Lonely & Down *Long Post*

[dannii87]

Even writing the title of the topic has made me tearful...

OK, now it's full blown crying! Ah dear, what the hell is wrong with me?!

Right, I've been feeling very down and lonely for about 2 weeks now, and it's getting a lot worse... I really don't know what to do and although I love this forum and it's become my lifeline after Gray left, it's not enough (sorry girls, you've been fantastic) I just keep thinking of all the ladies who have OHs and close families around them and can't help but feel like I've buggered everything up already.

I have so many fears, and I really feel so lonely and I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I can't get out of this hole I'm in. I keep telling myself that when baby is born, it'll all become worth it, but at the same time I can't help feeling like I've been a failure and can only get worse...

My Dad:
I have tried and tried to build a relationship with my dad, we have never been close, he's openly admitted that he finds it hard to communicate with me and I've found in latter years that the way forward with us is to see each other little and often (maybe for a hour or so once a week/fortnight). He doesn't seem that interested in the baby, even though I know he is happy about it. When I go to see him and try to talk about baby, he'll interrupt me and tell me how well my 13 yr old brother is doing in his football team... I'm not jealous at all because I have nothing to compare it to, it's always been like this and the way our relationship has been in the past, I'm just grateful it was with me and not my brothers because I know they wouldn't cope with it... They're very close and I'm pleased that it's me and not them that has this problem with him.

My Mum:
I think something is up with my mum, I'm not sure if she's going through menapause or something but her character seems to have changed lately and has made a couple of hurtful comments which I'm still waiting on apology for. I had a MW appointment today and just cried on the way home because I knew I had no-one to come home to and get excited about it! Mum had to FORCE herself to ask how it went, after 4 hours!! She came in, no eye contact and said "how'd it go?"

I could come on here and get some lovely messages about how pleased people are that everything is ok, and that is what I love about this forum, I just wish I had someone directly involved that is excited with me.

My Brothers:
They are far too young for me to burden with my problems, and to be honest, I need someone who can sympathise with me... They'll just feel sorry me and I just want them to feel excited about being Uncles, not worried for their sister...

My Best Friend:
I've kind of avoided her lately because she's 32 weeks pregnant and has her own problems, I wouldn't want to burden her and she was great when Gray left. I just don't want people thinking I can't cope - but I can't!!! Plus, I am isolating myself which makes absolutely NO sense due to the nature of this post!!

If I tell my mum how I am feeling, I really do think she would brush it off as a passing emotion/hormones... I need someone to sit and listen to me and cuddle me when I cry, I don't have anyone to do that. Plus, she's angry with me because of the argument the other night and we still haven't spoke. I really don't want to give in - which is extremely childish and immature. She has shut herself in the bedroom. I tried to talk to her last night but my step dad was in her room so I just said "ah don't worry, night" and she never came to check if I was ok or anything...

I've been feeling so low and ill that I went to docs today and have an ear and viral infection (with a temperature) which just adds to the pity party! I'm usually SO upbeat I just feel like I can't "fake" it anymore and have to be honest with myself and you girls so I can try and get round this feeling.

I was counting down the weeks and days til my scan, but since the last couple of weeks, it hasn't really been a big deal and THIS is why I'm talking about it now. Any of you that have read my blog will know how loved this baby is already...

...If I make a mistake with parenting, it all falls on my shoulders, I kind of feel alone already, just me and baby and I can't stand it!!

I'm also SO scared about living on my own. I don't want to get lonely and down when baby's here because I feel it might affect my parenting/attention to the baby. Maybe I am selfish? I'm desperately trying to work out who I am, what my flaws are, my personality traits etc so I can just accept that I have a selfish streak and a moody nature etc so that whenever I feel down, I can just think "well I'm just being selfish, get over it" etc...

Also, last night I asked my mum to write down everything that was wrong with her still born so I could speak to my MW about it, and she simply replied "why are you so concerned all of a sudden?" as if I hadn't given a shit about bubs' health until now!!

...For the past few nights, I have cried myself to sleep. I've cried every night without fail and lots today. I feel as though I've hit a breaking point and there's no return.

HELP!!! xx

 

[xrachx]

....awww hun, have a chat with your mum, she will understand, she may even tell you what is worrying her and then you can both feel a it better about things.x

 

[nickilubs]

Awwww sweetheart!

Everyone needs a cry, and although it may feel like your forever being grumpy believe me your not. You are lovely and your soooo popular on here you were gone for like 2days and everyone was panicking because it felt so empty!

You really should talk to your mum. You seem so close I think it would be good for you and her to say sorry have a hug, and plan to go do somthing just you and her like go for a meal or somthing just so you can talk....say you dont want too argue because this is a time you really need her support and you feel really sad and lonley.

Also you are sooo sooo soooo beautiful you will never ever be alone forever you will soon find someone to love you and your baby as much as you deserve and you really do deserve a lovely nice man that will take care of you and give you cuddles and kisses and all the attention in the world. Even my OH seen your pic and said "wow shes really friendly and smiley" hehe I think he has a crush! I don't blame him!!!!! You will find someone great though and never just settle with someone because you feel lonely find someone who will really appreciate you!



Have a huuuuuge big cry get it out your system then go have a bath and and feel all beautiful! xxx

 

[Craig]

I cant really say much more than the above... but didnt want leave without atleast posting something... sorry to hear you're feeling the way you are, and i agree with gingercubes, particularly on one part...

Like i said, i cant offer much advice, but apparently i give great hugs, so heres some for you hope things pick up soon

 

[nickilubs]

particularly on one part..

Bet I know which part!!!!!

 

[Mildly]

Aww Dannii I thought you'd been a bit quiet of late and wondered if you were feeling a bit down

I think you're going to make a great Mum and I don't think you are selfish at all. It's natural to question how you might be as a parent and I imagine that you do feel double the pressure when doing it on your own I've always thought that you've adapted to pregnancy much better than I have even though I was TTC for 11 months and your LO was a surprise.

The first thing to remember is that you have us on this forum and that listening to your worries is part of the support network we provide We are all here for each other and that includes you! There are times when I post here with issues that I don't tell my OH because I know he probably wouldn't understand or if I have questions that I know are better answered on here.

I would definitely have a chat to your Mum, I bet she is probably feeling just as awful as you are about the past argument. I know how easy it is to be stubborn about these kinds of things but I think you need a real life hug at the moment Maybe it would help to print out your post and leave it for her to read, that might be easier than having to talk about it?

I would also have a chat to your best friend too. I'm sure she'd be happy to have a chat about stuff and would hate to feel that you were lonely but couldn't come and talk to her.

Tonight I recommend a big bar of galaxy and a comedy film, it may help you feel a bit brighter. Tomorrow is another day and you never know what is around the corner

 

[Tadpole]

Oh Dannii, you are so NOT selfish. You are kind, funny and caring. You will be a WONDERFUL mum and Gray is a pr*ck of the highest order for letting you slip through his fingers, but that's HIS loss. You won't be alone always, nobody as lovely as you could be. Like someone else mentioned, you weren't here for a few days and we all worried about you.

I think speaking to your mum is a good idea - I wondered if perhaps you becoming a mum was bringing home things to her, perhaps about getting older, becoming a grandma etc. Maybe there were things she wished she had done?

Have loads of these sweetie and believe that it will all come good for you. Take care and keep the faith.

 

[HideiLu]

You are getting a LOOOOONG PM from me this time young Dannii lady!!
Here's some public affection first....
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[mamichuli]

Aww hunni, you are such a sweetie and so upbeat and cheerful, you make us all smile. I feel so sorry that you are going through this bad patch, just wanted to give you big hugs
and dont worry about making mistakes as a mum - we all do, comes with the territory, but the fact that you are worried about it guarantees that you will make less mistakes. The other great thing about motherhood is that, no matter what you do, baby will adore you just for being you. That's what Mum's are for!.
The other thing is, for gawd's sake, speak to your best mate, she would want to know you are going through all this, I know I would if i were in her shoes. If she doesnt know you are hurting, she cant help. IF she is a good friend, she would want to.
Where your Mum is concerned, I dont know the whole story, you mentioned that she lost a baby - was this recent? She may be finding it difficult to deal with your pregnancy as she lost her baby? Maybe she is trying not to get involved because she is scared of caring too much and is trying to keep her distance? Maybe you should talk to her, try asking her what is the matter, suggest you both go out for a girlie morning, for coffee or something where you can be out of the house and alone, just the two of you. Step dads can be marvelous people (or not, dont know what your situation is) but sometimes mums and their girls need space without the father figure around.

Please cheer up, sweetie. You are a special girl, dont let anyone tell you different, or you will have half the forum threatening to beat him/her up!
Lisa

 

[clairescunny55]

im so sorry you're feeling like this

pregnancy and your baby is such an exciting time in your life and you want to tell the world maybe you should have a good chat with your mum, she maybe doesnt realise how you're feeling. The hormones arent exactly helping either. I cant say i've been in your situation, but it must be lonely, i dont want to upset you again but, like i said you'll want to share this with everyone. I really hope you start feeling better soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Melanie]

Im sorry you feel so low and crappy right now. I actually think alot of the fears you are talking about are normal regardless of your circumstances, i know i felt overwhelmed at your stage of pregnancy too.
Have you tried getting in touch with your local surestart centre? They often run groups for pregnant mums to get to know each other so you could find a friend at the same stage as you and have someone to be excited with and be able to stay in touch with once baby is here.

No matter how you feel right now hun i promise the minute you hold that baby in your arms you'll know that all the worries you will ever have for them will be worth it and you wouldnt trade them for anything.

 

[Lou]

Hello Dani

I just wanted to give you a forum hug and to let you know that although you have had a rough time the feelings you are having about yourself and towards other people I think are normal in pregnancy and it shows that you are mature and sensible enough to try and figure things out before baby arrives. When I was expecting Isaac I scrutinized and questioned everything from how my mum and dad brought me up to how I felt about myself and what sort of person I am. I had major issues with my mum and dad which I voiced to them and it caused an awful lot of tension and upset but I needed to get my head straight. I think be honest with everyone and tell them how you are feeling, theres no need to keep things bottled up, better out than in as they say

I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better You can pm me anytime if you ever fancy a chat

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

awww hun i am so sorry ur feeling down
im always here if u need to tlk if u want my msn on nething PM me

 

[Penstraze]

Aww hun so sorry to hear your feeling so down! I think you should talk to your Mum about how you are feeling I'm sure it would help and as others have said she might tell you whats been bothering her lately and you can properly clear the air, I also think you should talk to your best friend and not draw away from your friends, its really nice and totally unselfish of you to think of her feelings and how she has alot on but shes probably worrying about you anyway and maybe even wondering if shes upset you I know if I was her I would rather you spoke to me and I could be there for you then feel you couldn't speak to me and feel bad that I wasnt there for you when you needed a friend!

I feel this pregnancy is going so quick and am worrying about what kind of Mum I will be and how will I cope and how my family live so far away so will hardly see baby I think its natural to hit a point where it all becomes more real and scary!
I have msn on in the back ground all day at work (it keeps me going! lol) if you ever need to talk your quite welcome to have my msn address and chat, Im not around in the evenings though. I really hope you can talk to someone and get the hug and suport you need right now!!!

 

[MrsBo55]

Hi Dannii

Your post made me feel so sad, so I felt I should reply to you. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do right now, EVERYONE needs a bit of TLC at times. From reading your posts on this forum, you strike me as being and incredibly level-headed, focused, kind and caring girl, your baby is going to be so lucky to have a Mummy like you. Some babies don't have that to start with, and I am sure with all the love you have to give you will make a wonderful parent.

Families are funny things, it's hard to offer advice on someone else's family dynamics, but I feel you and your Mum need to get together and have a huge chat, get everything out in the open and clear the air, I'm sure it will make you both feel better. Maybe she's still adjusting to the thought of you having a baby of your own, and doesn't realise how much you need her right now? I hope you can sort things out with her.

Also, I'm sure your Best Friend would be saddened to know how you are feeling at the moment. I wouldn't think you would be a burden to her, maybe try and talk to her, it's moments like these that friends are for. A cup of coffe and a long chinwag

I'm sure the thought of being a single parent is scary for you, but as has been said before, you won't be on your own forever, you will find someone who will love you and your baby and treat you both as you deserve, in the meantime as I have said, you and bubs will have an extra special bond together, because you have so much love to give him/her.

Everyone doubts themselves at times Dannii, it doesn't mean you can't cope, it just makes you human! We all need support and hugs, and the special people in our lives that keep us going each day......I guess your support network just need a bit of a nudge to remind them that you need them all right now.

I wish you all the best of luck Dannii, I hope some of the relationships in your life start to get better for you, then you can return to enjoying your pregnancy and everything you have to look forward to in the future.

P.S Sorry for the loooonnnnnnngggg reply!

 

[Jimmer]

So sorry you are feeling down - there will come a moment when you are with someone who cares for you and deserves you that you look back on this moment and know that getting through this was what made you the person you are.
The one thing I would say is that dont worry about not wanting to burden your best friend. If the roles were reversed, and she was down, you would want her to come to you wouldnt you?

I really hope you feel better soon - things will pick up. Big hug until they do.

 

[dannii87]

Aww thanks everyone! I really do appreciate every single comment and the time you've taken to reply with such kind words

I can't help but feel as though I'm going downhill though, it's a little bit scary. This isn't the kind of thing I wanted to bear my soul online with but I'm glad I did...

I won't be able to see my best friend for a while because she's heavily pregnant and has a 2 year olf daughter (and I've got infections here there and everywhere!) so don't want them catching anything, but I will go and speak to her.

I'm desperately trying to think logically about everything. Maybe I just feel that I have more to prove doing this alone? Even though that's not the case? Maybe my Mum's "put down" words of my parenting have affected me and that's why I'm so irrational right now?

I can't bring myself to make the first step Serious default in personality!! Unfortunately, I am the type to hold a grudge and I'm very stubborn - so this thing with my Mum is annoying me big styley because although I know we need to sort it out, I know that if I made the first move, she would still be "off" for a week or two to punish me (she is like that sometimes) and I feel as though SHE is the one who should come to me!

OMG - I can't believe how childish that comment was! It's like we're both playing games! Her more so - lol. How embarassing (I would go back and delete but I need to be honest to get honest opinions).

Another thing to add to the mix, my Dad called last night (he is extremely bitter over my mum leaving him and his issues have sometimes been that me and my mum are so alike, that I remind him of her). It's SUCH long story but will try to cut it short (I know, I know Dannii? Cutting it short?! lol!) but she hates my mum and isn't keen on me. She has caused a fair few rifts between me and my dad but we get on for my dad's sake now. When my dad called last night, he said "Joanne (his OH) thinks that when the baby arrives she'll be pushed out" (she likes my dad 100% to herself) and I said "no no! Assure her she won't be pushed out. This is a new generation who fortunately, will have no idea what went on before his/her arrival!"

Anyway, I then went on to tell him about my mum and our situation, he got very angry and swore a few times and said how angry he is with her for saying the things she's said. He offered for me to go and spend the night over there... BUT, this will p*ss my mum off because she's said a few times in the past that I "only go to see dad despite her when we've had a row" - that's not true. My dad's side of the family are pretty spiteful and will pick you up and drop you as and when they feel necessary... Because there is a bubs on the way, they are over me like a rash, abnd they are point scorers so love it when they think they are number one over my mum for a while.

Well, thanks again girls (and men!)! I am trying so hard to keep level headed - I just need to find some strength from somewhere to keep my head above water xxx

 

[Suzie and Faith]

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time at the moment, have a read of these song lyrics (obviously thinking of them as non-gender specific). I think they are really sweet and i always play the song when i'm down.

Things will get better, i'm sure, take each day as it comes, look after yourself xxxxxx

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

 

[andreaaa]

Hi Dannii

I just wanted to say that I think you are one of the loveliest people I have ever met, on or offline. I really mean that. I have been a single parent of a 4yr and 18mth old and it is tough but soooooo rewarding. You will make such a lovely lovely Mummy and as has been said you will not be alone for long - you're beautiful and so kind and funny - JP and I both agree on this.

If I lived closer I would most definately come and have a coffee with you and we could have a cry together

I fell out with my Mum after my Dad died, and we didnt speak for over a year but then I realised how much I needed and missed her so (even though I'm probably more stubborn than you ) I bit the bullet and got back in touch. I'm so glad I did now, we are like best friends and me having children has brought us even closer. I hope you can sort things with your Mum

I am here anytime you need a chat

Tons of from me, JP, Callum, Caitlin, Casey and Hoo Har (our puppy)

xxxxxx

 

[debecca]

Dannii

Sounds like everything is gettiong on top of you at the moment. I can't really add to what the other lovely ladies (and gentleman!) on this thread have said because they are so right... you are a beautiful kind funny girl and everything will work out in the end.

Remember that hormones are sh1te and will be really affecting your ability to think rationally at the moment. I was in tears for most 2nd Tri - either that or ranting and raving.

I really hope you manage to work things out with your mum

(Dads are weird creatures though, mine's a complete selfish pillock)