Surname issue..

[Jayceesmumma]

Things would be so much easier if we were married
we spoke about marriage alot before the baby, but now its really taken a back seat.
he wants a big wedding and wants to wait til we can afford it.. which is fine.. but i dont think we need a big expensive wedding.. its more of just a party like that i suggested getting married in a reg office for the sake of the baby (and that we love each other, just speeding it up for the baby) and have a blessing when we can afford it.. but he refuses. I dont think he wants to marry me anymore.. these pregnancy hormones have made me a right misery recently we dont even talk about it anymore. we used to look venues up and dresses etc.. but i darent watch dont tell the bride with him around coz it makes me feel awkward for some reason..?

 

[marshma]

have u asked him why he is so against the registry office idea?

 

[Jayceesmumma]

He just prefers to have a big wedding.. in a fancy hotel or church.. i suppose his idea of a reg office is just a mini court room type.. not romantic at all.. but i watch dont tell the bride and four weddings and ive seen some lovely registry office weddings..
tbh i think it may just be an excuse to hold off

 

[Lisa_85]

Hey Jayceesmumma... i was just thinking about this post and on Friday i had the much dreaded conversation of... 'Lisa i think crumpet should have my surname'

All i could think was oh no... so i asked him why he thought crumpet should have his name rather than mine, he pretty much only had the reason of he is the father and its how it should be, so i came back with well i am the mother and were in no position to be talking about marriage because that would be a no. So while i am the mother still living with my mother then crumpet will take my name because given the early days of our relationship im being very realistic in thinking we may not be together forever and i dont ever want to have a surname different to my childs.

I think he realised that i wasnt going to change my mind so he just asked if he day came that we ever did get married would all 3 of us have the same name... i said yes.

My decree nisi is decided today and tbh im not thinking about marriage at all in my future but if it makes him feel better about the surname then i will agree, i dont see the need to have a conversation that 1 may never happen or 2 can cause an argument.

xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Well done! And very well worded, im glad your OH is very understanding. My Oh said the same about being the father.. if i didnt have my girls i think he would fight to the death on babys name ! But hes only (kinda) agreed on Thornley-Rose as its better for the kids. I offered marriage before we register the baby so we can all be the same, but hes stalling that so thats his choice. I think he agreed to Thornley-Rose to shut me up, coz hes just realising that im not gonna budge.. and says the boys name we have wont go with the surname now.. coz he knows i love the name..
Its not nice living with different surnames to your children (all of them!!) and the fact my eldest has her fathers name (not double barrelled) hurts.. hes a c*nt and she hates the name as much as i do!

Gotta get my arse in ear and get a solicitor to get their names finally changed!!! Got a crappy cold atm i gotta be fit and well to deal with this. especially if i have to face the evil sh*t!

 

[Lisa_85]

well take it easy and get better before you start it! you dont want added stress ontop of a cold to make you feel worse.

i think you have settled for the best idea, and in my opinion if you have offered a simple marriage before baby arrives and he is the one refusing then i dont see how he should choose the name, your being very kind and thoughtful for everyone... you, him and kids xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thanks I was worried I was being unfair or seeming to force him into marriage.. But we spoke of marriage before the bfp and he says we will get married as soon as we have the money, but we both know that's gonna take a while. Maybe he needs to get his head around being a dad first before being a husband, he's only 21 and it was a shock to the system!

 

[marshma]

I suppose the problem is babies always had Dad's name and thats mainly because back in the day 99% of kids were born into marriage and obviously times have changed.
I remember my friend arguing with her oh before they got married about babies name and his reason for wanting the baby to have his surname instead of his was 'you can always argue paternity, you can never argue maternity'

 

[l_maclean]

I dont really have any experience in this are - so am basically just offering an opinion based on everyone elses posts - so feel free to completely ignore it.

I can see why your unsure about giving new baby OH's name - but maybe it would help you to relax a bit and let go of the fear he'll be like your ex. Insisting on your name at least barreled might be making OH feel like your not very sure about him - something which can cause problems.

It might also let your girls see that this family is for keeps - especially if you eventually take his name as well - something they might want to join you in.

xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Yeah im concerned it will cause friction.. and i know its unfair for me to hold back in the relationship in case history repeats.. im struggling but trying my best.. ive explained it all to him in hope that he will not take anything personally its just how i am and ive promised i will try my best to get better.. in all aspects of the relationship not just names..
I wouldnt want the kids to feel like they arent a part of the family if the baby has his name.. i think they should all have the same name i want them to be okay with it all, im worried that they will be affected and i want things to go smoothly with the new addition.. its hard for a new baby to come into the family sometimes and even harder when its a new dad.. I just want to do whats best for the girls mainly.. i know i have to consider him too 100% but my main priority is the kids.. and he knows that and understands it fully which is great
Ive suggested baby be Thornley-Rose and known as Rose.. so legally Thornley-Rose and chosen name Rose..
he agrees sometimes but other times he says it has to be Rose so im not sure where we stand on this. I think he may be agreeing to shut me up

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I would say you had a very good chance through the Courts. The Judge would be sympathic to the predicament your in esp if your eldest is of the opinion she wants the same surname as younger child. If I were you I would give it a go! If you cant afford a solicitor and Legal aid wont cover - I can help you draft all the forms etc xx

Ive got an even worse cold now but im going to try and get to the courts tomorrow, ive sent them countless detailed emails and they never answer the phone..

If i get a residence order will the take away his full parental responsibility?
and will his mother have 'grandmothers rights' still? she is poison and i dont want her having access alone with the girls

 

[Jayceesmumma]

We finally had a serious talk about it last night and he has agreed to Thornley-Rose.
Im glad we have come to an agreement, but i still feel bad for denying the baby his name

I have an appointment with a solicitor who dealt with the previous probs i was having (prohibited steps order and injunction n my ex) in a hope to get the girls surnames changed asap.. ite been a year now and ive got nowhere by myself they just dont take anyone seriously

 

[l_maclean]

Thats really good to hear. xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thank you x