DH Still Won't Come Near Me!! Sooooo Sad About It! HELP!

[Julia]

Hi Girls,

My DH still will not come near me in a sexual way. Our gorgeous little girl is 6 months and we have had sex twice in that time! I have lost most of the weight and feel good! He is great in every other way apart from the bedroom dept, which means alot to me. We have talked about it and he says he feels strange doing it when the baby is around and feels that I now belong to the baby!! We have never had a brilliant sex life but it was better than this!! He also said that at our age (32 and 35!!) sex didn't happen that frequently anyway between couples!!!

I have gone soooo cold towards him and just want to go out alone so I can have some sexual attention from other people! (I mean just a flirt!)....what would you ladies do???? Anyone in the same boat????

HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!

Julia xxx

 

[Londoner Claire]

Does your daughter sleep in the same room still?

 

[Em78]

aww hun that must be awful. you really need to feel like a sexy wife at this time too.

can someone have your little girl over night or even for most of the evening then you go pick her up?. we both felt more comfy to start with when we knew alex wasnt around.

one time we dropped alex off at dh's parents telling them we were off for a meal wth friends . then dh dropped me off at home while he went to pick up chinese. i got all dressed up and he was wearing his suit. then when he came back he rang the doorbell like it was a date! we had a lovely candlelit meal and then danced to our first dance song. and then... well you can imagine the rest! we popped back later and picked him up and told mil we had had a lovely evening

it really helped us feel less like parents and more like a couple again. we arent the most romantic couple normally but we felt we needed to be then to help us get back into our husband and wife roles as well as our mummy and daddy roles.

really hope you can sort things out hun, hopefully with a little time and effort you can get back to normal or even better!

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[Julia]

Thanks for your replies, girls,

No, the baby doesn't sleep in the same room and has not done for 3 months! I just don't think that he is at all bothered about sex. I know that he has some porn DVDs but I am not really bothered about this because I know alot of men have them and we used to watch them together We have tried a night away in a hotel BUT NOTHING!! The baby has stayed with my mum overnight a couple of times BUT NOTHING (saying that - we use the time to have a good sleep on because we are both knackered!! I don't know what else to do apart from flirt with other men (this makes me feel sexy!!) He always tells me to behave when I am out - but why should I? I have now turned cold on him!!

Julia xxxx

 

[Em78]

sounds like its you making all the effort here i can understand not fancying it. i find i rarely feel in the mood till things get going, then i am up for it! so maybe he just needs to make the effort and even if you have to make a plan and stick to it then it may help him get back in the swing. never mind about it being planned - sometimes that just helps to get things moving. you can worry about it being all romantic and spontaneous (sp?) once things are more on track.

i find the more i dont do it- the more used to not doing it i get and i am not too bothered. but the more i do then the more i think - oh yeah this is great!

would he go to councelling or anything?

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[Julia]

Thanks Em78 - you are very kind in sharing your personal info with me...makes me feel a bit better. I just think that men are up for it all the time and mine won't come near me!! Makes me feel sick!

When I go out - I really want to flirt because I am therefore getting what my DH is not giving me - I am even hinting this to him and he gets cross about it - do you understand what I mean though? If he was paying me attention I would not have the need to get compliments from other blokes......

Julia xxx

 

[Em78]

i can totally understand where you are coming from hun, a little flirt can lift our spirits and make us feel attractive & sexy etc.

just be careful that you dont use this as a crutch for too long. its a way of coping but its not really dealing with the problem. i understand that by telling him about it provokes a reaction but it could just make him scared you might go further and that wont help his own self esteem which will only compound the problem.

i'm sorry i dont have the answer hun & i dont balme you at all for the filirting, just be careful thats all. i think it is just a case of trying to talk about it and trying to change the way he sees you. i sometimes have trouble switching from mum to sexy wife so i do kinda understand where he is coming from.

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[Julia]

Thanks Em - you are sooooo right....

I went out on Friday night and had a flirt...anyway gave someone my phone number. He rang me when I got home and DH realised that I was talking to another bloke (I was tipsy so did not hide it well). I did not want this other bloke - I was just flattered. DH, who had also been out on the pop, got really angry and said he wanted me to pack my bags and go. I have never seen him so wound up....SO THE FLIRTING BUSINESS BLEW UP IN MY FACE!! I apologised to him and said it was because he had not been near me. He said that my behaviour would make him not trust me and push him even further away!!! We have made up now (sort of) but I got nowhere fast! Won't be doing that again...need to be more affectionate with him and see if that works!

Keep in touch - you are fab and talk so much sense!!

Julia xx

 

[Em78]

awww shucks! anytime hun!

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[Londoner Claire]

Thanks Em - you are sooooo right....

I went out on Friday night and had a flirt...anyway gave someone my phone number. He rang me when I got home and DH realised that I was talking to another bloke (I was tipsy so did not hide it well). I did not want this other bloke - I was just flattered. DH, who had also been out on the pop, got really angry and said he wanted me to pack my bags and go. I have never seen him so wound up....SO THE FLIRTING BUSINESS BLEW UP IN MY FACE!! I apologised to him and said it was because he had not been near me. He said that my behaviour would make him not trust me and push him even further away!!! We have made up now (sort of) but I got nowhere fast! Won't be doing that again...need to be more affectionate with him and see if that works!

Keep in touch - you are fab and talk so much sense!!

Julia xx

Oh no, sorry it didn't work. He should have understood though when you told him why.

 

[Julia]

Thanks for your reply Londoner Claire,

I think I need to chill out a bit - looking forward to xmas with our baby!!! I think if I relax he might not feel so much under pressure?!? I am determined to have a fab Christmas so I will put it to the back of my head and think about it again after New Year! Who know - with Christmas tipples, things might start happening!! I WISH!!

Julia xxx

 

[Em78]

i think thats a good plan. as yousaid the more pressure he feels the worse it could get.



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[Julia]

Thanks Em,

Have a good Christmas yourself and thanks for all the replies!! Look out for future posts from me - may need your advice again!!

ANY MORE ADVICE WELCOME!!!

Julia xxxxx

 

[skatty]

Julia I just want to say that I am finding being a mum so unsexy My DH tells me I'm sexy but I reckon he's just saying that because he feels he has to. Its probably my fault i have told him not to come anywhere near my boobs cos the thought of them leaking milk just makes me cringe!! I reckon a lot of people feel like this when they become parents, men and women. I know its been 6 months but I think its still early days and your DD is still a dependant baby. I am sure when she needs you less and you and your DH naturally have more married time together it will be back to normal - I hope it is for me too

 

[TipsyDipsy]

Oh hunny this is the reason why so many people say that having a baby doesn't mend a relationship. I think most couples will say the roughest patch in their relationship was when they had a new arrival.
It will get better trust me it will.
As for the flirting maybe it was a good thing and made him realise how much this is affecting you. It wasn't nice for him i'm sure but sometimes you have to rock the boat to get issues addressed.
Once I got my figure back I put my mini back on and deliberately dressed and acted in such a way around the house that he couldn't ignore that I was a woman lol.

 

[tuck]

My OH hasnt come near me since the Dr confirmed pregnancy (5wks) and we were told no sex for 1st 3 months!!!!, then I had amnio test and was told no sex for 20 days, I'm now 19wks and wondering if we'll ever have sex again, he's scared he'll hurt the baby. i know that he still loves me and finds me attractive which spose is the main thing eh?