I know i dont start this happily but i know he is in a better place, in the heavens.Two of my sisters and one of my cousins had just had their babies, now everyone was just waiting for me, but nobody could expect what was to happen next.
On Monday 23 June i was a bit anxious in the morning as baby hadnt moved at all since the previous day, so i told my husband that i think we should go down to the day unit to get checked out. I phoned advice line and they told me to come down straight away.
We waited in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. The midwife called us and took us down to a room. She took out the monitoring machine to check me and asked me how far i was, which was 39weeks and 4days. She was putting the small part on my tummy, but there was nothing there, she looked really worried and i knew something was wrong. She said we should go and do a scan, so she walked us down, my husband was really scared and so was i. I laid down as she prepared me for the scan, as she had a look on the screen, she looked worried and suddenly switched off the machine, then she turned to us and said - 'Asma, i'm really sorry but it seems that your baby has died'
. I couldnt believe what she had just said. My husband quickly held me close to him as we both started to cry, we couldnt believe what had just happened, how? why? So many questions, yet no answers, i was in shock.They took us into another room and told us to wait till the doctor came to see us. As the midwife left, we just held each other and couldnt stop crying. I phoned my sister and told her i was at hospital, she thought i was joking but then realised something was wrong when i burst out crying, i told her the had passed away inside me, she said she was on her way and put the phone down. Everything was happening as if it wasnt real, and i kept saying to my husband, 'this cant be real, it just cant'. My sister came a while later, with my mum, when they came the hugged me and i cried so hard, we couldnt understand what had happened.
The doctor then came in and told me that they would have to induce as i wstill have to give birth to him
. She also said they would be taking bloods from both of us and testing to see if they could find the cause. She asked if i would like a post mortem, i said no, as i couldnt let them cut him up, that would kill me, but they understood. I had to go back on the wednesday at 8 to have the last of the medication, 3 of which are orally, and one vaginally.When we went home, my dad was there and as soon as he saw me, he broke down, and i couldnt hold it in either
, then he held me, i needed that so badly.As i had been given one tablet i started to feel cramps, so i phoned the delivery suite who said to come in. When i went in i could hear the crys of babies, and it hurt so much because i wouldnt hear my baby cry, but i knew his soul had gone to the heavens and he was there playing with the angels, i had to be strong, for him and my husband.
Nothing happened that day, so my husband and i tried to get some sleep, but we couldnt as we knew we had alot to do yet, i kept feeling my tummy and i kept saying 'me and your dad love you very much and we will never forget you'
On tuesday the doctor had been round to see me, and she said that rather than wednesday, they'd induce me that day
, so i was a bit taken aback but said ok, as i knew i had to get past that hurdle. My other three sisters who live at least 2 hours away drove in, to support me, it was so sad, but they were there for me, and my faith helped me too. I prayed that things would be easy and that would be able to be strong.The midwife didnt really come in much to check up on me, so i felt really isolated. At 6pm i started getting contractions every 2-3mins and they were lasting40-45 seconds. As i didnt take any pain relief, the pain was getting unbearable but i knew i had to do it, for us all. I still kept hope that, i would hear him cry and he'd prove everyone wrong, but that wasnt the case
.At11pm the pain got so excruciating but i still hadnt had my show, but i felt like something was pushing down, all of a sudden my waters broke, i felt so scared at that moment cos there was no midwife, ad my poor husband didnt know what to do, he ran outside to get the midwife but they didnt take much notice, so he ran to the bottom of the corridor shouting for our midwife, he was desperate as he was panicking
. All of a sudden i felt the need to push and i knew he was coming, when the midwife came in, she said i dont need to push, but as they hadnt been checking up on me, they dint know i was fully dilated . So as she checked me, she looked at me in a bit of shock and said 'oh my god, you do need to push' my husband kept kissing me and he kept telling me how proud he was of me, it hurt so bad, but i knew i had to do this even though it seemed impossible, i kept pushing with each contraction and he was silently born to us at 11.35pm Tuesday 24 June, as he came out the midwife sighed and said 'this was the cause to all your problems'. The cord was wrapped around his neck 4 times and once around his arm .I'm not saying this because he was my son, but he was so beautiful, as she wiped him down, my husband wept into my shoulder but i just kept looking at him and sayin 'look how gorgeous he his, he's like his dad', the midwife gave him to us and he was gorgeous, i kept kissing him and touching him as i was in awe of him, he was ours, so beautiful. We kept him throughout the night, in our arms, cos we wanted to cherish every minute, i didnt think about what was ahead because i wanted to forget all that at that time. My husband said to him 'we will always love you more than anything, you will always be more special than anyone'. I kept looking at them and thinking - use will always be my boys. We named him Uthman as my husband always loved that name. As i held him, i kept saying how much i loved him, and i knew i was going to miss him. We arranged the funeral for that day, he was so tall, like me, that we had to cut the feet off the babygro that we put on him, it was newborn. he looked so beautiful in it, i'll never forget how he looked. The hospital gave us a small moses basket to take the baby home in, he looked so beautiful in it. When we got home, our family was all there waiting for us, everyone was so upset, but they were all in awe of him, they couldnt believe how beautiful he was. He was buried on the Wednesday at 2;15pm, he went to heaven.
We will never forget him, and his memories will stay with us till our last breaths.
im sat here in tears right now. im so so very sorry honey 
