i have been dreading this day for months, i wasnt sure how i would feel but i have woke up numb i dont know what i feel, nobody has remembered my due date, but i expected that they think i have 'got over it' but i have only put the sadness to the bottom and piled other things on top so it doesnt surface.
right now i think all i feel is guilt, i keep wondering what if
what if i had carried on with the pregnancy despite being advised my baby had no chance.
what if my babys heart wasnt as bad as they said.
what if the cystic hygroma went down and didnt get bigger like they said.
what if i had been given more time to decide what to do would the decision have been different.
what if i seen a different consultant that day would the prognosis be different.
what if the consultant hadn't mentioned 'massive chromosome disorder' or 'syndrome' would this have effected my decision
i know i shouldn't beat myself up with these what ifs and i know i will never have answers to them, but i just had to get them out. I feel i need to look to the future now and stop thinking of the what ifs i suppose i was waiting for this day to pass as a mile stone.
right now i think all i feel is guilt, i keep wondering what if
what if i had carried on with the pregnancy despite being advised my baby had no chance.
what if my babys heart wasnt as bad as they said.
what if the cystic hygroma went down and didnt get bigger like they said.
what if i had been given more time to decide what to do would the decision have been different.
what if i seen a different consultant that day would the prognosis be different.
what if the consultant hadn't mentioned 'massive chromosome disorder' or 'syndrome' would this have effected my decision
i know i shouldn't beat myself up with these what ifs and i know i will never have answers to them, but i just had to get them out. I feel i need to look to the future now and stop thinking of the what ifs i suppose i was waiting for this day to pass as a mile stone.