OH and money...again :(

[Bee7]

Some of you may have seen posts I’ve written before about money worries and specifically my OH’s lack of sense with money. He has an issue with gambling which has actually caused us to break up and live apart in the past – on more than one occasion he gambled all of his wages and left me to pay all of our rent/bills which obviously put a lot of pressure on the relationship.

Anyway, I thought all that was over with and have recently moved back in with him under the condition that he stops gambling and learns to budget better. But last night (after much persuasion from me – I knew he was hiding something) he admitted having a ‘blip’ last week. He won some money on a horse and paid off a bill immediately after which I suppose I should be grateful for. But then, because he’d won once, he got the bug and actually ended up losing money. It wasn’t a massive amount but that’s not the point.

He’s said that from now on he wants to give me all of his wages to manage/look after and use to make sure everything gets paid and baby has everything he needs. So obviously he doesn’t WANT to gamble and is willing to let me control our money. But I just can’t shake off this feeling that it’s something he’ll never stop doing. He’s not a bad person and has all the best intentions but I’m so worried about how we’ll cope financially when baby arrives and I go part time, and it angers me that he can throw money away when I’m penny pinching constantly.

Sorry for the rant, but has anyone else had experience with anything like this cos I really feel way out of my depth and don’t know how to deal with this x

 

[Hunnie]

Is there any way that you can completely control the finances? Like you said he clearly doesn't want to gamble but it's an in curable disease and I think the best thing would be to limit his funds so that if he does have a blip then it's only a set amount rather than everything. However I can imagine that as most men are that he wouldn't like the feeling of having to ask you for money so how about he is involved in all the budgeting processes and has an idea of how both your moneys are being spent.

 

[Verity2011]

Awwww hon, I remember you mentioning this before. I do have experience similar to this although not exactly the same. I think it's huge that he admitted it to you and wants you to be in charge of his money. That is a really big step forward. Don't feel bad that you're not thankful about him paying off a bill from gambling. He shouldn't be gambling at all and unfortunately it is an addiction which is why it can never just be one flutter.

This is a tough situation and one that you have to decide if you can live with. If you stay with him then I think having his wages go straight to you is a good thing so you can manage the money. I would also suggest that he goes to a gamblers support group (you may also be able to find a support group for family and friends of gamblers - family and friends support groups I have always found very helpful as they let you vent without people judging you or your partner). If he really wants to change then he should be able to with this support and the measures in place. However they do put big strains on relationships. Especially handling money, as that can make you resentful for the increased pressure to keep everything in order (especially with a little one) and him if he feels he suddenly wants the money again. It's so so tough but you eventually have to decide if you want that life with him - it can be tough but some people are really worth it so I can completely understand whatever decision you make.

I don't know if any of that helps but lots and lots of hon. Please ignore if anything I've said isn't relevant xxxxx

 

[sammi7]

Sorry don't gave any experience but I think as hunnie says, why not try with you taking care of the money and paying bills etc then give your OH a set amount. Hope you get it sorted xx

 

[Beckyjane]

O hun, not what you need right now! BUT at least he has been honest and wants you to help him. hope your ok big hugs xxx

 

[vickib_1984]

Hi Babe my husband has a gambling problem or had I should say he was once that bad that he cleared our bank account of 2k in the space of 2 hours!!!! I gave him the ultimatum of either me and Thomas or gambling and luckily he chose us, he got help I gave him money but once it was gone that was it etc 4 years later I can trust him with money he still has a flutter on the machines but will come off after about 30 quid unless he knows it will be paying out as he seems to have a sixth sense about that sort of thing lol. It does get better and easier if you need any advice pm me and I will be happy to help you xxxx

 

[MrsT2011]

Hi Hun I'm tri hopping here but can relate to what you're going through.

My husband was exactly the same and yes we had some lovely holidays on his wins but also had to cancel a holiday once due to his losses!

Without going into detail he went too far once and spent some money that was sentimental to me and thats when I got my dad to take over my husbands finances. This worked well for a while as it meant I wasnt involved and couldnt be manipulated into handing his bank card back.

a few years down the line now and I keep control of finances and touch wood everything has been fine. Hubby likes to have "pocket money" but I trust him enough to give him his bank card.

One thing I have done with hubby is organise all bills etc to come out via direct debit and some money into my account so IF he ever did have the urge the money left in his account would not have any impact on our lives - although I would be fuming I wouldnt end up suffering as a result (he would!)

I hope everything gets sorted x

 

[CarlyD]

Hmm I won't pretend I can completely relate but my DH was terrible with money when I met him. He had store cards, credit cards, a cancelled mobile contract he owed a few hundred on, and a payday loan (the balance of which was pretty much doubling by the week!) I took a risk and took out a 3k loan in my name, paid off all his debt and put down the deposit on the flat we wanted to move into. When I think about it now I think about what a naive fool I must've been - I'd only known him 3 months!! He snapped up all the cards I'd paid off with the loan, moved his wages into a joint account we set up and gave me his debit card and only wanted an 'allowance' from me! I never wanted to be the one in charge of finances, I wanted to be the one who was looked after, but had no choice really.

Thank god that was a year ago, and straight away I went part time as he immediately landed himself a nice full time job with good opportunities. He has been bringing in 75% of the income and me 25%, for a whole year and hasn't f**ked up since. He occasionally moans he has nothing nice and gets a bit depressed that he can't just buy the things he wants. But he has genuinely changed his ways and I 100% trust him to be responsible with our money.

I know this isn't the same as gambling is a dangerous addiction which I haven't had to deal with, and it sounds like he's already let you down once. But it sounds like you love him so don't give up on him just yet! I just wanted to say that I do think people can change and change their priorities and earn the trust back. Good luck xxx

 

[VikkiR]

I was with someone like this for almost 9 years. I tried being understanding, threatening etc nothing worked. I was responsible for all the bills, the house was in my name and I realised I would never have any money if I were to stay with him. If I wanted to move house it was down to me to save a deposit and get a mortgage, if we went on holiday or did anything I would have to pay, whenever he gave me a bit of money at the start of the month which was rare he asked for it back before the end of the month. It was worse than having a child, he was like an expensive pet that did bugger all. I wish I had left the relationship 8 years earlier than I did, they were wasted miserable, untrusting years that turned me into someone I wasn't. If your baby is not enough reason for him to get his act together, then I think you know what the answers are, however painful. You can't afford to indulge him anymore. It's tough I know, big hugs xx

 

[leannesxb]

I have to say I have had a few issues with my OH and money but not to this extreme. My mu though totally controls the finances in her house and gives my stepdad a certain amount of pocket money every week as he can't be trusted with any more. lol

 

[l_maclean]

Ive not got any direct experience with gambling addcition - but IMO verity has hit the nail right on the head. I reackon its great that he's managed to tell you he's had a blip, and that he wants to take steps to stop it causing problems. But i would think that you'd both need help with it.

I guess like any addiction is it possible to fall of the wagon, whether its one fag, one drink or one bet. But it if happens again both of you need to have support in place to ensure that "one slip up" isnt going to leave you in ruin.
xxx

 

[BevG]

my OH gives me a proportion of his wages to cover his half of the bills and rent and then the rest of his wages are his. he pays for everything to do with his car n hobbys and whatever else he wants and we both buy food depending on who has money when we go shopping. all the bills and rent are under my name and come out of my bank. not cos hes crap with money but cos i lived here first and its easier than changing all the bank stuff. maybe you could do something similar with your OH so the bills etc are covered and you have money for you and LO and he has a set amount each month that he thinks is fair and when he runs out its just tuff unless he actually needs something? that way your not holding all his money, and he cant complain that he never has any for himself unless he blows it all stupidly.

 

[pixie17]

i havent had experience of being with someone with a gambling addiction but i have had experience of someone with a drinking addiction. although not the same, it is an addiction non the less.

I would say it is a big step that he admitted his 'blip' to you and has told you that he wants to give you his money to look after and sort out etc. However, i would insist he gets help asap. Although you are a loving and supportive partner you eventually need to get to a point where he can look after himself. You are not his mother, he is a grown man who needs to take responsibility for himself. Although it will help in the short term (while he gets help) to look after all the finances, its not something i would recommend long term. You may eventually end up resenting him otherwise and it may turn you into a nervous wreck as it will affect your ability to trust him. Long term, this is so damaging for you as a person.

I am basing the above on personal experiece and like with all personal experiences they are not neccessarily the same for everyone, so please disregard if you feel i am being OTT.

I hope it works out for you xx

 

[Bee7]

Thank you for all your advice ladies and for sharing your own experiences. I’m so grateful that I can come on here and vent about this sort of stuff without fear of being judged. Some of my friends and family know about the gambling and their answer is always ‘leave him’. I know they’re only looking out for me, but needless to say it’s not quite that easy especially when houses/children/feelings are involved.

I think in the short term I will try and look after the money and see how that goes. I agree it’s not a long term solution and I’m not particularly happy about it. I want someone who will look after me, not vice versa! But for now it’s probably the safest option and if it does cause rows or he demands money etc we’ll know it’s not going to work. I’ve spoken to him about going to support groups/meetings before and he doesn’t think it’s something that would work for him. He says he quit before on his own and he will again. I can’t force him to go so that rules that out for now.

At the end of the day I can only try my best to help him and if he does anything like this again, especially when baby arrives, I guess I will have to take steps and think about going it alone. I would struggle massively without him (both emotionally and financially) but at least I’d know where my money was coming from and going to then rather than having to worry/stress continually about what he may be doing behind my back.

I trust him in every other way, it’s just where money/gambling is concerned and it really hurts me that he could do this and risk spoiling everything. He has a great opportunity here for a fresh start and if he f**** it up now I really don’t think he’ll ever change his ways xx

 

[pixie17]

i agree, 'leave him' isint a helpful answer. no one knows the situation better than you and him but i would be worried about the 'ive quit before on my own and i will again' response, he may have quit before but he still had a blip. but like you say, you cannot make him. i think it would be sensible for you to have a contingency plan should things go pear shaped. you and your baby come first. i hope things do not come to that although, and he sorts himself out. perhaps the new arrival will make all the difference. good luck x

 

[K80]

GamCare is a national gambling addiction charity which offers local
Counselling. If anyone is serious at giving it up they would consider professional help to address underlying issues. I can get the number for you or google it. Small chance it might be a Scottish charity though, but google and check. X