Problem with my mother regarding homebirth

[moss]

My mother is visiting from the US until September. This was planned before I knew I would be having a baby in August. Before I had mentioned homebirth to my her, she would always talk about how she would not be in the labour suite with me because she wouldn't be able to handle it (seeing me in distress and also she had to have a section) and because she wouldn't have wanted her mother to be there. She squirms at anything painful looking on television, and gets stressed and takes it personally when I am uncomfortable. I mentioned homebirth in general a while ago and she seemed very sceptical...

Now, I am most likely having a homebirth. I had assumed that things wouldn't change just because I wouldn't be in a hospital room, and I suggested we look into nearby B&Bs for when I go into labour. I think I would really rather her go somewhere anyway because this is something between my husband and me (and my midwives I suppose haha). When I brought it up, though, she acted hurt and started saying things to make me feel guilty about not wanting her there. I explained my reasoning and she said she could stay in her room.

I don't want her to just shut herself in her room! Well, for one thing I doubt she would just stay in there because she would be too curious and concerned, but also I would feel stressed about how she's doing when I should be focussing on myself. She just makes me feel guilty anytime I try to bring it up. I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[Penstraze]

As much as you don't want to hurt your Mum it is so important that you are as happy and comfortable as you can be about your birth, this is your birth, shes staying in your house and Im afraid your just going to have to put your foot down and stick to your guns! Obviously do it in the nicest way possible, explain to her how you would feel if she was sat in her room just waiting and that its important you can feel relaxed about your birth not guilty or preasured into anything I really hope she understands and stops guilt tripping you over it my Mum would probably be just the same and make me feel just as guilty and torn!!

Is there a friend or relation who your Mum might be able to spend the time your in labour with so she doesn't feel pushed out to a b&b? Is there a job or something you could give your Mum to make her feel involved and wanted maybe keeping people informed of your progress or making meals to freeze for after baby comes so no one has to worry about cooking?

 

[Mildly]

I would be very firm with her, this is your birth and if having her in the house is going to needlessly distress or worry you then it would be much better for her to be in a B&B. I would also let her know that this is the way it will be sooner rather than later just so you all know where you stand.

Having my Mum at the birth would completely freak me out so I don't envy you having to tell her

 

[moss]

Just to give everyone an idea of how she has been lately (she's been very strange - we usually get along so well), yesterday my husband and I were going to go to the uni library to go online because there are some things we need to sort out. It's free there and we're trying to save every last penny we have (we don't have much and she knows that!)... She was quiet and sulky seeming. She was kind of snappy at me, as well. I thought maybe she was in a bad mood because it was early and she was still tired. Then, I asked her if she wanted to come- meaning we had to go to a cafe and buy drinks to get free wi-fi. She got tears in her eyes and said yes, she wanted to come, and she was then acting normally again. She keeps getting upset anytime my husband and I want to do anything on our own, which is VERY RARE because we want to include her while she is here. She has been bringing up the times we spend together without her in arguments and trying to make me feel guilty. I don't know where this is coming from, and it's really having a bad effect on our relationship. I know that if I bring up this problem it will break down into a HUGE fight because she just can't be rational lately. I can't take the stress when I already have so much to worry about. She has been picking fights whenever my husband isn't around (rarely when he is) and she is acting extremely jealous of him even though she normally loves him and loves the relationship I have with him.

 

[Penstraze]

Are you and only child? Perhaps you Mum is going through abit of emotional time with you becoming a Mum yourself soon so you wont be her baby so much anymore but a grown up mummy caring for your own child perhaps shes clinging to you and spending time with you whilst she feels she still can or something. I would sit her down and ask her whats going on, tell her your worried about the negative effect its on your relationship and how its putting extra stress on you which you can't cope with right now, she might not even have noticed shes doing it, really hope you can get to bottom of it and sort it so you can enjoy this time together and not have all these falling outs!

 

[abcd1234]

As harsh as it may sound you need to sit you're mum down and tell her to stop acting like a child (or ask her whats wrong, either will work)

It is YOUR birth, YOUR baby, and YOUR home!!! Never forget that, and make it clear to her exactly how you feel. maybe bring up her previous comment about not being around.

FWIW i cant bare the thought of anyone but my mum and Dave being around when i give birth, i dont want others seeing that.

 

[lauramumof2]

I think you have to be firm with her. Things at home have to be as you want them for you to be relaxed about birthing at home. So a hotel or b&b it will have to be.

 

[Sherlock]

I'd stick to what you want and get her into a B&B the day you go into labour.

TBH having had a homebirth it was only something I wanted to share with my OH. Having a homebirth made is much more personal and intimate between us and even the MW's faded into the background as much as possible and kept their distance and left me and OH to it. I could not imagine my mother being there during any of it as it really was for the two of us. I'd not have wanted her at the birth at home or in hospital tbh. My OH was my birth partner and was the only person I felt I needed to have with me.

You mother may also be having issues with her yet to be born grandchild. If she is living in the US she is not going to see much of LO once born perhaps and maybe she is reacting this way without realising? Just a thought.

Others have given good advice. Hopefully you can work it out and get your Mum into a B&B for your labour. Her staying in her room won't work as a) you'll know she is there and probably won't relax as you need to b) you'll make noise and if labouring at night she will hear it all I am sure and c) its your birth, your baby and your choice....

 

[Sandi4Paul]

maybe remind her how long a labur can be and then ask her does she really want to sit in her room for that whole time?

Or send her off to otehr family members if you have some close by.

sandi

 

[Redshoes]

Your Mum obviously loves and cares for you so she should understand and respect your wishes. Personally I would tell her she has to go out when you are in labour, it's not about her or her feelings, it is about you and your OH, I can completely understand your wishing it to be the two of you, and MW's, and you shouldn't let her sulking upset or change your mind, if you're not comfortable it will affect your labour, has she thought about that? Your Mum is being selfish and childish and I would just have to tell her to grow up and consider the pregnant woman and Daddy, not herself! Very best wishes, it must be hard, but tell her straight and talk about how she can be there for you

 

[moss]

Thank you for all of your replies! I am considering first trying to calmly speak to my mother about it and if that doesn't work, I may ask my midwife to be there as a mediator and to explain things when she comes for my home visit on 18 July. It is as if my mother has lost all ability to be rational with me. She could be like that to an extent previously, but not as badly as now.

I am an only child, and that was a good point. We live very far from each other and it will be difficult for her when I am a mother and she is a grandmother, but there is so much distance between us. I have told her she can visit as often as she wants, but she doesn't have tons of money. I have, however, offered to buy her a plane ticket for every Christmas because the exchange rate is so good that it wouldn't be much for us to do and it is that important for me that my baby knows my mother well. Also, my father has offered to get her over here as much as possible despite the fact they have been divorced for years. I think she has lost perspective.

I may try to talk to her tonight, depending on how we both seem to be feeling. I'm terrified though because when she gets upset everything gets incredibly stressful and emotional, whether I try to stay calm, let her provoke me or just walk away from it.

Wish me luck!