I've got no idea where this should go :(

[Melanie]

I've never tried to put this into words before so bare with me because its bound to come out stupid.
When Thea was born i had some problems regarding how breastfeeding made me feel. To begin with i had some awful flashbacks (for want of a better word - physical body memories is more accurate i suppose) to my abuse. I would not only remember but actually feel things happening to me again, he used to bite me there. It was so hard but i got through it because i had to, formula feeding is not the norm here and a doctor has to give you a milk prescription for newborn formula. I didn't want to have to try to explain why i was having a hard time so i swallowed it down and got on with it.
It did get better and after a couple of months it only happened very rarely and only when i was very tired.

Fast forward to now

I'm really struggling. I dread feeding Thea and i feel like crap because of it. At 17 months she now has her hands everywhere when shes feeding and sometimes actually most of the time its just too much for me. I really feel physically sick while im feeding my daughter because shes moving everywhere and here hands are in my hair and touching my face. Keeping myself together is getting harder and harder. I dont know how i haven't freaked out while im breastfeeding. I have to talk myself down while im doing it and then when Thea is finished i end up a crying mess.

She wont drink cows milk or formula at all ever. She will drink anything else from a cup but milk comes from mammy and that's it as far as she is concerned. I dont know how much longer i can take feeling like this.

I dont know what to do about it. I really wanted to make it to two years but right now the thought of one more day makes me feel ill.

Everything else is great. I'm not depressed, im happy with my life and im over the moon in love with my little girl. I feel like i need to be able to just stop being so bloody stupid and get over this. Part of me is so angry that even now he manages to invade my life and spoil what should be beautiful.

How do i deal with this?????

 

[EllieG]

I wish I had something constructive to say, didnt want to read and run . What an amazing job you have done feeding Thea, I imagine it must have been very difficult at times
I remember a while back you posted about trying Thea with a straw in a cup drinking cows milk, did you try that? How did you get on?
Am sure you will get loads of fantastic advice from everyone on here, Good luck

 

[Squiglet]

Tbh, I'd have quit bfing by now if I was in your shoes.... so big yourself up over the fact that you have been amazingly brave and have managed to get so far.

In 7 months time, as you said you wanted to get to 2 years, I very much doubt Thea will want any other type of milk other than yours anyway.. and you've given her such an amazing start already. Most women rarely go beyond a year... so...

Have you tried using bananas/strawberries and whizzing it up with the milk to make the milk sweeter? The main problem is, is that breast milk is really sweet but cows milk/formula isn't. I would suggest nesqwick or something, as that's what I give to Tia atm to get her to drink VAST quantities of cows milk... I don't put much in the milk... just a spoonful. But then Thea is still a little too small for that...

Fluids are really the most important thing... as long as she is drinking fluids thats the main thing and you could try and give extra calcium supplements either through multivits or through giving her extra portions of cheese and yogurt.

Just keep remember you have done so well and you're a great mum. You can't help the past but remember, your past has formed you into a wonderful mummy because you love your LO so much that you will go through hell for her everyday..

 

[Krystal]

Have you spoken to a councillor or something similar, maybe talking to someone about how it's making you feel could start the process of healing?

You have done amazing to get this far with breastfeeding, especially with those issues going on. Your brilliant

 

[Melanie]

Thanks girls.
I think what makes me feel worse is i thought i had dealt pretty well with my past. It took along time but i thought that id reached a point where i could live a happy and free life. I've had years of therapy and meds. Aside from this i've never been in such a healthy place mentally.
*Sigh*

 

[trixipaws]

aww, melanie, im so sorry to hear this

ur a brave, brave lady for doing this at all

one of the reasons i quit BFing after 8 months is coz millie started pulling at my top and it weirded me out a bit, and iv never been subjected to any abuse involving my breasts, so i can only imagine the extent to what u must be feeling.

im really sorry i cant giv u any advice, i hope u can sort something out tho

 

[newmum]

You are really really brave. I admire you. You had to make a huge sacrifice to give little Thea the best. I don't really know what advice to give except that Squiglet is always right Her advice sounds really helpful and sound. Thea is still small enough to make a change and I think she will settle quickly once the change has been made.

 

[valentine]

Oh Melanie - I'm so so sorry to hear that you are going through this - I have always looked up to you (and still do) as a champion breastfeeder so I am so sad to hear that its so hard for you. You are an amazing lady to have got this far with the challenges that you have faced, I have even more respect and love for you.

I don't want to tell you to stop as only you and Thea can make that decision. However, you know that in a couple of weeks you'll have made it to 18 months and that is a tremendous achievement. Although milk is still hugely important for toddlers (they should be getting about a pint a day at this age, I think), there are probably very clever ways of getting milk and other dairy into them - I like Squiglet's suggestion of whizzing up soft fruit with the cows milk or EllieG's of using a straw and making it like a game. Your HV or equivalent may have some other suggestions too. Or you could try giving NCT breastfeeding line or other similar phone lines a call. Or try the Kelly Mom forum?

If you do want to continue, then I'd really recommend getting some counselling. There's no shame in doing this and it doesn't mean that you aren't well or healthy - but this is obviously an issue you do need to deal with. I don't know if you plan more children, but I imagine that if you do, you would probably like to put this issue to bed. There's not a huge amount you can do with Thea as you can't (and wouldn't want to) stop her being curious about the world - but have you tried a breastfeeding necklace? Or (if you are still feeding during the day) could you cut down your milk feeds (and replace any daytime feeds with solid snacks like ricecakes, yoghurts, fruit etc) and only feed once in the morning and once in the evening if that would be more bearable?

I wish you luck and love with your decision - you're a superstar lady. to you.

Valentine Xxx

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Melanie Im so sorry that you are going through this. I understand what the flashbacks are like as they are so real sometimes and it must be horrible knowing that when your feeding Thea your going through this.

I would suggest that you replace some of Theas breastfeeds with snacks and she would feed less and defintely a nursing necklace as my friends that breastfeed rave about them or maybe sing to her when shes having a feed as it might keep her more chilled out.

You can get through this, your a very strong and brave lady and I think your fab

 

[Redshoes]

You are a fantastic Mummy, BF'ing alone when all's fine is hard, so to do it whilst feeling as you have, that just shows how much you love Thea and the bond you have with her as she still loves BF'ing

I'd suggest seeing your GP, talk to them about possible routes you could take to overcome this and not feel as you do, with the flashbacks etc Have you considered alternative therapies? Hypnosis or Present Life Healing, which is like past life regression but not, as its this life you work with? If you've had therapy and meds and yet you are still having issues, maybe something else is needed?

I really really hope you find a peace with it all and that you remember whatever has happened, its not touched the love you have for Thea, nor hers for you, which is beautiful and untouched, very best wishes

 

[MissThing]

Oh, hun, I am so sorry.

But youve done such a great job and the main thing what makes you feel good. So, if bf doesnt bring happiness to you, maybe its time to stop.

About Thea drinking milk I agree with other ladies, try mixing it up with bananas to make a smoothie, or add some nesquik. Maybe try funky cups with straws.

You can get the same vitamins as from milk from the other milk products. Like youghurt and cheese.

Whatever decision you will make, it has to be the one which will make you happy.

 

[Melanie]

I've decided to go the dont offer it route and see what happens. I started that today and Thea had one feed this morning when she woke up (which is always fine because she is still sleepy and just lays in bed next to me) and then we played all day and she didnt ask for it so i didnt mention it. She even went to bed and straight to sleep without asking for it. So far my boobs dont feel engorged at all either.
I tried giving her vanilla soya milk and she wasnt impressed! She gave it back to me and said no mammy juice please. Shes drank a lot more water today than she normally does and she ate a fair bit of cheese and a couple of yogurts.

I felt a lot better by the end of the day so i think ill carry on like this and hopefully we can just nurse once or twice a day like morning and night when shes sleepy.

 

[zebrastripes]

I'm really sorry you feel like this. It's so unfair that you have to feel like this like everyone else has said, you have done wonderfully in feeding Thea- I mean, so many women don't even make it to 6 months, never mind 18- AND with all your past history of abuse- that's bloody brilliant! You should be really proud of yourself. It's not your fault.

I think you should maybe go speak to someone. Easier said than done, I know, but you shouldn't be too hard on yourself

 

[Tina & Gabs]

Just wanted to give you these

Everyone has given you great advise.

You are a truly amazing mummy and woman

 

[mrs_tommo22]

It makes us all respect and like you even more Melanie for trusting us to share this with us as its such a big personal thing.

 

[Lola's Mummy]

I can't really add to anything that already been said but i'm so sorry you feel like this

 

[babyroo]

I think all the other ladies have given you excellent advice.
I think you are a very brave and amazing woman. Have lots of .

 

[clarey]

You have done so amazingly, Thea is very lucky to have such a selfless mummy, I hope you both work it out, whatever you decide she will be happy as long as you are.

 

[x-kirsty-x]

I think I'll just second what the other girls have said

 

[Gem & Leland]