I'm currently feeling ...

[kanga86]

... Sad, angry, stressed, depressed, unmotivated, blah, lonely, an idiot, negative crying fool!!

I am currently sat at work crying my eyes out and I'm not even sure what brought it on

I sit at home most of the time on my own as I only work 28 hours a week and my oh works full time, so I get alot of time to myself. Which isn't great, cos I end up feeling lonely and like I'm wasting my life, here the tears come again, I have no purpose!

I lack the motivation to get my bookkeeping done and I feel like failure, I can't even motivate myself to go to the gym at work to lose weight or eat healthily. Some of the main things I want to do and I still sit on my arse and do nothing.

I'm stupid to have even think that my line yesterday even meant anything, but doesn't stop the feeling that something has been ripped out of my grasp yet again I should never get attached to anything I love because they always get taken away. Starting with my mum passing away the day before my 18th birthday, followed by my little bean, now this. Now I know I still have 5 days til AF but I can't help but think I stupidly got my hopes up for nothing!

So sorry to off load this all to u, but my family don't really understand and I haven't spoke to any of them for weeks, they don't care. I feel as though everyone on here is so much more supportive then anyone else as I tend to put on a brave face to everyone. Thinking of finding the duty manager and asking to go home, I can't stay camped out in the disabled toilet all evening crying my eyes out I really thought I was getting stronger, but it must have just been a barrier xxx

 

[twinkles]

Don't know what to say hunny, so sorry your feeling so down, I'm sending u a massive cwtch xx

 

[kra0]

Oh kanga I'm so sorry. I am in a similar situation with the constantly finding myself on my own even tho there's plenty of ppl I could surround myself with. Its awful as it gives us time to think, and overthink! I sat in work too trying to keep my eyes dry. Did nothing come of your test? Always here for u if u need a rant or a chat xxxx

 

[dyscochick]

aw Kanga hun, big cwtch so sorry you feel this down. I know its easy to say but it sounds like you need to dig deep and find the motivation to get out and do stuff without OH. It really sounds like you spend a lot of time along and I know you've said your not very confident but have you thought about going to classes, either the gym or evening classes for something you like doing. Let someone else take the strain of motivating you, you just have to get yourself there. I am rubbish at the gym but get so much out of a workout led by someone else, knowing you have to work to keep up with other people can be really helpful and give you a little push. Meeting new people is always a motivator too and these are ways you might be able to and then you get out more etc etc.

as for right now, take a few deep breaths and see if you can carry on working, being at home alone doesn't sound like its doing you much good xxxxxxxxxx always here hun xxxxxxx

 

[dyscochick]

how are you coping Keira, sounds like today has been a tough one for you too

 

[abbyw]

Oh honey, I am having the same kind of day - have only just stopped crying (started at 9am when I got into work) and feel exhausted....... sending you lots of cwtches and thoughts of all things chocolate (that's what I'm dreaming of right now! The Mars bar I have in the fridge at home.....) xxxxxx

 

[kra0]

Yea been such a crap depressing day but I'll be ok thanks! I think like poor kanga I'm bottling a lot of it up xxxx

 

[dyscochick]

oh girls, big hugs/cwtches all rounds I know nothing can make it better I wish there was something that would xxxx

 

[sarah1]

Hey Kanga
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time of things. I hope this doesn't scare you (its not meant to!) but I was exactly the same as you after my first m/c. I work from home mostly and have a bit of time where I'm alone and it is really hard to even get up in the mornings when you feel like that isn't it? It probably won't help much, but it is ok to feel like you need to do nothing - you've suffered a horrible loss and there is no amount of time that its supposed to take you to get over this. Don't force yourself to do things you don't want to do, I promise that the time will come where you'll get up, get dressed and feel like doing one of those things on your list. I did that several months after my first m/c and it took time but I lost 4 stones in weight, I started using my spare time more productively and I became happy again - and I mean happy with myself, whether I have a child or not. It took the pressure off TTC which is a good job as nothing has gone our way so far. I still have bad days but I feel like the dark clouds aren't hanging over my head all the time anymore. Its not an easy road but it is one you are allowed to stay on as long as you want to. Please give yourself time and don't let anyone tell you how to feel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[kanga86]

Ur exactly right dysco! I really need to find something to do with my time during the day without oh. I will definitely look into doing some group classes at work as I think I will need to motivation of others to keep up. Gonna need a hell of a lot of courage to get myself in there though.

I am in such a rut of feeling sad and lonely so don't go out, but then because I'm not out and about I'm sad and lonely!!

I caved with work and I have come home, oh should be home in about 45mins so should get all evening with him. Really need a real cuddle, but loving the cyber ones from all of u on here.

Sorry to be so down just keeping kicking me up the bum, I will get moving eventually. Thank u all so much for being here to rant too

Off to go look for some evening/ daytime courses xxx

 

[dyscochick]

doing something positive will make you feel better and looking for classes is just that well done you! the first stp will be the hardest and I bet you'll meet people who feel just like you. Noone enjoys turning up to the first day of something new but its empowering when you do and take the plunge, and then you realise that everyone else feels the same!! Hope you get lots of nice cwtches tonight xxx

 

[abbyw]

Kanga I have felt exactly the same and have signed up for some evening classes which is good to focus on, but I must say, bricking it a bit now that the first session is this Wednesday!!!! Eeek!

xxx

 

[kanga86]

I haven't found any courses i like yet, plus the cost is a big issue. I have applied for 2 jobs by email though I have til the 8th of October to get my bookkeeping done and I am going to try my hardest to finish it, i havent got much too do. just need to do it! Feeling rather exhausted right now, crying really does take it out of u xx

 

[abbyw]

Yes the cost can be a right bugbear - as for the tears, yeah, they're knackering - are you up to much this evening? Maybe have a hot tub soak and a glass of wine to try and relax? How much bookeeping do you have to do? Is that for your tax return or is it a course? Sorry - nosy parker!! xxxx

 

[kanga86]

I am doing 2 course through the home learning college, started them while at uni 3 years ago and still trying to complete them. Just studying for my final level 2 exams, but i don't feel ready to apply for them yet.

Tonight I am taking it easy going to go get domino's pizza for dinner and hopefully a movie with my oh. A nice relaxed evening, before starting work at 4.30am tomorrow. What are ur plans for the evening? xx

 

[abbyw]

4.30am - wow! You're a trooper!! Tonight I have a shed load of work to catch up on and just waiting for OH to come home so I can send him out for a bottle of vino to help!! Dominos sounds like a plan - I cannot be arsed to cook at the moment. I have eaten more fish and chips, chinese, curries, and pizzas since the mc than I did when I was at uni I think!! Useless xx

 

[kanga86]

I know, I've been pretty useless since my mc at the end of June. Usually it's something easy in the oven but tonight I wanted a nice treat! Absolutely stuffed now tho xx

 

[dyscochick]

what course are you doing abby? we are cwtched up by the fire after my run (oh wussed out!). Hope you have nice evenings xx

 

[k8_005]

aww hope the dominoes and nice chilled evening cheered you up a little, i too feel a bit off at teh moment and i think every single emotion you mentioned i could agree too with a yup me too! big hugs dont ever give up hope keeps us all going and you will be a wonderful mummy sometime. hugs and more hugs xxx

 

[Corrinne37]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so rubbish kanga, and everyone else that has had a rubbish day.
My day s been ok, easy morning pottering at home with LO and then dentist drill!!!
Just feel pretty flat as a whole I suppose.
But yes dont beat yourself up girls, i know it kept happening for me last time all the time, i thought i was ok, then bamn it hit me again. This pretty much happened for the 10 mths after until I got my BFP - then im back here. So totally, totally understand. We ill get there.
Eve classes and something else to focus on sounds like brill idea.xxx