Is sex necessary in a rship? (hubby doesn't want it)

My goodness, I didn't realise there were lots of women in the same shoes as me Cosmicgirl, it's such a sad situation isn't it :-(

I love him so much and on paper he's the perfect doting husband which makes it so hard to decide. Some days I can say I'll happily go without sex and other days I want physical contact so badly I had thoughts about getting with other people, really really bad I know :-(

I'm so sorry for anyone else going through this but very grateful you ladies have taken the time out to admit you have the same problems. I find I get really jealous of my friends who brag about their husbands not leaving them alone and it's "something men think about every 5 seconds" - I definately feel in the minority here :-(

Also, I'm amazed as I'm writing this... you'll never guess what he's just brought home as a gift. He's bloody bought me 3 of the 50 shades of grey books! I said thank you but I am absolutely fuming inside, is it just me or is he an insensitive git?!?!?!

x
 
Hahaha my oh bought me those books too lol.
I can relate 100% to every single word you have written. It's bloody hard and makes you feel like shit and it doesn't get any easier.
I have literally cried myself to sleep, wondering why he isn't like "other men" who can't wait to rip their girls clothes off, what's wrong with me? Then I came to realise, the problem lies within him, not me x
 
Omg Cosmicgirl we have very similar OHs it seems!!

I've cried myself to sleep some nights too. Its a constant mental battle in my head as to whether I should put up with it as he's great in all other areas, he pretty much is my best friend and no doubt loves me like I love him and I know some women say that's what they wish for.

I'm about to have a talk as he's asked me what's wrong, might take a while wish me luck :-( x
 
I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do, it's a horrible situation to be in x
 
Good luck babe I really hope you can get things resolved!!
I've not read the books what are they about??

Tbh if your not happy in your relationship right now maybe suggest putting TTC off for a bit until your both happy? If your thinking of other men it's not the best.. And it won't get better until its resolved..

I really hope he understands or at least try's to!!! It's the fact he's not willing to see it from your side that pisses me off :(

Let us know how you get on!! :hug:
 
I am in the same situation as you so no advice to offer just lots of understanding.

So far I have not had sex since May 2011 when DD was conceived. Currently I cannot see a time when it will happen again. It is driving a major wedge in our marriage and sometimes I hate my husband for the way he makes me feel about myself but I marries knowing what he was like and have made my bed so to speak.

I cry myself to sleep often about this and how it makes me feel about myself. Surely I'm not that repulsive but like you even naked me does not even make him look up.

xxx


On tapatalk so can't see tickers :-(
Excuse the typos, phone has mind of its own.
 
It's horrible hesty isn't it. Before we last had sex (the night we conceived this lo) we didn't have any physical contact for 6 months at a time. I just accept it now, it hurts less than the rejection x
 
huge hugs to you all going through this.....some days it doesnt bother me then other days , whether its cos im tired or just an overload of hormones, it really does bother me an I think he doesny love me or find me attractive......best place to cry in the shower noone can tell xxx
 
Hi guys thanks for all your support, I'm overwhelmed by you lovely ladies reaching out and offering your help and experience when it's not something as a woman you can easily admit and talk about, and for that I appreciate every answer on here :)

We had a massive talk last night that lasted for a good few hours (didn't realise the time and had to go to bed as was getting late!) it started off with me telling him all what I've told you ladies already and being very frank and honest. I think at first he was very angry that I'd internalized most if it (but I did explain I'd already tried talking / initiating things and he called me a pest) it ended up with me saying "I've never in my life felt so unloved" through lots of tears!

He said he never realised just how bad the situation has got other than me being off recently as after our last conversation he thought that was it, all sorted and we would work through our problem when trying to conceive (I'm ovulating next week) which in my opinion is a stereotypical male response of putting his head in the sand and not thinking, but that's by the by and I know that men and women's minds work differently.

He explained that he thinks we are both different people energy wise - e.g. I can work a full day, walk the 3 miles home, do the housework, and studying for a degree in the evening and still have the energy to do that, whereas he's different and he likes to properly relax and do nothing in the evenings and that's the type of people we are. He also says that when he do do it in the evenings he feels tired and exhausted the next morning when he gets up for work and it knocks his week out really. I replied that I don't mind not doing it in the week if it makes him feel like that we can wait until the weekends but lately it's not been then either!

He did admit he was a little resentful in that he told me this before and I still "tried it on" in the week so he ended up calling me a pest in a horrible way as a knee-jerk reaction but he didn't mean to upset me the way he did. I said because he called me that and made me feel like a sex crazed maniac I didn't really go near him at all (my ego playing a part there too) so he thinks that's why nothing got sorted because we both didn't communicate properly.

Anyway, in the very end he ended up apologising and saying he will try to make things better and asked me to just "ask" when I want it in which I got very angry and said when I do you make me feel like crap and call me names! And he grabbed me and pulled me up (we were both sitting on adjacent sofas) and took me upstairs and you can pretty much guess what happened next!! It was so weird though, it was very "carnal" as he puts it but also really loving and he kept saying he's really sorry (this is inbetween me saying I'm not sure we should do this as I feel he's only doing this to shut me up!) and can I just say it was probably one of the best moments I've ever had in our physical relationship and after that we sat cuddling and talking for ages and we said we are going to try and work through it all by talking it out from now on.

In summary, I don't think the issue has been completely resolved, we've still got a long way to go and I have to accept that my sex drive is higher than his and this is part of us being 2 different people. He did mention as well that he is really happy in the fact that if he is ever away on business or out with his mates and he's not with me he misses me in the way that he misses me as a person to talk to, rather than the sex he has with me - I know this sounds weird to other people but his reasoning is that he understands why men away on business have affairs, as if the husband and wife have only the physical side of the relationship (not the talking) they can easily get it elsewhere but the emotional stuff they have with their wife can't be replaced. (In short, he says he sees me more than just the physical sex object although he says he does enjoy it when we do do it).

I think we're both in the wrong here and we're going to work through it together. Like I said, I don't think this issue is completely resolved, it's going to take some time and lots of patience and understanding but I do hope by telling you ladies this helps some way towards your own issues with your OH's.

Has anyone got any opinions/comments on this as would be most welcomed :)

Us ladies need to stick together :)

xx
 
Oh and by the way, "50 shades of grey" are erotic novels for women that are really popular at the moment, which at the time he gave them to me I thought was a bloody nerve seeing as we weren't doing it anyway! Lol xx
 
Oh honey I am so pleased to read your latest post. I'm really happy that you talked through your feelings. Although things won't be instantly prefect the hardest step is opening up about things in the first place and the fact that your talk lead to one of your best sexual experiences together is brilliant. Everything sounds really positive and I have my fingers crossed for you that things can only get better from here. Just keep communicating with each other and I'm sure you will get back on track. It is also really good to hear how much he feels for you, that is such an important part of the relationship that is much harder to sort out than the sexual side so the fact that this is still strong is brilliant xx
 
I'm so pleased you've made some progress, that's great news. Sounds like you can really make it work xx
 
That sounds like it was a really good conversation with you both being honest and frank about everything and communicating in a calm way (even though there were tears) iykwim. A compromise of weekends sounds fair as a meet in the middle solution.

I really hope it continues and you keep moving forward.

xxx


On tapatalk so can't see tickers :-(
Excuse the typos, phone has mind of its own.
 
That's great news!! Maybe the spontaneous moment was what you needed! Maybe instead of asking etc have like a code word u both use when you want it? So it doesn't feel like a 'chore'.. My OH hates it when I ask for sex he would rather I grab him etc.. A good passionate kiss always does it for him :) its finding what your OHs trigger is.. :)
I'm so happy you've talked thru it (and had some naughty time!!) hopefully things will progress for you both!!

Omg how have I not known about these books??!! :shock:
 
That's great news!! Maybe the spontaneous moment was what you needed! Maybe instead of asking etc have like a code word u both use when you want it? So it doesn't feel like a 'chore'.. My OH hates it when I ask for sex he would rather I grab him etc.. A good passionate kiss always does it for him :) its finding what your OHs trigger is.. :)
I'm so happy you've talked thru it (and had some naughty time!!) hopefully things will progress for you both!!

Omg how have I not known about these books??!! :shock:
 
Awww, thanks everyone for your support, you've all been really nice and incredibly supportive :)

I know there is a long way to go but hopefully we'll work through it! In a weird way it's good to know that not every couple is perfect... us definately included!

And the code word is a brilliant idea... although we'll try not to make it a funny sounding one otherwise it'll just make us laugh ;-) haha.

And these books have only taken off in the last month I think to be honest... I have yet to read them hehe :) I think they are 3 for £5 on amazon at the moment so I'm told!

Thanks again to everyone xxxxx
 
I don't think sex is vital, as long as both parties are happy with that! What is vital though is that you are both in agreement with what works in the bedroom

I think closeness and intimacy is much more important to me, but I do find sex is something that maintains the intimacy we've built up.

OH and I always had a fab sex life, but he's never been huge on oral sex (giving or receiving :shock:) which was fine as I could always climax through penetration.

TTC did kind if knock me off my stride though, and I stopped wanting sex much or finding it as pleasurable.

We didn't go near each other in Tri 1 and now we're averaging sex every few weeks. I have lost my mojo though and am not climaxing.

However for me it is important that we are still having sex, spending time together in that way and that OH is getting used my naked body that is changing!

I really couldn't cope if OH had no interest, never did and didn't want to pleasure me (he is very good with his hands since I have lost my mojo if you get what I mean so he acknowledges I am no longer fully satified through sex!!)

I also finds hugs, kisses and us being generally tactile with each other very important in keeping us connected when we're not having lots of sex!

Sorry there is no magic solution, if your partner won't see a professional I don't see what your options are.

PS: When we were TTC I was often called a sex pest by my OH, he did feel a bit used as I was pretty demanding.... :roll:

xxxxxxxxx
 
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