I'm not usually one to post my issues in this way but...

[Tigger87]

My MIL is becoming a huge issue for me. She lives 200 miles away, so the problems are generally quite infrequent, but still there.

She has a very controlling personality, everything has always been done her way and she gets quite angry when she's disagreed with etc. this includes when she comes to stay, subtly forcing me into her routines... Ie eating times, what we're doing and how we do it. It sounds stupid, but food issues get me down. Such is their need to do things "as a family" last time we stayed, I was 9 weeks and suffering bad morning sickness and tiredness, eating small but regular was the only thing helping... She made us all wait till 10pm to eat, because my brother in laws train got in around then and we were all to eat together. She also made me wait till 8.45 for food the other week because she's started cooking before I got home (they were staying with us) and I was allowed no input...

God that sounds ungrateful and food obsessed!!!

She also makes a lot of comments that make me feel very uncomfortable about the fact I'm welsh, whilst OHs family is all English - like it makes me different in some way?!

She's VERY dirty, their house is appalling. I've no idea how to avoid taking baby there when its on the move.

She also used to try and take the puppy off us when we were staying, when he was very small. With lots of "when you do this, I'm doing this with the puppy" ALL the time, so we'd have to tell her we were taking him with us (socialisation etc). Last week, she began talking about how desperate we're going to be for time away from the baby etc, making me feel she's going to try and take the baby out away from me whenever she can.

She also started a rant about her other sons MIL, and her over involvement, interfering etc. they're due a week before me, and live a similar distance from my MIL. She said when she comes that'll be her time with the baby, not with the other MIL. My mum avoids her a bit as she's so full on and difficult, but when baby comes my mums going to be here a lot - at my request. I'm so scared MIL is going to get arsey.

My problem is simple, but so complicated:

I really don't get on with and dislike my MIL. I've spoken to hubby about it and he's getting quite down about it - my reluctance to spend more time with them takes away from his time with them because of the distance. If I could deal with her in small doses only it wouldn't even be an issue, but its a minimum of 2-3 days at a time...


Sorry for the massive post. Can someone help me? I'm at a total loss of how to deal with this, I'm near breaking point I feel.

 

[BabysMomma]

Didn't want to read and run hun as I appreciate it's quite a difficult and intense situation to be in. I really don't have any advice as to how to work around the situation. It's really a delicate one...you don't to want to cause upset and friction but its all getting to you....

Is there any way at all that your OH could have a quiet word with her about backing off? However I'm guessing from how you've described her that she'd take great offence to it and blow it all out of proportion...

Sorry hun, no help am I I can only send you a x

 

[Tigger87]

I'm guessing from how you've described her that she'd take great offence to it

Unfortunately it's so much strain on him the fact I dislike his mother, he's properly stuck between a rock and a hard place... And I'm the one putting him there!!

I appreciate your response though, thanks xxx

 

[BabysMomma]

Hun, I truly don't feel that it's your fault at all. Overbearing people can be so hard to like, especially if you're not used to that kind of behaviour in someone.

When Wiggles arrives your OH is going to have to support you in not allowing his mother to undermine the family way of life you choose for your LO. She can't expect a baby to wait to eat for example, or expect to take your LO from you both on visits etc.

MILs are like Marmite...you either love it or hate it

I'm sure there have been other ladies on here who've had to deal with overbearing MILs who can offer you some advice on how to deal with it. Hopefully she might calm down when LO arrives eh x

 

[babyslog]

Aww hun. its a tough one.

unfortuneatly we dnt get to choose out in laws my FIL drives me up the wall. its HIS way or NO WAY!! he thinks he rules the roost amd even no my OH is 23 he still finds himself asking his dad for stuff to get his approval!
I could manage him at 1st and thought what ever bit since the day we told them we were pregnant and his reply was ' was it planned? ' i said yes and then he turned to my OH and said ' so she came.off the pill... do u have a say in that!? '

argh no i just tricked my oh and got pregnant WTF!? ever since i found myself very distant from him. MIL doesnt tend to ask how iam.or how the pregnancy is going but its MY fault of i dnt text to inform her...?


shame we really cant choose the inlaws hun.
i dnt really have much advise.. im guna have to bite my tounge as im going to be marrying into this!!!! Theu have already told me he has to be christened ( im not and im not being told what to do ) and he has to go to a welsh school ( none of us speak welsh!? Who the hell will help him!!!? again its nothing to do with them grrrrr)

hope things work out xxx

 

[tambo1976]

I'm guessing from how you've described her that she'd take great offence to it

Unfortunately it's so much strain on him the fact I dislike his mother, he's properly stuck between a rock and a hard place... And I'm the one putting him there!!

I appreciate your response though, thanks xxx

I disagree. You are NOT the one putting him there, she is putting herself there by being the way she is!. I would honestly tell my OH to have a word otherwise he can visit her alone. Why should you suffer her, you're not related to her, he is. If her controlling ways even go as far as making you wait until 10pm for dinner then I would just avoid her like the plague. If I was in that situation I would have probably gone and grabbed myself a Mcdonalds and then claimed I wasn't feeling to good when dinner was served lol.

I used to have the same problem with my husbands sisters. I couldn't stand any of them so eventually I just stopped visiting. I never stopped him from going but whenever he went I would make my own arrangements to visit my own friends and family.

I think though that when you have the baby things will change, visits will become less frequent just due to travel being that bit harder with a baby and when she visits you you can hide in the bedroom to feed the baby because you hate doing it in front of people don't you?

 

[CARNAT22]

It's a toughie, as obviously baby is going to have to have a relationship with his/her grandparents?

The food issue is just ridiculous, no-one can tell a grown up when to eat?? Especially not if you are preggers and need regular food. Even worse when it is in your own home. Hubby needs to have a word.

With regards to the dirtiness I think you'll just have to go armed with lots of Milton wipes and a few bottles of the spray

Seriously though, I appreciate you don't like the woman but it would break my heart if OH didn't like my parents. He cannot help the fact his Mum is a nightmare?

I think a lot can be achieved from gritting your teeth when you visit or they visit you. Don't take any crap BUT there are positive ways of dealing with issues that may arise with the baby (IE if MIL tries to take over / do things differently you can tackle it in a non confrontational but firm way?)

xxxxx

 

[Tigger87]

Thanks for all your advice / support ladies, I really appreciate it. I think I'd cope a lot better if they were closer - could manage small doses the. Rather than 72 hour blocks every time!!!

The dirt issue is something else entirely. If usi the cooking, you get maybe a chopping board sized bit of Worktop and then maybe 1 or 2 job rings at best because of the hoarding that goes on!!! It's not possible to "clean" when it's so untidy, meaning grot gets everywhere. When I first went there, OH did a mega tidy up before I arrived and was still finding dog biscuits on the floor (behind crap).... Their dog had passed away 10 months earlier!!!! OH has promised me he'll subtly speak to his dad about the mess issue, as something has to be done.

We had a talk earlier, and his response is always "just ask me, I'll sort it" but its not really appropriate in a room full of people to be whispering away to him, it'd make me feel like a child. Yet in apparently not quite grown up enough to speak to his mother properly!!

I'm starting to feel calmer about the issue, but I think that's because it's now less fresh as their visit was a whole week ago!!! She has offered to come and "look after me" in August for a week or 2, not long before I'm due because she'll be on school holidays... It's a lovely offer, with good intention.... But "looking after me" is what she did the other night when we got fed at 8.45!! (And I had to clean up after with her making a comment of "I wouldn't even bother with doing that"!!).

I'd never ever deny a relationship between her and her son, or her grandchild. I could never stand between them, or to be honest, ever let her know my honest feelings. As far as I'm aware, she doesn't know I have issues. A big part of me thinks she has 3 boys, no girls. She doesn't want to let her boys go to other women and they'll always be top priority over them compared with their girls that are more self sufficient perhaps?! Who knows!!!