Surname issue..

[Jayceesmumma]

Wasnt sure where to post this.. im sure it will be moved if need be..

Im debating on this babys surname.. I much prefer OHs surname to mine but i dont want baby to have different surname to me as my girls have and its upsetting not only me but my eldest as she hates her surname (reminds her of her c**t of a dad) so much that ive had to change it at school and go through court to try to change it (still in the process)
Both the girls have different surnames (same dad) as he promised me marriage etc so i put her name as his.. then it all went wrong.. so when we had our second i had it double barrelled which annoyed him.. we split up 4 weeks after she was born so wish i just gave her my name but we had her registered very soon after she was born.

Ive only been with my new OH a short while (baby will be born the week of our 1yr anniversary) but know hes the right one for me and my girls and we have both spoken about marriage etc.. I dont want history to repeat itself and i dont want a different name to all three of my kids! he said when we get married the girls can take his name too if they want to.. which would be great so we all have the same name..

Problem is im not sure if the pressure of a new baby will split us up or make us strongwer.. its wrong of me to live in the past but i dont want to make mistakes.. we have 6 weeks to register baby.. i want to get married before we register but he wants to wait til we have enough money to have a decent wedding..

I have suggested getting married then have a blessing when we have the money but he said no..
My mum suggested i cange my name to his.. but it wouldnt feel right or the same..

I dont know what to do.. i dont want my girls to feel pushed out anymore than they may to with my new OH and 'our' baby.. Ellie is already feeling jealous of my niece and i want my girls to be happy 100% theyve been through enough.
My OHs family have said they will be upset if baby isnt in his name but i explained about the girls needing to accept baby etc and they said they understood.. dont know if thats true or not as i feel very pushed out atm with them.. she only wants to go shopping with her family and my OH for baby stuff but never invites me.. although she is very nice to me and my girls.. Im confused on that one.

Plus i dont know if its right to name a child 'Thornley-Rose'

Sorry for the long one but im really stuck on this and i dont know what to do

 

[Jayceesmumma]

My daughters are 'Miles', and 'Thornley-Miles'.. Im 'Thornley' and he is 'Rose'..
Our baby may be 'Thornley-Rose' and our entire 'family' will have different surnames

 

[Princess81]

It's a tough call. I dunno what to suggest. My cousin gave all her kids her surname so they are all the same even though they have different dads, though she never had any intention of settling with the dads
Our is having o/h's surname, never really considered anything different x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Its hard coz i had a bad domestic voilence issue with the girls dad to the name infuriates me every time i have to say it and it upsets jaycee and she demands that she is just Thornley.. so at school ive changed both names to mine just trying to do it legally now..

I dont want to have to have a deed poll with every birth certificate i have..
i want my baby to have my OHs name and i know he will NEVER be like my ex.. im just worried it will affect the kids and myself (selfish i know) if we split up etc.. he believes kids should have the dads surname no matter what and we have a huge row over it, but now he has agreed to Thornley-Rose which is a big decision for him to make.. maybe he just knew he was fighting a losing battle and just agreed with me

 

[tinks77]

Can't offer any advice really but if you get married after you register the baby you have to re-register but not sure wether you could then change baby's surname to your partners then.
Might be worth calling the registration office and see if they could give you any advice

 

[Lisa_85]

i cant really offer advice fromyour situation, but i havent been with my BF long and i spoke to him about the surname, he said he would love the baby to in his surname but would understand if i didnt.

At the minute im Stammers and half way through a divorce, his name is Parnaby and my maiden name is Davison. Crumpet will be Davison and as soon as i have my divorce papers i will be Davison, i dont want to risk it not working out and having a seperate name to the baby and ive already said that if i ever got married again then that person would have to be willing to take my name as i wouldnt change it again.

Dont feel bad about how you feel, as long as OH is listening to your feelings and opinions then you's will sort something out

xx

 

[Constantstar]

I've been with my fella for almost 6 years but we are not married. Baby will take his surname. It feels odd knowing I'm going to have a diff last name to baby but ultimately baby is mine and always will be and a name isn't going to change that it my opinion xx

 

[HeppiBean]

I'm not really sure what to suggest hun but Francesca is having her Dads name, never considered anything else tbh :/ x

 

[JJ Mum]

Both my sister and I had kids before we wed. My older three kids were at the time 4.5, 2.5 and 1.5 years old when I got married, they all have the same dad, but I decided to give them OH's surname when born.
My older sister chose to give her daughter a double barrel name on the paperwork , her surname - his surname, but just use his surname. If anything went wrong , she was just going to drop his name and use her surname as already on the birth cert.

I would have thought Thornley Rose is a lovely name, and then your other kids will be just Thornley by then, so really you will have the Thornley in common and when you do marry, how about your name is Thornley Rose too, both you and OH? Then you will have 2 Thornleys, and 3 Thornley Rose's?

Am I making sense or rambling?

Ooh just thought, have a baby girl and call her Rose!! and all be Thornleys!! problem sorted

 

[cosmicgirl]

I really want to change one of my ds's surnames but have been told by a solicitor that I have no chance as my ex husband still has (rare) contact! x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I really want to change one of my ds's surnames but have been told by a solicitor that I have no chance as my ex husband still has (rare) contact! x

You can either get him to agree to it.. prove he is no longer around and you cant find him.. or go to court. Im in the process of going thru courts.. i went with his own mother and she said the kids were better off in my name.. he didnt even turn up.. i have a prohibited steps order on him (he cant have contact with the kids or be near their school) and hasnt bothered to try and see them for two years... hyet the judge still couldnt make his damn mind up and wanted to try and find him.. this was in nov last yr.. been trying to contact them again but seems i will need a solicitor as they wont listen to me.. going to contact my previous solicitor who got the PSO and the injunction against him for me the previous yr..

Go to court and convince the judge why its better for your ds to have your name.. depending on how old he is he may be able to attend and have his opinion too. My dd is 7 and she cries if u call her miles..

im having such a hard time with everything atm like the name and letting someone be a dad.. im used to doing it all myself with no help etc.. not like a control freak but im used to doing it all and not 'sharing' my kids.. i dont know how im going to manage that. i dont want it ripping us apart

If i were to get married i would want to take his name..

I wont have to re register the baby just have a deed poll.. and have to have a birth cert and deed poll for everything ie passport..

I wish i double barrelled my first daughters name.. with my second its easy to just drop the second name.. but for my eldest its alot harder but im going to do it for her. she deserves it.

Shes never called him dad, only by his first name and truely doesnt want anything to do with him. Ive never agreed with telling ur kids bad things about their dad (until they are old enough-sick of coving for his deadbeat ass!!) so the decision is all hers and im so happy for that.

Lisa85 you must understand how im feeling then.. its just being cautious.. but i dont wanna ruin things with my new OH coz of my old one.. y'no?

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Both my sister and I had kids before we wed. My older three kids were at the time 4.5, 2.5 and 1.5 years old when I got married, they all have the same dad, but I decided to give them OH's surname when born.
My older sister chose to give her daughter a double barrel name on the paperwork , her surname - his surname, but just use his surname. If anything went wrong , she was just going to drop his name and use her surname as already on the birth cert.

I would have thought Thornley Rose is a lovely name, and then your other kids will be just Thornley by then, so really you will have the Thornley in common and when you do marry, how about your name is Thornley Rose too, both you and OH? Then you will have 2 Thornleys, and 3 Thornley Rose's?

Am I making sense or rambling?

Ooh just thought, have a baby girl and call her Rose!! and all be Thornleys!! problem sorted

Theres no way he would be Thornley-Rose! Plus id want to take his name if we wewre to marry..
He also said he would like the girls to take his name if they wanted to (which i think they would tbh)

 

[clairebear22]

We've always had different surnames in our family. My Mum was Candler which is her Maiden name until she married my Step-Dad and now she's McLachlan, me & my Brother are Herrington's and our Brother ans Sister who have a different Dad are Hughes'. Never bothered us growing up but I understand your concerns totally.

My baby boy has my OH's Surname, I didn't even hesitate to give it to him, but it's everyones own personal choice x

 

[Lisa_85]

Lisa85 you must understand how im feeling then.. its just being cautious.. but i dont wanna ruin things with my new OH coz of my old one.. y'no?



[/QUOTE]

I do understand in a way, after realising that even marriage doesnt last forever im not about to risk giving crumpet the fathers surname just incase we dont work because i dont want the confusion between this child and the possible next one no matter what the age gap if they were to be from different dads. they would know who there father is but i would want them to feel that they are a strong family and that no matter what kind of dad they have they can rely on there mother and always know that because we share the same surname.

But i can only relate as far as that because as i said if the possibility of marriage ever came up the man would be taking my surname or we would just keep our own names.

I never used to think i would have a problem with a surname but i dont think its fair the baby having my married name as that would not only be rude and hurtful and disrespectful to the father but to my ex as he couldnt have his own children so i have no choice really but to take my maiden name back and my own preference is the baby takes my surname and i think i would only think differently if i was married to the ex stil and then children came along after being married.

Not sure if this is helpful or if im just rambling on now.. sorry
xx

xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

We've always had different surnames in our family. My Mum was Candler which is her Maiden name until she married my Step-Dad and now she's McLachlan, me & my Brother are Herrington's and our Brother ans Sister who have a different Dad are Hughes'. Never bothered us growing up but I understand your concerns totally.

My baby boy has my OH's Surname, I didn't even hesitate to give it to him, but it's everyones own personal choice x

I can understand that situation as you have different dads.. active dads im assuming..

My youngest doesnt even know her dad (his choice) and my eldest hates him.. but they want to be a proper family.. its all my eldest has wanted.. a proper daddy breaks my heart

I just want to create a stable family life.. why did this happen so soon

I dont want the girls to feel left out when i have a baby with Scott.. that baby will have a mummy and daddy whereas they dont.. i dont wanna rub salt in the wound by it having his name too.. but then i feel bad on him.. my irls come first and he knows that.. so i may stick with Thornley-Rose.. even though Rose is a much nicer surname

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Lisa85 you must understand how im feeling then.. its just being cautious.. but i dont wanna ruin things with my new OH coz of my old one.. y'no?

I do understand in a way, after realising that even marriage doesnt last forever im not about to risk giving crumpet the fathers surname just incase we dont work because i dont want the confusion between this child and the possible next one no matter what the age gap if they were to be from different dads. they would know who there father is but i would want them to feel that they are a strong family and that no matter what kind of dad they have they can rely on there mother and always know that because we share the same surname.

But i can only relate as far as that because as i said if the possibility of marriage ever came up the man would be taking my surname or we would just keep our own names.

I never used to think i would have a problem with a surname but i dont think its fair the baby having my married name as that would not only be rude and hurtful and disrespectful to the father but to my ex as he couldnt have his own children so i have no choice really but to take my maiden name back and my own preference is the baby takes my surname and i think i would only think differently if i was married to the ex stil and then children came along after being married.

Not sure if this is helpful or if im just rambling on now.. sorry
xx

xxx[/QUOTE]


Youve been very helpful, thanks
I understand how you need to give the baby ur name.. and why youd want him to take ur name or keep own names..

If i get married id want to take his name.. and the kids would want to too.. so maybe keep my girls Thornley, this baby Thornley-Rose as a comprimise and if we were to marry we could all be Rose's (if the girls choose to)

Just hate to keep messing about with their names

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Plus Rose is a much nicer sounding name and it goes with almost everything!! lol

 

[Lisa_85]

i think that is the best idea, at least when marriage arrives you can give them the option to choose what they would like to do with their surname, no doubt they would love to all have the same name so its just a matter of time really (and money lol.... weddings arent cheap)

How is the baby? and yourself? do you have a nickname for it until it arrives?

xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Yeah i kinda wanted to get married before we register the baby but he wants a big wedding so doubt it will be for a long time yet!!

We have no nickname yet i want one tho lol! We called it 'the blob' or 'blobby' when we had early scans as thats all it was.. a blob lol but i just cant call it that anymore lol!

Im not too bad.. was suffering from bad migraines etc but theyve eased off now.. still hurts but not leaving me Bedbound! baby seems fine atm.. feisty little buger tho lol

How about you?xx

 

[Lisa_85]

Ive been sooo lucky, this is my first pregnancy and ive had no problems at all, just a lot of tiredness, but no headaches or morning sickness, thankfully.. We call our baby crumpet because i didnt like saying 'it' and i have always loved crumpets and for a whole weekend i just ate them, its a lil cute and not pushing to boy/girl either, although we are having a scan next week becasue it was hiding its little bum last week (im secretly hoping it will be keeping its legs crossed as im team yellow, but my BF would like to know and i couldnt say no to an extra scan ) have you felt the baby? i just felt some tiny movements since Monday night, very few and far between but they are amazing! i cant wait for them to be stronger for BF to feel them too.

i feel like everytime something new happens im just wishing for the next thing to come i should really just enjoy every moment but its so exciting and hard not to think about 'the next stage'

xx