Its rant o'clock!!

[KirstyL]

How do you all get on with your in-laws? Partners? In general?!
Seriously, this being pregnant is turning me into a wreck!! Some of you know my OH & I had problems a while back, but we are working through them, and we’re seeing each other again, he hasn’t moved in, (he didn’t live with me anyway) and he’s only staying over the weekends for now, which is fine.
I made the mistake of trying to explain how I feel to him, impossible cause half the time I don’t even know how I’m feeling, lol, tried to explain that I’d like us to bring the baby up together properly, by living in the same house, and being a proper family, and all I get back is “you’re pushing me” “ if you don’t push me, then things will happen faster” “I only agreed to come back and try again for the sake of the baby” then yesterday he said that of course he’ll want to be there full time when the babies born, cause he’ll want to spend as much time as possible with him, but today I get “if we’re not ready to live together, and if we’re not getting on well enough, then we won’t be living together when he’s born” so I don’t know if I’m coming or going, and with all these strange emotions in me atm, I feel like I’m losing the plot L

Then today I get a text from his Mum, (in capital letters) telling me “GET OFF **** BACK FOR GODS SAKE – THREATS AGAIN EH? PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! CCAN’T TAKE IT SLOW CAN U?” Seriously, I wasn’t pushing him, well not in my eyes, I was trying to get him to understand how I’m feeling and that I want whats best for the baby, but I’m beginning to think what’s best for the baby is him and I not together, because I can’t deal with not knowing what’s going on from one minute to the next L I also haven’t threatened him, so not sure where she got that from!? All I said was, If things aren’t looking better between us, and if we haven’t made a decision about whether we’re going to be living together before Due Date, then maybe we should call it quits….in my eyes, that isn’t a threat, don’t know what you girlies think….?

ARGH!!! Right, that’s it, moan over, lol.xx

 

[Princess81]

Oh dear

It sounds like his mum needs to butt out anyway. I think it's fair enough that you should feel supported during your pregnancy and to have some kind of committment from him that he will be there for you and baby when he's born.

I don't know what to say really, it seems as if you ask him for reassurances then he just backs off. It's difficult though, why should you be sat there not knowing what's going on.

Not much use hun, sorry.

 

[KirstyL]

Haha, his mum is usually so lovely, she's obviously worried about him being "forced" to do something he doesn't want to do, i.e - live with me!
Knowing that's he said he'll want to be around full time when bubs is born, makes me feel a bit useless, like he isn't interested in me, just the baby Exactly that - asking him for commitments, results in him running in the opposite direction, can't win!
I know, I don't deal well with uncertainty, and like to know what's going on, but can't control life I guess.
xx

 

[Princess81]

No, you can't control life, but with the fact that you are carrying his child it would be nice to think he'll be there, for the baby AND you. I dunno, does he have committment issues?

 

[KirstyL]

Yeah I know, he's always said he'll be there for the baby whatever happens with us, which is good I suppose, but I need him too!
I don't know about the commitment issues tbh, I know he had problems in a previous relationship, he said that his ex kept leaving and coming back every months, but he's since told me, it was her that kept taking him back, not the other way around. We had problems at the start of ours as well, he left, said he couldn't deal with my mood swings, said he still loved him ex blah blah, but eventually he came back to me, then he left again when I was in Tri 1, for 8 weeks, said he didn't want a relationship, then came back again, said we should try for the sake of the baby, and now this!! Says it's because I'm pushing him, and we should just let him happen, which I can understand, but he has all the time in the world, I have 16 weeks and then theres a new little person going to be here, just wanted everything sorted b4 he gets here, but should probably resign myself to the fact it may not be
xx

 

[jld123]

oh my god, his mum needs to grow up and butt out of her sons relationship.

sorry to hear your having to deal with this. You definately deserve better. x

 

[tinselcat]

Hi Kirsty

Regardless of who's "right" and who's "wrong" (if there even was such a thing), that's not a very nice message and if I had received a text like that, I would be upset - without any pregnancy hormones adding to the mix!

Do you have any friends in the area you could do stuff with, before your pregnancy makes it too hard to get out & do things? Even just going to the cinema or something. If your partner feels like he has some space, and you can take your mind off things for a bit, I just wonder if it might ease the tension a little.

xx

 

[Pudds86]

did you reply?

 

[Little Rose]

Hey. I agree with Tinselcat. Try and get on with things on your own and give him time to decide what the heck he wants. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you play it cool and lay off for a while maybe he'll see what he really wants. I know it's hard to stay away when you're heart is aching.

If you had some family or friends to plan things with it will keep your mind off it and give him space, just like Tinselcat said.

 

[dita_parlo]

To be honest, if that was me and I was pregnant and my partner was being so flaky about something so simple as moving in together, I wouldn't even give him time to think about what he wants, I'd decide myself and end it. I mean, you're having a baby together, why wouldn't he want to live with you and his child? I mean, fair enough if you're not together anymore, but if you're still together I don't understand why you wouldn't all live together as a family (bar circumstances such as uni/distance/etc...). And as for his mum, WTF how dare she send you a message like that. Fair enough if that's what she thinks, thats what she thinks, but she didn't need to bloody send you that message. What did she hope to achieve by it?!?!

I really hope you're OK hun, I feel passionately about this kind of thing, because my sister is in pretty much the same situation as you are (except her child is a year old!) and I just don't think it works really, having a child together but not living together. Hugs xxx

 

[Cantstop]

I don't know though, as devil's advocate is it not a bit old fashioned to expect your partner to move in with you essentially because you're pregnant? From the mother's pov (no argument she should butt out and not be texting you crap) it could come across as an ultimatum that if he doesn't move in with you you'll finish the relationship with him. From what you've said it doesn't sound like a great relationship at the moment and if he can't give you what you need (which seems to be a bit normality and stability) then maybe you will be better off out of it. I don't know all the details or anything though so feel free to ignore and please don't be offended, I probably don't know what I'm talking about!

 

[KirstyL]

Morning ladies I got no internet access at home, and my phone won't let me reply on forums?! So had to wait till I got in the work
So...
jld : tell me about it, she really does, I guess she just wants what is best for him, but considering he's 36, I think he is old enough to sort out his own problems!
tinselcat : Aww thanks, the text was horrible, and when I read it, I sat at my desk and burst into tears, I'm totally blaming the baby hormones cause I'm not that emotional normally
I don't have that many friends around here tbh, I lost touch with a lot of them, and because I work full time atm, I haven't realy met any new ones. Was thinking of doing aquanatal classes or similar though, so it gets me out of the house, and also around new people. The way I look at it, he isn't living with me, so surely he has his space on the nights he is by himself? I dunno.
Pudds86 : Nope, I didn't reply. Didn't think it was wise, cause I would have flipped and assuming we sort this out, then we'll have to be seeing each other at times, so an atmosphere is the last thing I need/want.
Little Rose : Yup, I understand that He said to me last night, that if I don't push him and just do normal things, then in time he'll hopefully think that things can work out, and he'll want to spend more and more time with me, to the point he moves in, I'm just worried that by the time the baby gets here, we'll still be living apart, and that isn't really the way we planned it I just think that by giving him and not asking him things, even though I desperately want to, is letting him have it his own way, and surely relationships should be equal?
dita_parlo : I know hun, but maybe moving in together isn't as "simple" for him, as it would be for us? Like I said, he's 36 and he hasn't lived with any of his previous partners yet, so he's probably a bit apprehensive and unsure that it'll work? Maybe me going on at him about when he's gonna move in isn't helping, and is in fact pushing him futher in the other direction . His mum - well I dunno what to say about that, she's probably had enough of me upsetting her precious son...sorry, that was a bit bitchy, I've just had about enough, of having to do all the backing down, and being unhappy cause he's not ready.
Sorry about your sister, it's not a nice situation, even harder I guess when lil'un is here
Cantstop : Oh I don't I don't expect him to move in because I'm pregnant, I expect him to move in, because before I fell pregnant, we talked about living together, saying we'd like to try for a baby, etc etc, then we fell pregnant (quite quickly considering), and I can only assume he got scared because the things we talked and planned for, were actually happening a lot sooner than expected. He was staying at mine 5 nights a week anyway, and behaved as if he lived here, but then he left, cold feet?! Then came back. I'm sorry if wanting us all to be together like planned is the wrong thing...yeah I did apologise to him last night for saying he should move in or leave. - it's not, it's far from great tbh, I just don't know how to make it better right now, or whether I should just call it quits.

Sorry for the massive long post!!
xx

 

[KirstyL]

Oh, I almost forgot, he came round last night, we talked about everything that's been said, his mum, him and I, and then he went outside for a smoke, and text his mum, but sent it to me instead, along the lines of "don't worry mum, she'll come round to my way of thinking. She just loves me and wants me all the time but I need space. It'll all work out in time" So I flew off the handle at that as well I think I should give up on relationships, they don't work for me! I overreacted completed, just didn't like the "she'll come round to my way of thinking" line, almost like if he carries on doing what he's doing, eventually ill get fed up and just accept it, but he said he didn't mean it like that...
Anyway, today's a new day, so I'm gonna forget about him for now, lol. Chocolate for breakfast anyone?!xx