need to talk about chloe

[tracey 2]

Hi all

your proberly getting fed up of me posting all the time now but i have to let this out, im not expecting anyone to reply ok.

I think that because it would have been her due date in jan its making things so hard at the moment, its like i feel her with me, like when she was born.

I keep smelling her so much not so much just a baby smell just like when i held her i took so much in and i still have the clothes i dressed her in and i smell them all the time, please dont think im going mad i dont think i am its just like her smell is her presence and its nice.

I keep waking up every morning and getting up expecting to see her just laying there but she isnt and when she was born some of you know she survived for a short while and its like her little breathes she was taking seemed so much for her and i wanted to it there and keep breathing for her but i couldnt.

I mean i am so so proud of her for trying to fight and she was the tiniest baby iv ever seen she had these tiny little fingers and i just wrapped her fingers around mine i didnt want her to feel alone,

Its a mothers duty to protect their baby but no i couldnt maybe im not a real mum, yes i can still feel and smell her but its not the same she isnt her and i feel bad for that, may be ther were things i should or could have gone but i didnt. I cant blame myself anymore than i already am, maybe it was gods way i dont know but i hope my girls are happy.

I think what i want to say is keep anything that is precious to you and your baby scan pics anything, and keep them safe i just couldnt cope without them.

Some of you may think im going mad with all this im writing not making sense and maybe i am but it makes sese to me.

 

[xrachx]

 

[Tori]

im talking to u on msn but wanted to give u these

 

[neeko_1]

hun we have been talking about this, but i just want to tell you again that you are so strong and i'm pround of you for holding it together, and know one thinks your going mad don't be silly.

love u girl and keep holding you head upx

 

[skairdykat]

 

[Flame]

You have been through so much over the last year and i think you are incredibly brave and strong with the way you are handling things. Its good that you can come on here and talk about it rather than keeping it all in.

 

[Tracey S]

Hi all

your proberly getting fed up of me posting all the time now but i have to let this out, im not expecting anyone to reply ok.

I think that because it would have been her due date in jan its making things so hard at the moment, its like i feel her with me, like when she was born.

I keep smelling her so much not so much just a baby smell just like when i held her i took so much in and i still have the clothes i dressed her in and i smell them all the time, please dont think im going mad i dont think i am its just like her smell is her presence and its nice.

I keep waking up every morning and getting up expecting to see her just laying there but she isnt and when she was born some of you know she survived for a short while and its like her little breathes she was taking seemed so much for her and i wanted to it there and keep breathing for her but i couldnt.

I mean i am so so proud of her for trying to fight and she was the tiniest baby iv ever seen she had these tiny little fingers and i just wrapped her fingers around mine i didnt want her to feel alone,

Its a mothers duty to protect their baby but no i couldnt maybe im not a real mum, yes i can still feel and smell her but its not the same she isnt her and i feel bad for that, may be ther were things i should or could have gone but i didnt. I cant blame myself anymore than i already am, maybe it was gods way i dont know but i hope my girls are happy.

I think what i want to say is keep anything that is precious to you and your baby scan pics anything, and keep them safe i just couldnt cope without them.

Some of you may think im going mad with all this im writing not making sense and maybe i am but it makes sese to me.

Tracey,

You are a real mum, you carried your children, you held Chloe in your arms, dressed her and even though she isnt with you any more you will always be her Mummy and she will have known that.

Although our experiences are similar mine was different in the fact that I knew Heidi was not alive when she was born, I never got to feel her fingers curled around mine and I feel I have missed out on that skin to skin bonding that you get with your newborn baby. I never saw Heidi naked, she was wrapped in a towel and then in an Angel Pocket. I dont even know if she had any hair.

I know what you mean, Heidi's due date has passed and I keep thinking that she should be here, and when I look around the room I know that the crib should be in the corner and that I shouldnt be going to bed tonight and being able to lay in till mid morning tomorrow because I should have a baby to look after. I dont smell her the way you describe but the memory of her face is etched in my brain, everytime I close my eyes I see her little face.

Although what you are feeling is horrible its all part of grieving, we will never get over what happened to our daughters but we will find a way of living with it. Please pm me if you want to talk about Chloe, I find it very helpful to talk about what happened with someone who can understand because a lot of the feelings I have are indescribable to people who havent had the same experience (not that I would want anyone else to have to go through what we have)

Try and keep strong, lean on your family and they will help you through this.

Sending you lots of love


Tracey xx

 

[*Star*]

I've only just joined here but i have seen your signiture and thought about what you must have gone though.

I just want to say that we all are thinking of you. i know it is hard to loose a baby, i've had two miscarriges.

I'm glad you got to spend a little time with your daughter, you will cherish that short amount of time forever.

 

[BabyLove]

 

[gypsy]

 

[bex]

I really don't know what to say but I'm thinking of you, stay strong.
xxx

 

[Gemma & Jake]

I just wanted to send you some big

I can't imagine what you are going through but don't blame yourself because you didn't do anything wrong

Don't ever think you can't post on here either because we are all here to support you. We won't get fed up with you

 

[rach]

hun im sending you huge hugs
everything your going through is completely normal and yes you will feel like your going mad and have lost the plot and if you were then so what you are having to deal with the hardest thing life will ever throw at you there is nothing harder or more devestating than losing a child people will tell you time heals etc etc but im sorry to say it doesnt in these circumstances the hurt last forever but you will find ways to deal with how you feel and to at least function in some sort of normal way again
NEVER say your not a real mum darling you are a mum and you always will be
as for smelling your babies clothes well jamie passed over a year and a half ago now and i still look at his scans his footprints etc and i have a hat he wore which still has blood and some of his hair stuck in it i smell it all the time its the only way i can feel close to him
i also still think all the time maybe if id done this or that or didnt do this or that maybe hed be here the guilt and blame doesnt go from you i think this is also normal and part of the grieving process i still go over in my head things i said when i was pregnant moaning about feeling so sick or tired or sore and think silly things like maybe because i moaned so much jamie thought i didnt want him which i know is wrong but i think this is also normal
just take things easy and be gentle on yourself and remember we are all here for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[elviedee]

hun, you're not going mad - everything you're going through is so hurtful and you're being so so strong. there's not that much more i can say except I've not spoken to you before really, but i knew your story from what i've read and i can't imagine the pain you've been through.

thinking of you

x

 

[sarah113]

 

[Slinky Sarah]

you are such a strong lady Tracy. Chloe will be proud of her mummy. You are not going mad at all. It is so heartbreaking hearing chloe's story...
I am always here if you need to talk tracy just as you have been for me.
xxx

 

[Becky&Willow]

hi tracey im so sorry to hear about everything that happened i have only just got internet back since we met in london.

you are being so strong and i dont think you are mad you are doing what you need to do to get through your time of grief i cant even begin to imagine what you are feeling so i will give these to let you know i am thinking of you

 

[Rubys mummy]

Sweetheart...you are not going mad and everything you said makes
perfect sense..you are grieving for your beautiful daughter. Its such an awful thing that has happened and you will never forget or not feel pain, but it you will learn to live with it over time and maybe smile a little when you remember those precous moments with your little girl

I cant even begin to imagine what it is like to lose a child but what I do imagine is you are so proud of Chloe as every mummy is, and she will be so proud of her brave and wonderful mummy...

I am thinking of you as always, you know where I am chicky xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[xJodieLoux]

Tracey, my heart goes out to you. You have been through so much, I cant even imagine the pain you must be feeling. You are very strong, although sometimes you probably dont feel it yourself. The pain you are going through isn't the sort that heals without leaving a scar. Things will get easier though, hang in there


P.S I just need to give you a little telling off.... Dont ever appologise for your post's or the way you are feeling and I never want to see you saying 'you probably think I'm going mad' ever again, because trust me hun, none of us on here would never in a million years think that about you.

 

[EllieG]

I just wanted to echo what te others have said really and send you some hugs my thoughts and prayers are with you