Is sex necessary in a rship? (hubby doesn't want it)

[Stressyhead]

Just after some advice really as feeling very insecure and down atm...

Been with OH 8 years, married for 1. Sex life has always been "OK" but never amazing to be honest. When we moved in together after 5 years I asked why he refused to pleasure me (had never ever done it once) and he said and I quote " I don't like doing it as there's nothing in it for me and I get bored easily". I couldn't actually believe my ears when he said that and I couldn't believe he had no prob being honest about it!

Anyway put up with having it once every fortnight (as per him as I didn't really want it back when I was on the pill)

Since I stopped the pill in Jan to conceive my sex drive has raised considerably so have been suggesting to hubby about it and he now keeps calling me a "pest" and that we cannot do it on week nights as he's too tired from work (we both work full time and I spend my evenings doing housework whilst he watches tv!) then on weekends when we do do it it's over in 5 mins and that's my lot for the week.

Have tried to speak to him about it last month as said how can we have a baby if we don't have sex and he said as long as we have sex when I'm ovulating he doesn't see the problem. Also said he sees sex as an "aggressive act" and as he is a passive person would rather jug or talk to me!

He also suggested he buy me a vibrator "if I'm that bothered" when I said I wasn't satisfied physically

Just upset sorry for the rant xx

 

[Stressyhead]

Sorry meant hug not jug stupid phone!!! He also said he sees me as his lover but more his very very best friend too and he lives for when we spend time together but then says I talk too much when we have a conversation

Has also hated kissing all the time we've been together I dont think we've had a full proper snog ever and I miss that. Hate to say it but sex with an ex before hubby was bloody fantastic so u know what can be good xx

X

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Oh babe I'm so sorry to hear this I don't know what to suggest but didn't want to read and run..
Does anything turn him on??? Spicing things up may help?? Do something to please him then maybe he will return the favour? Does he ever wants sex?? Maybe theres a physical reason he has low sex drive? Would he see a doc about it??

You've got to be honest with him and tell him how it's affecting you.. You can't live your life miserable and feeling rejected xxx

 

[Stressyhead]

Thanks for the reply he refuses to see a doc as said there's nothing wrong in wanting it once a fortnight and I'm the pest who wants it more often

I've spoken to him about it several times and he refuses to see it as a problem just keeps saying it's my issue and if I'm that bothered buy a vibrator or sort myself out

I work full-time pretty much do all housework and diy, walk 2 miles to work and back every day, if anyone doesn't want it, should be me that doesn't!!!

Have tried dressing up, walking past with no clothes on but he doesn't take any notice it's like I'm invisible he's happy to go along as we are and says this is just something new for me to moan about xx

 

[Hope81]

We usually have sex only on weekends. I would maybe be up to for more especially not that I am on ml and not so tired but I respect how tired he is.
It's not the frequency that is wrong in your relationship I mean every weekend is not so bad at all but when it happens to only last 5 min is unacceptable in my opinion.
My oh would do everything to please me and often he makes me orgasm 2-3 times...
I don't know what to suggest really other than talk to him and explain him how you feel?

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Tbh if its upsetting you he really needs to take notice.. Just coz he doesn't want it doesn't mean that's okay and your happy with it.. Tbh I want it more then my OH does too.. When we first got together we were like rabbits lol but now he's too tired.. But then when he wants it and I'm tired we have to do it I've often wondered if I'll be able to live like this.. But he's willing to try new things and please me when I can get it out of him lol!

Maybe he's scared to go to the doctors?
Something doesn't seem quite right..
I don't know what else to suggest babe, I do feel for u I really do! He does need to make an effort for a healthy relationship.. Has he always been like this?x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

My OH also only lasts a few mins and I have to finish myself (tmi lol!) but I think that's down to the fact he hasn't done it often enough and gets excited quickly.. Maybe the fact he's not lasting long is putting him off? He feels less of a man because he can't please you? But then he should make up for that with foreplay etc.. They do a desensitizing spray to make men last longer but I don't know if it works? He needs to open up properly to you so you can work through it together x

 

[VikkiR]

I think sex is vital in a marriage, it's an expression of love and something that separates that relationship from any other, (unless it's an open marriage). My previous relationship was very similar to yours and it was me that ended it. 3 things spring to mind and I'm not sure if this is a little too honest
a) he's not straight and is ashamed or in denial
b) he has no respect for you, (you don't say pleasuring your wife is a bore and a chore), is he having sex elsewhere?
c) he has psychological issues around sex and women, was he abused? Or does he use sex or lack of to control you?
Does he give real reasons when you ask why it's so boring for him? Most men are eager to please and get off on being able to satisfy their woman.
It's no fun I know and makes you feel less than a woman, my confidence was shot and at times I felt worthless. I couldn't live like that and ended up hating every fibre in his being as I turned into someone I no longer recognised and life is way too short to waste being miserable xx

 

[Kaylee2802]

I nag my bloke if I don't get it more than twice a day when hea home lol .. Your bloke would hate me. I always think sex isn't something to make a baby it's something to make u closer and a way to show affection. I see your dilemma if he won't talk about it but ul have to find a way to make him listen sweetie x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I thought of the above points but didn't really want to say.. Has he always been so distant in regards to sex? Men do love to please women.. If he doesn't desire that then there's definitely a problem of some sort..

 

[Stressyhead]

Thanks everyone for replying and for your thoughtful answers. Good to know I'm not the only woman who wants it more than her man!!

I think he did used to try and please me back in the early days then got bored because he couldn't get there. He also admitted a month ago he doesn't like the feeling of "cleaning up" afterwards and getting hot and sweaty which kinda goes with the territory really!

I honestly don't think he's gay or having an affair (when he's not at work he's home every night unless we are out together) so he wouldn't have time to have one.

I would never ever have an affair but it's getting to the stage now where I'm openly flirting back with the men from work just to have that little bit of banter sometimes I fantasise about them in private (sorry tmi) because it's the only thing I have to put my body at ease. Like I said I would never ever have an affair, I'd rather be unhappy than seek out a physical encounter with someone else. I had it done to me before I met hubby and I know how much it hurts.

At time of writing, we haven't had sex since 16th June, even the last couple of weekends I've mentioned it I'm still a pest and he's still too tired so it's gone on 3 weeks now.

Even if it's 5 mins and I don't orgasm I wouldn't mind (I've told him this) I guess u just want to feel that closeness rather than be satisfied.

In my heart I know I'm complaining about something ridiculous because he's very very good to me in all other ways it's just literally the physical side that's wrong.

Just don't know what I can do. He gets the hump if I keep talking about it so now I try not to say anything.

X

 

[Hope81]

Can you suggest him mutual masturbation to see if that will help? Easier to satisfy you, he will not get sweaty and the mess will be minimal.
It will be less stressful for him and he may like it?

 

[cosmicgirl]

Hi stressy head, I'm in a very similar boat.
My oh and I have had no physical contact at all (except peck hello and goodbye as we come and go from work) since this baby was conceived.
Before that, whilst ttc it was once or twice a month under duress because we had to to ttc.
When we weren't ttc, it was never.
Let me know how you sort this out, I'd be interested to see what works x

 

[H16]

In my opinion sex is a vital part of any relationship. It helps to make you feel close, secure and loved. My and my OH have full sex most days and "playing", oral etc at least twice a day unless we are too knackered. That is probably more than the average couple but me and my partner both have very high sex drives and the same interests sexually so we are just extremely compatible in that sense which contrbutes to the amount we have sex.

My past relationships have been completely different, my current OH is the only person I have been compatible with sexually.

My last relationship ended up sexless for the last 2 yrs before it ended (with the exception of one or two times). That was down to me. In the beginning we were at it all the time and I really enjoyed it but due to a number of factors although I loved him I did not want to be with him anymore and that was reflected in my lack of sexual desire. For me personally I will only want to have sex with someone if I feel close to them in other ways and when I stop wanting sex I know there is an issue.

There is definitely something going on with your OH that is contributing to his low sex drive; particularly if you used to have a more active sex life. I don't personally think he is cheating on you. Are you sure he isn't depressed or stressed out about something? This can play a huge factor in causing a low sex drive.

His unwillingness to dicuss your issues in any detail is also not helping matters. I think you need to sit him down and force him to open up about what is going on in his head or the problem is just going to get worse to the point where you will act upon your outside flirting due to sheer frustration and wanting to feel wanted.

I hope you sort things out x

 

[kaz1983]

Hiya stressyhead sorry to hear your having a tough time at the moment

It can be frustrating when you want to have sex and your partner doesnt.

In mine and hubbys early days sex wasnt as frequent basically cos we were young and stayed with parents etc then when I first went on the pill my sex drive went through the roof but then it could be a few weeks between each episode of sex. Way before we started trying for a baby we did have sex much more.

But when I first came off the pill hubby wouldny come near me and it did upset me cos I thought that was the whole point of coming off the pill to start trying for a baby not that it was gonna be a chore but fun - I think he was just scared at the prospect of becoming a dad which is understandable cos I felt the same way about becoming a mum

Its not been very frequent since getting pregnant but between me feeling queasy and tired early on and then he went through a phase of not sleeping well and of course the hormones didny help me not to feel fat and unattractive but last night we did have some closeness not sex but getting there

Hope you get things sorted soon and that he understands how you are feeling xx

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

I thought of the above points but didn't really want to say.. Has he always been so distant in regards to sex? Men do love to please women.. If he doesn't desire that then there's definitely a problem of some sort..

Very, very much not true. Men can have just as variable spikes and troughs in sex drive as women can. Sex drive is not a static thing and it does vary due to so many things like stress, tiredness, mood.

There is nothing wrong with a man with low sex drive, or a man who doesn't pleasure himself etc. Very, very seldom do you find couples where their sex drives are always evenly matched.

I believe that for a sexual relationship to work without resentment, then you need to move at the pace of the person with the slower sex drive and sort yourself out if yours is higher. Mine is a lot higher than my husband's in general and that's fine. He works hard days and is very tired after work.

However, I do disagree with him refusing to give oral sex because there is nothing in it for him/it bores him. That is not okay or respectful of the OP's needs. It also isn't fair for him to be calling her a pest.

 

[Jayceesmumma]

That's what I meant, about the oral sex.. Maybe I worded it wrong, but that's what I meant..

I haven't 'finished' during sex for a long time.. But I'm happy that I'm satisfying him and that's enough for me, for now.. I understand what u mean with the flirting I've done the same it's not about other men it the attention u want from your husband that your not getting.. I was so glad to come across your thread as I was too afraid to start one myself!
If he's not always been this way there's got to be something bothering him? Maybe give him a week or so to chill out.. Then bring it up in convo and really open up to him, show him this is affecting you..

 

[AyeshaD]

You said you both work full time maybe he might be stressed out on something, Can be his work is very stressful. have you tried run him a bath and massage him while talking to him.

 

[Stressyhead]

Hey all, thanks so much for all your replies, don't know where to start really hehe.

Just want to add that as far as I know his job isn't stressful - it's pretty much an office job and he doesn't stay late or bring work home etc and he's not the type of person to sweat the small stuff, in fact he's the most laid back person I know.

He's not the type of person to get depressed (or get excited) about anything, his parents are exactly the same, easy going, never shouting or getting excited about anything.

I've suggested mutual masterbation to him and he said he finds it icky - at the beginning we both agreed to not give each other oral sex as I don't like it particularly and neither does he. But now it's the full blown sex he's not interested in.

I walked past him with no clothes on last night and he didnt bat an eyelid, surely I'm not that repulsive.... I don't think I am anyway

I am so down about this and he doesn't care. He really wants a baby and wants to have sex around the time I'm ovulating and at the moment I'm thinking of saying no. He's also said if/when I'm pregnant he can't have sex with me for the whole 9 months as it'll "hurt the baby" when I said it wouldn't and I would have hormones which meant I would be evern hornier he flat out refused

I've been having thoughts about either putting up with it or leaving, I refuse to have an affair

xx

 

[cosmicgirl]

God I could have written your last post word for word!
I suppose it depends on how much you love him in spite of the lack of sex doesn't it.
For me, I love my oh but more than that, we have a family together with young children. So I "sort myself out" and have accepted that we no longer have sex. I know that's not for everyone and it may not be enough for you.
It does nothing for your self esteem when your oh flat refuses to have sex, I know that well. I can see how this can ruin a relationship.
to you hun, there's no easy answer, I have been in your shoes for years.
I really hope you can resolve this problem xx