Somebody pls help me am i being unreasonable!! **update pg3*

[hennaly]

Im pretty sure she can fight him as much as she likes but no court in the world will stop him seeing his son without good reason especially if she passes him off with other people anyway.
It will change but only if you fight for it and he should want to fight to see his son as much as she wants to fight for him not to.
Also i meant you need to include him with getting excited about the baby not by taking him out and spoiling him as such.

 

[JayK2387]

My DH has 2 daughters from his previous marriage, and has had all sorts of problems with his ex. When we moved to France she refused to let him see them - despite him paying her over £1000 a month maintainance for years!

She basically uses the children as a weapon and its just not on at all.........My DH does see them now, but not as often as he would like as although we are living back in the UK, the children live a good 2.5 hours away.

Both your OH and his ex need to sit down and discuss the situation properly, the fact that they obviously dont get on is totally irrelevant - its the child thats important here, and not their feelings! They made the child, so they need to ensure he has a proper and stable upbringing! His behaviour is steming from the way his parents are behaving!

On the other hand I do sympathise, its not easy having step children.....and sometimes its very difficult to accept them, especially when they are causing trouble in your life with your OH!

Thankyou hun - that makes a lot of sense.

I suppose it is easier to understand when you've actually been through it.

xx

 

[Morganuk]

Hpw can anyone resnt a child, thats just immature and selfish imo.

 

[JayK2387]

PLus i never realised how many rights fathers DONT have when it comes to their children.

Completely understand the fathers for justice now.

xx

 

[Morganuk]

My DH has 2 daughters from his previous marriage, and has had all sorts of problems with his ex. When we moved to France she refused to let him see them - despite him paying her over £1000 a month maintainance for years!

She basically uses the children as a weapon and its just not on at all.........My DH does see them now, but not as often as he would like as although we are living back in the UK, the children live a good 2.5 hours away.

Both your OH and his ex need to sit down and discuss the situation properly, the fact that they obviously dont get on is totally irrelevant - its the child thats important here, and not their feelings! They made the child, so they need to ensure he has a proper and stable upbringing! His behaviour is steming from the way his parents are behaving!

On the other hand I do sympathise, its not easy having step children.....and sometimes its very difficult to accept them, especially when they are causing trouble in your life with your OH!

Thankyou hun - that makes a lot of sense.

I suppose it is easier to understand when you've actually been through it.

xx

People dont need to of gone through it to understand that this child is clearly not stable and that the adults are not putting everything into sorting it out.

 

[ShineyHappyPeople]

If your willing to work it out with your oh, maybe getting a solictor might be the answer so you can legally agree on when you see the little boy and least it will give you all some sort of routine to get used to and so his mum can't use him?

 

[hennaly]

PLus i never realised how many rights fathers DONT have when it comes to their children.

Completely understand the fathers for justice now.

xx

that isnt always the case, my ex has the same rights as me and we share the kids 50 50 in fact i would say he gets more than me as the coning git claims all the benifits for them

 

[ShineyHappyPeople]

PLus i never realised how many rights fathers DONT have when it comes to their children.

Completely understand the fathers for justice now.

xx

Same here.

 

[fran_23]

I shouldn't be in here either but i wanted to say something. I think your hormones are magnifing how you feel! I have a son whos nearly 2 and a half his dad now has a new girlfriend and the thought of them two playing happy families with our son it really hurts and upsets me, i do not want the new girlfriend anywhere near my son. So i can kind of see his exes point of view why shes been akward and said she doesnt want the 3 yr old at your house etc..i know it seems unfair and psychotic but when your little girl is born imagine how you would feel if your OH left you and wanted him and his new partner to look after her at there home...its gut wrenching no matter how "over" that person you are!
You have to remember he is 3 and he never asked for this..his mum and dad are split up and now he has had a new person to get used to and must feel like daddy will love the new baby more and he will be pushed out..the tummy hitting etc although it must be horrible for you..he is only 3 they are not really fully capable of being spiteful in that way he is probably just feeling very rejected and not part of your new family...i feel for you too i'm not having a go but your hormones are making it all seem too much for you and although it is hard work your OH created a life before he was with you that he is responsible for and he comes as a package and as for his ex/the mother..i know it sucks but she is a part of both of your lives forever, not IN your lives but a part none the less as the mother of his child. just be a bit more patient and try to understand it from there point too..it must be hard for all of you!! Your OH is with you now and you'll have your own family but it has to include his 1st son- if you want no part of that then tell him now and he could spend time with his son at his mums house or somewhere neutral and at least you are supporting him to see his son but you are not a part of the sons life...then maybe slowly in the future you let him become more a part of your life!

 

[EllieBelle]

PLus i never realised how many rights fathers DONT have when it comes to their children.

Completely understand the fathers for justice now.

xx

It really depends on what the Courts decided, thats if the situation ever went to court....??
My DH has joint custody of his children, although they reside with his ex wife! She had no right to stop him from seeing them when we moved to France for a year, but as it was only a short term thing, he didnt want to upset the children by dragging the situation through the court - they are 6 and 11 so a bit older than your OH's son.

Im very lucky and have 2 lovely and well balanced step children, but that is mainly as their parents both have their best interests at heart!

 

[Anna23]

in my personal view i think all parties involved need to take a step back and think of this poor boy, he is 3 and his mum is on and off with him seeing his dad, to a child that is a punnishment (not his or your oh's fault oviously but at 3 i doubt he understands that) so he is oviously going to be jelouse of this baby, also if i have read correctly his mum works alot and his Aunt has him so basicly there is this poor 3 year old who is passed from pillar to pillar and probaly hears his mum slaging off the fact your having another child (probaly jelousy, and i know i am jumping to comclusions here) i would say he is just attention seeking, he doesn't hate the unborn baby i don't think at the age of 3 they can hate someone, i mean as tots they have so much feelings/emotions and need guidance to control their emotions and guidance to deal with them also to understand them, i expect this child is going through so much he is lashing out he needs stability i would recomend your oh get things set in stone by mabe going to a solicotor and orgnising times that suit him, you and this ex to see his son. I totaly sympafise with you hun but mabe you could push your oh to sort this out as it's not fair on all parties involved and the 2 most important people in this is your oh's son AND your unborn child as i can understand you want whats best for her and him and i'm sure your oh wants whats best for both children too, also your a part of this family i know it's hard but perserverance and showing this child love he in time will get better, and if you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby alone with him then so be it at the end of the day the baby is a baby and needs pretecting from harm which i'm sure you will do your best to do

i hope that makes sence i'm not very good at explaning things in writing its much easier in person lol

 

[Jen & Her Men]

If Im honest hun then yes i do think your being unreasonable..or at least approaching it in completely the wrong way. Im not having a go as its so easy for judgement to become skewed when pregnant - all those hormones whizzing around and your maternal instinct kicking in to protect your unborn child etc.

HOWEVER, this baby boy is just that - a baby boy. He doesnt understand what is happening or why his mummy stops him from seeing daddy and is probably very scared and confused and especially so now that he is learning that daddy is going to have another baby who he will see all the time whilst this little boy gets precious little time with him..

His mother IS definitely using her son as a weapon, but by saying your going to keep out of his life...tbh your no better....I understand your intentions are not malicious towards this boy but at the end of the day he is a dependent little baby who needs his daddy and some stability in his life. And if you choose to be with his daddy then you also have to accept responsibility to be part of that stability for the little boy.

Imagine how your poor OH must be feeling - his ex is being a bitch by keeping his son away from him, and his current partner is saying that she doesnt want anything to do with his son!! Thats one sh*tty place to be in for him.

I think you need to take a step back and work out whether you can be level headed enough to be in a relationship with someone who has a child from a previous relationship - I myself have been that kid and know how difficult it can be for everyone involved. Thats not to say that with a bit of effort things wont improve - but you have to be prepared to put the effort in in the first place. I know you say you have but you have only been with this guy for less than 12 months and he has hardly seen his son in that time so honestly, can you really say you have had the time to really make a difference in this little boys life?? I personally dont think that the 10 month time frame you have been in his life is long enough for u to make a difference, especially as your mind has been on your own baby and being pregnant for the past 3 months or so...

If you do decide that you want to try and make a go of it, I think the most important thing to do would be to seperate the issue of the mother away from the little boy. She is clearly a pain in the arse and the fact that he is her son I think is clouding your judgement. You need to just focus on him and the fact that he is your OHs son. So when she is being a cow or whatever that doesnt reflect on him and you are doing all you can to make sure that he feels secure and WANTED with you.

Babies are very perceptive and he will sense your resentment no matter how well you think you cover it up. You need to afford him the same understanding that you would do your daughter...after all you are his step mum.

I have a step father who resented my existence from the word go..he met my mum when I was 3. All I ever wanted was for him to love me and accept me and it never happened and it f*cked me up big time when I was in my teens. You have to accept that if you choose to be with your OH you are also responsible for his child - his welfare and his emotional stability. If you cant accept that then I would say you seriously need to think about moving on....

 

[claire_louise]

right hmmmm ... i dont think you're meaning to be unreasonable, but im not sure you've worded it the way you mean it exactly, which is understandable its an emotional situation

i dread to think what the little boys mum is putting into his head. i feel sorry for him, he's probably very confused and upset at only seeing his daddy once in a while.

i was seeing someone who had 2 little girls, he had them every weekend for 6 months, then when they started nursery his ex demanded to have them every other weekend, his first weekend in 6 months without the girls he came to spend with me,she found out and phoned him demanding he come and pick his kids up cos she wanted to go out used to do my head in, i had to step back and let him and his ex sort things out in the end


good luck hun

 

[sam08]

I havent read all the posts but all i can say is if you arent in a step parent family where you fella has kids from a previous relationship you have absoloutly no idea how it makes you feel and the emotions you go through. Then when you are pregnant it's even harder! I totally understand where you are coming from, have felt the same as you, and then felt bad for thinking like i did, and come through the other side. My partner has 2 children from previous marridge and we;ve been together almost 6 years now. you are not bad for not wanting his child there you are simply being defensive and protective. He is 3 years old babes and everyhting he is doing is because his mum is feeding him crap but mostly because he has suddenly been thrown back at his dad who he doesnt see properlly and is craving so much attention. You do need to speak to your other half but be so careful about how you word what you are going to say. Whatever you do dont say you dont like his child and dont want him there, that will onyl cause arguements. Tell him why you are concerned for the baby and your relationship (step parent families are all about making sure NO-ONE feels left out and that includes you) and explain what has been happening again re the hitting tummy thing and that you need to stand strong together as even if he is only being a naughty child and not his fault, it is still unacceptable behaviour, i would suggest naughty step!. The more time you spend with this little boy the easier it wil become and the stronger a relationship you will have. Show him love and affection and he will give it back. I would suggest taking him out by yourself, even to the park to begin with and spend some quality time together, you will probably find he completly changes. Chat to him about his 'baby bro/sister' and see fi you can get him interested. Next step take him out and get him to pick things to buy for the baby. Hun, if you want to have a moan or get some feelings off your chest then PM me. If you love your other half though then dont give up jsut yet, and good luck, but really, you can always chat to me as ive been through the whole step parent thing and if really can work and we;re having our first baby now and i do still worry about things but it is so much better now then it ever has been. big big hugs!!!! And dont listen to peoples messages on here that say it's tough, you've got to put up with it coz that is bollocks, it would never work that way. It WILL be hard work to begin with but once youve got the foundations sorted the rest will come and it will be great! but it will be so worth it. xxxxx

 

[sam08]

Also you must must must and i cant stress this enougn, get contact sorted, the little boy needs consistancy at his age so go and see a solicitor and get some advice. If you are on a low income you should be able to get free legal help for some advice and if it goes to court you should get legal aid. A good solicitor will be able to sit down with you and work out if you are eligible. If it can be agreed in a court order then you are sorted, And i dont think she can stipulate whether or not you are there! Thats just mental and i dont think any judge has ever ordered who is to be present at a contact visit!

 

[sam08]

morganuk i dont think you read my post properlly. I love my OH's kids and i love our family and couldnt be happier. All i can say is well done to you for never having a selfish or insecure thought when your OH's little girl has been over. I was trying to reassure this poor girl that she is not the first person in the world to ever feel like this as in the begining it is difficult in a not so 'normal' family which today is becoming more and more the norm and that they are simply defensive feelings that she doesnt know how to cope with and that with understanding and communication those feelings can go away and they could be a very happy family. Its a known fact that if you try and push any feelings and thoughts to one side as you say it will only build up and backfire and explode at some point in the future which is not healthy or good for anyone.

Good luck JayK - keep us updated. xxxxxx

 

[ella]

I just wanted to add, I know it is your daughter you are thinking of but there is a very strong possibility she will adore having this little boy around to watch and eventually to play with, babies love watching older children.

Also I think your OH has a duty to sort this out properly with his ex, legally if necessary. If you knew you had his son every second weekend and not irregularly it would ease the stress on your whole household and you could bond a little better with him, and it would be much less confusing for him too and he would settle a little with you and your new baby.

 

[Morganuk]

morganuk i dont think you read my post properlly. I love my OH's kids and i love our family and couldnt be happier. All i can say is well done to you for never having a selfish or insecure thought when your OH's little girl has been over. I was trying to reassure this poor girl that she is not the first person in the world to ever feel like this as in the begining it is difficult in a not so 'normal' family which today is becoming more and more the norm and that they are simply defensive feelings that she doesnt know how to cope with and that with understanding and communication those feelings can go away and they could be a very happy family. Its a known fact that if you try and push any feelings and thoughts to one side as you say it will only build up and backfire and explode at some point in the future which is not healthy or good for anyone.

Good luck JayK - keep us updated. xxxxxx

I just dont understand why you would resent a little boy coming into your family for whatever reasons
Jen mentioned above that she has only been with this guy 12mths and this little boy has only just come on the scene so how has she tried?
I feel like she needs to deal with her emotions and think of whats really important here.
Forget the mother as , just deal with her oh son.
Let her oh build on his relationship with his son and be there to help him with that.
This little boy is clearly confused and I can tell that by his actions that she has mentioned.
Instead of saying "im off" she needs to be more mature about it and actually sit down with her oh and work out how they are going to do that as it can be done.
I just think she is being a bit self centured and not thinking of anyone else but herself.
I was just trying to make her see that there are better ways to deal with it.
I can imagine her pregnancy hormones could well be making her overly emotional but I would say not to make any harsh desicions whilst she is like that.
You gave good advice but she has to change her way of thinking first.
He should have his son as much as possible and I dont agree with her saying that every sunday was to much, its like she wants t exclude him from there lives.
Wheres the real thought for this innocent little boy who needs stability in his life.
Its seems he has none of that.

I really hope they sort this out to the best of there ability.

 

[reallyoldmum]

Can I put it from another side - I am a mum of two children whose new "step mum" decided she didnt want them in her new families life when she got pregnant..... My two were older 10 and 8 and were genuinely delighted when they heard the news that Dad was having a new baby (my daughter was just at the age where babies were like dolls ) The lady in question put my ex in the situation that he had to make a choice - either her and their new son or weekend contact with our two..... I hate the fact that he did what he did but he put her and their new baby first and rang my daughter and told her to "fu*k off" out of their life. They havent seen him for over 11 years now (except for the odd occasion in town or at restaurants when he ignores them) - he has emailed a couple of times in the past 3 years when he has spit up or a bit with his new wife but to be honest my children dont want to know now.....

Please dont let your insecurities put you and your OH in the same position.... It is heartbreaking for all concerned - I hate my ex for what he has done but to be honest I hate her more and before you all jump on me I was not a twisted ex - we had been apart and actually quite good friends (at least where the children were concerned) for 2 years before he met her....

The saddest thing of all I think is the day we bumped into her and her son in a carpark - he looked just like my son - my two were really sad as he hadnt a clue who they were.... In this whole sorry mess its the children that have missed out - their son could have had a brother and sister who loved him and wanted to spend time with him and my two know that there is a little boy out there that is their half brother.....

This little chap is no more than a baby himself - if you let him in I am sure it will work out in the end and to be honest if he is only going to be around for a night or two a week that leaves your daughter 5 or 6 with her daddy in a happy and settled home with all the attention.....

Hope you sort it out soon.

Jane x

 

[fran_23]

Yes i tried saying it from the other side earlier too and Sam who said unless you have been in that situation you have no idea how it feels..yes but until you have had to have some other woman playing happy families with YOUR child and resenting him for being in the way of there and your exes relationship then you have no idea how it feels aswell.