I can honestly tell you that c-section is not the easy way out it seems to be right now. Not only do you have a lot of medical intervention, you cant get out of bed for the first 24 hours. We couldnt breastfeed, had a real struggle and I managed it a few times before my milk supply dried up. Standing up is agony, sitting down is agony. Lying down on the bed is almost impossible and once youre down your baby starts crying and even though hes right next to you you can just lean sideways to comfort him, you have to get up and walk around cos twisting is out of the question. Aside from the physical the emotional issues can take even longer to recover from. I was on the postnatal ward looking at my baby and I couldnt even sit up to get him. I had waited 9 months and was so excited to meet him and didnt get to hold him for a really long time afterwards.
Im gonna quote a post I made about 6 weeks ago about my emotional recovery and bonding issues;
"Im really struggling to get over the way Morgan was born
I can honestly say it was the worst week of my life.
I keep running everything through my head, I feel like I need answers to so many pedantic questions. Like on my notes it said that Id had gas and air during labour and I didnt. I want to run up to the hospital and demand an explanation for this insignificant oversight. I have no idea why or what it might achieve.
Every night when I go to bed I spend a good half hour before I fall asleep just remembering everything that happened. Sometimes I make myself cry. Im so tired looking after a newborn and yet as soon as I get into bed I dont sleep. Im starting to dread bedtime. I dunno why Im torturing myself.
I really feel like Im still waiting for him to be born. I didnt feel him being born, I didnt see him after he was born, my feet barely touched the floor of the labour ward before we were in surgery. I was never officially in labour. I remember being in recovery and looking down at my abdomen and being genuinely shocked that i wasnt pregnant anymore. I cant relate my baby to myself or my pregnancy. It feels like the whole pregnancy was some kind of dream or I was someone else. Most days I feel like Im looking after someone elses baby. Its a REALLY long baby sitting job.
I dont know what it feels like to give birth, I dont know what that moment, that everyone talks about, when you see your baby for the first time, feels like. Until yesterday I didnt know what breast feeding felt like.
I watched that "Cherry has a baby" programme the other day and they showed a clip of a woman have a hypno water birth. I was so excited to do that, it was exactly how I had visualised my own birth so many times. The moment that baby was born was amazing, and when she lifted her baby up and he just started breast feeding I completely broke down. OH had to take Morgan from my arms and he kept asking me what was wrong and I couldnt even speak.He stopped asking pretty quick cos he knew exactly what was wrong.
I cant read any of the posts in the 'new arrivals section' at the mo. I feel really selfish cos so many people read mine and left such lovely comments, but I just cant even open the section let alone read the birth stories. Im so sorry for that. I wish I could celebrate the births of all our lovely PF babies!
I went to a breast feeding suport group and had a lump in my throat just saying to a woman that Id had a ceasarian. It was so much effort not to burst into tears. Ive gone from being super confident and excited about giving birth to being totally afraid of getting pregnant again. I just cant go through that again
Im so sad that its gone this way, I feel like Ive been robbed of this experience forever. Even though in the hospital they told me the surgeon assessed me as 'suitable forVBAC' I was told Id have to have continuous monitoring etc... To be honest the only way I could imagine giving birth again would be if i didnt have to go into hospital. Im so afraid of that place. All the wires and the monitors and needles. I know thats not going to happen, I wont ever be allowed a home birth, I will always be 'high risk' because Ive had preeclampsia and a c section."
Although you might be feeling scared of the labour right now, you should be a lot more scared of the c-section. I know this reads quite pushy and i dont mean it to sound that way, but I really dont want you to go through what I, and so many others did
talk to your midwife about how youre feeling, part of their job is to help you when youre scared. Its a big deal giving birth, but it really is a miracle when you see your baby for the first time.
morgan is 3 months old now.
