Longest Time Without Sex?

Discussion in 'Postnatal Questions' started by H4L, Aug 5, 2017.

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  1. H4L

    H4L Well-Known Member

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    Just wondering ladies if I hold the record? Got to say before anyone gives me grief my wife has had no pressure at all from me after the stitching during birth. Its been a rough old time in many ways since our wee star was born. We have had plenty to occupy our time emotionally in the family.

    That said there seems to be no end in site for the sexual famine im experiencing. We are now 15 months down the line since the birth and im still waiting patiently. Got to say its getting hard (well its not) but im still determined to give her the space she needs and hopefully she finds her way back to wanting to have it and not just because she feels she has to because i want it.

    Any advice greatly appreciated!
     
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  2. Shepherdess

    Shepherdess Well-Known Member

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    have you discussed this with her? good on you for not pressuring her but maybe there's more to it then her not being ready for sex. are you both affectionate in other ways? kisses, cuddles etc?

    if my husband "neglects" me emotionally for a few days I won't have sex with him but I'll be open and say "sorry but I only have sex with people who make me feel loved outside the bedroom to". it's a very rare thing for us but I try to be honest when I'm not feeling the love.

    is she getting plenty of sleep? how's she feeling about herself?

    I'll also be honest and say you're doing great. my husband would be ripping his hair out.
     
    #2 Shepherdess, Aug 5, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2017
  3. H4L

    H4L Well-Known Member

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    I only really joke about it when I bring it up. As I say its been one thing after the other since the birth and i know her head is all over the place. We have both been under such strain with family passing away, work issues that threatened both our ability to make a living. With all these things going on me having a discussion about sex is way down the list of priorities.

    There are hugs occasionally and pecks now and again. It seems as if any physicality has gone out the window. I know she doesn't ever want to go through pregnancy again and maybe i have to ask her if thats the issue and to look at ways of preventing that in the future.

    She doesnt get the sleep shes used to we both don't. Im cool with that as i survive on 4 hours a night and that does me but she always liked as close to double figures as she could get. Also notice a pattern that sex happens more often when she is at her happiest weight and shes about a stone over that just now, not that it bothers me in any way.

    I feel (mentally) like a bit of a punch bag in all honesty but with everything thats happened id rather that and she got whatever she needs to out her system daily. At the end of the day our wee girl is ultimately the most important out the three of us and as long as we are both putting everything into her then im happy. The other stuff would just be nice, feels like its never going to happen again, just hope when it does i dont go into asshole mode and say i dont want it. You know the way men can when they feel they need some sort of balance back. Stupid i know.
     
  4. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    I feel in a similar situation as you. My hubby is great he looks after us in everyway and is a gentlemen but since having our baby 14 months ago sex is the last thing on my mind. We have had sex but its not regularly and i k ow he wants more. He doesnt pressure me about it but does bring it up now and then. I then get arsey saying i cant help it if im just not in the mood and id rather sleep(our little one is a nightmere at night).
    Could she be depressed or if she had a terrible birth could it be to do with that? Try to increase the kisses and cuddles and tell her how good she looks ect. My hubby does this then i ecpect his doing it and expects sex. This is not the case but i have a fucked up head so just beware she may think that. Make sure she knows your doing it because you want to shiw her how much you love her and not to get your leg over.
    Its great your not asking for much but i do think it maybe needs to be discussed. Tell her your wait for her but you need to know if theres any issues going on.
     
  5. mylullaby

    mylullaby Well-Known Member

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    I really don't think making a joke out of it is the right approach. It can be so tough to get things back to normal when babies and children come along, because you tend to be absolutely knackered a lot of the time. We've had dry spells, but the main thing I want from my partner during those times is affection without the expectation that it will lead to sex. LOTS of affection and telling me how wonderful I am (works both ways of course and I do the same for him) I'm a tactile and affectionate person, but obviously after having a baby your body changes and the way you feel about yourself changes too. I need my partner now more than ever to show me that he loves me, values me, appreciates me and finds me physically attractive. Lots of the time the affection does lead further, but we have both made a conscious effort to be more loving and touchy-feely in general. Also, some sexual stuff has changed for me. I don't really like my boobs being touched anymore (I'm sure this will change again when my breastfeeding days are a distant memory, but for now they are a no-go). Communication is key. Talk to your partner about what turns her on now. Things might have changed in that respect. They have for me and it's so important that my partner understands that. We have amazing sex, it's just very different to how it was, and it took me several months to relax and fully enjoy it (even though I really wanted to) just because I was so anxious about the changes that had happened to my body. I think a better approach would be to sensitively ask if there's anything bothering her about your sex life or anything you need to understand about how things might be different now you have a child.

    You do sound like you completely respect your partner and are being incredibly patient, which is great, but most people in relationships want a sexual relationship, otherwise we would just all have lodgers, wouldn't we? So I get why you want to rebuild that element of your relationship. Do you do nice things for your partner? Bunch of flowers or other little gestures that are meaningful to her? Do you do your fair share around the house? There are very few things more unattractive than a man who can't be arsed to stack the dishwasher or put a load of laundry in. You might not see any link between that and your sex life, but if she's running round cleaning up after you and your child constantly without any time to relax, there's every chance she's feeling resentful and highly unlikely to be feeling up for it. Ask yourself if you could be doing more to make her life easier so she has the energy for hanky-panky. I'm only saying this because I have friends whose partners are like big kids who won't lift a finger and they wonder why their sex life isn't what it used to be. I'm NOT saying you are like this, because obviously I don't know you, just throwing it out there so you have another perspective in case it's something you can work on.
     
    #5 mylullaby, Aug 9, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
  6. H4L

    H4L Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the advice so far. Think there will come a time when the it needs discussed as theres only so much anyone can take of no physical side to the relationship.

    Like you guys have mentioned, yes she would take her bed over sex any day of the week but it just seems to be she just doesn't want to have anymore children. I would love another one child but hey that doesn't look like its happening and isn't a game changer for me. As i say think we need to address the contraception side of it in order to take that fear away and thats another reason taken away.

    As for chores, compliments, showing love without expecting anything in return etc i certainly do as much as i can of all these things. Other than cooking really but thats my next adventure which ive started this week. Our relationship is great and we do as much as we can for each other whenever its needed but just missing that wee spark just now.

    Im hoping something clicks soon and the big discussion isn't needed but if it needs to be had then so be it. Oh for the younger days of carefree love making whenever and wherever we felt like it.
     
  7. Blank_Page

    Blank_Page Well-Known Member

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    I can only speak from personal experience but perhaps it can help you. I found myself surprised by how awful I feel about my body post birth. Pre-pregnancy I was so happy with my body which I had worked very hard on (to lose weight, tone up and get fitter but also as a way of taking control of my life). I loved my pregnancy body but I was extremely ill throughout. I gave birth and instantly my body looked like I'd never even been pregnant but of course there was a lot to recover from physically (3 significant tears for one) and I found myself very frustrated by not having my pre-pregnancy level of fitness back nor the energy to exercise. When I did I injured myself because I tried to rush back into it. Even though my husband has ensured me he still finds me attractive I often feel so miserable about my body. Breastfeeding is a lot of work mentally and physically and I am constantly ravenous leading to weight yo-yoing. Your wife has given up her body for pregnancy, birth and possibly feeding too. It takes a huge toll on you physically, emotionally and hormonally to do so. Most of the time the last thing you feel is sexy. It sounds like you've drifted apart a bit, and that probably doesn't help her with reconnecting. Perhaps she doesn't actually feel like you want her. Tell her how you feel honestly and not as a joke but make it clear there's no pressure, but you're concerned for her, as you don't want her feeling negatively about herself or your relationship. I hope all goes well, talking it out can make the world of difference
     
  8. MissKW

    MissKW Well-Known Member

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    I think it's a difficult one really. When I was pregnant I fully intended to get back down to business after the 6 week mark (how nieve was I), but the fact is after giving birth the thought of anything down there at all was utterly terrifying!! Even after healing, everything still felt strange and my pubic bone and pelvis ached. After around 8 weeks I let my husband attempt very carefully. It hurt. A lot! We gave it another couple of weeks and tried again, it still hurt an awful lot. I felt dreadful as I knew my hubby was very keen and I felt like I was letting him down. I dreaded each time we had another go, imagine all the pleasure you feel being completely replaced with pain. It's not nice at all, the healing process can take much longer than anticipated (and I had a very easy natural birth with no stitches needed). So I really feel for ladies who have a harder recovery.
    Eventually over the months it did start to get easier, so I could tolerate it but can't say I actually enjoy it. I put up with it because I wanted my hubby to be happy. He never pressured me and always asked if I was OK but I often hid my pain from him regardless as I wanted to please him.
    I am 5 months postpartum now and it still doesn't feel normal yet. I would very happily go over a year without sex and I was somebody who enjoyed it daily before. Believe me waiting is not a bad thing.
    I know it's very difficult for men to understand, but we really do go through a lot and feel seriously unsexy after having a baby too. Just give her lots of time and she should come around eventually. If you had to go through what she has, believe me you wouldn't be interested either! I still get urges but never act on it for the fear of it hurting. So I just make myself available every once in a while and deal with it to keep my husband happy.it takes a long, long time for the body to heal after such an ordeal, so just stay patient. At least you can sort yourself out, she probably can't even if she wants to!
    I would suggest trying to reconnect with her to become close again too, she may feel very distant at the moment as baby takes up so much time and attention. If you don't already, help around the house etc so that when the baby is asleep you can enjoy the time together being close rather than her having to jump up and use the opportunity to get things done. Bring some romance back, help her feel attractive and the way she used to feel and things may speed up a little.
     
    #8 MissKW, Aug 19, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
  9. SockVortex

    SockVortex Well-Known Member

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    @Kitana I think the above poster is an advertiser/troll.
     
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  10. Kitana

    Kitana Moderator

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