Am i being unfair?

[Jayceesmumma]

Just feel so sh*tty right now..
have to vent a bit..
Was in town with OH today after we got ellie from nursery at 12.. it came to 2:15 and he wanted to go home coz he didnt wanna keep walking about.. I told him im sick and tired of being at home, its okay for him coz he can just go wherever he wants whenever he wants... i cant. I explained that to him and he got the hump so we decided to go home. Waiting for the car park lift he gets a message off his mate to meet and go to the pub.. bearing in mind its 2:20 and i need to pick jaycee up at 3:15 so have to be parked at school latest 3:10.. TOTALLY pointless for me to go but he says if we go home his mate will pick us up n go to the pub.. (ive previously complained when he doesnt invite me out when his mates invite their girlfriends ) he KNOWS im going to say no.. whats the bloody point in driving home in my car (5min drive) with car seats.. to be picked up by his mate with no car seats to go to a pub.. when i have to pick jaycee up at 3:15...??? i know he asked just so he can say, 'well i did invite u but u said no' coz his mate came at 2:50! if it was genuine he would have asked if we could meet him there or something.
He is also going to his mums tomo night for some drinks coz his mums away and his dad n bro want to have a few beers.. he reckons im invited.. but again.. ive got the kids and he knows im not gonna take them there when his mum isnt there or his 10yr old sis.. we would get in the way and its not really a child friendly atmosphere.. so again.. inviting me knowing i cant. I cant get a babysitter either and he knows that.
He also mentioned earlier that its his mates 21st this weekend.. so probably gonna go town after his dads tomo eve or want to go out sat too
Ive never had a problem with him going out with his mates but he always lies about where he is, doesnt contact me for 4hrs at a time, and comes home drunk n causes rows.. so no i dont really 'like' him going out... but not in the way he makes out... he makes out i just dont like him going out with his mates..

I had an eye test and had the retinal photographs done.. there was a black mark on my right eye and the optician doesnt know what it is.. but she said after the baby, come back and see if its changed.. if it has then ill see a specialist.. if not then its a birthmark... (didnt know u could get a birthmark in ur eye..???) ive suffered with v bad migraines and was due an mri on my head the day i found out i was preg.. so i missed that.. im worried.. but when i was telling him about it over lunch he was more interested in reading the facebook email he had just got on his phone... and when i got annoyed he wasnt listening he said i just wanna be 'centre of attention' he always calls me selfish, thinks im self involved and dont care about anyone else... hes known me for 8 months.. im the least selfish person ever! i may be some things, but selfish is not one of them and that hurts me more than anything!
Hes got the hump coz im 'pissed off hes going out with a mate' and cant see that its hard for me coz im feeling so f*cking trapped!!! Ive just got my life back on track trying to get a career and social life of my own.. 4 months into freedom and i get a BFP.. im grateful as a child is a blessing, but its not what i wanted at that time in my life. i was preg at 17 and been a full time mum ever since. Im 25 now and doing it all over again with a 21yr old who is still enjoying his social life more than wanting to grow up. Im so upset that he cant just understand how im feeling.. i cant talk to him about it coz he thinks im being selfish!! i cant win!! why cant i be a bit selfish for once?? my life has been devoted to my girls, ive been thru some horrid sh*t with their dad and come out on top.. yet im f*cking selfish.

Trying my hardest not to cry coz the girls are here, ill never let them see me cry. Never again.

I hate this, coz im starting to feel like im selfish for having any kind of feeling! I want him to still have a life, but its bloody hard when in the middle of a conversation about how i feel trapped and want to get out of the house... hes making plans to go out with his mate via bbm!!!

Am i wrong for feeling upset?

Sorry about the huge rant i needed it off my chest..

Also a lady was supposed to view our house last night for a swap (she has a lovely big 3 bedroom house round the corner) so i got my stepdad to look after the kids as i didnt want them here while someone was looking at the house incase it upset them.. half hour drive away.. she was due at 7pm... 7:30 came and i text her, she said her dad went in a&e at 5pm and she had forgot about us.. if its true thats fair enough.. but i still felt a bit let down and annoye i had to drive for another hour to get the kids for nothing.. and the fact they go to bed at 7pm..
so im a tad edgy coz of that too.. but i hate being called selfish. especially when ive been shocked with the images of my right eye and a big black mark on it... she thought it may be a smudge on the lens so looked in my eye and saw it.. i got NO compassion from him.. no concern.. nothing.
Am i being self centered? (during the lunch I paid for lol)

 

[Coco pops]

You aren't being unfair at all, he is, he needs to face up to his responsibilities and fast!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

To top it off the b*stard has given me a cold..lol, can feel it in my nose and throat

 

[Coco pops]

haha!! MEN! xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I hate how he makes me feel bad for being unhappy.. tells me i ruin his time with his mates by making him feel guilty. i dont yell at him or anything i just go quiet. i dont want to constantly argue. if i try and explain my point im selfish, if i dont, im guilting him.
It seems hes the bloody selfish one!

 

[littlemiss83]

Just wanted to give you big

I was only 19 and my OH only 20 when I was pregnant with our first, we'd only been together for 9 months, so we were still getting to know each other, along with cutting out our nights out ect. It was hard coz he still spent alot of time going out with his friends ect. He did totally change when baby was born. He's only been drunk 5/6 times in the last 7 years. We used to have massive arguments when he went out drinking, my ex cheated on me while out drunk so I have a massive complex about guys getting drunk and cheating. Plus my OH has a history of going out getting drunk and ending up fighting/causing trouble ect, so we used to have massive arguments about him going out, he'd storm out and turn his phone off all night, leaving me wondering when/if he was coming home, and i'd be sat at home convinced he's away with another girl.

So, it does get better, all that was 7 years ago and we're more in love now than we were back then, so there can be a happy ending!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thank you so much.. I hope theres a chance for us coz i dont know if i can cope with it all over again.. my ex used to go out everynight and get drunk.. either cheat or come home and smash the house up.. luckily i was able to get jaycee out of her cot and in the car in time for her to have never seen or heard it.. mostly at 3am poor thing ill never go thru that again.. which is why im probably more concerned this time around. history repeating difference is i know my OH will be a great dad, unlike my ex who hasnt ever bothered with the girls.

Our girls are the same age arent they.. i think we noticed last week

Ive had a rough time with my ex and when i talk to my OH about it to try and get him to understand me a bit more, to help the relationship... im being selfish and self centred..

I know its hard for him too but tbh he is over the moon about the baby and so is his family as its the first.. im still struggling to come to terms with it and have told him already many times that im finding it hard to enjoy this pregnancy and it kills me to say it.. feel so ungrateful for this healthy baby

 

[littlemiss83]

no, your defo not being ungrateful. Your just having troubles the same as everyone else does.

I know what you mean about history repeating, its hard to trust again after being cheated on, and its even worse when new partner does the same things as the ex (drinking) - I remember having big long arguments with OH and him telling me it was always the same argument, and how he couldn't put up with it any longer ect, he never once left but would always say unless I let him do what he wants (out with friends/drinking) he'll leave. I suppose when I look back I was a bit out of order coz i'd start an argument every time he went out. and alot of his friends would go out too and get no hassle off their gf so i'm sure he always felt hard done by, and he couldn't understand why he was being punished for what my ex done. tbh I dont think we'd still be together if he was still like that. I'm one of those ladies who are lucky and there man changes when baby is born. He is able to go out now and have a couple of drinks, and come home w/out me worrying and no arguments, coz now he behaves himself and knows when to stop, but he's not as keen on drinking anymore, coz he'd been getting really bad hangovers.

 

[Sarah13]

Don't feel bad, it's that usual situation where women grow up and become a mum soon as we get a BFP and men don't till baby is born. I'm def comming back as a man in my next life, they have it easy!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Im really glad ur OH has changed and i hope mine does too... hes just walked in now n annoyed ive been ignoring his txts and calls.. so i have to log off.. but ill reply later
i dont cause arguements but he knows it bugs me and that annoys him into thinking i just dont want him to go out.. not that it reminds me i cant.. and also the fact of how he behaves while out. he also needs to know when to say when with drinking.. if he could prove to me that i can trust him then things would be different. if he had never lied then it would be ok.
the fact im 'selfish' really hurts and i cant even talk to him about it.

I dont like arguing at all.. well sometimes lol... but not while im pregnant at all!!

thanks for reading all my ranting i really needed to know i wasnt being a d*ck and im not alone in this.. i couldnt have asked for a better reply!!

Dont get me wrong, my OH does alot for me and my girls and deserves his time, but theres a nicer way of doing it and being more supportive.

I pray this works out, when we are good we are great, but when we argue its torture.. he always has to be right no matter what and twists my words.. even says thins that later denies but i suppose noone can be perfect.. i know im far from it!

Thanks again!!!xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Don't feel bad, it's that usual situation where women grow up and become a mum soon as we get a BFP and men don't till baby is born. I'm def comming back as a man in my next life, they have it easy!

Totally agree with that!!

I understand its hard for him to make changes etc.. i dont want him to stop going out, just to be more understanding of my feelings and his actions while out..

I really hope bieng a dad makes him grow up coz i dont think we will last otherwise and that will just crucify me and the kids

 

[Sarah13]

I would love our OHs to swap bodies and hormones for a week or too, be funny if freaky Friday was real! Think they would all change super quick!

My hubby a big drinker (and smoker) but he was like it when we met and I knew him for a while before getting together so I knew what I was getting into so I've never moaned or tried to change him. We're both ex forces so theres always that lifestyle of work hard, play hard and a culture of cheating that we've had to contend with. But we have a brilliant relationship rarely argue and been together 10 years now. We've always had an understanding we would never cheat but would be honest and tell each other if things were going wrong so I trust him 100% when he's out with the lads and vice versa. I think we're both so chilled and he rarely makes me mad when he's drunk, prob only once when he was out all night at the casino and didn't let me know, I did cheer up when I saw how much money he'd won! I think I might be different to a lot of women though having worked round men all my life and seen them at their worst not a lot phases me now!

I think as I'm so chilled my hubby don't take the piss and is considerate letting me know if he's out later etc, maybe in time your OH will become more considerate, I guess your still getting to know how each other ticks just now as well which can take a long time without a baby on the way!

 

[jomc]

Aw hun, big

Uv every right to feel how u feel. He needs to face up to his responsibilities of being a dad.

You say his family are really excited about the baby... do you get on well with his mum that you could maybe hint to her to have a word with him, about how big a responsibilty it is and having to look forward to and think about the future?

 

[Geminiblue]

you are a fantastic lovely person do not let anyone tell you otherwise and if its going the same way as the other one....dont hang on learn from your past mistakes and move on. If it isnt as bad as that and you think it can be salvaged then do something different. Go out with your friends get him to stay in and babysit, just text when you have to. You dont have to spend much go to a friends for coffee or out for a soft drink but either way get some you time. Youre not selfish its selfish to not listen to someones elses feeings and emotions and pretend they dont matter, you feeling like you dont matter and you do.

Take care darlin and hopefully like someone else said, the reality when you have your baby will make him grow up. My OH changed loads when we had our little boy 2 years and and my OH is 40 this year!!! Do they ever grow up
xxx

 

[Bexybun]

Ive had a rough time with my ex and when i talk to my OH about it to try and get him to understand me a bit more, to help the relationship... im being selfish and self centred..

Hello darling, I'm sorry to hear you're going through the wringer atm

I know how you feel with regards to the above quote- early on in our relationship I tried to talk to OH about my abusive ex (Pud's biological dad), and got really annoyed when he would snap that he didn't want to hear it- I was trying to help him understand, why couldn't he give a sh*t, you know? Then one day he sat me down and explained that the reason he couldn't hear it was that me and Amelia are the two most precious things in his life, and when he thinks about all the awful things E did to me when I was pregnant, how close he came to killing me and my baby, it makes OH want to find him and pummel him to death. OH doesn't have a violent bone in his body, but I believe him- he adores Amelia especially, and the idea of someone hurting her makes me furious, so I understand how he feels the same.
Maybe part of the reason your OH doesn't want to hear it is because it's too difficult to hear, but being a man he can't express it very well?

With regards to the going out with his mates thing, sadly men just do not get how hugely pregnancy affects us- it's a massive physical and mental strain on us, but to them we basically get fat and cry a lot, lol. Maybe look out for the best time for you two to talk, when you're both calm, and try to explain how you're feeling? I know it's hard hunni xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Aw hun, big

Uv every right to feel how u feel. He needs to face up to his responsibilities of being a dad.

You say his family are really excited about the baby... do you get on well with his mum that you could maybe hint to her to have a word with him, about how big a responsibilty it is and having to look forward to and think about the future?

I do.. but im still getting to know her too and he is her fav lol so i dont want to offend her by basically slagging off her boy..

Hes really a very good OH just gets lost sometimes! especially when it comes to him going out.. i think he feels he needs to take that control as im his first proper girlfriend.. thats why i need to give him some slack as he is not only becoming a dad he is in a relationship for the first time too!
Ive got a really crappy cold atm and he took and picked jaycee up from school for me and picked me up some soothers/lockets (yum!!).. he constantly makes me tea when i want and always does the washing up.. im very lucky to have him and feel bad that im moaning about his only flaw... but its a painful one..

I hate that he feels that way about me sometimes.

bex i understand what your saying.. he probably does feel like he wants to kill the c*nt for hurting us and the terrible things hes done.. but i only want him to understand why i am the way i am so we can get on better as i know i can be a d*ck sometimes.. but he doesnt need to make out im 'so hard done by' coz i know im not! Im gonna struggle to let him in when this baby is born coz of my past which is wrong and im working on it but he needs to understand it.
I wish he would just listen for once instead of thinking im playin the 'pity me' card..

Hes also got a 'blog' about how he feels about us and becoming a dad but he wont talk to me about how hes feeling etc.. yet expects me to know... i swear hes more woman than i am at times he wont let me read it or anything, which i can understand as its his private thoughts etc but i feel like hes pushed me away emotionally.. i want to be there to support him but he wont let me

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thank you all so much for your replies, i feel better about it all now but its still a big issue and will keep coming up and getting in the way

Im really worried about my retinal photograph results and he hasnt even mentioned it since
Ive googled it but i cant find anything like what my pic looked like!

 

[ft90]

Awww you're not being unfair at all. It's so hard because you feel like you're trapped in the house. Even if you get invited out, you have to say no because you know you'll get tired, bored, swollen feet (my main problem) and the men don't understand! They're getting a baby, but it just appears for them, it's us who have to carry the baby and feel the effects of that.

As I'm typing this, my boyfriend has left me for the night! He's gone to watch some cricket with a friend a few hours away and they've decided to stay over. I did kick off massively, because I feel like he doesn't understand where I'm coming from! He tries, and always tells me that he doesn't mind if I want to go and do things with my friends, but like I always say to him... How can I? I'm constantly exhausted and really no fun to be around, I have to sit in front of the tv!!!

Don't feel like you're being unfair. You're pregnant, and you're dealing with a lot of things that he'll never be able to understand!

Hope it all gets better

xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

EXACTLY!!!!! so glad im not the only one.. why is it so hard for them to understand????

 

[ft90]

It's hard because they're in a totally different position to us ladies! We feel our little baby moving around every day, we feel the tiredness and the pain and everything that comes with being preggo, so it's easier for us to know how hard it is, but also to get used to the idea of having a baby. Men don't have any of that, they can give themselves a pat on the back for being understanding, but they really aren't, because they can't possibly understand!

It's just the way it is I'm afraid! But when they look at their baby they'll know what it's like and he'll realise how amazing you are for carrying it!

xx