Not doing very well, apologies for very long post.

[Bexybun]

(Please do not feel the need to answer this if you can't be bothered, I apologise for it being so very long, but I mainly just need to get it all out.)

I'm so lonely. I'm so very very very lonely.
I don't feel like I have anyone who I can really talk to. I have plenty of friends, but I'm not really close enough to any of them to explain what's happening to me at the moment. No one fully knows the extent of my past depression, and I don't have any friends who have experienced it so even if I told them, they probably wouldn't get it anyway. When I've tried to explain some of it before, I've always gotten the same bemused looks, a pause and then “Oh well, you'll feel better soon”.

I can't talk to family because, what with Amelia and this new baby, they'll just worry that I can't cope. My Dad turns 70 next month, and he's had to worry about me since I was a child; my mum died when I was 10, then I became an angry, argumentative, sullen teenager, then a depressive, self-harming teenager, then got pregnant by my abusive boyfriend, then became a single mum at 21. He finally thinks I'm doing fine, I can't tell him I feel more depressed than ever. I can't talk to my step-mum or sister, because with the best intentions, they'll tell Dad.

I can't talk to Brett, because he's part of the problem. Last year he cheated on me, and while I have agreed to forgive him and move on, it's not that easy to let go. Every day I think about it, and every day I wonder if this will be the day I break down and realize I can't cope with it anymore. 90% of the day I just get on with it, and you can only tell it's there if you look really hard, like cracks in a vase that's been glued back together. But the other 10%, it hits me like the moment I found out all over again, and I'm crippled by the pain of it. We argue constantly at the moment, and though we both know it's not helped by my runaway hormones and the fact that I don't have my usual stress buffers, good old alcohol and nicotine, we can't seem to stop ourselves. And every argument is tearing us further and further down the middle, until there's nothing left holding us together. And sometimes I wonder if I only stayed with him for the sake of Amelia- he's not her biological Dad, and what breaks my heart about us splitting up is that I brought them into each other's lives, just to tear them apart. That thought scares me enough to stay together- I couldn't split them up, they adore each other. But surely that's not right, is it?

Then add to that the fact that my job is really suffering at the moment (we can't afford childcare, and Brett's family having been looking after Amelia while I work, but now a lot of them can't), Brett's job doesn't pay nearly enough and he was promised a pay-rise that never materialized, terrifying money worries about when baby comes, family stresses and my constantly poor health (depression, anxiety attacks, IBS, plantar facitis, asthma, migraines), I just don't know how much longer I can cope before I break. I can barely be bothered to get out of bed at the moment, the only thing getting me up is knowing Amelia needs me. I can't go back on anti-depressants, I worked so hard to get off them and can't admit that kind of failure, it would kill me. I have no energy to do anything, I feel lost and scared and so very sad, and I just want to go home to my parents house and rest, safe in the knowledge that they're looking after Amelia and I can just sleep.

 

[FebMum2Be]

It sounds like you have a hell of a lot on your shoulders hun, you need to talk to someone, wether it is the Samaritans, your GP, MW or HV.. Bottling everything up and not being able to talk about it and get some support and advise will be making this all a lot harder

We are always here but it sounds like you need to properly open up to someone who can give you healthy and constructive advice and comments

Have you and your partner talked in full about him cheating? The ins and outs, every detail for it to be put to rest? Couples counseling? You are very strong to be able to forgive him, it isn't an easy thing to do if you truly love him and want to spend your life with him you need to work on the underlying issues, and if you aren't happy and don't love him you can't stay with him for the sake of your LO, you have to be happy too hun x

Have you had your blood checked recently? The tiredness could be linked to an iron deficiency (on top on the tiredness pregnancy brings).. It may be worth getting that checked out to help you feel a bit better xx

 

[Pudds86]

Oh hun this makes me so sad to read. Like FebMum said you do really need to talk to someone. You need to let it all out and take some weight off your shoulders. xxx

 

[pringle88]

So sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time hun, i cant relate to it directly so i wont pretend but i do feel for you. I agree with what febmum2be has said, it might really help for you and your OH to sit down and talk everything through, hes made a mistake which you have chosen to forgive you need to put it behind you in order to move forward. He sounds like a decent guy, it takes a good man to love another child like his own.

I really hope you can sort your problems with him and move forward. You sound like a really strong person.

It's always good to talk to people who you dont actually know aswel i think its easier to say how you really feel so if you ever need to talk xx

 

[Lisa_85]

i think the important thing is that you are trying to get it off your chest and not keeping it to yourself, its understandable that you feel you cant talk to others but until you find a person who can help you its good that you can off load onto the forum, just a couple of weeks ago i rang a councilling service and im due to have my 1st appointment in about a months time. I think the waiting list can be long but im hoping its going to help me before crumpet arrives. I went to the doctors and broke down and they gave me a number to call...
My situation is different to yours so i honestly cant directly relate but i do hope you start to pick up soon! and you should never think of yourself as a failure either just from what i have read i think your very strong.
Big hugs sent your way xxx

 

[08Princess]

Hey honey.

Depression is a terrible thing.

I have suffered from it on and off for the last 18 years so please believe I do know how you feel.

Maybe you should consider going back on the anti-depressants, but of course talk to your GP or MW first.

When you said you just wish you could go back home and rest I could relate to that so much.
I've had days when I just want to be 6 years old again and mum can 'make it all better.'

I know that sounds pathetic but life can be so hard to deal with sometimes.

I know you don't wanna go back on anti-depressants but remember how they just give you enough mental strength to see a little light at the end of the tunnel?
And it won't be forever.

If you had a headache you'd take a paracetamol so try and compare it like that.

Don't be ashamed or feel weak that you need help. All the stigma around depression makes me angry and prevents people like me and you from asking for help.

You're not a failure: you're a wonderful mummy who, despite how you feel, gets up and cares for her daughter each and every day.

People who haven't suffered depression don't understand how hard it can be to overcome. If only it was as easy as just 'feeling better soon'.

Please talk to someone professional. You don't need to suffer like this hun.

Maybe you could try counselling instead of medication? But please don't be alone with your feelings and fears.

I really feel for you. I can see you've had alot more s*** than most to contend with in your life and I'm not surprised its all a bit too much for you at the moment.

Let me know how you get on and please feel free to message me anytime.

I hope I've said something helpful darling.
x x x

 

[Bexybun]

Thankyou everyone for your very kind replies.

Things have gotten a bit better in the last couple of days, but I'm aware that it doesn't really last that long before we row again. I think everybody is right, maybe it's time to do something more about it than just hoping it'll get better. Counselling is probably best, 08Princess I understand what you mean about anti-depressants but I just really don't want to go back on them again, I worked so very hard to get off them for the first time since I was 15. But I do understand what you mean. I think more than anything I just want someone to talk to.
Febmum2be, I never thought about an iron deficiency, I'll have to ask my docs about it. Thankyou.

Again everyone, I really appreciate everyone's support, you're all wonderfully kind ladies. xxx

 

[kedi376]

Hi hun, sorry to hear you've been having a bit of a down time, sometimes things can really get on top of you. It must be twice has hard when you're pregnant, all those hormones bouncing around you.

I agree with some of the others and think you should try and explain your feelings to a doctor who will be able to recommend a counselling of some sorts.

Finally, I see your location is Leicester, I'm in Leicester - I'm no counselling expert, but I can listen, pm me if you need anything, even if it's just a coffee xx

 

[Smithy1980]

Hey hun

Sorry to hear that your not feeling great I too have suffered with depression on and off for the last 15 years and find the tiredness and lethargy the hardest to deal with.

I used to take anti-depressants and like yourself spent ages trying to get off them. During my last bout of depression the doctor sent me for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (form of counselling) and OMG it was the BEST thing I ever did. I haven't been on tablets since (3 years ago) and they teach you techniques to deal with your feelings and recognising the symptoms etc I would highly recommend it hun

Hope my post helps and feel free to PM me if you want to chat, I hope you start to feel better real soon xxx

 

[FebMum2Be]

How are you feeling today hun x

 

[Bexybun]

Smith, thankyou - that's not something I've heard of before, I'll look into it, it sounds promising.
Kedi- thankyou

Things have already gone downhill again, we were talking last night and he blew up about the fact that 90% of our conversations are me talking, and he never gets a word in. He pointed out where I'd turned the conversation back round to me a few times that evening- I didn't even know I did that. Then he said that he doesn't want to come home in the evenings and talk to me because it's too much hassle, and because I'm always talking about me or arguing. He finished with "And now you'll just throw a strop or cry on purpose so I feel sorry for you, I suppose." I feel so humiliated, it's like slap in the face, and the worst bit is I think he's right. This morning I tried to talk less, but that seemed to annoy him more. I can't do anything right, I don't know how to make him happy.

Something has just crumbled in me, I can't put us both through any more. This is the latest in a long line of things he doesn't like about me- I'm too argumentative, I'm too emotional, I over-analize everything, I have acute paranoia, I use crying as a weapon in arguments (I honestly didn't think I did this, but now I'm starting to doubt it, he seems to be right about everything else), I have crippling self-esteem and guilt issues, my depression and neurosis its too hard to deal with, I take everything wrong and think everyone is out to get me, and now I talk too much (that's not even including the physical side of things, with my constant health issues and my weight problems). I'm sure there's more, but I can only cope with so much about how difficult I am in one go, I can't process it all. And I'm just left sitting here thinking- where is the sense in two people staying together when they make each other miserable?

I'm aware of a lot of those bad parts of my personality, and I hate them too. But I have come to terms with the ones I can't change, because there's nothing else I can do. To make him happy, to be what he wants, I would have to change almost every part of me. And I've tried a few times, but every time I make an effort to stop crying so much or arguing so much, it's the equivalent of pulling an elastic band from both sides- my nerves get stretched thinner and thinner until it just snaps, and I explode. If I changed all the parts of me he hates so much, there'd be nothing of 'me' left - it's never going to work because he can't live with the person I am, and I can't live knowing he wants someone I'll never be. As much as I hate his stubbornness or god-complex, I can live with them, because they are a part of him. But to hear him say that he hates those parts of me so much that he doesn't even want to come home from work... It's selfish I know, but I can't cope knowing he despises me that much.

What has crumbled in me is the wherewithal to keep trying - I've no fight left to try and make this work when it so blatantly won't.

 

[08Princess]

Hun, I really think you need some time apart.

I know that sounds really scarey but you are gonna feel even worse if you continue like this.

Please try and see you are a good person. You kep saying you can't be what he wants but why can't he accept you the way you are? If you were good enough for him in the beginning then why not now?

I'm sure the arguments are getting to him and in my experience men are not good at dealing with hormones, tears, emotions etc. They just want life to plod on all nice and happy and simple.
But life isn't always like that. Be bloody brilliant if it was!!

Maybe he would be in agreement to being apart for a while. It will take the pressure off both of you and then you will both be able to see things alot clearer.

Have you seen your GP or MW yet about the way your feeling?

I am worried about you Why don't you take Kedi up on her offer?

Please do not keep blaming yourself for being you. This is a classic sign of depression and low self esteem and its gonna screw you up hun.

I just picture you stuck at home all the time waiting for him to come back and the next argument to begin.
You must be emotionally drained and at rock bottom.

Please reply and let me know whats happening. And please, please at least ring your GP/MW. They need to be aware of how your feeling.

x x x

 

[Bexybun]

Febmum2be- Im sorry hun, I didnt see your reply before I replied. Erm, if that made sense, lol.
Princess- Thankyou Im ok, I always feel better when Ive gotten it all out, you know? Ive rung GP (MW here are useless, no point bothering them), am setting up a meet with the lovely Kedi, and at least I dont have to sit around waiting for a row tonight, hes on lates- evening to myself

Its difficult to explain, hes not a terrible person- I spent four years with a mental and physical abuser before him, I'd never put myself in that position again. Brett knows that if he treated me anywhere near that Id make him pay then be out of his life so quick it'd make his head spin. He's just scarily headstrong- when he has an opinion, he is Right and anyone who thinks differently is Dead Wrong, and you will never convince him otherwise. Even if it's something that could kill our relationship, if he believes it, he'll never go back on his word. It's a trait that everyone he meets comments on, and it's so frustrating at times.

I'm afraid the case with many people who have long term relationships with manic depressives is you believe in the beginning that, because you love them so much, you can somehow cure them- or at least learn to cope with it. But then 2 years or whenever down the line, it's just too much to deal with. He admits that he accepted me in the beginning because he thought he could make me better. Sadly it doesn't work like that.

Thankyou as always for your kindness, and don't worry too much- I've been coping with all manner of shite for a years now, and day to day I'm fine- I'd never do anything drastic, I love my daughter and the bean more than the world. I'd never do a midnight flit, I can't go on a bender (more's the bloody pity, lol), the worst thing I'm going to do if it all gets too much is splurge on a mountain of junk food, bought on his credit card

 

[kedi376]

the worst thing I'm going to do if it all gets too much is splurge on a mountain of junk food, bought on his credit card

If you do this, you better make sure you come and get me first!!!!

 

[Bexybun]

the worst thing I'm going to do if it all gets too much is splurge on a mountain of junk food, bought on his credit card

If you do this, you better make sure you come and get me first!!!!

Lol, will do!

 

[08Princess]

Can I have a Big Mac meal, Zinger Tower burger and I Royale with cheese meal pls hun?!
x x x

 

[kedi376]

Can I have a Big Mac meal, Zinger Tower burger and I Royale with cheese meal pls hun?!
x x x

You want that large?

 

[08Princess]

The larger the better! God, I'm like a human dustbin recently! Ha ha ha!!

 

[Xcitedmum]

It sounds to me like you really need to put yourself first. It appears you totally rely on Brett to make you smile each day. If he is in a bad mood then you are too? You seem to 'depend' on him to lift your mood or to determine how the day will go?

Brett may well be right in the things he has said about your behaviour during arguments etc. Depression is seen to be a very 'selfish' disorder in that the person suffering from it can only see things from their own viewpoint. To explain that better, a depressed person will only ever see how a certain situation affects them, they never really take time to see it from someone elses view.

I genuinely do not think your relationship is over. I think you just need to learn how to put yourself in someone elses shoes and see things as they do.

Its plain to see that you are very hard on yourself. You really should look into cognitive behavioural therapy if anti depressants are not an option.

Give it a go - try to put yourself first by learning how to manage your own moods - when you have achieved that, everything else will fall into place. Brett seems like a reasonable guy who simply doesn't know what else to do to help 'fix you'...

xx