Somebody pls help me am i being unreasonable!! **update pg3*

[JayK2387]

My bf has a 3 yr old son from a previous relationship... his mum is a NUTTER!! Not being horrible but she is a psycho and she makes my blood boil. One second we can see him and the next we cant. Since we've been together (April 08) he hasnt been allowed in our lives and I have got used to that. When I became pregnant and she found out, all of a sudden, he has been allowed back into our lives. she was demanding my OH saw him every Sunday (he works Mon-SAT) to which I said no way but my oh being the push over agreed to it. After a couple of weeks he realised he wasnt getting anytime with me or to himself to finally agreed to talk to his ex and say he'd have him every other weekend for the whole weekend and would see him occasionally one day in the week to take him swimming. First off she said no, had a fit, and stopped him from seeing him again. Then all of a sudden it would be ok so we agreed to it. THEN once again her mind changes and my OH gets the txt "i dont want my son staying at your house" so then its back to as and when... Basically shes a nightmare.

Ive never really had the chance to bond with his son. When I was about 14 weeks we took him to the zoo - we hadnt told him about the baby - he was in the back of the car and all of a sudden from no where came out with "dad your having a baby in a minute" this went on and resulted in his son saying he didnt want a brother or sister - well this was gonna be fun.

Hes a spitful child and likes to try and hit my tummy when people arent watching. Hes been caught a few times and told off but he just laughs.

OH has just announced he's staying at ours this weekend and Im fuming! I know this sounds awful but i dont want to be involved with his son. Ive tried and tried but I cant be bothered anymore. I want to concerntrate on my daughter not his son. I want the weekends to relax and stuff after a horrible week at work. Now im gonna be on edge in my own home with his son!

Its getting so bad i feel like telling my oh tonight that I dont want anything to do with his son and that i dont want his son anywhere near my daughter. He seems to think when shes in the world his son will love her and cherish her and thinks they'll be ok in a room together (NO WAY IS THAT HAPPENING) I think he's delouded. If hes hitting my tummy what is he going to be like with a baby thats getting all the attention.

Ive even thought about leaving my OH and telling him to go be a happy family with his son and I'll bring our daughter up on our own so she doesnt have to be involved in that crazy family.

Is this my hormones or am i being really unreasonable??

xxx

 

[Slinky Sarah]

I no im not ment to be in here (oops lol) but i can relate to what your saying.
But in all honesty there isnt much you can do about his son in regaurds to him seeing him. I can understand why you are upset though i would hate knowing he was trying to hit my tummy etc. But its one o them things that he has a son/past and you have to decide whether you can accept that and live with it kinda thing or move on from it.
its a case of he was there first kinda thing unfortunatly
hope you can get it sorted out

 

[JayK2387]

I no im not ment to be in here (oops lol) but i can relate to what your saying.
But in all honesty there isnt much you can do about his son in regaurds to him seeing him. I can understand why you are upset though i would hate knowing he was trying to hit my tummy etc. But its one o them things that he has a son/past and you have to decide whether you can accept that and live with it kinda thing or move on from it.
its a case of he was there first kinda thing unfortunatly
hope you can get it sorted out

Its soo true

Obviously i would NEVER stop him from seeing his son Id hate that to happen but I just dont want to be part of it.

Think I need to sit down and talk to OH xx

 

[Sammy J]

No I don't think you are being unreasonable, my sister in Law had a similar situation with a previous partner and a child when they first got together, the child was a nuisence and it really caused problems between them.
It resulted in her telling him that she was going to leave (after 18 months of crap) then when he realised what he was going to miss out on he agreed that when he had his child that he would take care of her and do things with her and was quite firm with the child when she played up for my SIL.

Now it all seems to be resolved. I'm not saying that you should leave him, but I am saying I know where your coming from especially with a baby on the way.

 

[Cyprus08]

I feel a bit sad reading this tbh, I know it must be really hard for you but on the other hand this little boy is only 3!!!! It must be really hard for him to understand whats going on and you never know what he's heard from his mum. He's only really a baby himself. Hope that you find a way to work things out xx

 

[Morganuk]

I think its right he should see his son as often as he can and tbh I dont agree that you should have a problem with it, or is it just the fact you wants some weekends to yourselves.
The little lad is proberly just confused as his mum is/has stopped him from seeing his dad.
He proberly does not want a brother/sister as he wants his dads attention which is totally understandable.
Hes just a kids and needs both parents in his life.

Also just because you have got used to him not being in your life does not mean you cant get used to him, please think of this poor child hun

 

[Morganuk]

No I don't think you are being unreasonable, my sister in Law had a similar situation with a previous partner and a child when they first got together, the child was a nuisence and it really caused problems between them.
It resulted in her telling him that she was going to leave (after 18 months of crap) then when he realised what he was going to miss out on he agreed that when he had his child that he would take care of her and do things with her and was quite firm with the child when she played up for my SIL.

Now it all seems to be resolved. I'm not saying that you should leave him, but I am saying I know where your coming from especially with a baby on the way.

Sorry but a child is not a nuisence for no reason.
Im feeling sorry for these poor children where adults cant understand that they have issues

 

[MrsBrightside]

I understand where you are coming from to a degree and dont honestly know how I would feel if my OH had a son from his previous. But you have to think about how you would feel in his ex's situation, Im not saying what she is doing by starting and stopping him seeing his son is right but I dont think she was been unreasonable asking him to have him every Sunday when she has him 24/7 6 days of the week. She might be a nutter but you dont have to think about her you have to think about the situation that's in hand with regards his son and the baby that is on the way!!!

I honestly think the more time he spends with you and you OH and when the baby is here things wont be as bad as you think. I think your OH needs to sit down and talk to him son about whats going on. His son will possibly be only acting up because its a big change and also if you hadnt told him you were going to have a baby then his Mam must have done so no wonder the little mans head will be all over the place! Maybe hes already thinking his Dad thinks less of him for not telling him and his mam having to tell him. You never know whats going on in their little heads!!

His Dad needs to make it clear to his son that it wont change the situation between him and his son in a way he will understand!

 

[JayK2387]

Sorry but a child is not a nuisence for no reason.
Im feeling sorry for these poor children where adults cant understand that they have issues

As I said im not trying to stop my oh from seeing his son or spending time with him.

What I am trying to do is protect my daughter from being dragged into this horrible situation. I understand he is just a child but he is a child that wishes to inflict harm to an unborn child. Obviously it is his mum that is putting this all on him.

Which is why if you've read ive considered removing myself and my child from the situation altogether. AS his son needs his Dad and his Mum is not going to make that easy with us in his life.

I am fed up and tired of making efforts for them to be smashed to pieces everytime we make progress. Its stressing me out and upsetting me.

xx

 

[Slinky Sarah]

I no im not ment to be in here (oops lol) but i can relate to what your saying.
But in all honesty there isnt much you can do about his son in regaurds to him seeing him. I can understand why you are upset though i would hate knowing he was trying to hit my tummy etc. But its one o them things that he has a son/past and you have to decide whether you can accept that and live with it kinda thing or move on from it.
its a case of he was there first kinda thing unfortunatly
hope you can get it sorted out

Its soo true

Obviously i would NEVER stop him from seeing his son Id hate that to happen but I just dont want to be part of it.

Think I need to sit down and talk to OH xx

in all honesty then it sounds like you cant be with your OH. You either accept him as a package or not at all really. LIke i say, with my OH his son was 4 when we met. We had the same kinda problems with his ex not wanting me to see their son and i had to accept that, It hurt and i hated not being a part of it and our plans always got cancelled for that little boy cos at the end of the day he comes first everytime.

As mucha s you say you would never stop him seeing his son, in the same breath you dont want time being taken away from you both too, there has to be a compramise where you either take a part in this boys life as a family or you walk away now. Like whats been said hes only 3, OH's LO is now 5 and still doesnt really understand everything.

I hope you can come to some sort of arrangement though

 

[hennaly]

This poor little lad is obviously very confused, god knows what he is being told and by who i think you OH needs to get something in writing as to when he sees him and imo once a week is nothing for a child especially at that age.
Also please remember you are the adult and its up to you to try to help this little boy understand that he will be a big brother and how good it will be.

 

[emma10]

Hi hun first of all have some of these

I personally havnt been i this situation but my best friend has... her BF's son was 4 when she met him, she fell pregnant shortly after meeting him and can honestly say most of what you have said she could have written!
She hates his EX, crazy apparently, she has the bf jumping through hoops about seeing his son..
And tbh she doesnt particularly like his son, she admits this freely! she says he takes up 'their' family time and says hes attention seeking...

Now i will tell you wot ive said too her, forget about the ex for a min.... this is just a small child, God only knows what She maybe filling his head with!! sad but this happens with jealous Ex's... she more than likely reacts negativly towards his daddy having another baby... so he is bound to follow suit! You really need to try and bite ur tounge (sp) and keep positive about it all, im sure he will be fine with your LO .
And by telling him you want NO part of it is Unfair, you must remember this is his flesh and blood, and he obviously loves you 2, (and ur LO) asking him to keep these parts of his lfe separate are near on impossible and will just bring misery.. he obviously is a good daddy which you should be proud of and encourage. (after all there are plenty that are rubbish ones out there!)

Sorry if ive sounded harsh hun, but my friend has had another LO with her fella and is still very bitter towards her 'Stepson' i find it really upsetting to hear her talk about him the way she does, so god only know's how her BF feels.

Hope you sort it all out

 

[JayK2387]

I understand where you are coming from to a degree and dont honestly know how I would feel if my OH had a son from his previous. But you have to think about how you would feel in his ex's situation, Im not saying what she is doing by starting and stopping him seeing his son is right but I dont think she was been unreasonable asking him to have him every Sunday when she has him 24/7 6 days of the week. She might be a nutter but you dont have to think about her you have to think about the situation that's in hand with regards his son and the baby that is on the way!!!

I honestly think the more time he spends with you and you OH and when the baby is here things wont be as bad as you think. I think your OH needs to sit down and talk to him son about whats going on. His son will possibly be only acting up because its a big change and also if you hadnt told him you were going to have a baby then his Mam must have done so no wonder the little mans head will be all over the place! Maybe hes already thinking his Dad thinks less of him for not telling him and his mam having to tell him. You never know whats going on in their little heads!!

His Dad needs to make it clear to his son that it wont change the situation between him and his son in a way he will understand!

His mum doesnt have him 24/7 sorry forgot to mention that, she works full time then go's to the pub a lot of nights. He's sees her sister more which is heartbraking really.

The day we took him to the zoo was the first time we'd seen him in months so my OH hadnt had a chance to tell him and we were waiting for the amnio so weren't going to tell him until we got the all clear. So it must of been her.

Ive tried so hard to be his friend and we do have a tiny bond when we've seen him. But soon as he go's home, the next weekend we see him its back to square one!!

I honestly dont know how Ill do it when we have a newborn.

x

 

[MrsBrightside]

I am fed up and tired of making efforts for them to be smashed to pieces everytime we make progress. Its stressing me out and upsetting me.

xx

I understand you must be feeling down and upset about it hun but unfortunately your going to have to get used to the situation and make the best of it!

 

[ShineyHappyPeople]

No I don't think you are being unreasonable, my sister in Law had a similar situation with a previous partner and a child when they first got together, the child was a nuisence and it really caused problems between them.
It resulted in her telling him that she was going to leave (after 18 months of crap) then when he realised what he was going to miss out on he agreed that when he had his child that he would take care of her and do things with her and was quite firm with the child when she played up for my SIL.

Now it all seems to be resolved. I'm not saying that you should leave him, but I am saying I know where your coming from especially with a baby on the way.

Sorry but a child is not a nuisence for no reason.
Im feeling sorry for these poor children where adults cant understand that they have issues

I was sad to read that too

The 3 year old is being used by its mother to try and get at your oh and its so unfair on the poor child. I wonder if he thinks "Sometimes my daddy comes to pick me up and have fun with me, sometimes he doesn't.. I wonder why? is it because of this new baby?" Hes a 3 year old, they think like that even though its his mothers fault. For the sake of your relationship and this little boy, I would try and bond with him.

 

[hennaly]

you really have to make this exciting to him, try to include him in as much as you can if you want this to work. Make him feel special about it all, take him to choose little things for the baby etc, yes it may take a little while to settle him again each time you see him but what else can you expect if his life is as upsidedown as it is.

 

[Cyprus08]

I understand he is just a child but he is a child that wishes to inflict harm to an unborn child.


xx

I really dont think at 3 years old that he would truely understand the meaning of what he is doing hun.

 

[Morganuk]

Sorry but a child is not a nuisence for no reason.
Im feeling sorry for these poor children where adults cant understand that they have issues

As I said im not trying to stop my oh from seeing his son or spending time with him.

What I am trying to do is protect my daughter from being dragged into this horrible situation. I understand he is just a child but he is a child that wishes to inflict harm to an unborn child. Obviously it is his mum that is putting this all on him.

Which is why if you've read ive considered removing myself and my child from the situation altogether. AS his son needs his Dad and his Mum is not going to make that easy with us in his life.
I personally think its a bit drastic wanting to leave when with time it could all be resolved.

I am fed up and tired of making efforts for them to be smashed to pieces everytime we make progress. Its stressing me out and upsetting me.

xx

Hun as mrsbrightside said you need to found out whats going on his little head and work on the issues.
I think he is hurt that daddies having another baby when he hardly sees him.
Yes his mum has been wrong for doing this but it really does need to be sorted for this little boy and you lo and it can be hun :
I would seek help to work out the best way to deal with this.


You say its heartbreaking that hes not with his mum alot yet you have a problem with him coming to see his dad often

As hennaly said you are the adult here.

 

[JayK2387]

I think some people have read this wrong.

I try very hard with his son, Ive bought him presents, suggested we do fun things like the zoo and swimming. Ive tried saying lets take him away for the weekend etc just to go to nutral (sp) grounds and we've done some of this when she hasnt stopped us from seeing him when we've turnt up at the door.

I knew he had a son when we met and was very supportive and kept out the way when she was telling OH i wasnt aloud to see him etc. I only saw him durin the week.

Once she realised we werent going to break up she changed her tactics to stop him seeing him altogether OH went to citizens advice - threatened her with court to which she said she'd give up work and get legal aid and fight him till he couldnt afford to fight her in court anymore.

Then ot of the blue one day once we announced the news we were pregnant, she said we could have him one day and the rest is history.

Im not trying to be awkward or make him choose. Id much rather walk out of his life and let him be a daddy to his son before our little girl is born as i DO NOT want her to be effected by this situation. I dont think it will ever change and it will be a constant battle.

Its amazing how much life can change in 8 months. x

 

[EllieBelle]

My DH has 2 daughters from his previous marriage, and has had all sorts of problems with his ex. When we moved to France she refused to let him see them - despite him paying her over £1000 a month maintainance for years!

She basically uses the children as a weapon and its just not on at all.........My DH does see them now, but not as often as he would like as although we are living back in the UK, the children live a good 2.5 hours away.

Both your OH and his ex need to sit down and discuss the situation properly, the fact that they obviously dont get on is totally irrelevant - its the child thats important here, and not their feelings! They made the child, so they need to ensure he has a proper and stable upbringing! His behaviour is steming from the way his parents are behaving!

On the other hand I do sympathise, its not easy having step children.....and sometimes its very difficult to accept them, especially when they are causing trouble in your life with your OH!