My husband U/D3 I'm fuming!

[bunnymom1980]

Update 4/9

Well, I thought things might be going ok until tonight! He's been coming round every evening this week but then going to stop at his brothers girlfriends house, which I'm fine with, it's what we'd agreed. So last night we were discussing going out for a meal friday night because Jacob is staying overnight with his uncle and girlfriend. So then tonight he rather flippantly decides to tell me he's going to his mates friday night instead of going out with me. And then says he'll be round on sunday!!!

I am fuming because he seems to think this arrangement means he can fook off and do what he likes when he likes!!! I've told him that he can't treat me like this and that if he go's to his mates I won't let him know if I go into labour. He didn't answer that comment properly before leaving so he obviously doesn't give a sh*t!!!

Why is this happening to me? This is my worst nightmare come true!!!!
________________________________________________________________________________________________



Me and my husband have been talking after he did his disappearing act last weekend and I'm pretty sure he's suffering from depression. He says he feels useless and that he's no good to me and I'm better off without him.

He says he's felt like this before about 10 years ago and the only thing that helped him was to take off on his own and sort his head out by himself. Obviously that's not really an option and he realises how stupid it was for him to take off last weekend and I've made him promise not to do that to me again. But he says I can't help him that he needs to sort his head out himself. He refuses to go to the doctor or get counselling.

He wants to go to his parents for a bit but I've explained that I need him right now being this close to my due date. Am I being selfish? He said he'd come straight away if I went into labour.

How can I help him?

 

[Red_Fairy]

no its not selfish at all - he is being selfish! I do know how horrible and bad depression is, ive had bouts of it my whole life, but for the fact he refuses to go and 'get help' is him being selfish.
I feel so sorry for you going through this at 38 weeks pregnant - i think he needs a kick up the bum. lol. Seriously tho, i would say that he seeks proffeisonal help or tell him to leave (and that dosent mean he gets to go and stay at mummys house till he feels like coming home! )

 

[Suzie and Faith]

I think it depends where the root of his depression lies. If he is unsure about your relationship then I can sort of understand wanting to get away but if its not specifically that then he should have no reason to need to get away. Sometimes running away is not the answer and you need him there. Can you compromise and suggest that you both spend some time apart during the days/evenings but that you still live together?

It does sound like he needs some help.

It must be really hard on you hope things improve for you xxxx

 

[dannii87]

No you are NOT being selfish!! I'd be fuming!!

If this was me (call me cruel... but this is what I'd do), he'd have to wait until baby is born. YOU need him there for you far more than HE needs time & space IMO.

You might even get to the stage where you just want him away from you and out of your sight through being so damn miserable. I know depression is horrible (I've had one bout of it, never went to the docs though), and I did eventually get through it, but it put HUGE strain on my family.

I don't even know what to say I'd love to say "poor bloke" etc but I just can't... I'm 100% thinking YOU are the one to feel sorry for. Some people when they feel down turn it around on you. It's like a mirror reflecting light, turn it onto someone else "I don't feel good enough for you". He's damn right!! Sorry hun, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear...

I don't know I just want to give you a huge squeeze, him a big slap and sprinkle some happy dust over you both and make everything alright. If only things were that simple.

I hope you both get through this xxx

 

[bunnymom1980]

I hate him, I hate myself and I hate this whole bloody situation. And I feel sorry for this baby in the middle of it all.

He said to me last night that if he stays he can't see things getting better and we'll end up splitting up, and I said that he's got to understand he he goes now thats it, there's no going back, we will have split up. He keeps going on about a 'trial seperation'. I'm not being unreasonable am I? He can't expect me to let him go and then come back when he wants to, when he's decided whether he wants me or not!

I feel a wreck, I hardly slept last night which I know isn't good for me or the baby.

The thought had crossed my mind whether to call it a day now and at least preserve some dignity instead of letting him do this to me and keep me hanging.

 

[budge]

Me and my husband have been talking after he did his disappearing act last weekend and I'm pretty sure he's suffering from depression. He says he feels useless and that he's no good to me and I'm better off without him.

He says he's felt like this before about 10 years ago and the only thing that helped him was to take off on his own and sort his head out by himself. Obviously that's not really an option and he realises how stupid it was for him to take off last weekend and I've made him promise not to do that to me again. But he says I can't help him that he needs to sort his head out himself. He refuses to go to the doctor or get counselling.

He wants to go to his parents for a bit but I've explained that I need him right now being this close to my due date. Am I being selfish? He said he'd come straight away if I went into labour.

How can I help him?

let him go to his parents for a week. Phone him if you go into labour or need him urgently - otherwise leave him be. Like he says this has happened before and he knows how he needs to deal with it. Try and be patient and understanding. After a week at his mums phone hm and say its time he came home now becasue you need him there and you've given him a little space. If he is reasonable then he will return.

 

[widowwadman]

Depression is a horrible, irrational state of mind. I feel for both of you. It's difficult to call someone who's in an acute stage "selfish". Of course it kind of is, and certainly appears so to their environment, however if you're trapped in it yourself, it's near impossible to find a way out, and especially the obvious ones (GP etc) seem blocked.

It might be even the closeness to the due date which brought this on. This is not an excuse for anything and won't make it any easier for you, but I guess it's a lot of pressure which easily can trigger depression.

Thing is, if a weekend, or even a week away does not sort it out, he will need councelling or at least a talk about the happy pills. Mind, they take a while to kick in, too. Another short term remedy is a lot of physical action. I know when at the peak of a depressive episode it's the least you think you want to do, but it helps. Sport climbing helped me more than a 3 month stay in a loony bin.

Anyway, not sure what the best advice is. Reassure him that you're there for him and offer to listen. I know it's hard for you, especially since you're in need of support yourself, but that's the biggest help. Just knowing somebody is there. Back off though and don't nag, that just reinforces everything negatively, no matter how well meant. Try to assess how bad it is. Should he harm himself or show intention to harm himself, call for help. I really hope that it's not that bad, but just be aware that there are some things you won't be able to deal with on your own.

Best of luck, to both of you

 

[Slinky Sarah]

LJ has depression...as much as he wont admit it or get help its obvious he has (its why we split really....exactly the same excuses as what your OH is saying...not deserving me etc.)

Just support him in what he asks hun. if hes said he will be back as soon as you call then trust that. Of course last weekend will play on your mind about his phone being off though.

Do whatever you feel is best hun. But i honestly cant agree and say hes being selfish. I honestly think that he feels its the best thing right now and has to do it.

He is ill hun, if you feel you can support him then do. If you cant then i would walk away.

 

[leckershell]

He is ill hun, if you feel you can support him then do. If you cant then i would walk away.

Agreed x

 

[bunnymom1980]

I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said right now the answers no. So he left Friday night to go to his mums but he left there Sat morn and no ones seen him since.

I sent him a text message today just saying 'where are you, are you ok?' and he just replyed saying 'i'm fine'.

I am totally devastated.

 

[Manda&Thomas]

aww hun i dont no what to say

xx

 

[fran_23]

so sorry to hear this hunny
do you think he has someone else? or do you think he might be on his own somewhere?
I really hope after a bit of space and clearing his head he changes his mind. Not the best timing but if he is ill then i guess he can't help it, i just really feel for you thtg would be a hard pill to swallow generally but you especially don't need this kind of extra stress when you are about to have a new baby! I hope he comes straight away when you go ino labour!! We're all here for you hun and you can PM anytime if you want to chat. Thinking of you

 

[dannii87]

I'm going to lay my head on the chopping board and say I still think he's being selfish. I'm not saying "So what? He's got depression? And?" but step away from the situation and see - There is one person who has depression, clearly in a hole of their own and not willing to do anything about it, another beside herself with worry and concern - about to have a baby at any given moment!!! Oh and not to mention the fact you have a 10 year old relying on you to be there!

I do think it's crazy. If a woman was feeling depressed and walked out on her children with little explanation and switched her phone off and just seemed to disappear, I can almost guarantee she'd be seen as "selfish" by a large majority.

I'm being suspicious if I'm honest hun. Not sure why, but I think the "depressed" thing might be a cover up for something else. I might be completely wrong and I'm open to all theories, but I just think that someone who doesn't think they "are good enough for you" would treat you like this by leaving you with no explanation with only a week to go before you're due.

I can only say what I THINK I would do. It's all well and good trying to break the situation down and how he's feeling and trying to analyse what's going on in his head etc. Truth is, no-one knows. We only have one fact at the moment, and that is the fact that he's upped and left.

So... Where do you go from here? Personally, I would just focus on yourself, your lad and your little girl (who will be arriving shortly!! ). I wouldn't contact him and would just leave him to get on with it. You, baby & Jacob are priorities now. He has removed himself from being part of that. Make sure you have another birthing partner at the ready and just text him when you're in labour to let him know.

I cannot sympathise enough with you I really can't. I just feel like nothing I can say is going to make things any better, but just make sure you have another birthing partner lined up. I wouldn't trust him completely that he would drop everything to be by your side the minute he hears you're in labour (my personal opinion, if it were me in this situation, I wouldn't believe him).

Anyway, after all the negativity in this last post (I'm sorry hun ) you never know... Once your daughter is here things might suddenly slide into perspective for him. He might realise that he DOES need help from the Drs and seeks it. He might turn up while you're in labour and everything just clicks into place and his responsability is staring him in the face when he holds your daughter for the first time. It could happen. There is still hope.

I'm always here for you hun... There are loads of us on the forum doing this single handedly and we all manage fine in the end.

Thinking of you xxx

 

[lea m]

No I do totally agree with Dannii!
As someone who has suffered with depression for over 8 years I know what it feels like and can honestly say that I wouldnt be refusing treatment and walking out on my family and children!
Yes of course he may have depression and as I dont know him I cant say he does or doesnt for that matter but what I will say is that so many people jump on the "oh Im depressed" bandwagon when they dont want to deal with something and use it to take an easy way out of a situation! If he is depressed then going and staying at his mams wont cure it! So whats really the point!?
When Im bad the thought of getting away from it all is a good one! But its not my family I want to get away from! Its my own head! So i go and see the doc and get help!

 

[lfc_sarah]

Aw hun

 

[A&J]

 

[mummykay]

 

[~*Leanne*~]

awww hun

 

[Slinky Sarah]

im still with what i said before tbh....

atm it is my family and everyone i want to get away from BECAUSE i dont want to hurt them anymore and i dont deserve to be around them. I feel like iam putting doctors and everyone else out when i talk to them (ok the doc hasnt helped that). Granted it is a very very awkward time for this to happen, and tbh i know how it feels to be on the end of it when your OH leaves cos of depression.

All im saying is depression affects everyone differently. I dont think either or you are selfish tbh

i Do hope he comes though when baby comes

 

[Tina & Gabs]