should i walk away? advice needed

[rachie29]

i need some advice please....

when i first told my best friend i was pg, we went through a really tough time. She really really wants kids and although she is happy for me, it was clear that she really struggled with it. If i am honest, i underestimated how hard it would hit her, she admitted she was jealous but that she was dealing with it. She said some things to me that were pretty hurtful, she made me feel like the worst person in the world for being pg and that i was inconsiderate because i didnt take her feelings about my pregnancy into account. She also made comments about my OH and I's previous lifestyle choices (we were quite the party animals if you know what i mean) and that she didnt think my OH would be able to give that up, and if he didnt she would have to intervene because thats her job (she's a social worker).

We seemed to work through it, despite her telling me that she might not be able to handle it when the baby came and really has tried to get involved. Last week she told me that she felt i had withdrawn from her over the last few months, she has been ill and i havent been round to see her all the time. I have told her that things are very different, that i have been tired a lot and have a lot going on. Its almost as if she feels that our relationship should be exactly the same, even though she knows it cant be because my priorities have changed. I told her i had backed off because of what she had said when she first found out i was pg, and that i wouldnt be able to deal with it if i had the baby and then she turned round and told me she couldnt handle it, in the way or timescale she would expect because i would have the baby.

She txt me at 4am this morning to tell me to leave her alone unless i hadanything worthwhile to say. I have been trying to contact her all over xmas. My OH thinks I should leave it, that I have enough to deal with, and if I am honest i think i knew this would happen, that as i approached due date or even after i would say or do something that would upset her, i dont think i could have won, when i have backed off i dont care, and when i have seen her and talked about the pregnancy i have been patronising.

sorry for long post but I need some female advice, she has been my closest friend for 9 years, and i really wanted her to be part of this but i dont know if i can take anymore.

and for the record my OH has been fantastic!

 

[purple13]

oh hon... how hard for you

i don't think your friend had any right to make comments about what sort of parents you and your OH will be - your previous lifestyle choices are no reflection on the love and life that you will give your child (OH and i weren't exactly well behaved pre-trog...). but then again, people say some pretty horrible things when they're hurting, and don't actually mean a word of it; not that that's any excuse...

i don't know how close you are, but i'm guessing that she's probably trying to adjust to a life where she will be one notch lower on your list of priorities. that coupled with jealousy for your pregnancy is obviously making her pretty hard to be friends with at the moment.

you don't need the stress and upset from all of this right now. and i don't know how much you still want her friendship?

i think if i was in your position, i'd probably write her a letter telling her how much her friendship means, how you know how much she's hurting that she hasn't yet had children, but how very happy you and your OH are? maybe tell her that you are missing your old friendship? then just say that you are aware that being around her is just causing her more hurt and that you're going to back off and wait for her to call you. i don't know if you're going to have your LO christened but if so, maybe asking her to be a godparent could help (if you wanted her as one obviously!)

it just sounds like she's in a pretty messed up place at the moment. i think its up to you as to whether you want to persevere or walk away... but i don't think anyone would blame you if you've had enough.

 

[KJL]

that's a difficult situation to be in I think you are best to leave her to sort her head out and let her make the first move if and when she is ready. This is obviously her problem, not yours, and you have enough to contend with with a baby on the way. It's a shame when these things happen but it's her jealousy and pride that are causing the rift and I think anything you do or say at the moment will just be adding fuel to the fire. It is a shame that she is having trouble getting pg but it is no way your fault and her reaction seems somewhat selfish and unfair. I think maybe let her know one more time that you are always there for her but then back off completely and leave her to her problems. It's always sad when a friendship starts to break down but these things do happen and hopefully one day she'll realise how unfair she's being to you and things will improve again. Anyway just worry about yourself and your health, that's the most important thing right now

 

[mrsbrickelltobe]

although i can understand how hard it is for her as in the 16mths we were ttc everyone esle gpr pregnant.
However, not once did i let my disapointment show, i had to be happy for the people around me
I think she is being hard and inconsiderate to you at this already emotional tiome being pg.

also, on a proffessional level, she wouldnt be able to act on any of her concerns regarding your parenting, as she knows you, and tbh, i think she has a damn cheek threatening you with it. im in a similar line of work, and if i had major concerns abourt somebody, if i knew them, id have to report them to my suipervisor and they would check them out. Im sure if this was done, theyd see all is well with you and your ptr, and that their colleague is taking things too personally.

i would let her know that your very busy at the moment preparing for new baby so cannnot be bothered to get into tiffs with her. Tell her you both need time out, to take care, and youll speak to her in the future. wish her all the best ttc, and i think its all you can do xxx


good luck x

 

[rachie29]

thanks for your replies. Its true she is in a very messed up place right now, she hasnt been working as she has been ill and i dont think anything i say or do will help.

i had thought about writing to her and I think thats what i'll do once i have figured out how to say it.

 

[leckershell]

I would say you should leave her to it. She'll have to work these things out for herself because why should you feel guilty about having a baby? Don't let her feelings make you feel guilty about your baby.

I don't mean to sound harsh at all, I know she must be in a difficult place right now but there are some friends that you don't always need around and any sort of negative vibes towards you or your baby aren't needed when you are so near the end of your pregnancy.

Me and my OH used to go out every night but now our priorities have changed. Some friends we have made, others we have lost.

Sorry if that sounded really blunt... Ryan's screaming at me at the mo... do what is right for you but if it was me I would leave her to chill out. Writing a letter may be a good idea. x

 

[Babylicious]

I would say walk away, however she feels it's not fair for her to take it out on you. I feel she would only continue to be like this

 

[Warley]

I think if I was you I would leave her to sort her head out. She will realise (if she is any decent sort of friend) that your baby is not going to come between your friendship. It may take a while though. Also if you try and get back into her affections the ball will always be in her court, you will always be the one on "eggshells" around her constantly worrying and pandering to her, if you have said the wrong thing to upset her. If you leave her to sort her head out you may find she goes back to normal again.

Just a thought if she is that desperate to have kids perhaps she should change her job, I know that Social work is one of the most stressful jobs in the world. I was a teacher last year and we tried for 8 months before realising I was far too stressed. Changed jobs took us 2 weeks to concieve..just goes to show! Tell her to sod the money, happiness is more important!

Good luck!

 

[girlygirl]

yeah, i say walk away too. Even with her situation, she should be happy for you as an individual.
I know its hard tho as youve been mates so long.I have a mate who is jeallous too, so im not making 1st contact, just letting her. But she has been funny with me for a few years.
You will make new mates, and who needs best mates like that.

 

[Candygirl]

Dont take this the wrong way - but Im surprised that she calls herself ur friend. Friends are happy for each other when exciting things like this happen (pregnancy) regardless of ur personal situation. I think its very selfish of her to treat you like she has.
Yes I can understand how she must feel, but thats no reason to take it out on you - she should be happy for you and supportive no matter what.

I think you should tell her how this is making you feel. At least then she might realise what a strain she is putting on your friendship let alone your pregnancy. If she is your true friend she will put ur friendship first and realise that she is being silly!

Good luck
xx

 

[Full of hope!]

Oh dear this is an awful situation to be in

Up until a year or two ago I thought i'd never be able to have a baby myself, I was on medication which would definatly cause fetal abnormalities but thankfully I got sorted out and was able to stop taking the medication. During the time I was taking it I was so upset and distraught everytime family or friends had a baby but I never let it show. I was upset for myself NOT at them for having a baby and I never once behaved in the inoppropriate way that your friend has with you.

It hurts like hell when you can't get pregnant and it something that you want more than anything in the world but you can't take it out on other people!

I'm happily pregnant now but my best friend has been ttc for over a year with no luck. We have talked a lot about how she feels and she understands that I know what she's going through but she is still over the moon for me! I also have another friend who will never be able to have children (medical reasons) and she has taken things a lot harder and our friendship, I feel, has become strained. To be honest, I have been keeping my distance and letting her contact me when she wants to. I don't want to put he in situations that she can't cope with.

Good luck with your friend and with whatever you decide to do and a big congratulations on your pregnancy

 

[kalia]

I agree with your OH - I think you should just leave it. She has been selfish and inconsiderate. You are at a time when you need to be selfish. And once baby is born of course he or she will come first. I know you consider her to be your best friend but I wonder if she is now or if she is just a friend you have known a long time.
If you can bear it, I would suggest you don't get in touch with her. You have nothing to repair so I don't think a letter will fix things. She has repairing to do but it doesn't sound like she will. Maybe if there is nothing between you for a little bit it would give time for everything to blow over? Text her when baby is born to tell her. Text her a week or so later to say you'd love for her to meet baby and to give you a call any time she'd like to meet up. That would show you'd put her behaviour in the past and maybe allow you two to move on. And it puts the ball firmly in her court in regards to getting in touch.
It seems to me that most mums are best friends with parents of children the same age as their own. And these friendships seem to last long after the babies grow. You may naturally find yourself moving on if the option is a best friend who treats you poorly and one who empathises.

 

[rachie29]

thanks everyone. You've all confirmed my gut feeling which is to leave her to it. OH has decided enough is enough anyway.

i am sad it has come to this, but after another long text from her last night calling me selfish and hurtful and that i've barely seen her for 2 mths and I might ignore in the new year ( baby is due in 3 wks!) I have decided to walk away. Its painful, but it is the right thing to do.