Torn

[Dovekie]

I don't know whether to accept my exes help (when it's available) or tell him to get out of my life?

He treat me so badly during the pregnancy, withholding affection and sex and saying he didn't love me. It's a long story, but we split up when I was 38 weeks and i moved 2 hours away to be closer to family. Im now in a flat, alone with my 4 week old son. He has stayed one weekend so far to help. He's coming this weekend and next (only because I told him he should) because I'm really struggling on my own.

I still love him and last weekend I practically begged him to get back together or at least remain open about the possibility. My thoughts were that, if he is willing to try that, i could forgive him for what happened. However, if he isn't, I can't ever forgive him as I feel like he never wanted me. Anyway, he refused to even see what happens. I was so angry I kicked him out (he was leaving at that point anyway).

Now, he's due to arrive tomorrow, and I just don't want to be nice to him...... but, I really need the help/rest. Our families want us to be on speaking terms for the sake of our son.

I think he's messed me up, mentally. Rejection when you're pregnant is horrible and I worry how all of the negativity and arguing affected our son.

I don't know what to do? It's such a horrible mess.

 

[Blueclass]

I can understand it must be difficult for you both physically and mentally.

I guess if you really need the help then take it but at least his being honest with you as hard as it is to hear. Also if he was that horrible are you sure you would want to get back with him. Im not sure i would want to risk being treated like that again. Then going through all this heart ache again. Just let him help you whilst you need it and who knows he may change his mind the more ti.w he spends with you and baby. Sorry if thats not helpful.

 

[snowbee]

I hope this doesn't make you feel worse. You can't make someone love you, if he doesn't want to be with you then you need to accept that and move on to trying to establish what works for you both as parents. He treated you badly when you were carrying his baby, if he can't be good to you then he really isn't worth pursuing as a romantic relationship. I wish I had taken my own advice with an ex, he treated me like shit and I still let him carry on when it was clear to everyone apart from me that this was never going to end well. You need the support so let him come over and have the time with his son but try to keep it at that. You never know if you don't push the issue and keep it all about owen thing may change at some point and he might mature and realise what a dick he was, apologise and ask if you want to try again. That doesn't mean you have to and you might not want that sort of relationship by then but who knows.

For now keep it about owen and just see what happens.

 

[Dovekie]

I know it doesn't sound like it would work anyway. I'm just so annoyed as he was full on when we met last year. He said he loved me after 5 weeks. I was really wary. After I found out I was pregnant (a few months later) I began to love him, but we argued so much. He changed his mind about me, whilst my feelings/attachment grew - probably because of the pregnancy.

Not so long ago, when I was 37 weeks, I left to stay with my parents and he came to get me back. He said he wanted to be a family. How can he completely change his mind about that?

I resent him for still having his own life; for being able to help me for a couple of nights, then having a ticket out of here and back to normality. Today he said "I can't stop doing things I normally do" (he's arranging a little holiday with his friend). Well, I had to stop everything I normally do! I can't even go to the toilet when I need to. He's literally just argued with me over who gets an extra hour to sleep tonight (we're taking turns to look after Owen), and he's going home tomorrow and has the day off work (and most of the week)! He's not back for another week.

I don't think I really know what I want to be honest. Just not to be in this situation I suppose :/

 

[Holi]

He sounds like a bell end but I think you should accept the help (however minuscule it is)

I know it seems like he's got it easy (which he has) but honestly you are the one who is going to get the pleasure of seeing your son Day in day out not missing out on any milestone and watch him turn into a beautiful little character - your ex will miss so much. Don't get me wrong it's gonna be really hard but the bond you'll have, your son will adore you. Your his constant, his whole world. Keep up the good work it does get easier! X

 

[nikkix86]

dovekie my youngest sons dad treated me awfully when we were together. like emotional abuse to the point i was just like a shadow of who i used to be. he put me down all the time made me feel like nothing to him. we broke up alot and when my son was born we werent together. we decided to give it another go and it was worse because now we had an innocent little boy around this horrible situation aswell. i wish id done it sooner but when my son was 8 months i finally kicked him out and its been hard im not going to lie but the relationship i have with my son is amazing hes a proper mummies boy and is not close to his dad at all. he sees him once a week but thats it. it took alot of counselling and time to work on myself and me and my new partner have been together 2 years and hes amazing he always makes me feel good about myself and thats what you need

 

[mylullaby]

You probably won't want to hear this, but I really think him staying over night needs to stop. It's not doing anyone any favours. I know that will mean you doing even more of the work, and you're understandably knackered and want help. But you've already said you're feeling messed up - and that you've argued over the extra hours sleep - so I would stick firmly to daytime visits and him staying elsewhere at night and focus on making proper contact arrangements - eg ex gradually taking your LO for longer periods as/when you and baby are both ready for that. I would also be inclined to "hand him over" when your ex visits. So busy yourself getting stuff done or even just having a rest in another room - and leave ex to deal with nappy changes and childcare while he's there. Have you made proper arrangements for him paying maintenance? So sorry you're having to deal with this. He sounds like a total dick treating you like this. It will get better. It just feels so tough now because it's all still so raw. Stop begging him to come back - as the saying goes: "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" You're worth so much more.

 

[nikkix86]

i agree the staying overnight probably isnt the best thing. maybe rest in the day when hes there or have you got family who could let you nap and have owen for a bit? its only going to mess you up

 

[Dovekie]

I agree, him staying over is not doing me any good, especially emotionally. I've told him I don't want to see or speak to him right now, unless we discuss Owen. His parents are visiting for the weekend and he is coming for one night. I've arranged to leave them to it and stay at my parents. I will have to see him when they leave though.

I haven't sorted out maintenance. He's been giving me money and paying for various things so far though.

I think I must be going nuts as I've been trying to persuade him to get back together every few days! I spoke to my Nanna today and she gave me some good advice about it - let him go! Mylullaby, I like what you said about being an option. I'm not even that!

Nikki, my parents help a lot and allow me to have naps. They just won't help out at night, which is the worst part (I'm sure most would agree).

 

[aceofjanine]

If you feel that he's more of a burden to you then you have to let him go.

 

[Kholl]

I know I'm late to the game on this post but I had to chime in. I know it seems on the surface like he's the one who has it easy and who gets the better life somehow because he's shirking his responsibility while you're (biologically, necessarily) bound to your baby day in and day out. But responsibility is not a four-letter word. The greatest gifts in our lives are the ones that come with the most work - along with the greatest potential for growth and self-transformation. Your ex gets to go along being the useless man-child he's been up to this point, and that is shameful. It's also not GOOD for him. His life isn't better because he's avoiding his duty as a father and partner (even though he's no longer your romantic partner - thank GOD- he's still a co-parent who needs to treat you with respect and reverence). He will have a much emptier, less satisfying life. All the good things - the really, deeply satisfying good things - they come with the most work and the most responsibility. I know it's exhausting, I have 3 kids, one of whom was colicky and two of whom never freaking slept the first 2 years of their lives. I know, oh gosh how I know. But I'm a better human being now. I wouldn't trade that for any amount of "freedom" or sleep. You're a better human now too. And he is not. It's a shame, but he's the one who's losing here. He just probably won't see it until it's too late.

 

[Dovekie]

Kholl, you're not late! This is still ongoing. Thanks for reminding me that the best things in life aren't easy This is proving to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. My life is unrecognisable!

My ex has still visited every weekend and stayed over. I feel really low whenever he leaves, and more often than not, I have a go at him for abandoning us. Last weekend he told me he hasn't got a new girlfriend yet (he said he has no interest in women) because he still hasn't got a sex drive. The sex drive was a big issue for me a few months back. I was so annoyed for a number of reasons. Firstly, that he seems to think women are just for sex and, secondly, that he could even consider a new girlfriend after what we've been through recently. I'm sat alone in my flat, stressed out with a (his) demanding baby, crying, with no life of my own, and still love him and want to be a family, and he thinks he could be seeing someone else? To be honest, what woman would want to be with someone who split up with their pregnant girlfriend at 38 weeks and whose ex girlfriend still loves them?

He isn't here this weekend and I'm already feeling stressed. He's trying to arrange to come next weekend but I still don't know what arrangements to make. If he has our son through the day, where would that happen? I couldn't avoid seeing him and still wouldn't have time alone at home.

I told him last week that I'm upset that we're not a family, sharing the responsibility and doing fun things together. He said "we can still do those things!". What? How does that work? Especially when he has girlfriends getting involved. I don't think they'd like those arrangements.

Urgghh, im just so annoyed, stressed and upset. I'd never stop him seeing our son, but sometimes I wish I could :/