Questions as I'm new to this, please help

[Maka]

Hello everyone.

This is a bit new to me and I'm not sure what to expect so I have lots of questions.

I lost my baby girl at 21 weeks, it was our first pregnancy and the saddest time of our lives. I had to still go thru labor and delivery and cried the whole time I delivered her. She was a much loved and terribly missed baby.

We were never told what happens next so my questions are how long will a positive test show up until it returns to negative?

When can we start having sex again as we are wanting to start ttc as soon as possible.

I didn't need any surgery as I delivered her and the placenta just fine. So do we have to wait very long?

I'm so afraid of waiting as I'm afraid it will take us forever to get pregnant again. We tried for almost 2 years and gave up, that's when we finally fell preg. I'm worried it will take that long again.

I'm still very sad for the loss of my baby so I know it's been hard emotionally. But I've read that women can be really fertile after losing/ delivering baby so I didn't want to take to long. We long for a baby.

 

[RhondaLou]

Oh sweetheart I am so so sorry to hear your news. My mmc was a lot earlier so I only have my experience to go on. I bled for 4 weeks after but then you have given birth so it's not as if you still have to pass anything. I think they say wait two weeks after bleeding has stopped to have sex as before that the cervix may still be open and infection can set in. I know of lots of women who have conceived quickly after a loss. I think you are more fertile as your body wishes to replace what it knows it has lost.

I sincerely wish you all the best hun and again I'm very sorry to hear of your loss xxx

 

[J_Anne]

I am so very sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how you must feel. Like RhondaLou, my loss was much earlier so I'm afraid I don't have much advice, I only bled for about a week after my mmc but you've given birth so I expect your bleeding will last longer - I bled for around 5 weeks after having my daughter. Do you have a follow up appointment at all where you could ask?

With regards to tests, I don't know when they show up negative, I didn't take another after my miscarriage as I didn't want any false hope...even though I knew it wasn't possible.

xxx

 

[babysunshine]

aww so sorry for your loss I can understand how difficult it must have been for you. Not sure about bleeding but definitely I more fertile period hopefully it will happen quickly for you

 

[laurat]

Im so sorry for your loss honey! Truely heartbreaking. As the others say my mc was also much earlier in so no direct information with regards to your situation.

In terms of being very fertile after delivering a baby I know you must be purely based on the repeated talk of ensuring you use birth control from the minute ( literally) you have your baby. My friend ignored this advice and was pregnant 5 weeks after her first baby.

Good luck!

 

[Maka]

Thank you ladies, it's been very difficult. It's something we never imagined would happen. You get to that 12 week mark and you pass it thinking you are out of the clear and then told again at a private gender scan that everything is fine then to be told at 20 wks something is wrong. I'm still very heart broken but I'm so glad I got to hold my little girl.

Hubby and I are eager to try again as soon as possible. Is that terrible to want to try so soon after she's gone? It's not that I want to replace her but to be able to have a baby is something we want so bad. My heart aches every time a see a pregnant woman or little baby. I don't want to hurt but it's hard to move on.

 

[Melily24]

Dear Maka, I'm so very sorry for your loss, I have had 2 mc's, but can't imagine what you have had to go through and are still going through. I do understand being heartbroken though and wanting to try again as soon as possible.

Are you bleeding from the delivery? If you are, wait until that has stopped and then you can try again immediately. If you are not bleeding, then as far as I know, there is nothing stopping you from TTC another precious little one. This little one will never replace your little girl and you are not a bad person for wanting to try again immediately.

I wish you and hubby all the best in TTC. I hope it happens soon for you. Big hug. xxx

 

[J_Anne]

Of course it's not terrible to want to try again, everyone is completely different and you and your husband are the only ones who know what is best for you.

Xx

 

[CARNAT22]

Hey Maka,

Were you not offered any support by the hospital? Maybe some bereavement counselling?

Also were you not given any follow up appointments / offered an autopsy? I am very concerned if the hospital have just let you deliver your baby and have then just 'left you to it'?

I am not sure anyone here is medically qualified to answer your questions about trying again sweetie, so I think you need to get in to touch with your MW or GP? They can answer all your questions and then hopefully you can have a little bit of positivity going forwards.

You are doing amazingly by the way, you have been so brave and so calm.

X

 

[Maka]

Melily, yeah I did bleed like a normal delivery. At least that's what I'm told. I've never been in labor or anything before so it was new to me. I was told I could bleed from 4 to 6 weeks but the bleeding has slowed down massively. It was really heavy for the first 48 hours but barely anything now.

Carnat, thanks for checking on me. I didn't think I'd be back on here this soon, but I'm looking for answers and wanting to know about ttc again.

It was a pretty traumatic experience, specially to be my first time. I had to be induced and was in labour for 26 hours. The first and second set of midwives were great with me. They checked on me and gave me nausea medicine as I was vomiting a lot and they were really good at giving me my morphine shot every 3-4 hours to keep me comfortable. They asked if I wanted to be put on the morphine pump but I said no because I didn't want to change rooms or be hooked up to a machine plus the shots didn't bother me. The third set of midwife was the worst. She was insensitive, she kept asking me questions and never read my chart and then wouldn't give me my morphine shot. She waited 6 hours, 3 hours after I needed it, before giving it to me so I felt the last 6 hours of labour and then when she finally gave it to me it was too late. The doctor came in and I'm guessing broke my water after she examined me as I felt the urge to push within an hour and half. I told my mom so she immediate ran out the door to get the midwife. The midwife asked my mom if I could walk to the delivery room and I said well not unless you want to catch the baby as it came out. She finally moved me and I could feel the baby coming out and the mw took her time which really upset me. She was unsure of herself thru the entire thing. All I remember is I was suppose to be happy and smiling when I delivered my baby girl but instead I hyperventilated and cried the entire time.

I would have never complained about hospital staff but I did let the doctors know how I was treated by that one mw the last 6 hours. It was aweful and I hope no one ever has to go thru it like I did.

The other mws were really good with me, even the doctors were wonderful. I'm suppose to have a mw come by this week to check on me and see how things are going. We only discussed what happens at the hospital and with the baby, we were never told what happens after wards. They never told us to not have sex or when we can start trying so we don't know. I do know that I'm suppose to go back at 8 wks for like check up that's all I know.

We also know we are suppose to get a call from to go meet with geneticist when they finish all the testing so we can find out what went wrong as know one had answers for us. They said its nothing they'd ever seen before so they didn't have answers yet.

I will say the hospital was really good with what all we wanted done. They gave us our daughters footprints, dressed her in the cutest hand made knitted dress and took pictures of her with a small teddy, we got to hold her and love on her, they let us have a Chaplin to bless her and pray over us, they made us a certificate with her name, weight, length, time and date she was born, and we were able to arrange a funeral after testing. She looked so beautiful and peaceful and I'm so glad I got that chance to hold her. I will always remember the time I got to spend with my angel.i pray no one ever has to go thru that, I don't know how I survived it but God has given me strength and peace.

A friend of mine posted this saying "Lord, if it's not your will let it slip through my grasp and give me the peace not to worry about it". This has helped me a lot.

I know it's been difficult and I guess hubby and I are thinking about when we can ttc again as we are very anxious and want to feel this hurt void. I guess that's why I asked if it's such a terrible thing, we will never forget our baby girl.

 

[Maka]

Thanks J_Anne, all you ladies have really helped me. It's been nice to talk about it with you all. It's been a very difficult journey and at times I have felt alone but talking to others who have gone thru a similar situation lets me know I'm not alone.

 

[J_Anne]

Your bravery and faith are a real inspiration. I'm so sorry you had such an insensitive last midwife, there really are no words. although our situations are different, I found myself wanting people to ask about what had happened, it always felt better after talking about it.

Hopefully when the midwife comes to check on you, she will be able to answer your questions about ttc.xx

 

[Maka]

Thank you J_Anne, it's nice to talk to someone on here.

 

[CARNAT22]

I am sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with the last MW's hun, seriously they are trained for such tragic events and you should have been treated with the utmost care and respect.

I wouldn't blame you for making a formal complaint although I know none of this will bring your baby back, but it may ensure another woman doesn't go through it.

I would maybe wait until your 8 week check and see what they Dr recommends about TTC, also if you are having some genetic testing done maybe you want to await the outcome of that?

You have just been through labour sweetie and it might be an idea to let your body have a little break? Although I completely understand the feeling of wanting to be pregnant again.

I would also ask about bereavement counselling? There are groups specifically for women who have had similar losses, there are also websites you can access.

It might help to talk to people who have been through similar?

You seem to be doing amazingly considering but I do worry about the lack of support for you.

X

 

[Maka]

Thanks Carnat. My mw is suppose to call Friday so I'll ask her what she thinks. We are suppose to see a geneticist in few weeks after the testing. We were told that this was most likely a freak thing and won't happen again. I just find it so strange that they couldn't figure out what was wrong with my baby. No one could come up with an explanation.

My parents have been so amazing and supportive as well as my hubby. They ended up taking me out of town to a spa to get my mind cleared and to relax. I haven't been able to stay away from the internet as I've been trying to see if there were any cases like mine but no such luck. I've also been reading how soon I could conceive, I'm so nervous.

I guess when my body is ready it'll let me know.

 

[Melily24]

Sending you a big hug Maka. xxx

 

[Laura1993]

Hey hun soooo sorry for your loss! I know how you feel i had a still birth 4 Years ago i still think about it everyday! I bled for 7 weeks after my sb and didnt wanna be touched after it for about 4 months...i was told id be very fertile after and that there was a risk of infection due to the cervix being open...i had councelling aswell which helped understand what my body was going through more.

My advice would be to take it easy

 

[Maka]

Thanks ladies. We thought we'd give it a try last night as we haven't dtd since really being pregnant. I wasn't bleeding so I thought it was ok and it was amazing. It wasn't about trying but just about us connecting and relighting the fire so to speak. Though I woke up at 2 am in pain and bleeding big time. The pain and cramps went away but I've bleed heavy good bit so I guess even though I enjoyed it my body isn't healed yet.

 

[megsmeadow]

We lost our little girl at twenty weeks last November. I remember my gp saying that my body would be ready to ttc before my heart but her advice was to wait one cycle. I totally understand the need for that connection, my oh totally lost his mojo and we spent ages just getting to know each other again but it was just what we needed. Have you not had midwife checks daily since birth? I couldn't seem to get rid if them, suffocating at times.

I would say having a plan in place for any future pregnancy has helped to reassure me. I only got that after four months when we got the post mortem results. Lots of love maka, here any time. X

 

[Maka]

Megsmeadow, thank you for that. I've searched all over trying to find information on women who have had late losses and haven't found hardly anything. It's been difficult as I've found women with losses up to around 14 weeks but not 20 wks or later. I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well, it's been difficult for me but seems to get a little better each day.

I had a midwife call me earlier this week when I was out of town and then she came by yesterday. She checked on me and answered some questions I had, one being when we can ttc again. She also recommended a month or 1 cycle however I did ask what if we started now and she also said it wouldn't hurt if we did. I told her I felt terrible talking about already wanting to try again but it's not that I want to forget about my baby but like pick up where we left off and continue. Even though it's only been a week hubby and I are ready to move forward and rekindle our fire so to speak and begin trying again.

I explained to my midwife that one of the reasons I've been so worried is hubby and I had tried for almost 2 years and never fell preg so we gave up. When we did I fell preg and I've been so worried it will take forever to get preg again. I guess that's why one reason I hadn't wanted to wait. I hope that doesn't sound terrible.