Raped and now concerned about who the babies father is so scared

[Tiffanyg]

Hello

I was assaulted and raped in April this year by my friends boyfriend. I don’t want to go in to detail however I don’t want it to seem consensual and like im just “crying rape” as my friend says! She was having a party at her house everyone was drunk, I wasn’t as I had work the next morning. I decided to go to bed at about 1am as I was sleeping at hers I went to her bedroom and got into bed in my underwear. About 10 minutes later I got woken up by someone in the bed next too me, the person then started touching me up and I turned round and realised it was her boyfriend. I told him to get off of me and he kept begging me for sex, I refused and tried to get out but he had locked the door (it’s a key lock) he then pushed me to the bed and raped me, it was not protected and he did finish inside.

I was so scared to tell anyone as I know what he and his friends are capable of, I never thought of taking the morning after pill because I was just overwhelmed with shock for days. A week later I told my boyfriend of 5 years and we reported him to the police and the case is currently ongoing.

The rape occurred on the 4th of April and my LMP before that was the 23rd of March. My boyfriend asked me to take a test 4 days before my next period was due which I did and it was negative (me and my boyfriend hadn’t had sex for 2 months before that) I then came on on the 26th but it only lasted a day and then stopped.

On the 6th of May me and my boyfriend tried to have sex as it was my birthday. We are ALWAYS careful and he put a condom on, he didn’t finish at all and the sex only lasted literally 2 minutes because I ended up pushing him off me in tears because of the memories, we have not had sex since.

I took a test on the 20th of May which produced a clear positive result. I then had spotting so I booked in for an early scan, they told me on the 21st of May I was 5 weeks gone. I then went back on the 10th of June and they told me I was 7 weeks gone.

I saw a doctor 29th of July who gave me a scan and said I was 13 weeks 4 days pregnant.

Although the date matches up to be my boyfriends baby I don’t see how it could be, we used a condom he did not finish and it didn’t even last long. Is there ANYWAY it could be the other mans baby??? Or can I disqualify him completely. I will not be getting an abortion if it is I just want to know my chances so I can withdraw from telling friends and only tell very close family as I will have the baby adopted. Obviously if it is my boyfriend I want to be excited as its my first pregnancy and tell everyone and buy baby things. I can not afford a pre natal dna tests as they are nearly 1000 pounds, I just want to know my chances. It seems so remote that its my boyfriends considering how careful we are. I have heard of pre cum but have heard that’s only if they have came shortly before sex and haven’t had a wee or anything (he did wee before sex and was at work before we tried too)

I also am ashamed to admit it but due to the stress I was drinking alcohol often could that have contributed to wrong dates due to it effecting babies size?

My sister who is 8 months pregnant told me that if his sperm had lived 7 days and implantation took 19 days then it would amount to how far along I am now, is this true?
Please someone just advise me… here are a list of dates

23-03-14- start of period
04-04-14- rape
22-04-14- negative test
26-04-14 period although only one day
07-05-14 sex (read details)
20-05-14- positive pregnancy test
21-05-14- 5 weeks pregnant at scan because of spotting
29-07-14- 13 weeks 4 days pregnant at scan

 

[nicejuicypear]

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear you were raped and find yourself in this situation. I hope you are coping, with the support of your boyfriend and family.

I used a due date calculator on pregnology and put your dates in. The period you had on the 26th of April would put you at 13 weeks and 3 days on the 29th of July, which almost exactly matches your scan date. The 12/13 week scan date is usually considered to be fairly accurate. If you were to use your period date of 23rd of March, then you should be 18 weeks and 2 days at your 29th July scan.

I think it's highly unlikely that the rapist's sperm survived in you for 7 days and then implantation took 19 days. Sperm can survive for a few days and implantation can take a bit longer in some cases but that seems to be pushing it quite a bit. The time frame your sister suggested would see implantation taking place on the 30th of April, which would mean you would be about 3.5 weeks pregnant then (don't count the weeks for this, I'm working on the usual age of an embryo at implantation because if it implanted late the dates won't work off LMP). If this was the case, you'd be measuring 16 weeks and 3 days at your July 29th scan.

I don't think the drinking will have affected the size of the foetus to the extent that you're measuring 3-5 weeks behind. I think it's most likely from the dates that it's your boyfriend's baby. But of course, it will only be certain if you have a DNA test after birth. I don't think the precum theory is that unlikely, though I don't know enough about it- I was under the impression it can happen any time, not just from a recent previous ejaculation?

I honestly don't think you'll get a clear answer until the baby is born. I don't see how the dates can make it the rapist's baby at all but I think you'll always have that doubt in the back of your mind until you know for sure. I hope you resolve the situation in the best way possible.

 

[Lyllian]

Im so sorry for what you have been and are going through, I cant even begin to imagine . Have you been in contact with anyone such as Rape Crisis? I have some correspondance with them through work and they offer a really good support service. Just something to consider if you havent already http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/.

Im really rubbish working out dates but I've counted a few times and cant figure how it could be the rapists baby. The dates make it far more likely to be your boyfriends. I havent heard that about pre cum. I was under the impression it contained sperm regardless of if they had been to the bathroom first etc and always thought you could get preg from it.

Until the babys born you will always doubt paternity. I really hope you get the answer you want. Stay strong xx

 

[tinselcat]

Sorry to hear about your harrowing experience

I just did a manual countdown from your dates and the pregnancy would correspond with a period starting around 25 april, give or take a couple of days.

I know you were using protection, but my parents used the same form and so my brother was an unexpected surprise to them. It does seem hard to explain but the datescertainly match up with your boyfriend & not the stuff a few weeks before that.

Best wishes xx

 

[Melily24]

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. I agree with the others, its sounds like its your boyfriends baby,
the date you would have to be pg with the rapists baby is just too a big a gap.
I wish you loads of strength in the coming period, big hug. xxx

 

[Tiffanyg]

I am just so confused because we have had full sex and finishing in a condom so many times before and now this time im pregnant, doesn't really make sense too me Is there anyway I can find out the babies ethnicity before it is born? i am white and so was the person who assulted me, however my boyfriend is full black so finding out if the baby is mixed will make me feel more at ease as it would 100% be my boyfriends. On the scan photos the baby has big lips but I know thats nothing to go by as some babies just have big lips.

Me and my sister who is one of the only people I have told seems to think it was the person that assaulted me. She said that if the sperm had lived 5 days (bringing it up to 9th of April) then conception/fertilization/implantation and all that took 19 days then It would have been 28th of April I had got pregnant, hence why it said I was 5 weeks gone at the 21st scan if couting 2 weeks behind.

Truthfully I just want to eliminate him from being the potential father so I can sort my life out and know where this pregnancy is going. No matter how supportive my boyfriend is he is doubtful he is the father too and that makes me sad as I wanted us to both enjoy and be excited when I had my first pregnancy but he seems disconnected like its upsetting him and I know thats not his fault, he is never nasty about it I just know how caring and excited he would be if he didn't have these doubts.

On my sheet from the midwife it said my LMP was 26th of April however im unsure if thats because i told them that. The baby did measure a day ahead. I don't want to tell my midwife about the situation as its too personal for confrontation but I said to her that I think the dates are off as I only had protected sex and she said that they are usually very accurate.

I suppose my question in all is how long at the maximum can it take before you are actually pregnant (like max length time for conception fertilization implantation etc) its a weird situation as I had a "period" and negative test after the assult yet me and my boyfriend had protected sex that can barely be counted as sex for a few minutes

 

[mum2b410]

I'm no good with dates hun- sorry! Just wanted to express my sympathy for the awful situation you have been through and only wish u strength and happiness for the future *hugs* xxx

 

[Lyllian]

I dont think you can tell features from scans, even 4D ones. Features can look distorted in imaging so the lips wouldnt be a good indicator.

it is technically possible to do blood tests for dna in uterio, but it has a very high risk of termination so im not sure any doctor would be willing to do it. Do any other girls know if they can examine dna from amniocentisis?

I understand you wouldnt want to tell your mw. What if you call the maternity unit at you local hospital, explain you dont want to give your name and tell them the siituation, get their opinion? Then you will have a professionals opion but your mw will never know unless you decide to tell her xx

 

[Sprk]

Very sorry to hearabout what happened. I'm bad with dates, but as far as I know implantation takes about 9 days at the most. 19, as suggested by your sister seems way off. Condoms aren't fool proof, so it can be your boyfriend's baby. The only way to know for sure, will be to have a test after baby is born. I urge you to the crisis centre some one above recommended. Don't be afraid to seek out the help you need. Xxxx

 

[RhondaLou]

I'm sorry I'm not good with dates but wanted to say sorry you are having to go through this. It's bad enough that you were raped but now you are struggling to move on.

I will say though that condoms can fail you and it sounds from what the other girlies are saying that it could very well be your boyfriends baby. You are so lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend Hun.

I do hope you can sort this out in the best way for you and that you will be able to put your assault behind you one day. Whatever the outcome my grandma always says there are worse things in life than babies. You have created a miracle regardless of if you decide to adopt out.

All the very best to you chic take care of yourself and I hope your future is bright xx

 

[Applecrumble]

There might be a test that could tell you the dna wise, but you may have to give a clinic a call to research further.

I am thinking of the harmony blood test. Taken at post 10 weeks, it gets sent to america and gives DNA information so I do wonder whether they could help with genetics. The test is expensive though but in your situation there maybe support funding available.

 

[Hoping for no2]

So sorry for what you've been through and hope you can get some help hon to deal with it.

From the dates you've given it would be medically impossible for the rapist to be the father hon. At 5 weeks pregnant it's actually only 3 weeks ish from conception. Implantation can't take 19 days.The dates are too far off hon so I really think it must be your boyfriends. The 12 week scan is pretty accurate it may be out by days but couldn't be out by weeks.

I can understand that you want to know for sure with a DNA test but I'm sure if you spoke to the doctor they would tell you its impossible for the tapist to be the father.

Big hugs xx

 

[szbrown]

I was just browsing this forum and felt the urge to create an account to post to you on here, from personal experience my dates have never been more than a week out, I know this because I can pin point the exact date I had sex. I have had four pregnancies and usually they are pretty accurate, however what I will say is that despite what midwifes say they are ONLY an estimate that goes on how big the baby is. For example there are plenty of conditions a baby could have where it is smaller than average or if it is just a small baby, they will say you are not as far along as you actually are because the computer generates the dates based on the measurements and there can be things that get in the way of the baby developing at a normal rate, however saying this is rare but not unheard of, but they probably would have told you by now. I can't say for sure if drink would have caused growth abnormalities but I drunk up to 12 weeks heavily with my first child because I didn't know I was pregnant, and she measured out by a day or two but that's normal for some babies.

I am sorry for your situation and I really hope that its your boyfriends baby and if not I pray you are able to move on from this situation. I know that pre natal DNA tests are expensive as well as that you probably wont find a doctor that will do one since they know abortion may be a result of one, also it can be dangerous to the baby, perhaps if you still want one you could maybe take out a loan of some sort and possibly try to claim it back when you go to court with the rapist since he is the reason your having to take one.

I don't want to be swayed to be untruthful since I am hoping this baby is your boyfriends but I will just say what I think. If you had sex on the 4th and the sperm lived for 5 days that would make it the 9th when the sperm met your egg. If it then took 12 days for the egg to implant this would bring you up to the 21st, you then may have had a period and negative test because the process took so long that you hadn't produced enough HCG to prevent a period and get a positive test. This would mean that your scan is out by around 4 days.

i think that is right, perhaps some of the other ladies could help me out? I am not sure if I am correct in saying that.

I wish you the best of luck with your baby and your relationship and I hope that evil man gets what he deserves.

 

[Lyllian]

Im not certain but I recall my obgyn at the high risk unit telling me you dont get big and small babies early on, they are standardised if you like. Is tri three before you get big and small. Is why measuing/dating is so innaccurate in first weeks and why people gain a week etc by 12 week scan. If theres no abnormalities detected then the 12 week scans pretty accurate for dating so is unlikely she has a 'small baby'.

 

[nicejuicypear]

Even if you implanted on the 28th of April, you still wouldn't be 5 weeks at the scan. You'd already be cconsidered at least 3 weeks, more like 3.5 weeks pregnant at the point of implantation. So a scan 3 weeks later would put you over 6 weeks.

You don't add two weeks onto the implantation date, you add two weeks onto the ovulaton/fertilisation date. By the time a embryo implants at normal rates, which is around 6-12 days, you're pregnant by 2 weeks plus 6-12 days. Technically, you should be counting the to weeks at starting on the 11th of April, using your sister's theory, because that's the latest possible date that your egg couldhave ffertilised. Doing this would make you 17 weeks and 3 days on July 29th.

When you hear of people implanting late, that usually takes into account a later fertilisation date than usual ovulation. To say you implanted 26 days after the rape is pretty impossible. The only reason I know this is because when I had ivf, I obsessively googled the latest date you could get a bfp after ovulation and it was well before 26 days!

I do think it's worth speaking to your midwife because there might be some options available to you regarding determining paternity. An amniocentesis can detect gender by dna analysis so it might be able to identify race. That's if they can't help you with a dna test. Also, they might be able to provide counselling regarding the possible adoption process.

 

[Tiffanyg]

Do you think I can rule him out completely then or is there still a chance?
I'm so hurt recently I've started considering abortion, it's tearing me and my boyfriend apart I'm getting angry at him because I'm stressed and I can tell he's upset deep down but he won't say it. I have considered booking a 4d scan to see if the baby has any features that are distinguishable such as big lips big nose afro hair etc but the baby won't have hair for a few more weeks. My midwife called and asked if the pregnancy was planned and I said no and was considering abortion. She said I need to make my mind up by next week because after 15 weeks it gets more complex.

It's just a feeling I'm getting that feels like I know the babies his

 

[Lyllian]

Just to warn you talking about abortiin on this forum is banned so careful what you say hun.

As I said in jy last post, 4D scans wont show any distinguishable features, hair colour also doesnt show up ss theyre all in a browny orange toe. Features are distorted. It wont be a reliable way to tell. They also generally dont do them until after 24weeks. I had one at 27 weeks, cant say it looks like either me or my husband andmto be honestnif you google them, they all very much look the same even at this stage on 4d scan pics.

obviously dna post birth id the only definite way. But general consensus here as you can see is he other guys dates dont add up but your boyfriends do. Think thats as much as anyone here can say. Id talk to your midwife she will be able to give a professiinal opinion and unfortunately she has probably heard it before hun xx

 

[nicejuicypear]

I would like to say you could rule him out, because I can't see in any way how the dates and scans could work. However, I wouldn't like to get your hopes up completely. I don't know if a 4d scan would help, not sure how reliable babies features are in scans.

Please consider speaking openly to your midwife. She won't judge you, she will only help you. I realise it would be difficult to tell her, perhaps you could take someone in with you? Even if she can't arrange a DNA test, she will be able to refer you for counselling and she will be much more understanding about a post-15 week termination if she knows the background.


(Generally, speaking about termination is banned on this forum, however I really hope the mods overlook this given the difficult circumstances.)

 

[tinselcat]

Hi hon

Your sister may be 8 months pregnant but I just don't buy the 19 days implantation technicality thing - as soon as the egg is fertilised it starts dividing immediately and grows exponentially, it doesn't have 3 weeks off doing nothing not growing.

In very very early pregnancy (pre-8-weeks), sometimes the dating seems to be out by a week or two but by 12 weeks it's pretty accurate, and not going to be 4 weeks out.

I strongly urge you get some medical opinions as I think that's going to be the only thing that re-assures you, because (even if you can't work out how it happened), the dates all seem to point to your boyfriend. If you would find it too difficult to talk about it to a midwife or doctor, perhaps write down (or print your forum post out) before you go, so you don't have to say the words out loud.

All the best xx

 

[Tiffanyg]

I don't know just seems so un realistic that I would get pregnant during a time where I used a condom didn't finish and barley counts as sex when me and my boyfriend have done it sooo many times before (and a few unprotected) and nothing happened