Sitting on the other side of the fence

[flisstebbs]

It's been a strange morning, and I'm doing a thread in the hope that this helps anyone out there going through rmc.
I'm now 37 weeks into my 5th pregnancy after 4 mc since sept 2010. I had to have a scan today as my consultant is watching everything so carefully. However, I was waiting in the dept where they run the epu, where I have sat so many times hating all the heavily pregnant women... I saw 3 women come out of that dreaded room in tears. I felt a weird mixture of horror, sadness, but also guilt??? There was also some totally selfish relief in there for good measure!

I guess this thread is to offer some hope to anyone who's going through this pain, and hoping that your sticky beans are closer than you think. My last mc was dec 2012, and I thought it was never happening for us. A year is a long time.

 

[CARNAT22]

I am sadly a member of the recurrent miscarriage "club", it's not a "club" I ever knew existed until I had my second loss.

As heartbreaking as it was I always thought that first loss as just terrible luck... A second loss shakes you to the core and the third loss almost broke me.

My [not so] little rainbow baby will be 1 in ten days time. I can barely believe it.

Fliss, my EPU was in a completely different part of the hospital, I can't imagine how I'd have felt having to go to an actual antenatal clinic ????

I know EPU's are very underfunded and oversubscribed though so I guess you just have to be thankful that you can find a hospital who can help?

It's lovely to hear happy endings, I am so looking forward to your labour thread

Incidentally my last loss was in 2011, a year exactly to my EDD (I lost 3rd bean 5th November 2011 and James was due 5th November 2012)

xxxxxxx

 

[lisey]

Thanks ladies, I am feeling quite negative at the moment about everything but you do both give me hope that I could have my sticky bean eventually. I hope I am on the other side of all of this very soon too xx

 

[gemloulau]

Thank you for posting that Flisstebbs. I've not been on the board for a while because I'm not coping so well at the moment but I thought I'd pop my head in today to see who was about and the first post I saw was yours.

I remember being one of those women leaving the department in floods of tears, seeing all of the glowing heavily pregnant ladies sitting in the waiting area.

I know it will just take a little patience but I will be someone with a happy ever after story one day, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

thank you

xx

 

[cosmicgirl]

I've only had the one mc, cannot imagine having multiple mc's
Our EPU was also completely separate (thank god), they ALL should be!
Nice post

 

[diane]

Our EPU is the RMC as well and was also separate so thankfully never had to sit around with pregnant ladies.

I still feel conflicted about everything to due with the recurrent miscarriages. I never once announced I was pregnant on Facebook, by email, or by any means tbh (I even went on maternity leave before telling anyone I was pregnant!) as it was always so fresh in my mind what I went through and how it felt when other ladies announced their pregnancies, and I was so worried about making someone else feel the way I felt. In a way I feel robbed, that even though I was on "the other side of the fence" I was never able to fully appreciate it? I wish I could have been one of those happy pregnant ladies posting a scan pic or emailing my news but I was so scared to upset anyone, and also still could not believe that I could ever take a baby home. I still don't believe it now?

I post a lot now about my daughter and am now completely honest with everyone about what we went through, and a few people I know have now confided that they're also going through the same thing, which breaks my heart but I truly truly believe that if I can manage to sustain a healthy pregnancy after 11 consecutive losses, anyone can.

 

[Cazzie11]

You ladies are an inspiration, especially as I am going to try as soon as I've recovered after my op. I remember coming out of the scan room in tears, how sad you saw 3 women in a short space of time. This is only my first but already I feel any future experience will always be scarred by my loss. I will never enjoy those first few months and will always worry. In a way, I'm angry because of this but at the end if the day, all I want is my own baby.

 

[jojo3972]

I was in the exact same position today fliss while awaiting my 12 week scan and there was a couple of girls been sent down from epu and I was thinking to myself I know exactly how u feel and I felt real bad for them after 3 losses myself and I seem to have my rainbow growing nicely I felt realy blessed but looking back at the journey wow it's been a tough one but got there eventually and others will too , big hugs to all xxx

 

[mistyblue]

I know the feeling of walking past a room full of heavily pregnant women trying to hold it together but not being able to. I felt so lost that day, but I am hopeful for a good strong sticky bean next time and your stories have given me lots of hope so thank you x x

 

[Hopeful75]

Thank you so much for this post Flisstebbs. I'm just going through my third miscarriage (this one natural at 5 1/2 weeks, the other two mmc where the baby had stopped at 8-9 weeks. Currently feeling in the pits, these posts have made me think there is a glimmer of hope.

 

[hayels]

Lovely post fliss as another member of the not so nice rc miscarriage club I was always looking for stories of hope. After 5 miscarriages pregnancy number 6 was finally my sticky bean and my little miracle is 23 weeks old tomorrow. Its so so hard to go through it time after time but don't give up hope . Xxx

 

[flisstebbs]

Hayels, you were one of my inspirations to carry on in January! Stories like yours helped me, so I'm really glad if mine helps anyone else.
My little girl has arrived safe and sound now, but the losses are never forgotten. My daughters blanket given to me by my mum has 5 shades of wool in... each time I've been pg, shes added a little bit more to it. Seems surreal to be wrapping my baby in it finally after 3 years on this journey. X

 

[Lozzaste]

Thank you. That's good to hear.
I've had three now, the last in October. It hurt me so much I've given up for now.
The EPU was in the scan department for us, so it was very sad seeing all the heavily pregnant ladies, but in my case I have a two year old, and I was that heavily pregnant person in there not so long ago. I'm determined that one day I will be again.
As I left the last time with my EPRC appointment in my hand, I got into the lift with a couple with their scan photo, all smiles and a leaflet on multiple pregnancies. This hurt me a fair bit as anyone who knows me knows how much I would love twins!
Anyway, thank you for the post, it's lovely to hear positive news. I really only read this section these days, how sad is that? Xx

 

[Katkin72]

What a lovely thread Fliss - I have also been in your shoes as you know, having had 4 mcs since July 2012. It was sheer torture sitting in the EPU dept and having to wait with heavily pregnant women and happy couples looking at their scan pics when I just wanted to curl up and die. It hurt so much, and it is so cruel that some hospitals make everyone sit together.
In the past couple of months since I got my 5th (and hopefully sticky BFP), I have been back to the EPU dept a few times and seen couples coming out of the consultation rooms in floods of tears - it breaks my heart as I know what they are going through. My experiences have made me so aware of other women's pain, and my heart goes out to anyone who has gone through this heartbreak. I thought I would never have a happy ending, and even now I am terrified to get excited in case it happens again. Sending love and hugs to everyone who has had a loss or losses. I hope it's not long before you all get your long deserved BFPs xxxxx

 

[Corrinne37]

lovely post Fliss.
I remember your loss in Dec 2012, I was at the same stage as you then and wanted us to share the journey together, I was so sad when you lost your little bean, couldn't believe you had lost your number 4.
So scared the same would happen to me again, but i was lucky to get my 3rd time lucky.

So, so happy you got your 5th time lucky, i truly believe things happen for a reason and you have the children you are meant to have at a time it is all meant to happen.
Please have faith ladies all were work out.

I remember as clear as day how it feels to be told you have lost a baby, and so hopeful to be told you have lost another baby.
I can remember feeling like i had been hit by a train, and everything inside had been knocked straight out of me just leaving a shell.
Never ever would want to go back to that, but you will come through it, one day you will be lucky be 3rd time, 5th time or even 12th time lucky!! Take strenght from this thread xxx