As long as you are encouraging positive behaviour at home like you have been doing then work on how the nursery can teach the same positive behaviour.

We havent had any behavioural meetings, but I get a daily journal home. I think its a bit intimidating to whip you into the office! Poor thing, your already going through enough.

I would have another wee meeting with them, go over some of the things you are doing in the house, find out what they advise and that way you are singing off the same hyme sheet - the key word in raising a child is consistency, if theres no consistence, a child will just get confused and act out.

xxxx

 

[Emily0505]

I'll catch up with them tomorrow when I pick him up and see how he's got on.

I did ask what I could do with him at home and she recommended inviting friends/ family over with their kids for play dates and then sit with him and encourage him to share, play gently etc.

I don't know how often I'll be able to do that though as I work four days a week.

I'm surprised they've raised it in such a way. I thought all kids got like it from time to time, surely it's part and parcel of growing up?

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[russellmuscle]

I would say so.. When Jackson bit that little girl I had to sign a form to basically say I acknowledged the incident, but they never says like oh he was kept away from kids or anything. I just assured it wasnt something we were promoting at home.

I think nursery teachers forget its their job to care for children and mummies and daddies normally have other jobs!! Christ, I work 8.30 5pm and at the weekend is our quality time! So I understand it is very difficult to schedule play dates, the thing is though - the problem probably isnt him sharing etc, its probably the fact he is in a new setting - and to keep confusing him with new kids might help but I dont think itll ultimately resolved until Cam is settled into nursery, how nursery is and the other children and different personalities.

Aside from being a toddler, believe it or not, we dont get on or love everyone in life! LOL

xxxx

 

[Emily0505]

I just think they are expecting a lot from him.

He's literally just turned three last month and this is only his second week at nursery!

Of course he's struggling a bit!! It's a huge change for him to have to deal with.

It did really upset me at the time, but then I'm not feeling brilliant already as it should have been my 12 week scan tomorrow. Something like this wouldn't normally upset me quite so much but when you're already feeling on edge things v are harder to handle.

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[russellmuscle]

I know how you mean hun. You are in defense mode as you are feeling vulnerable. And tbf I quite agree with you. Its not nice to have a toddler singled out of a nursery group because they misbehaved - he is a toddler, its what they do!!

I do think they should lay off you and him for a bit, or even if they are really concerned monitor the situation and maybe once a week raise any issues in a controlled manner. I dont think he is being bad on purpose - he really is probably just settling in. Imagine if you were plonked into a room full of completely new people. Itll take time for him to get used to nursery, kids, adults, not seeing you as much - it also takes time for the nursery to adjust and find out Cam's needs - not just tell you basically hes been bad.

xxxx

 

[Emily0505]

Exactly.

He doesn't know them and they don't know him.

I'm sure once he's settled in properly and got used to playing with the other kids his behaviour will improve.

He gave me a dinosaur to play with earlier and asked me to help him build a train track too, so he can share and do cooperative play, it's just a skill that he needs to practice some more that's all.

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[russellmuscle]

Bless him, wee lamb. Sometimes kids are bad? I feel bad giving Jackson a row and seeing him up set but they need to learn and nursery is a big learning curve for kids. Cam is the new kid so he has to make friends, the kids need to get to know him and i know even though jackson is friendly and talks to everyone the nursery have said he quite just likes his own time.. And Cam will find out what suits him best and also build new friends. Alot of kids get off to a bad start one way or another, some dont like being left, some run wild and its all about finding that medium. It has nothing to do with what your doing wrong. Jackson still jas days he doesnt feel like sharing and hes been in that nursery 2 years.

The staff should know this? They also dunno what else you have going on to jump you. I must admit id have shit myself. I did when Jackson bit that wee girl. I felt terrible. Maybe ask what areas hes doing well with as well i dont think for one minute hes going there and running mock from hes in till he goes, broaching a behaviour issue is always best to look at other areas theyr doing well and not just bad....

He will adjust in time and youll forget all about this. Youll see.

Xxx

 

[Laurajcole]

Can I just ask is this a private nursery? Or is this your local authority nursery placement for his free hours?
How many hours/days a week does he go?

I think they have jumped the gun a little bit with this whole situation if I'm honest.
Does he have a specific key worker?
It's such a big adjustment for 3 year olds entering this new situation, and at 3 they are still not fully in control of how to deal and react to these situations. He's just learning. If I were you I'd ask for daily feedback. What was he doing? Who was he playing with etc...
It's such a stressful time for a mum without being made to feel like a bad mum over this.

On the other hand I do see the nursery has a duty of care to the other children, and other parents may have been concerned about his behaviour. But his nursery should realise that it's only his 4th day. He needs a chance.

 

[Emily0505]

It's a nursery in the school he'll attend and he's only doing the fifteen free hours.

He does 9-12 on a Wednesday and 9-3 on a Thursday and Friday.

Yes he does have a key worker although it wasn't her that spoke to me yesterday.

I totally agree that they have a duty of care to the children a and of course his behaviour needs to change. I'm not happy that he is hitting the other children etc. But, being ushered into the office and shown his behaviour log etc made it feel like the focus was in him just being naughty rather than what is being done to help him with it.

I've tried talking to him about it and explaining it's not nice to bash etc and it makes mummy sad and said you don't want to make mummy sad do you? Yes I do he replied!

I'm feeling really anxious about him going there today and I really hope he behaves himself. He's come down with a cold too which won't help if he's feeling poorly.

I just hope he settles in quickly and learns how to play nicely with the other children. He's a very headstrong and exuberant, outgoing little boy and I really think he needs the stimulation of nursery. He always seemed to like the interaction of other children so I'm surprised by the extent of his reactions.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how today goes...

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[ChrissieCool]

I had a hard time when Jake first started, he had only just turned 3 too and is in a school nursery, he did hit out a couple of times and he didn't like to share but after 2 weeks or so he settled in fine. He was spoken to a lot by the teachers on one to one and sometimes had to be put on the thinking spot but they did really a good job with him and now he loves nursery. He just started full days now. It just takes time for them to adjust and they should really sit with him and talk to him and explain and show him how to share and how it can be fun. Hope he has a better day today and so sorry to see you had a mc hope you get your rainbow bfp very soon. xxx


He is so good at school now but can be so naughty at home right now and since having Caleb it's got a lot harder as he used to be the baby of the family, he is getting better at sharing with Caleb now but sometimes he gets mad and takes things from him! honestly if it's not one thing it's another